Cool is just how far we have to fall

2006-07-23T18:20:00.000-04:00

Due to recent concerns for my own privacy and safety, I have made the rather difficult choice to stop posting on this blog and to start a new one. I know I have a decent number of faithful readers, so if you would like to know where you can find my new blog just e-mail me at:

menodoxa@gmail.com

Then I will tell you the address of the new site.

I appreciate you guys :)

People all over the world- join hands- start a love train, a love train

2006-07-23T15:00:00.000-04:00

[Love Train, The O'Jays]

Church today was SUCH a blessing. Bible study with the other young adults was refreshing. There's something unique and special about studying God's Word among one's peers. I also love the couple that leads us. She's so tender-hearted and sweet, and she always applies scripture to life. He's dedicated to studying out the truth and he always has pages of notes because he's a diligent worker who prepares ahead of time. I really admire them and am so grateful that God has placed me where I am able to get to know them.

The service itself was also a blessing. One reason is because even though my church here is pretty much hymn-driven, today I knew almost every song we sang. I'm not saying hymns are bad, just that I didn't grow up in the church and I don't know many hymns which can make it hard for me to really center in on Christ and just worship. Usually I'm trying to figure out the words and where the note's at, etc. But today I could really just worship in song and it was wonderful!

The other great thing was that the sermon really spoke to me. It was out of Genesis 16, and the main thing I walked away with is that often when God speaks I take things into my own hands. I heard His promise, so I try to work it out. This is not an uncommon mistake- Sarah and Abraham did the exact same thing. God promised them that they would bear a son, and they took matters into their own hands by utilizing the servant Hagar.

The beauty of God is that even though everyone involved sinned (Abraham and Sarah for not believing God; Hagar for her attitude toward Sarah once she conceived; Sarah for her treatment of Hagar; Abraham for not keeping his wife in check and giving her free reign to mistreat Hagar) He still worked it out for His glory. He still gave Abraham and Sarah the promised son. He protected Hagar and was El Roi to her- the God Who Sees. He still blessed the son that Abraham ought not have ever fathered, as opposed to allowing Ishmael to shrivel away. The entire Arab race can trace their heritage back to Ishmael- and, ultimately, Abraham.

I'm not sure why this never struck me before, but I find great beauty in this truth: God fulfilled his promise to Abraham and Sarah by allowing her to give birth to Isaac. This was, however 14 years- 14 LONG years, I am sure- after the birth of Ishmael, and we don't know how much time elapsed between God's promise to Abraham and the birth of Ishmael. Therefore we don't know exactly how long Abraham and Sarah had to wait for God to come through on His Word. It was, however, at least 14 years. This is over half of my lifetime. It's a long time in many respects.

Frequently I know God has promised me something, so I expect quick payout. This isn't how He operates. I constantly remind myself that God is concerned with the process of working out His glory in me far more than He is with the end result. Without the refining process the end would never be reached.

I pray I would always wait on the Lord. Though He may choose to tarry, I will wait.

I need you so much closer... so come on

2006-07-22T01:22:00.000-04:00

[Transatlanticism, Death Cab for Cutie]

This is something Darla pointed me to, and you should check it out:

Click this link

I think that the genocide of American Indians / Native Americans / First Peoples is the single most ugly scar in our nation's history, save for the ugly brutalities of slavery (to me, both are horrid). The tragedy is that many of the problems on reservations today can be traced back to the efforts to essentially wipe out an entire race, and to strip the culture and humanity from those who remained.

Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce is one of the bravest men in history, in my opinion, yet very few children ever learn his name. What child never learns about Abraham Lincoln, Paul Revere, Samuel Adams, or FDR? They are lauded, among countless others, as heroes, yet a man like this chief of the Nez Perce fought to save his people with the same qualities of leadership. He, however, was forced to surrender a group of primarily the elderly, women, and children because his warriors were killed in battle, and the remaining people were starving, sick, and dying in droves as a result of their attempt to escape the US troops and find exile in Canada.

This Native leader's famous speech should be taught with the same fervor as Revere's midnight ride, the Gettysburg Address, or FDR's famous "day of infamy" speech following Pearl Harbor.

In case you don't know it, I want to share it with you here:

I WILL FIGHT NO MORE FOREVER

(Surrender Speech)

by Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce

I WILL FIGHT NO MORE FOREVER -

I am tired of fighting.

Our chiefs are killed.

Looking Glass is dead.

Toohulhulsote is dead.

The old men are all dead.

It is the young men who say no and yes.

He who led the young men is dead.

It is cold and we have no blankets.

The little children are freezing to death.

My people, some of them,

Have run away to the hills

And have no blankets, no food.

No one know where they are-

Perhaps they are freezing to death.

I want to have time to look for my children

And see how many of them I can find.

Maybe I shall find them among the dead.

Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired.

My heart is sad and sick.

From where the sun now stands

I will fight no more forever.

When he surrendered the Chief was led to believe he would eventually return with his people to the lands of his ancestry; instead they spent years in Kansas, and then Oklahoma. He finally returned to the Pacific Northwest, but to a reservation in northern Washington state as opposed to his ancestral homes in northeastern Oregon.

The greatest tragedy is that Chief Joseph died a lonely and broken man, still denied the right to go home, from what his doctor diagnaosed as "a broken heart".

I pray that those who learn the truth would never forget it, and allow compassion into their hearts before they judge and label Native Americans.

Sometimes you can't make it on your own

2006-07-21T13:16:00.000-04:00

[Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own, U2]

WARNING: HARRY POTTER SPOILER AHEAD

If you haven't read all the way through the six released Harry Potter books, then don't read this entry because it will spoil things, but a lot of people have read them and I have got to talk about it.

I was upset with J.K. Rowling for killing Sirius. But... Dumbledore? I just cried like a little girl. I kept waiting for him to wake up, get up, say Fawkes' tears saved him, or that he and Snape already worked it out and he wouldn't actually be killed when the death curse was put on him. It's so sad. I feel so bad for Harry.

I know they're just books, but I seriously feel like a real friend just died. And I thought I was upset with Rowling allowing Voldemort to kill Cedric Diggory... and then Sirius. Boo on her, that's all I can say.

It's been released (Rowling said this, at least) that two people will die in the last book. I, personally, really hope that it's Voldemort and Snape, but it seems that at least one person we love would have to die. I just hope it's not Harry, Hermione, or any of the Weasleys. And I feel sorry for Draco Malfoy, which I didn't think was possible. *sigh*

Silly good books anyway.

I got victory- HALLELUJAH- over the enemy - GLORY, GLORY

2006-07-21T07:53:00.000-04:00

[Free at Last, DC Talk]

Well hello world.

It's 7:50 and I got up at 7:14. AM!! Yes!!

The bad news is I barely got 6+ hours of sleep, which my body totally crashes on. I need at least 8, preferably 9.

I would be quite happy to regulate sleeping to more like 1-9 am, but last night I didn't sleep well; I tossed and turned, woke up constantly, had no concept of what time it was, etc. I actually had this deep fear in my heart that it was actually 1:14pm and not 7:14am when I tried to look at my alarm clock this morning, and that my plan was shot all to pieces.

Imagine, for you normal sleepers, staying up all night, getting four hours of sleep from like 2-6am, staying up for eight hours after that until 2 pm and then making your new sleeping hours from 2 in the afternoon until 10 at night and keeping those new hours. It would kick your... you know... and most people probably couldn't do it.

I'm only on step one of the journey, because I feel like crud today and the true test will be if I can make it until tonight to sleep and not take any naps. My eyes are all bloodshot, my head hurts, and I'm hungry as heck because I've eaten like 300 calories in the last 30 hours (oops). And I've been sick (I was feeling much better. WAS.) and the whole not sleeping thing has sort of relapsed me.

But it's worth it because a person with no self-control is like a defenseless city with no walls and I don't want to be one of those people! I need to get this sleep cycle in line or I will be MISERABLE when I start having to be up by 5:30-6:00am when school gets back into gear. My goal this year, actually, will be to leave my house by 6:45am every day.

Gotta love the life of a teacher :)

Would you want me when I'm not myself?

2006-07-20T20:16:00.000-04:00

[Not Myself, John Mayer]

I had a three and a half hour heart-to-heart with one of my best friends today. It was a much needed phone convo, being as we hadn't spoken for nearly 3 weeks... we've been playing the world's worst game of phone tag for over a week now. It was a blessing and I am so grateful for having the world's greatest friends ever.

I knew he was going to call at 4, so I had to take some intense (and intentional) measures- you see, my sleeping schedule has slowly morphed into one in which I sleep from 9am-5pm. I know, not awesome. I tried to rectify this by staying up all night and then I would be so exhausted, I thought, that I'd to do bed by like 8 the next night. Wrong- I couldn't make it past 10 am.

So then I tried going to bed at 8 am and setting my alarm for noon the next day. In my sleep I turned the alarm off.

Next I tried the same schedule by setting my alarm AND setting my cell phone alarm to go off repeatedly on the other side of my room. Going to bed I was CERTAIN this would get me up. WRONG... my sleepy self just turned both off.

The problem is that my conscious mind gets overrruled by my subconscious mind unless my conscious mind is saying there's something that I HAVE to get up for. So unless it's a place I have to be, I can't get my subconscious mind to obey. I had actually been considering getting sleeping pills because I try going to bed earlier but I just can't fall asleep.

Today, though, I knew Brendo would be calling around 4pm, so I made myself stay up until noon. I wouldn't not want to get up to talk to him, so I set my cell on its highest setting (praise God no one else called!) and went to bed around... ok, at exactly... 12:17 and was out almost immediately. Brendo called at 4:13 so it was perfect.

Now it's 8:30 and I'm SO tired :) I basically stayed up all night with a 4 hour nap. I'm going to spend some time in God's word, then read Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince, and hopefully be asleep by ten... and in a perfect world up by 8-9 tomorrow.

Here's to hope, huh?

Oh, and I think Adam Morrison's hair is sexy :) The 'stache not so much, but the hair I love!

2006-07-19T18:03:00.000-04:00

Happy 22nd birthday, Adam Morrison!!

I'll stay with you-- walls will fall before we do

2006-07-19T04:40:00.000-04:00

[Stay With You, Goo Goo Dolls]

Sometimes my song lyrics in my posts are utterly random. Sometimes they are quite intentional. The lyrics to this entry are of the latter.

This is a tribute to my friends.

I was thinking tonight about what makes someone a friend. When you think about it, we each come across millions of people in our lifetimes. What is it that causes some of us to become bonded for life, while others simply continue to head down another path?

At the end of the day, I realize that I am blessed. For whatever reason, God has allowed the most incredible people to be a part of my life. Not only that, but I get the blessing of sharing in their lives. Names and faces jump to mind... childhood friends, high school friends, college friends, church friends, TF*A friends... people from each phase of my life. It's amazing that I have people in my life that I've known for nearly 25 years- my ENTIRE LIFE- that still love me and are excited to know me still. People that have seen me at my absolute worst and yet they continue to love me.

These friends are people that love me even though they know my faults and shortcomings. They see my talents and have experienced the blessings that come along with my character and personality and yet I know they wouldn't love me even a minute fraction less were those "good" parts of me to disappear. We've been through the dark times together; we've been in the valleys, we've climbed the mountains, and we've enjoyed the exhiliration of the highs that come at the top.

Scriptures jump to mind-

... as iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens the countenance of his friend (Proverbs 27:17)

... the heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense (Proverbs 27:9)

... there are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24)

... wounds from a friend are better than many kisses from an enemy (Proverbs 27:6)

I have amazing friends that challenge me and push me to be all that I can be- both as a woman and as a child of God. They support me and refuse to let me remain the same. They counsel me, they are loyal, and they say the hard words even when that's not what I want to hear. Sometimes, I slip up because I am human, and I hurt them. Sometimes- because they, too, are human- my friends hurt me. But because many of us are united in Christ, we forgive one another and let bygones be bygones.

Proverbs 9:11 says, " A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." We are wise enough to be patient with one another; I've learned the hard way that it's of great detriment to any relationship if those involved can't overlook offenses. Relationships in college primarily took me around the ringer on that [painful] lesson!

Jesus Christ is truly my best friend, the lover of my soul, and the one my identity rests in. No matter what anyone says, His is the only opinion of me that matters. He tells me I am precious; I am a daughter of the King; He delights in me; one glance of my eyes ravishes His heart. I have denied Christ full access to my heart and soul and in essence "offended" Him far more than any single person in my life, yet His response is always to take me back with open arms. He loves me with unconditional love- agape love- and in the stillness of my heart I rest in Him.

Even if no one ever thought I was funny again, if everyone told me I was a horrible writer, that I was ugly and fat and stank, if people said I had a terrible singing voice, if everyone said I had never done a single thing of worth in this lifetime, that I was a worthless teacher, and if every single friend preferred someone other than me I would still have peace in who Jesus Christ says I am because that is all that matters. Granted, if everyone in the world said I was a horrible person and unbearable to be around you'd have to assume that if EVERYONE was saying it then there must be some element of truth; I'd certainly have some work cut out for me in being the love of Christ to the world. But that will never happen because despite my imperfections I know my heart is always to love others and to be as Christlike as possible in their lives.

A friend said something to me awhile back that blessed me beyond words; I'm not saying who it was because they know who they are. But I want to share it because it's an example of the amazing people God has chosen to weave into the tapestry that is my life:

I have had a small handful of friends in this lifetime who continuously and consistently amaze me with their growth, attitude, and humility -- the kind of person who always or almost always performs above my expectations, beyond what I give him or her credit for. You are one of those friends. You are so much more mature than the Tami I knew even a year and a half ago that it humbles me, and I feel blessed beyond words that you choose to make me a part of your life. Thanks Tam. I love you, hermana.

I am blessed.

To my friends, particularly those of you that I know in "real" life beyond the internet-- whether I say it enough or not, I love you. It is a theme in my life to consistently thank my God upon every remembrance of you, and I know that God will continue the work He has begun in every single one of you until it is brought to fruition upon Christ's return. This is truth.

Greater love [agape] has no one than this- that they lay down their life [psuche- mind, will, and emotion] for their friends. I pray that I would always set aside my thoughts, my desires, and my feelings in order to show each of you my love. And in those times that I don't, I pray I would be quick to humble myself before you and seek your forgiveness.

Finally, I pray we would all live our lives as defined by these immortal words of Jim Elliot:

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.

A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me

2006-07-18T17:46:00.000-04:00

[No Scrubs, TLC]

I've said it once, but I'll say it again- I love ESPN :)

I'm pretty sure that 9 times out of 10, if you turn my TV on it will be already on ESPN. I love SportsCenter, PTI, Around the Horn... love it! My favorite thing lately has been a short series called "My Wish" in which ESPN teamed up with Disney and professional athletes to grant the wishes of sick children. Most of these children have diseases that have nearly taken their lives-- and for some of them their illnesses still may kill them (heart defects, cancer, sickle cell, etc). These are such sweet, innocent kids that deserve so much. I get teary-eyed every single time one of these kids get their wish.

Speaking of... I feel a little weird sharing this, but something kind of crazy happened to me yesterday. I was sick (I'm still not feeling 100%) and watching randomosity on... what else?... ESPN, when a movie trailer came on. It's called World Trade Center by Oliver Stone. I suppose five years is enough time now that different movies and such will start coming out.

Anyway, the weird part is that I was watching this movie trailer and all of a sudden my body was racked with sobs. Just sixty seconds into a TRAILER about September 11th and I lost it. I know it's weird. I really don't know where it came from. I still can't decide how I feel about it. It does appear to be a tribute to courage and bravery of real men as opposed to just a movie trying to play our emotions, but still. I'm torn. That said, I will probably see it, though maybe not in the theater.

I have the trailer here... let me know what you think.

'Cuz everybody know the game don't stop

2006-07-18T00:24:00.000-04:00

[Soul Survivor, Akon & Young Jeezy]

I have a friend that things went kind of sour with. They blame me and though I've apologized they still say it's all my fault and refuse to own up to their end of things. Which is totally fine with me, in that I can't make them do what they don't want to do. I also can't make them want to understand my point of view or work things out. I'd love to reconcile, or at least be able to walk away without hard feelings but the other person clearly doesn't want that.

What really makes me mad is that they are just shutting down. Ignoring e-mails and such. Now, you may be thinking that I'm a loser for trying to get in touch with them. It's a double-edged sword. On the one hand, the Bible makes it clear that if you've sinned against someone you should go to them and be reconciled before you try to go before the Lord. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, but the person at hand did think I was sinning against them and I feel that it's my responsibility, in Christ, to be humble and work it out with them. Even if they never own up to their actions that wounded me, I still feel I should be humble before them and apologize for hurting them.

Also, I've been trying to get in touch with them because we both have stuff of the other's from various times spent together that needs to be returned. I don't know their address, and they said they'd send my stuff but it's been awhile and, alas, no stuff of mine has come. It's frustrating to be ignored when if they would just send me my stuff and give me their address then I could send their stuff back and though it would frustrate me to leave things without healing the rift I'd have to accept that they don't want it. THAT was a mouthful, but maybe it gives you a sense of everything swirling around in me.

Ugh. I hate this situation. On the one hand, I want to tear my hair out because the other person once professed to care about me so much (as well as loving Christ and always seeking to do what He would do) and now they are being completely juvenile and immature. The last time I remember ignoring someone to make a point was SECOND GRADE. It's also 1 of only 2 times I ever got in serious trouble at school.

Ok, story insert here: Yah, they sent me to the principal's office for literally turning my back to my best friend because she ticked me off. (Remember that, M? ) Mrs. Carlton, I think, was her name... please tell me you remember when this happened! The only other time was in 7th grade when I called a girl a masturbater. I know, not awesome. But there were rumors about her and hot dogs going around and I was unsaved and insecure and she made fun of me on the playground. What makes it REALLY horrible is that I lied to the principal and said that I called her a "Master Baiter" because my family made me go fishing every weekend and I hated it SO much that to me it was the ultimate insult. And I got away with it! On the one hand I want to hang my head in shame, but on the other hand I kind of want to giggle because... well, that's creative and funny :)

So ANYWAY, I'm frustrated with being ignored. I want to say, "Ok, they're being a jerk and no matter how much you cared about them just get your stuff back and move on." Yet at the same time it really bothers me that someone won't accept my apology (not to mention they basically accused me in an e-mail of not even walking with God-- this is back when they still were talking to me). I've been quietly dealing with it and going on with my everyday life but I'm ready to BURST.

Grrrr.

I've said it a thousand times but I'll say it again- I hate head games. Abhor them. I can handle the loss of a close friend I once respected, and hope for the best for them even if they shut me out. The head games just really get to me. Especially with this person beause they always swore throughout our relationship that they hate it when people ignore others and they would never do that to anyone.

SO FRUSTRATED.

Ok, end of vent.

Don't let your life pass you by...

2006-07-17T02:48:00.000-04:00

... weep not for the memories

[I Will Remember You, Sarah McLachlan]

Today is July 17, 2006. The significance of this day is that my good friend from college, Jamie Shara, would have turned 24 today.

Instead, last May, the Lord chose to allow brain seizures to overtake her and bring her home to Himself. This was painful for all of us that knew her, but she died surrounded by friends and family holding hands and lifting her up in prayer.

Rarely does a day go by that she still doesn't come to mind; the pain right now is nearly as fresh as it was last May when I was caught totally by surprise by news of her being struck with seizures; she had gotten engaged exactly one week before.

I will always love her, and always wonder who she might have become. I'll never know; but I do rest in knowing that she had a growing relationship with her Lord Jesus Christ and she is with Him today.

I wrote a tribute to her when she died last May (it still kills me a little inside to use the word "die" and it's various conjugations), and you can, if you so choose, read it here:

In Memory of Jamie

Quote of the Day

2006-07-15T18:26:00.000-04:00

This is hijacked from VH1's Best Week Ever; it's from the "What Your Summer Movie Choice Says About You" segment:

If you refuse to see the movie Superman Returns what you're really saying is, "I heart al-Qaeda".

Hahaha.

So many things that I wanna say

2006-07-15T07:14:00.000-04:00

[Your Love, The Outfield]

I just wrote this e-mail to the Sports Guy (Bill Simmons. ESPN.com. Page 2. If you don't already know that I don't know why I'm friends with you.)

So, Bill, I kind of hate Skip Bayless. He has a knack for ripping my favorite sports teams to shreds (namely the Seahawks, and then Ammo when he was still playing for Gonzaga).

I've loved the 'Hawks since I was a little girl. I was barely a year and a half old when they were shut out of the Superbowl by the Raiders in '83. They sucked basically throughout my entire childhood... and teenage years... and early twenties. Hopefully we're on an upward trend now. But the point is, I love them and always have, even when they sucked. So Skip really hit a nerve when he pulled his high and mighty complex crap and essentially called them worthless last winter.

Then there's Gonzaga. I. LOVE. GONZAGA. Loving them is like having a boyfriend that will rip my heart to pieces and crush my spirit every March. And yet I live for every November when he comes back into my life with such promise-- I just KNOW that it will be different this time. Skip was treading on very sacred ground when he discounted my boy Ammo (you GOTTA know what that stands for... even if you don't,who else could I mean?) saying that he wouldn't be hyped if he were black. Grrr.

So... these things have stewed in my overanalystic mind for months. Lord only knows the things he's probably said about the Mariners, Red Sox, and Patriots. (Yes. I love Seattle and Boston teams. Weird. But true.) I (secretly) hope Skip's on your list of ESPN'ers you'd (secretly) like to fight.

Can ya give me some advice on how to get him fired?

Oh, and some advice on how to convince Tony Reali to marry me?

;)

***

I know, I'm awesome. I hope he replies to it in his next Mailbag installment.

And I was wrong... I was barely a year and one quarter when the 'Hawks lost to the LA Raiders in '83. My bad.

Gettin' close to September...

2006-07-15T06:13:00.000-04:00

I want to either start or join a fantasy football league on ESPN.

Anyone interested?

Nothing but love for Charlie Bucket

2006-07-15T04:09:00.000-04:00

I went to college with this guy... he's SO FUNNY. Go read this:

Charlie Bucket

Darla- he's totally on Facebook. We have got to figure out how to get you on there.

It's far away from me

2006-07-14T08:57:00.000-04:00

[Beside Me, Forty Foot Echo]

Normally I would never do this, but there's this band I have loved for ages (or like... 3 years... you know- like, totally forever. Kidding ;) ).

ANYway, the point is they're called Forty Foot Echo and they're awesome but hardly anyone has heard of them. So I'm just putting this out there for you all- go check them out. You can listen to four of their songs on their MySpace page linked below:

http://www.myspace.com/fortyfootecho

Brand New Day is literally in my top 5- no, make that top 3- favorite songs of all time. I love it that much. I was going to try and recommend one other song, but honestly the other three are all equally as good as Brand New Day. Give them all a shot.

I'd tell you what their sound is, but I say you go figure it out for yourself :)

Also, you can buy the album Forty Foot Echo on iTunes for $9.99 so that's always an option, too.

Sweet

2006-07-13T22:07:00.000-04:00

Ok, I love iTunes. Hands down, it's awesome.

Already they're awesome, but check this out:

Today I got an e-mail saying I was incorrectly charged twice for a purchase (which I didn't even notice, PS). Not only is iTunes crediting the overcharge back to my debit card, but they also gave me a code for a free song. How awesome is that?

Nice job, Apple ;)

Gimme three steps mister

2006-07-13T01:58:00.000-04:00

[Gimme Three Steps, Lynyrd Skynyrd]

I've got to hand it to my daddy- he built some solid musical tastes into me :) I totally remember rocking out to this song in the car, our trusty ol' 88 Civic Hatchback. Love it!

I also remember listening to The Kinks, The Doobie Brothers, .38 Special, Eric Clapton, The Eagles, and Mike and the Mechanics, among others. I actually was downloading Tom Petty and the Heartbreaker's Greatest Hits album the other day and realized that I could hum the chorus to every single song. I loved that CD and I remember painstakingly recording it onto a 90 minute tape so I could listen to it again and again circa middle school.

Anyway... random discovery of the day.

If you want to curb America's obesity epidemic, just put really hot people in position as cashiers at grocery stores. I think I'm embarking on yet another round of PMS, and all I want to do is eat horribly terrible junk foods and be angry at the world. Today I had selected Fritos and cheesy con queso dip (and yes, I know that queso means cheese. But I call it cheesy con queso dip, so bite me.). I was all set to check out when I realized that the guy I think is absolutely gorgeous at the local Food Lion was on shift. I looked at my selections, remembered my commitment to losing weight, and went and bought canteloupe and a salad. I am not. Even. Kidding.

Another recent finding is that I don't think my life would be complete without ESPN. I don't know how I lived so long without it. Oh, and I want to marry Tony Reali. He's the host of Around the Horn and he frequents PTI (Pardon the InterruPTIon). But he's a very small reason for my love of ESPN-- I just really love sports.

I've got a video here for ya all, as an example of my sports love.
PS Darla, this is the guy where I was like, "I really like this guy named... actually, I don't know his name." He's the guy in the King Tut hat ;)

Excuse me while I hang myself.

2006-07-11T23:44:00.000-04:00

Ok, worry not- I have zero plans to kill myself. But I just read a bulletin on MySpace. The criteria? Put an X by the things that apply to you, then multiply the X's by 5, and that shows you how "white" you are.

Some might roll their eyes and/or laugh this off... it simply sickens me. Read the following that supposedly make you "white".

1. You went to a private school.
2. You watch the show Laguna Beach.
3. You watch the show American Idol.
4. You watch the show O.C
5. You don`t cheat on almost anything in school.
6. You live in the suburbs.
7. You know what a poncho is.
8. You have heard a song from Panic! At The Disco.
9. You shop at American Eagle/Aeropostale/Hollister/A&F
10. You have/had a dog that is NOT a pitbull.
11. You have owned more than 1 dog.
12. You bend the bill of your hat.
13. You own a pair of DC`s/etnies/vans.
14. You would get jumped if you said the "N" word.
15. You have lived in more than one house.
16. Your neighborhood is considered to be very nice.
17. You have nice hair.
18. You say the word DUDE a lot.
19. Your mom went to college.
20. You think cops are good.
21. You have absolutely no idea what twista is saying when he raps.
22. You have or have had a river/beach house.
23. You listen to rock.
24. You know who willie nelson is.
25. Your grandparents are over the age of 60.
26. Your parents give you money when you ask.

I don't even know where to begin with how horrific that is.
16, 17, & 19 are particularly horrifying.

Plus, assuming a white person wrote this... um, 26 x 5 = 130.

130%?

Regardless, not only is this sickening in and of itself, but the fact that people actually fill it out and pass it on makes me ill. I can't even find words to explain how angry and depressed I feel all at once.

This- THIS- is why I teach.

I want to be holy like You are

2006-07-11T05:31:00.000-04:00

[Wholly Yours, David Crowder Band]

I'm getting excited for next school year. I've been thinking about the changes in my life, and the way my Lord has been recentering my focus on Him, and I am excited at the privilege and opportunity to serve my students.

The truth is, despite being well-intentioned, the leadership in my school (from local administration up to the upper echelon of ranking officials) is subpar. Enough so that I can't say whether I will stay past my two year commitment to Tea*ch for Amer*ica. I'll certainly finish out my commitment, but staying for a third year will simply depend on how next year goes. This is not to mention time spent in prayer, seeking where God would have me go. Here's to hope that He'll send me to Seattle :)

There were times last year when I really wondered if it was all worth it- leaving my friends, family, and beloved PacNW (Pacific Northwest) to live in the middle of nowhere, in a culture that often baffles me (trust me... the south is sometimes like living in a foreign country. But at least in China I could understand their accents when speaking English!!), and working in a school system where it seemed that my 90 hour workweeks had far less impact and meaning than the latest "life is all about riches and sex" hip-hop song. The endless optimist in me was courted- and nearly swept away- by Sir Cynicism.

At the end of the day, however, I am reminded of my passion-- my kids. They deserve my best. I would give them the world, if I could. They are so smart, and have so much potential, but 10 years of less than exemplary (to put it nicely) teaching have left them far behind their peers. By the third grade children in impoverished areas (primarily urban and rural settings) are an average of 3 years behind their suburban peers. My students are a prime example of this statistic- the average reading level in my high school is about fifth grade; writing is likely closer to third. I wish I were exagerrating.

It breaks my heart to read things written by my ninth graders like, "My goals in this class is get a A so I can be luwyar". So I press on- my kids will know the curriculum (and they know that I would feel like a failure at life if they couldn't say how this nation came to exist, or recall immediately that Spain is in Europe and not South America!!) but in addition they will be better readers, better writers, and better thinkers.

I am a very relationship driven teacher. It's simply who I am. My classroom motto is "daring to be REAL" and I do my best to be authentic before my students. When I am grouchy, sarcastic, and short tempered I apologize and admit they deserve a better teacher. When I don't know an answer, I admit it. When I am wrong, I make sure to correct myself. These students deserve to see an adult who can accept that she is not perfect; I strive to be a living example before them.

When a sense of dread at the impending work ahead of me creeps into the perimeter of my heart and mind, I remind myself of my students- truly they are, after Christ, the loves of my life. I see Summer's face glowing when she would come in before and after school because she knew I would be excited to see her, and that I would ask and genuinely care about how things were going. I see Charity stopping in to give me a prom picture. I see Dave's face absolutely beaming when I told him that he had amazing potential and that I would do whatever it takes to ensure that he is sufficiently prepared to excell in college. I think of Helen, and the tears in her eyes when she told me that, because of me, she would wait to get pregnant, and that I was the first person in her life that made her feel truly loved. I see Max's shy smile of happy surprise when I happened to see him at Wal-Mart last week. I hear the numerous excited shouts I encounter in public of, "Ms. T*K!!!" (oft said in various other forms, including but not limited to, "Whaddup, T-KAY!!", and, "Yo, T-Kizzle!!", and, "Ah, I see T*K's rockin' the Ac" [short for Acura, of course], and, "Holla, T*K!"). I recall all of the above, and my heart is full.

In the upcoming weeks my plans include reading this year's Te*ach for Ameri*ca materials that the newbies poured over at Institute, and trying to nail down exactly what I'll be teaching so I can begin mapping out next year. This could be tricksie, since I was switched from World History to US History two days before school started last year, and then back to World History when we started the new semester (I teach on a block schedule, so we get all new classes and I- ode to joy- was able to start new curriculum as well). When school ended my principal had pretty much no idea what I'll be teaching next year. Sweet.

Nonetheless- here's to my kids. I'm preparing even now because they deserve my very best. Here's one of my favorite pics of them:

2006-07-10T19:21:00.000-04:00

Tami Hii'mawesome is currently watching the All-Star Home Run Derby.

Go Big Papi!!

One love, one life

2006-07-09T17:18:00.000-04:00

[One, U2]

Have I mentioned recently that I love sports? Because I absolutely do.

The Hurricanes sucked me into becoming a hockey fan. Before now, I was always fairly ambivalent toward soccer... but, thanks to the FIFA World Cup, I am now officially a soccer fan.

I, of course, pull for the U.S.A. in any sporting event on a world stage. They sort of sucked it up (is "sort of" an understatement?). Next, I tend to pull for England and then Germany (nations of my heritage). I'm usually happy to see any African team win in anything.

Per the World Cup final... it was amazing, as I was watching it, to realize that over one billion people were watching the exact same events at the exact same time as I was. It's simply unfathomable for me; impossible to try and wrap my mind around. One billion people.

I have discovered a man that is going to be giving Tom Brady some tough competition for man I'd like to marry ;) His name is Fabio Cannavaro, and he's an absolute stud on the soccer pitch. He's also absolutely gorgeous!!

See for yourself--

Now, sports lover that I am, I'm watching ESPN's Portraits of Courage: Best of ESPY's Ashe Award. It tells the stories of athletes of incredible courage, who not only shine in their sports abilities, but also as human beings. It's made me cry about every ten minutes, but it's inspirational.

In closing- yay Italy (I was rooting for them) and have a wonderful evening!!

Favorites List

2006-07-09T02:45:00.000-04:00

#1 - Hearing a suburban white girl that's not yet in middle school, without make-up and in thick ol' glasses saying, "Pimped".

Thank you, Pimp My Ride!

#2 - Phone conversations with American friends in Japan... you rock, Sho!

#3 - Ten cent music downloads

#4 - Honest people who are comfortable with who they are!!

#5 - iTunes. 'Nuff said.

#6 - New friends to go out with! Crystal and I went to dinner and then the drive-in last night; normally I think people that like the drive-in are pretty hokey, but we had so much fun! Plus, Cars was a really cute movie, and X Men III was good (though I haven't seen the first two) because she explained everything to me :)

#7 - The old school Super Mario Bros. song... doot-doot-doodoo-doot-da-doot !!

#8 - Sleep

#9 - Being single, sexy, and self-confident!

#10 - My awesomely incredible super-rock-star-alicious friends :)

You can't hurry love- no, you'll just have to wait

2006-07-07T16:36:00.000-04:00

[You Can't Hurry Love, The Supremes]

A'ight, so most of my friends already know this, but there has been some curiosity as to what happened to my "love bog". I deleted it... I'm sure you want to know why, so I'll give ya the full story. This is long, but it's worth it, so read the whole thing!

When I first met Dusty, I was hesitant and cautious. I tried to be really careful because I have been saving all of me- my heart, my physical purity, my love- for one man. As I got to know him, though, it was clear that the Lord was bringing us together. Even in retrospect that is clear (and hindsight tends to be 20/20). However, I did make the mistake of assuming that not only was I to be in a relationship with him, but that he was "the one".

I went down a few weeks ago and met his family. It was amazing. It felt like home. Things were great. Every now and then I sensed that he wasn't saying all he wanted to say, but I thought that was normal- it's what guys do, I thought- for him to have a hard time putting all that was in his heart into words. I surprised myself with how sweet and cute and fun I was around him. I mean, I have those qualities, but I always hear about women being witches in relationships and I was scared that I would be one of those people. But even when he was horribly grouchy one day (not mean to me, per se, just grouchy and kind of whiny) instead of responding in my flesh and being all, "ME! Get over yourself and pay attention to ME!!", I found myself being cute and funny and reaffirming. That was my natural response- to focus on him, and bring joy to his life. I'm glad I learned that about myself :)

So after I got home he wrote me and said, basically, that he wanted to take me and make me his wife more than anything, but that God still hadn't told him whether that was in His (the Lord's) will yet. When I read that e-mail I realized, in my heart, that God hadn't spoken to me, either. Like I said- I assumed that because God did reveal that I was to be in a relationship with Dusty that he was also the one I would marry. It didn't make sense that I would meet someone that seemed so fit for me in every way, begin to fall for them, and then not spend my life with them.

I began to really seek the Lord's face. I searched His Word, allowing it to minister to my heart, and I prayed. I was bare, vulnerable, and honest before Him. He began to really work. I was waiting for a yes or no answer, but God simply said to me, "Trust Me. Seek Me. Rely on Me for every step, but keep walking in this relationship."

See, I am a very black and white person. All or nothing. For a year and a half in college I actually stopped watching all movies with a rating over PG because I convinced myself that it was ungodly to watch anything with a PG-13 or above rating. I stopped listening to any music that was not explicitly Christian- and that includes purely instrumental music- for nearly 3 years. You may think this sounds crazy, and you might be asking yourself, "Why?", right now. It's very simple- there are movies, and there is music, that would not be healthy for me, as a Christian to watch/hear. However, it's easier for me to have very strict, black-and-white, and legalistic rules for myself (notice- for myself- not necessarily set by the Lord) than to walk in the grey; that is, to seek the Lord each step of the way, keeping my heart open to Him saying, "This isn't my best for you; walk away."

With Dusty, I either wanted to leave the relationship completely, or know that I would marry Him. And the Lord, once I began to seek Him wholeheartedly, made it very clear: He wanted me to stay in the relationship, seeking Him each step of the way, being open and communicative with Dusty. You see, I just wanted to know the end result- would I marry this guy, or no? However, God is far more concerned with the process of working in me, internally transforming me into the image of Christ.

So, heeding the scriptures, I kept seeking the Lord. According to God's word, the key to effective prayer is this: Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened.(Matthew 7:7) As I sought Him, the Lord spoke. First, He told me to be open with my friends and family about what He was doing. I am afraid of being wrong and how that would look, so I didn't want to say anything to people from home (for those that don't know I'm from Washington state but moved to North Carolina to teach underprivileged students a year ago) until I knew if Dusty was the one or not. God said, "Be open with them. Involve them. Allow them to join you in prayer." So I wrote an e-mail, and I knew that people were joining me in prayer and supporting me. I have amazing people in my life that love me deeply and want God's best for me, and it was a joy to involved them in how God was working in me.

Then, a godly couple that I am close to from home wrote me and told me that they felt led by the Lord to share some concerns about doctrinal differences betwen Dusty and I (things such as speaking in tongues, beliefs in being "slain in the Spirit" (you know, where people just fall over because God literally blew them away), the idea that if you ever get sick it's because you don't trust the Lord to keep you healthy, and the notion that if you say scriptures about riches then God will make you financially wealthy; I disagree with all of these things, but Dusty believes in them). I had just assumed God would change my heart, since I thought Dusty was the one, to have the same beliefs, but as I began to pray and seek God He made it clear that He has built a foundation of truth into my life for a purpose, and that if I abandoned that truth I would bring spiritual death upon myself that would grow and eventually lead to me becoming very resentful- likely, of Dusty, because I would feel as though he forced it on me (even if I chose it for myself). I don't EVER want to become that person. But, when I tried to talk to Dusty about what I believe he got defensive and starting preaching at me- not discussing things, but literally preaching at me. In his defense, he is an ordained minister and he feels that everything he believes is truth.

It became more and more clear that his expectation was for me to be the one to abandon what I believe and to adhere to his doctrine and theology. The more I prayed the more I knew that I simply cannot do that. A married couple should be in harmony on God's Word, without room for a divisive spirit to come between them. To me, this is the single-most important facet of my future marriage. You can work out selfishness and personal differences, but Christ is what unifies you and if you can't be on the same page concerning who He is and how He works then you are setting yourself up for resentment, bitterness, and, ultimately, failure.

Beyond this, God really began to minister to my heart, and to show me that I am precious. He has had His hand on me my entire life and He has special plans for me. I began to realize that Dusty, though he thought he was supportive, was really expecting me to be his cheerleader, his support, and to be caught up in God's plans for him. He does have a calling on his life, but I need someone just as excited about God's plans for my life as he is about his own. That wasn't there with Dusty.

God also- very clearly- said, "Pay attention to how he treats you, Tami. You are precious in My sight. A jewel to be treasured. You deserve a man who will fight for you, who will love you and give himself for you as Christ gave himself for the church." Literally the same day I had a conversation with Dusty in which he lashed out at me for hurting him. He basically told me I was a cold and cruel person with no concern for the feelings of others. After this conversation I prayed, and I realized that I had been wrong to say the thing I had said which had hurt him. I apologized and asked his forgiveness, and told him I was completely wrong to say what I had. He said he forgave me, but then went on to say that, essentially, I deserved what I got because that's how he reacts to being hurt. And then he told me again that I have no regard for the feelings of others.

As a reaction to this, I shared the situation with a friend. She surprised me with her strong reaction- she told me that is absolutely not who/how I am, and that it made her literally angry that anyone would ever say something like that to me, let alone the man who said he wanted to spend his life with me. Then, another incident happened in which Dusty was very self-absorbed again and basically was sarcastic and hurtful when I told him that God was laying things on my heart and that we really needed to talk.

Then, suddenly, I woke up. I realized that somehow, I- one of the strongest and most confident women I know- was becoming a girl who let her boyfriend mistreat her. Not just mistreat her, but be mean and rude to her, dehumanizing her. And I was letting him, trying to support him and show him that I cared for him and wanted to work it all out. See, I always made everything about him. How could I support him, love him, care for him, make him happy. That's how I seem to work in a relationship; and that's not bad, but only if he is equally attentive to me, and how to love, support, and care for me. But it wasn't like that with Dusty- for him, it was always about him, and it simply wasn't healthy because I realized I was setting myself up for a long life of misery if I kept on in that manner with him.

So I stood up for myself. I told him I deserved his respect, not his sarcasm, and I told him that we needed to talk. Eventually, when we did talk, I explained to him that I deserve a man that will fight for me- a man that, when he meets me, will not rest until he makes me his wife. Plus, the man I marry deserves for me to be in awe of who he is and what he does, and I knew I wasn't right for Dusty because I read a Bible study he wrote and it consistently made me uncomfortable due to what, in my heart of hearts, I believed to be false doctrine and skewed theology. He deserves a wife who will read his studies and be amazed that she could be in love with someone that could write something so wonderful- and that woman isn't me.

I know that I will be consistently in awe of who my man is. I know our idiosyncracies will at times drive each other mad- and that my habit of always saying exactly what I think won't always be refreshing- but when all is said and done, I know that I'll wake up some mornings and just stare at him, wondering how I could be so blessed as to get the privilege of building a life together with such an incredibly marvelous man. I also know that- by a true miracle- he'll feel the same way about me. Chivalrous as it may sound, he'll be the first and last one standing when it comes to defending my honor, and, like I said, he'll fight for me. He'll fight for our marriage, and for our life together.

Dusty didnt' fight. He responded by being selfish and even more hurtful when I tried to tell him how he was treating me. I realized, as I was talking to him, that we hurt the ones we love more deeply than anyone else. We're human, and it happens, no matter how much we hate it. But what matters is how we react to realizing we have hurt someone we love; that reveals whether or not we have a healthy relationship. Dusty's reaction of trying to make me feel bad, and like it was my fault since I hurt him first, showed me that he simply was wrong for me. God brought back to mind that He had told me to pay attention to how I was treated... and I came to see that I deserve much better.

Now, before you go hating this "Dusty" guy that you know exists out there somewhere, know that when we talked he admitted that he hated what he was doing. In his heart he was shutting me out and pushing me away. He did apologize, and did become very real and honest. There's more, but that's all you need to know. And for a moment I thought maybe we could make it work. But then, it came back down to the doctrine. I simply can't marry someone that I don't agree with on such an important part- the most important part- of my life. Plus, I know in my heart that he wants to stay in his life here in North Carolina. I dread the thought of never leaving here. As I said in a previous entry, I feel drawn back to the PacNW, to Seattle.

So I suppose I broke up with him. I came into the conversation with the instinct that I'd leave it a single (free!!) woman, so though it was a mutual agreement, essentially I broke up with him. I don't feel bad at all- I learned SO much, about myself and relationships in general. I was excited and blessed to see that God worked so much. Dusty... well, I don't think he's faring as well. He tried to tell me I was perfect and he couldn't have asked for a more perfect wife (save for the doctrinal differences). I think he wanted me to say that I felt the same about him, but I don't. He's a nice guy, but he's got some growing up to do, some serious soul-searching ahead, methinks.

As for me- I have never been so excited to be single! My deepest fear has been that I would marry the wrong man, that I'd fall for the first guy to show me any love, and then end up in a loveless, dead marriage someday. Seeing God work and how I reacted to this relationship- particularly, seeing that I can stand up for myself and hold out for what I know I really need and want (not to mention the ability to wait for the man God has for me)- showed me that my fear is completely unfounded. I am a strong woman of God- He has a LOT more to work on in me, mind you!!- and I can rest assured that when the right man comes along I'll seek Christ and refuse to be out of His will.

Also, just marriage in general has been like a weight lifted off my chest. I realized that I have gifts and talents- teaching, working with youth, being an inspiration and mentor to teen girls, singing- and God wants to use me to affect this world. My sole purpose is not to become a wife and mother. Not being married by 25 doesn't mean I am unlovable. When God brings a man to interrupt my life, the man that I simply can't go on without, then hallelujah. But until then, I can rejoice in my freedom and be used by my Lord to be a world changer, a history maker. I've never felt so excited in my life, honestly.

All I can say is watch out, world ;)

Everything changes...

2006-07-06T16:40:00.000-04:00

So they aren't in order, per se, but here's a photo album that chronicles the last year of my life. You don't have to be a Facebook user to see it, so click the link below, click on the first pic to make it larger, and enjoy!

A Year in the Life

PS Feel free to come back here and leave comments :)

You look so beautiful tonight

2006-07-06T01:32:00.000-04:00

[City of Blinding Lights, U2]

Today I did something unprecedented. It started with dropping off a modem for a friend who had to move but the offices of her cable company were closed. I had a hunger for adventure, so I threw caution to the wind and ignored my carefully printed MapQuest directions. After getting a little lost but eventually dropping off the goods, I decided to go to The Evil Empire (aka Wal-Mart) to buy some huge jugs of water because I'm a water snob and hate water from the tap. I feel like I'm drinking from a pool.

I digress... anyway, I realized that I also wanted to get milk, but that about a mile from T.E.E. there is a theater. I've been saying that I'd go to a movie by myself, but I just haven't. Today I decided to get over myself, and I followed my heart. I bought my ticket to see The Devil Wears Prada (and it's actually a good movie, so ya know!), and realized I had an hour until it started and I hadn't eaten anything all day (I get up late...), so I walked about a half-mile or so to a Sonic, sat out at the tables (it's a drive-in, with tables you can order from under an awning outside), and splurged on what I actually wanted to eat. After the movie I went and got my water and milk, and came home feeling completely at peace with who I am.

My adventures today inspired me to say this to you all-- especially you ladies:

A burger, onion rings, and a banana split: $8.65

One movie ticket: $5.00

Feeling single, sexy, and self-confident: Priceless

:)

And I'ma try not to trouble nobody

2006-07-05T01:55:00.001-04:00

[Trouble Nobody, Akon]

It was yet another spectacular day in my life. I spent the Fourth alone, in my apartment. I know, kinda pathetic. But... there's not really much to do when you live in the sticks like I do (thank you for that, T*FA) and on another day I might have felt enough spunk to go out and explore but I just decided I didn't feel like it. So I didn't.

I did, however, finish Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban last night, so I watched the movie today. Yah, I own all the movies yet hadn't read the books yet. I'm awesome.

I also caught the Germany vs. Italy World Cup game starting at 86-ish minutes. Yeah, I know- awesome timing. So I saw the two overtimes, including Italy's two sudden goals. And I had a realization. Two, actually.

1 - Soccer players are hot.
2 - German men are hot.

And that's all I have to say about that *wink*

Then I watched Glory Road. I had never seen it, yet I bought it because I knew I'd love it. Come on- put sports and overcoming racial inequity, easily my two biggest passions after Christ, in a movie and I know I'll love it. My only complaint is that I felt like Disney was trying a little too hard to do Remember the Titans: The Basketball Version. The theme music at the end was seriously a remix of the Titans theme song. And that's boo, but meh.

So I just tried to search for Remember the Titans on iTunes and it asked me if I meant "Remember the Tetanus".

And no, I didn't spell anything wrong.

Wow.

Random awesome quote of the day, posted on a MySpace dedicated to the Red Sox / Yankees rivalry:

I went to a ballgame in Mariners stadium last year where Red Sox and Yankee fans got into fistfights. In freakin' SEATTLE. Somebody must've forgotten to order decaf in their latte or something.

Can I just say... HAHAHA. That's AWESOME! Although, the man is kind of a tool because it's not called "Mariners stadium"- it's called Safeco Field. Some people just aren't cool enough to know that, I guess.

So yeah... on that note... I'm going to get back to organizing all of the pictures on my computer. It's kind of sickening how ridiculously messed up they are. An hour of work and I haven't even finished the subfolder for my students from this last year. Ack.

Have a lovely night/morning/afternoon-- whatever.

I like you.

And they say that a hero can save us...

2006-07-04T17:59:00.000-04:00

[Hero, Chad Kroeger]

I just want to take this opportunity, on our nation's recognized 230th birthday, to thank all of our soldiers.

Regardless of how you feel about the war, these young men and women deserve our respect and heartfelt gratitude. Daily they lay down their lives to ensure the freedom of a nation that oft takes that freedom for granted.

I, for one,want to take a moment to say:

Thank you.

Sweet like candy to my soul

2006-07-04T01:21:00.000-04:00

[Crash, Dave Matthews Band]

Last night I never went to bed.

I went to bed this morning (well, now yesterday morning) at 7 am. I can't really explain why... I've had a lot on my mind, and that was a pretty big reason. Details to come most likely in a week or so. But.... I'm just a tool, I suppose. And then I woke up all groggy around 3. In the afternoon. Completely forgot to run an errand for a friend (because I'm cool like that) and realized that tomorrow is the Fourth of July, ergo I can't run the errand til Wednesday. I hope she still likes me.

Yesterday I watched The Notebook, all by myself in my living room. How cool is that? Yah, I know, not really. Then tonight I watched Friday Night Lights, in my living room, and- you guessed it- all by myself. It's ironic that a month ago I was trying to cram in all the "one last time"-s with friends before summer, and trying not to stress about all the work I had to do. Now I would literally sit and stare at the wall if I didn't have the good 'ol inet to keep me busy.

Ok, about FNL- it's such a good movie. I kept offensive football stats (and special teams) in high school, and was actually recruited by the coaches last year where I teach (I teach high school; this summer I'm gearing up for year two ;) ) to do the same for our team. It was great- I love sports. Especially high school sports, because you know those kids. It was great to cheer Ra-Ra (Raheem) down the field on Friday nights in our stadium, flourescent lights glaring off the roughed up helmets and exposed pads, and then to teach him in class Monday afternoon.

I also love the way it gave me an "in" for relationships- I'm HUGE on relationships as a teacher, because I'm not just here to teach; I'm here to see lives changed and I could be in some plush suburban school making better money but I chose to join the movement of Tea*ch for Ame*rica to work with students that the rest of the nation could care less about. So I volunteered 5-10 hours on Friday nights in part because then in class I could rib CJ about when he'd make those big plays. Plus, in the halls I have the respect of the football players, and trust me- you want them boys on your side when you teach in a high school like mine.

But... I also LOVE. SPORTS. Particularly football. I love the explosion of helmets crashing into one another, the grunts of boys becoming men, the ebb and flow of emotion in the crowd, the jumping and screaming, the slumped shoulders of loss, the glory and the defeat. I get so excited for fall, for the creeping chill in the air that sends the death heat of summer on its way.

Here's to fall, and to football :)

I'll stay with you

2006-07-02T21:45:00.000-04:00

[Stay with You, Goo Goo Dolls]

Sad day. Last night I was so careful to make sure that my alarm was set so I'd be able to get up and go to church today. I know that I won't wake up on time without it, so I needed ensure it would go off.

It didn't.

It's a "smart" alarm clock that has some microchip that knows what day of the week and date it is, and the time (including when Daylight Savings Time happens... it just automatically does it). Only, apparently it somehow decided that today was Thursday, June 29. So since my alarm was on "weekend" it never went off.

Grrr.

So, no church for me.

Today I realized that I really, really want to live in Seattle.

[Insert: MMMbop by Hanson just came on my iTunes. It's on my "Songs I Should Hate" playlist. Because I'm awesome. Only I'm going to skip it. Ahhh... Everything Changes by Staind. Amazing song. Amazing song.]

So yeah... I really want Seattle to be home. It keeps coming back to mind... I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I'm not sure when or how I would end up there, but I want that to be where I say I'm from when people ask. I want that to be where my children grow up. I want to go to Seahawks and Mariners games, go to the annual "Battle in Seattle" that Gonzaga always has as a tribute to their fans/alumni that live on what we Washingtonians call "the west side", referrring to the western side of the Cascade Mountains. I want to find an awesome church that does ministry to the greater Seattle metropolitan area, work in a Title I school, and live out my life there. I want my children to grow up as Seahawks/Mariners fans (with special room for the Patriots and Red Sox, of course), watching loads of games on Fox Sports Northwest.

I was talking to someone about the fact that the PacNW (Pacific Northwest) is the most beautiful part of the country. I've been to exaclty half the states, and actually have driven through most of them. Landwise I'm sure I've been to much more than half, since the western states are so much more spread out and I've been all over everything west of (and including) Colorado. But seriously- you have not lived until you have been to the Puget Sound... especially the islands. It's absolutely beautiful. Breathtakingly so.

*sigh*

Can anyone else tell I'm homesick?

My hands release you

2006-07-01T22:04:00.000-04:00

[Run, baby, Run, Jason Upton]

I can't stop listening to this song. You can buy it on iTunes. Do. It. Now.

In other news... I went to NBC.com earlier and watched "Lazy Sunday". Still abso-freaking-lutely hilarious. Oh, so funny.

Today I watched Lord of War. What a tragically great movie. Watch it if you've never seen it. It's based on real facts. I almost cried at the end when it said that the largest munitions dealers in the world- the U.S., U.K., Russia, China, and France- are also the five permanent members of the U.N. Security Council. I mean, I knew that about the UN (the permanent security council members were the five victorious "free" world powers after WWII), but just the connection between "freedom" and arming the poor nations, like Africa, makes me literally feel like I might throw up. This world breaks my heart. My response is come quickly, Lord Jesus.

Today I discovered radio and podcasts on iTunes. I just hadn't really messed with it all before, I guess. My first podcast subscription? Homestarrunner :) I think I really do need to save up and hold out for the 60 gig iPod. I just remind myself of how good it will feel to finally get it, after saving so diligently for... however long it will take. I could go buy one tomorrow but I've worked darn hard to get a savings! I plan to keep making it larger and larger.

I remember once when I went to the bank and someone had left their receipt in the little slot. I took it to crumple up and toss in the trash receptacle in my car, but not before noticing that they had circa twenty grand in their checking account. Twenty. Thousand. Dollars. But... I plan, Lord willing, to have a savings like that. I live by a pretty careful budget now, and am consistently saving. It feels really good, to be honest. I actually feel way better about this than I felt when I had credit cards and went into stores and just bought pretty much whatever I wanted. Then I only had lots of crap and little self-respect. Now I have the inner peace that comes from self-control.

It's nice :)

Closing thoughts- Dani California by Red Hot Chili Peppers is a great song. Check that one out, too.

And, random... RHCP sing about California a lot. Under the Bridge (all about the "City of Angels", aka Los Angeles), Californication, and now Dani California all jump to mind right away.

Interesting.

I personally think California kind of sucks.

Wish List

2006-07-01T00:11:00.000-04:00

1. I wish that the people on The Office were real.

2. I wish that I could marry Jim Halpert. And that he were real.

3. I wish I were a little bit taller.

4. I wish I was a baller.

5. I wish I had a girl that looked good, so I could call her. Ok, not really.

6. I wish I could be a hobbit. And live in the Shire. And be friends with Gandalf. Really.

7. I wish my car was 14 years newer. And blue.

8. I wish I could find a cure for AIDS / war / poverty / hunger

9. I wish I were funnier. Ok, not really. When you're funny like I am there's no where to go but down from here.

10. I wish I could sprout wings and fly.

11. I wish I looked like Jessica Alba.

12. I wish I could have the summer off with nothing to do. Oh, wait, GOT THAT!

13. I wish it were possible to be jealous of myself, because then I would be.

14. I wish I could go home and visit my friends and family.

15. I wish I knew what my future holds.

16. I wish I lived in Seattle.

17. I wish my savings account was about 100 times larger. I'm not sure what I'd do with $60,000 dollars in savings, but it would be hot.

18. I wish I had a special card where I could go to Costco and get whatever I want and just run the card and the money never runs out. And that includes free gas :)

19. I wish there was a special drink so that I could eat whatever I wanted and then I'd drink this drink and I'd always be a perfectly toned and fit size 6.

20. I wish I could always be 24 but not have to die in order for that to happen.

21. I wish my boyfriend were here.

22. I wish I didn't have to pee right now.

23. I wish I had an iPod.

24. I wish I were skinny dipping with my roommates in our backyard (aka our lake) right now.

This is why I'm awesome...

2006-06-30T20:44:00.000-04:00

According to iTunes I watched 14 episodes of The Office in the last 29 hours.

I deserve an award.

Or a life.

I'm gonna go with award.

Or maybe a life.

Quickie...

2006-06-30T04:26:00.000-04:00

Have I mentioned recently that I LOVE The Office?

Because I absolutely do.

Risk it all and I'll be right here

2006-06-29T20:33:00.000-04:00

[How it Feels, Foreign Oren]

I wish I had something awesome to say. Like that I did many wonderful and world altering things today. I didn't. I watched The Office and now am watching the Red Sox on ESPN. I love the BoSox :)

In happy news, Ammo (Adam Morrison) was drafted by the Charlotte Bobcats- yay! Sean May also plays there (I'm also a Tar Heel fan) so that's happy! I will actually try to catch some games next year on TV, and maybe even go watch a game or two in Charlotte since it's only about 3 hours away.

And, since I'm on sports, how about them Mariners? They're totally picking up steam and are only 2.5 games out of first in the AL West. Yay for them!

Ok, so there's this amazing song I discovered last night. If you want to hear it, go to my MySpace here. It's the one I referred to at the start of this post, called How it Feels by Foreign Oren.

Here's my favorite part of the lyrics (it's actually the chorus):

if you feel like falling head over heels
then risk it all and i'll be right here
i can't say what tomorrow holds
but i know this is how it feels to let go

And I know You will always have my heart

2006-06-27T20:24:00.000-04:00

[You Are Good, Jeff Deyo]

Today I am reminded of the greatness of God. That His love is unfailing, and that He's not safe, but He's good.

God is calling Dusty and I to a place where we absolutely seek His face, yearn for His will, and it's been amazing. I have never felt so covered by God's Word, or filled with faith that He will do exactly as He wills.

I have a deep fear of being wrong. I'm so afraid that I might take the wrong step that I stand there, frozen, unable to move. Yet God has gently said to me that He is telling me to take that step and trust wherever He takes me. He's not promising that I'll marry Dusty yet. He's just telling me to step out in faith.

I am reminded of the lyrics to a Jeremy Camp song, Walk By Faith:

Will I believe You when You say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to rid my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

And I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Well I'm broken
But I still see Your face
You've spoken
Pouring Your words of grace

I will walk by faith...

Love Blog

2006-06-26T20:42:00.000-04:00

http://lookafteryou.blogspot.com/

You can check out my new "love blog" at that link.

:)

What's mine is yours to make your own

2006-06-26T18:19:00.000-04:00

[Look After You, The Fray]

I know my faithful readers think I'm dead. I'm not, I was just out of town for the weekend.

I was down near Charlotte with my boyfriend. It was amazing. I am completely and totally in love. He's amazing. I'd gush about him, but I'm actually going to start a separate blog about him because I know people puh-robably don't want to be tuned into the TamiLovesDusty channel all the time, even if I can't seem to get my antenna to find any other stations ;)

Um... sadly, I have nothing amazing to say at the moment, other than I think I got a freaking sunburn through the windows of my car despite the fact that it rained for 75% of my drive home. Because that's awesome.

More to come :)

Quote of the day from The Office

2006-06-22T15:19:00.000-04:00

Michael: Yeah, well you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.

Dwight: People love beets.

Michael: Nobody likes beets.

Dwight: Everyone loves beets.

Michael: NOBODY likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow CANDY.

This is my mixed tape for you

2006-06-22T14:47:00.001-04:00

[The Mixed Tape, Jacks Mannequin]

The Hardware Cafe is probably the best thing about Warrenton. Great food, cute atmosphere, decent prices... and they have cute "hardware-y" names for all of their sandwiches and such, like "Nuts and Bolts" and... well, that's all I can remember. But you know, it's cute.

Allow me to share a little interlude I had this afternoon with you all:

Me: I'd like The Ladder [a sandwich] and a 16 oz non-fat iced mocha.
Cashier: (with snooty undertones) We don't have any non-fat milk.
Me: Ok, well with regular milk then.
Cashier: (even more snootily) Well I'm not going to make that because we're busy.

Ok, are you freaking kidding me? I mean, first off, why didn't she just say she wouldn't make it in the first place? Who the frick cares what kind of milk you do or don't have if you're not going to make the drink, anyway? Honestly. Second of all, who the heck has something on their menu but then says they aren't going to sell it? I mean, whatever, but that was four bucks of business for them that they lost out on.

Grrr. I was really craving an iced mocha, too. I drink coffees like 3 times a year and today would have been perfect.

In other news, I downloaded and am watching the entire second season of The Office. I think I like it every bit as much as Arrested Development. In fact, I'm going to buy the DVD's when they come out- it's just that good. Plus I'm in love with Jim (sorry if you read that, baby... but I am in love with him ;) ). So... back to that now!

A Year in the Life...

2006-06-22T00:47:00.000-04:00

If you hover over any of the pics below there will be a caption. Sorry that the formatting is messed up, but such is life.

Sometimes it's hard to breathe, just knowing you found me

2006-06-21T19:09:00.000-04:00

[With You, Jessica Simpson]

I had a wonderful quiet time today. Let me just share a snippet of what God said. This is from Colossians 3 in the Amplified Bible.

11[In this new creation all distinctions vanish.] There ^[c]is no room for and there can be neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, [nor difference between nations whether alien] barbarians or Scythians [^[d]who are the most savage of all], nor slave or free man; but Christ is all and in all [^[e]everything and everywhere, to all men, without distinction of person].

12Clothe yourselves therefore, as God's own chosen ones (His own picked representatives), [who are] purified and holy and well-beloved [by God Himself, by putting on behavior marked by] tenderhearted pity and mercy, kind feeling, a lowly opinion of yourselves, gentle ways, [and] patience [which is tireless and long-suffering, and has the power to endure whatever comes, with good temper].

13Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive].

14And above all these [put on] love and enfold yourselves with the bond of perfectness [which binds everything together completely in ideal harmony].

15And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ's] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always].

16Let the word [spoken by] Christ (the Messiah) have its home [in your hearts and minds] and dwell in you in [all its] richness, as you teach and admonish and train one another in all insight and intelligence and wisdom [in spiritual things, and as you sing] psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, making melody to God with [His] grace in your hearts.

It was really hard to pick out which part to put here, but God's Word is SO GOOD! I love the Amplified Bible. I recommend it if you want to really dig into the intended Greek and Hebrew meanings.

It's so freeing to know that God's desire is to use me. But not just that- He's crazy about me. I've recently met someone, and it's amazing to have someone that's just in awe of me like that. Imagine how much more so God is in awe of me- I mean, He has created and fashioned me. I also read Song of Solomon (aka Song of Songs) today and my breath was stolen away yet again by verse 4:9--

You have ravished my heart, my treasure, my bride. I am overcome by one glance of your eyes, by a single bead of your necklace.

Isn't that absolutely... well, sorry for the redundancy, but breathtaking? That the Lord of all creation feels that way about me, that one glance of my eyes ravishes His heart. Imagine when I stop and behold His face in full.

I love God's Word. I pray I will spend increasingly more and more time in it this summer, as I have a lot of free time.

And they say that a hero can save us

2006-06-20T22:23:00.000-04:00

[Hero, Chad Kroeger]

I received some sad news today. A fellow Whitworth alum, Forrest Ewens, was killed in Afghanistan last week. I wasn't close to him, but I had certainly talked to him and had classes with him.

It's a sad reminder of how truly fragile we are. Also, whether you agree with the war on terror in Afghanistan or not, it's tragic to lose someone so young. He was only 25 and leaves behind a twin brother and a wife. Please think of them in your prayers.

I honor his bravery and courage in serving his country. I pray we'd be a nation worth his sacrifice.

For more information about him, please go here.

You found me when no one else was looking- how did you know just where I would be?

2006-06-20T18:22:00.000-04:00

[You Found Me, Kelly Clarkson]

Congratulations to the Carolina Hurricanes!! For anyone that doesn't know, I live about an hour and a half from Raleigh (and end up down there about once a month). I've never been a hockey fan, and piously harrumphed at my roommates when they invited me to games earlier this year. But the 'Canes fervor was contagious, not to mention Becca's consistency in assuring me that hockey rocks, and I've been following them for the last month or so.

I was able to watch the last few games on TV and I have to say that last night's game converted me. I am officially a hockey fan. That was an AMAZING game- so intense the entire time, bursting with skill and hustle and intensity. Plus- THEY WON!! It's been so fun to watch the local stations- everyone's pumped. It's just exciting and fun. So yay for hockey- I'll DEFINITELY go catch a few games down in Raleighwood next year.

Another thought about sports: I read this on ESPN.com earlier:

The other Pittsburgh player in the news recently for an off-field incident, first-round draft choice Santonio Holmes, was also at the Steelers' headquarters Tuesday to meet with team officials and assistant coaches.

The former Ohio State wide receiver, expected to contribute to the Steelers' passing game as a rookie, was arrested early Monday morning on charges of domestic violence and simple assault against the mother of his youngest child. He pleaded not guilty to the charges on Monday afternoon and arrived in Pittsburgh early Tuesday morning for a meeting that had been arranged before the incident.

All I have to say to that is... sounds like a Pittsburgh Steeler to me.

As most know, I can't stand the Steelers. I don't like them and never have.

I have other thoughts on things non-sports related, but being as my inspiration is oft-thinly spread these days I shall save it for later :)

PS...

2006-06-19T20:15:00.000-04:00

Go 'Canes!!

More than a feeling

2006-06-19T17:33:00.000-04:00

[More Than A Feeling, Boston]

I have an awesome story... only I can't tell you the punchline. Sad day. Suffice it to say that-- Becca, you rock my face off. Yeah, that's right.

Yesterday church was awesome. I've been away for some time due to a plethora of reasons, and it felt SO good to be back. There are really awesome people and it was a blessing to sit under God's Word being taught. So... yay!

Earlier today I went to lunch with some friends in the great bustlin' city of Norlina. Yes, that's right- Norlina... like Nor- from North and -lina from Carolina. They claim it's where North Carolina begins... I think it may very well be the edges of the earth, but what do I know?

Other than that... Uh, I got a little misty-eyed at Herbie: Fully Loaded. Uh, yeah. Does that make me a bad person? Because I'm pretty sure it does. I know, right? Oh, but Lindsay Lohan officially has the most annoying voice ever. So scratchy and whiny. Blech.

Yeah... that's my exciting life. Puh-retty low key. Feel free to reply and inspire me :)

Thinking over the things that you said... Am I ready for forever?

2006-06-16T23:52:00.000-04:00

[Thinking Over, Dana Glover]

Sorry I've been out of it for a few days. I moved on Wednesday, and then I was having internet problems. But Mac OS X Tiger came today and I installed it and I love it!

I'm loving living alone. I walk around half dressed (and panic when someone knocks on the door, lol) and leave the door open when I go to the bathroom. It's great. I am such a bachelor- and yes, I said bachelor instead of bachelorette on purpose.

What else... hmmm... my last two days have pretty much consisted of reading and watching Harry Potter (I'm on book three and watched the first two movies), the Discovery Health channel, running errands, and talking on the phone :) That's my life in a nutshell. Hopefully I'll be inspired to write something more exciting later, but for now... happy weekend!

It's you I was thinking of

2006-06-13T23:02:00.000-04:00

[The Mixed Tape, Jacks Mannequin]

I am writing you from my beloved new iBook. Well, it's not new because they don't even make iBooks anymore :) They make MacBooks now. Anyway, I am starting to get the hang of how the whole different interface (do you call it that? I dunno) works and seriously... I think I am being converted. If I actually work next summer I think I'll try to get a MacBook.

Other than that... today I cleaned and packed and packed and cleaned. I'm probably... 75% done. I think I'll try to get my room finished up tonight. load up boxes into storage in the basement garage tomorrow morning (we have two garages... one upstairs and one in the basement... half our house is built into a hill... anyway.). Then I'll clean the basement and hopefully get to my summer home by early afternoon-ish.

It's a little frustrating because two roommates left with a TON of work left to do. But... I expected it to happen and it did, so it's not as frustrating as it could be. The other thing, though, is that next year the two that got the skimpy end of things can do the extra work. On the upside, my bathroom is sparkling! Were it my own I'd keep it that way but when you share a bathroom it's harder. It's one thing to clean up after myself, but something else entirely to clean up after someone else, too.

All righty, kids... I need to pack stuff up or else I can't go to bed (my bed's covered in stuff). Have a lovely evening / day / morning / whatever.

Eight seconds left in overtime

2006-06-12T23:05:00.000-04:00

[Over My Head (Cable Car), The Fray]

What a day. I realized today that if I weren't in TF*A then I'd almost certainly be looking for a different job so I wouldn't have to come back here next year. Here's the thing- I love my kids. Aboslutely love them. If it weren't for them then I know I wouldn't be coming back next year. But these kids are absolutely amazing and I know they need me to have their back. Here's reason #1 why I am so frustrated (amongst a sick and twisted myriad of other things):

So I had this student we'll call DJ. He was in two history classes this semester- mine and then with a man we'll call Mr. Jack... short for a colorful word you can guess at. He's normally a pretty low student. But he worked SO hard this semester and a lot of stuff overlaps between U*S and Wo*rld history, so he got his first taste of success and realized that he was rockin' it in both classes. He came to tutoring for four hours every week for the last month plus. He was so inspired that he said he wants to take A*P U*S History next year and even go on to become a history teacher.

Is that not AMAZING? That's the reason why people teach in T*FA! To have those kinds of inspirational stories is what gives us our drive.

So, today Mr. Jack told me that JD scored a really high 3 on his EOC (it's on a scale of 1-4, and schools have to get 3's and 4's to be successful in the terms of NCLB- No Child Left Behind) and actually almost scored a 4. So I told him about JD's high ambitions, and Mr. Jack had a fast- and harsh- physical reaction. Here are his nearly exact words-

"Oh, no no no no no. Nuh-uh. There's no way he'll take AP. His writing is just atrocious. Him, a teacher? It would be horrifying. I won't allow a kid like him into AP"

I LITERALLY had to bite my tongue to hold back a long string of expletives. Well, not really on the expletives part but I was so ridiculously angry. This is one of my kids he was talking about. You just don't talk about my kids that way. I wanted to just tell him exactly what I thought, but I held back, knowing he'll still likely be my superior next year and I can't afford to burn bridges. Teaching is so stinking political and I hate politics.

So that- in addition to a school filled with people that can't do their freaking jobs, or at least stay long enough to get them done- was my day at school. I came home, watched a movie, did a little packing, went skinny dipping with my roommates (oh the joy of female roomies and basically having our own lake!), and now I'm installing some stuff on my roomie's computer for her.

Oh, and they said my name's not on the list of recommended teachers for summer school. Basically, they only need one social studies teacher and the other guy that applied has seniority. Nice of them to let me know now so that I'm stuck in the Middle of Nowhere, North Freaking-Cackalacky with nothing to do for two and a half months. Ode to freaking joy.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be closer to my normally happy self. For now, I am going to go to bed and hope that I wake up less frustrated... and less tired... leave some love, huh?

It goes round and round

2006-06-11T23:55:00.000-04:00

[Sick Cycle Carousel, Lifehouse]

Hmmm.... what a weekend :) Yesterday was productive, and the game was fun (even though they lost). Then I hung out with some other second year corps members (I still can't believe I am talking about my corps when I say that...) at a place called Tyler's where we watched the 'Canes lose to Edmonton.

I had a weird experience last night... I introduced myself to someone's husband as a second year corps member. It was SO weird. I was like, "I'm a... ok, you're the first person I am saying this to and it's really awkward for me... but my name's Tami and I'm a second year." SO FLIPPING WEIRD. Everything right now feels so surreal.

Today was fun because after lying out in the sun and reading (Harry Potter... SO not evil the way I was taught to think) I went to "Blue Thursday"... aka Ruby Tuesday for dinner with Jenny and Shenay. For you west coastians (I know it's "coaster" but coastian just sounds so hot) it's basically like Red Robin... decent place, but nothing will ever replace Red Robin in my heart. I plan to eat there like 5 times when I'm home for Christmas!!

After dinner we went to a Tony's party at the home of two fellow high school teachers. It was fun because of the company, but I know essentially nothing about theater, and am totally content that way. But the majorly cool thing is that I think I am going to buy Bailey's iBook for a hundred bucks! Whoo-hoo!! I need a laptop because my *awesome* school district is "repairing" our laptops they gave us so that you can't do ANYTHING on it. I mean, you can use Open Office (a freeware of Microsoft Office, essentially) and that's about it. You can't install anything- including to repair your wireless configuration, or put on printers or the software that comes with my curriculum... nothing. It's so lame.

I am really annoyed so I am going to make sure this iBook will suffice and then tell them that the one they spent two-freaking-thousand dollars on is worthless to me and I had to go buy my own laptop. Grrr. But it looks like I'll be making the switch to Apple. If I really like it I think I'll probably get a new one either around Christmas or next summer, and actually if the one Bailey sells me works well I am going to see if one of my students is interested in buying my Dell desktop fairly cheap. Just to help them out, you know?

Ok... I have some stuff to get done before my end of year one-on-one with my T*FA supervisor tomorrow at one, so I need to actually get to school by like 8:30 which means I need to gets me some sleep! Have a lovely week, friends!

So many things that I want to say

2006-06-10T16:39:00.000-04:00

[Your Love, The Outfield]

Whew. What a day. I (mostly inadvertantly) slept through graduation. I kept going back and forth yesterday, but then I thought my alarm was set for 7:30 on weekends. It went off at 9:07, so.... it wasn't. Then I considered rushing to get there in time for the ceremony, but I know like 4 seniors and by the time I would have gotten there parking would have been insane. Plus, my duty was to seat and usher people and since I would have gotten there *barely* in time for the actual commencement it really all seemed pointless.

Jenny knocked on my door around... ok, exactly at... 9:37 to see wake me up, but I was staring at the ceiling already. She told me that Bec said my mom called. At first I was like, "Oh, ok." But then it occurred to me that it was 6:37 a.m. at home, so... yeah. I called and my mom just happened to be up early and wanted to talk since it had been a few weeks. We talked for nearly two hours. Well, she mostly talked and I mostly said, "Mmm-hmm.... Sad day... yeah... wow... oh... mmm-hmm... cool... right...". That's how talking to mi madre goes ;) Two of my roommates actually didn't realize I was on the phone because I was so quiet- that's just funny to me.

Anyway... then I organized and packed... I'm about half packed, which is happy. Now I just showered so I'm gonna finish getting ready to go down to a Bulls game in Durham to meet the Sixers (the '06 ENC - Ea*stern North Car*olina T*FA corps... I'm '05, and thus am a second year. Which is SO weird.)

Hasta luego!

School's out for the summer!

2006-06-09T22:29:00.000-04:00

[School's Out, Alice Cooper]

Yay! As you can see, I am officially done with teaching. Well, I have two work days on Monday and Tuesday, but I most likely will go all day Monday to clean up my room- which is already about 60% done- and have my end of year one-on-0ne with Erin, and then take care of the checklist they FINALLY put in our boxes this afternoon... it's aggravatingly long. I have to get all sorts of signatures for a plethora of things. Kill me now.

Tuesday I pretty much plan to just go in and get my bonus. I'll hopefully have my room clean Monday, so... yeah. I'll start packing my house stuff up tomorrow, theoretically, so I can move out Wednesday. Knowing me... I won't really get much done until Tuesday. I packed up an entire apartment in a day before I moved out here, so... meh.

Today was an awesome day with my kids. I kind of had to go hard on my first set (third period tested first, fourth period second) to get them into testing mode, but then after that it settled down. Fourth period was so sweet- they signed my yearbook (which is SO FUNNY. I've been out of high school for six years, for goodness sake) and my board, and then about 3/4 of them hugged me on the way out when the bell rang. It feels so good to be done that it hasn't really set in yet that they're not going to be in my class anymore. I secretly hope Mr. M will retire so I can go back to US History and have them again.

I am one blessed woman. Happy day :)

Un-freaking-believable

2006-06-08T08:30:00.000-04:00

My school unblocked Gmail.

I'm pinching myself to see if it's really real.

My jaw literally dropped as far as my tiny little mouth would let it.

Back to work for now... we'll see if Gmail's still unblocked later, but I am ridiculously happy at the moment.

She loves to laugh, she loves to sing

2006-06-07T21:50:00.000-04:00

[Any Way You Want It, Journey]

Today I had to make a phone call (suspending our internet for two months so that we don't have to pay $100 a month while we're gone this summer) so I went outside where my phone actually works. There's a little place next to the school at my end of the building called "T*ots'n'Tee*ns"... I am not sure how many actual teenagers take their kids there, but I know that multiple teachers do.

So I was just sitting there, on hold for 92 years, and watching the children run around the playground. They were absolutely adorable, just a bunch of kids playing some game that required constant running back and forth between the opposite sides of the fence. I love how easily amused kids are... how many adults would just run in a line back and forth for twenty minutes and think of it as fun? Like I said: adorable.

Today I came home from school and slept for three hours. It was AMAZING. Absolutely amazing. It's so hard because I have a ridiculous amount to do between now and Wednesday but I am so tired... I'm just not ready to start packing. I have until Wednesday, and I don't have a whole lot to do at school so I plan to leave early on Monday, only go in for as long as I have to on Tuesday (I at least need my bonus!), and pack as much as I can those nights. Hopefully Wednesday will pretty much entail getting up and moving.

I'm bored writing this (so sorry if you're reading it). So bored that I'd actually rather go get my work done... ouch, I know! I need to write an end of year survey. Ode to joy. But to stick with my new tradition tomorrow shall be list day. I loves me some bullet points!

Only 10 hours and 20 minutes of official student time until I'm no longer a first year teacher!

If you don't expect too much from me you might not be let down

2006-06-06T18:08:00.000-04:00

[Hey Jealousy, Gin Blossoms]

I learned a few things about myself today.

#1) If you ride my rear-end while driving and continue to do so no matter how much I speed up- even up to 20 miles an our over the speed limit- to get you off then eventually I will do an impromptu "brake check" and make you back off. Even if you give me the finger. And, to be fair, I got to learn this one twice today from two different *lovely* vehicles within the span of about 4 minutes.

#2) I can be overly sensitive sometimes.

#3) I am really, really going to miss my kids. And I'm pretty sure they're going to miss me. Story later.

#4) I'm a huge tool for not calling about credit card debt a few months ago when my bank referred me to a program to get the rates down. It's not normal to pay 30% interest, and I don't have to. Also, it feels really good to have so much in savings and to be financially sound.

#5) I love e-mail. Rather, Gmail. I already knew that, but coming home to 9 new "conversations" was rather nice.

#6) Ok, I already knew this one, too, but... I LOVE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT!!

I don't know where I'm going... but I sure know where I've been

2006-06-05T23:06:00.000-04:00

[Here I Go Again, Whitesnake]

So the general theme of what Tami can't get off of her mind this week is what, oh what, do I do with my future? Or, rather, what is the Lord's will? Excellent question, sensei (I don't know if that's spelled correctly and I am FAR too lazy to go find out).

The overarching issue is that my school is insane. Just insane. And no, not just because they blocked Gmail (but I am still majorly annoyed about that). It's just unorganized and chaotic and lent to ridiculousosity... ugh. So I am about 85% certain that unless things get MUCH better next year then I'll move... of course, I just typed a 12-year-long e-mail to Clintonius Maximus (not his real name. And if you thought for a moment that it is then you're a tool.) about my dilemma. Do I go to New England or western Washington? Oh, the possibilities.

Anyway, here's a fun story from one of my roomies. And trust me- my school's pretty much on the same plane.

***

Thursday and Friday were final exams, and on Wednesday at 2:00 the central office decided that instead of having lunch in the cafeteria with everyone together for a whole hour between morning and afternoon exams, they'd deliver bagged lunches to the classrooms and keep the kids in there in hopes of preventing another riot. (Of course, we weren't supposed to tell the kids until they finished their tests, because they were going to be pissed.) Lunch was supposed to be 11:10-12:10. So, on Thursday at 12:30, when the kids had been in my room since 8:00 taking a test and then just waiting and STILL hadn't gotten their lunches, I sent a messenger to the office to make sure they hadn't forgotten my building, since we're the "Siberia" of the school. She came back and said they were still working on getting lunches passed out, and they were going in alphabetical order by teacher's last name.

So there are the first 3 incompetencies: 1. changing the schedule the day before testing, 2. going in an order completely unrelated to the geography of the campus, and 3. (which I found out later), not making the lunches until it was time to deliver them.

Lunch was finally delivered to my room around 12:45, but it took so long to get around to everyone that we were in the same class until 1:45. I had the same students in my room for nearly 6 hours. Then we moved on to different classes for afternoon exams. This is where the really great part comes in.

School is supposed to be dismissed at 3. But the state tests (similar to Regent's exams, if you ever had to take those) are timed, so we can't control how long they take. So, around 2:00, one of my TFA friends was in the office talking to the assistant principal in charge of testing and principal about when we'd be able to dismiss the kids. The conversation went as follows:
Assistant principal: Well, it's 2:00 now, and EOC's [the state tests] take 130 minutes, so we'll get out around 3:30.
Jason: No, we'll get out around 4:10.
Assistant principal: No, Mr. D., look at your watch. We'll get out at 3:30.
Jason: OK, I'm looking, and I don't see it. We're going to get out after 4.
Assitant principal: No, look. (Points to twelve on her watch, then points all the way around the circle back to 12) 100 minutes....(continues around the circle down to the 6)...30 minutes.
Jason: Actually, from here all the way around back to the same place is 60 minutes.
Principal: (gasps) Mr. D.'s right! We WON'T get out until after 4!

Of course, Mr. D. was not quite right. We actually didn't get out until almost 4:30. Yup. Between the hours of 8 and 4:30, there were only 5 minutes during which I did not have students in my room. Way to go, skillz.

***

And Bec didn't explain that the principal's tone (or Asst. or whatever) totally said it like they were explaining it to a small child... slowly, with precise enunciation. "100 minutes... 30 minutes..."

*sigh*

So like I said, New England or western Washington?

PS I wrote the last 90 questions of my final exam today- it's totally done! I am such a freaking rock star! Bam!

Shadows searching in the night

2006-06-04T16:14:00.000-04:00

[Don't Stop Believin', Journey]

Ah, another lovely weekend (mostly) at the lake.

Bec's fam was here, so yesterday after I went to school to tutor in the wee hours of the day [read: 8:30. I am a big sissy.] I came back and swam for a few hours. It was mostly cloudy and overcast, but still warm, but the dreariness caused us to forego renting a boat. Then Bec's fam made us a delicious dinner and we sat around asking each other Trivial Pursuit questions. They're all so smart and I love smart people! I feel so snobby when I think that, but it's true so why deny it? I don't dislike people that aren't necessarily stimulated by the realm of academia, I just do enjoy those who are. Anyway, yesterday was pretty much the perfect afternoon/evening, if you ask me.

Today Bec and I made a little trip to RoRap and on the way we stopped and got *AWESOME* shirts that say, "What happens at La*ke Gasto*n stays at L*ake Gas*ton". Awesome, right? I know. We're rock stars.

After that we went to Wal-Mart, where I spent *cough sixty bucks cough* on my kids. I got all sorts of stuff to raffle off at our end of the year party that we'll have in each class on Wednesday. Just random 99 cent stuff, but I needed enough so that hopefully every kid will get something.

Now I am sitting at Starbucks and writing my final exam and talking to a good friend on IM. Josh and Riley just so happened to be here, so that's fun. Per the writing of the exam... I am only on question 6 of 100 so I suppose I should get back to that.

Happy Sunday!

It's got to be something better than in the middle

2006-06-03T00:16:00.000-04:00

[One Headlight, The Wallflowers]

My party today was so fun! I love and adore my kids. Only 8 came but it was perfect. And it totally rained outside but that, too, was perfect. I enjoyed spending time with them and their parents and everyone said what a huge blessing it was- including the parents. One mom was so sincere and said, "You know, this really means a lot to them. Thank you." So that was lovely!

My window at school is now made of cardboard that blows in and out. But they took the frame to fit it for glass so that's happy. 'Nuff said there.

So today when I gave out directions to my house (only to the select few) the boy who I am pretty sure is in love with me *blush* noticed that it had my phone number (for those who might get lost... and since I am a huge tool and said to turn left onto Eat*on Ferry road instead of right, well... you get it.). So he said to a kid, "Look B.J.- I got Ms. T*K's number." He then proceeded to do the Kip-at-the-bowling-alley-move from Napoleon Dynamite and reverse pumped his fist and went, "Yessss." This makes me laugh and want to blush all at once. He's so funny. But it's also embarassing :) But as I have said before, Dave's a really good kid and I think he's mainly just impressed that I am smart and funny (he has high appreciation for sarcasm). Plus, my kids tell me I give off a lot of natural energy. Wow... this feels like the Boasting Show and so I'm just going to move on.

Tonight after my beloveds left, I cleaned the kitchen for over an hour and made milkshakes for the roomies and Shenay. Then Bec's family and her returned from dinner so I got to spend a little time with them. I love them! They are so adopted.

Another highlight from my life as of late- most of my cousins are on MySpace. This brings great joy to my heart, especially since they're all old enough now to interact with them on some level of normalcy. I am the oldest cousin (I'm talking on my mom's side, here, PS) though only by 7 hours and 22 minutes head of my cousin Tonya. Still- I win :) I am actually in a long line of "oldest" children- my mom was firstborn, then her dad was, then his mom was, etc. I think it goes back like 8-9 generations to the first Cant*erburys to come to America. I had relatives living in California in the late 1700's- how cool is that? They were true pioneers! And my great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother was Black- I am a rock star. Clearly.

I enjoy talking about me entirely too much. The point I was making was that I've been able to reconnect with cousins and it's been great. One is graduating and heading off to college this year- NUTS! Another's in high school, and I remember when she was born. It was the day the Gulf War started- January 16, 1991. I am not sure if I remember her birthday because it's the day the war started or if I remember the day the war started because it's her birthday, but I remember both regardless. Anyway, it's cool to connect with my cousins because they're my family and I want to know them better!!

And on that note... it's time for bed :) Happy weekend!

I've just gotta get out of this prison cell; one day I'm gonna be free

2006-06-01T21:07:00.000-04:00

[Somebody to Love, Queen]

Perhaps I shall make it Thursday tradition to have bullet points. I don't know if I've ever done bullet points on a Thursday before... but it just feels right.

Today my wonderful school district blocked Gmail at school. I am SO upset. I understand blocking students from all of the random web-based e-mails, but as a teacher why can't I check my e-mail on my lunch break? This was the WORST part of my entire day... and what's coming next was puh-retty not awesome...
So the same kid that steals from me all the time in fourth period broke my window. He won't ever sit down, and today he went to open the window- which they know they're not allowed to do- and it's this old crapper that came off it's tracks so then I thought it was just not perfectly in... but NOOOOOOO. During tutoring it came crashing down and shattered all over the corner of my room. Had maintenance come when I called and said it was broken (but not yet shattered) this wouldn't have happened, but what can you do?
If I have time this weekend I'll put up a picture of the window. Because my life is awesome. I wish sarcasm had a color... I'd make that middle sentence in it.
Something else obnoxious happened today but I can't even remember what it was.
On an up note, I talked to the person who, over the last year, has become my best friend. It was nice to know that I have someone to call on these kinds of days. It was really a blessing though because I also kind of made his day because he's back home in Spokangeles and he's as lonely there as I often feel here. It was just a good feeling to know that we both bless each other. It's been a hard year because all of my best friends have found love and don't really have time for me anymore. And that's ok, because I am happy for them, but I can't lie and say it's easy to feel left behind. But the good news is that somehow a fun pal has become my best friend and it's a really good, healthy relationship. And something tells me that when we meet "the one" (we know we're not meant for one another in a romantic sense!) he won't quit having time for me. Or maybe he will, but he'll MAKE time for me. I know I will for him. But I will for all of my friends. I refuse to be one of those that falls off the face of the earth. Simply refuse.
Tuesday will be one year since I moved across the country. Goodness gracious.
I just remembered the other crappy part of my day- I was really looking forward to seeing some good friends from home who will be at Wake Forest this weekend... but no other teachers in my super-dedicated department are willing to tutor at the "E*OC - big end of cou*rse test- Jam Session" this Saturday morning, ergo, I got the heavy pressure and *get* to do it. So... that just sucks.
On the happy side... season 1 of LOST came in the mail today.
Tomorrow from 4-7 is a party for my beloved kids... only about ten or so, here at my house, to honor those who have an A and have an average of 80% (80 percent for you, Darla) on their weekly quizzes. That should be really fun. Just pray no one drowns or breaks the pool table :)
I really need to spend some quality time in the Word.
It's 87 degrees at 9:30 at night. What the heck?
I'm going to bed.

He's such a beautiful disaster

2006-05-31T20:37:00.000-04:00

[Beautiful Disaster, Kelly Clarkson]

I'm in love.

That's right, I have found him.

Ever seen The Office? You know where I am going with this one- Jim. Adore him. Absolutely. Maybe because he doesn't have perfect looks. But the man has green eyes and is 6'3" which gets major points ;)

Ok, on a more serious note, I finally got around to watching the first season of The Office and I love it. I only saw the one with the purse lady before this and I didn't really get it. But by watching the whole show I totally got it :) I think that this summer I'll buy a season pass on iTunes and download the second season. Seriously- the show is SO funny. I totally recommend it. It pushes the envelope a little, but in a funny way. I think that's how our nation tends to deal with serious issues... humor in television. Which is kind of sad... but anyway, the show's awesome!

In other huge news [read: mundane and monotonous all at once. And I'm redundant.] today I got the A/C fixed on my car, got an oil change (I'm getting good at this every 3,000 miles thing), and had my tires balanced and rotated all for free, save for the parts I had to buy myself ahead of time. Also, my brakes were inspected and given a clean bill of health. Then I went and got my yearly inspection (not something I EVER had to do in Washington state... meh on North Carolina, I say) and it was a whopping... nine dollars and ten cents! Suh-weet! Tomorrow my cigarette charger will hopefully also get fixed- the guy said it's probably just a blown fuse but he didn't have time to check it out today. So my Ac (short for Acura. Get with the program, people) is all set for summer. Happy day!

Other than that... uh... not much happening. I am going to bed in like a half hour. It will be incredible. Seriously.

I can feel your heart beat faster

2006-05-30T22:16:00.000-04:00

[Take Me Home Tonight (Be My Baby), Eddie Money]

Today I contemplated jumping off a cliff.

Ok, not really. But I did manage to magically erase my entire gradebook...

My computer crashed in the middle of saving my grades (which I do almost constantly when I am working on them). When I tried to open them, it said the file was corrupt. I got the genius idea to try and open a new gradebook and import the old grades. Only then I accidentally overwrote the corrupt file because in my frustration I clicked too many times. Despite saying "no" to saving it, when I figured out how to open the grade back-up file (which I didn't know existed, but I spent a long time trying to rescue the THREE FRIEKING THOUSAND ENTRIES) I discovered it, too, was already overwritten by the blank book.

Just remembering the frustration conjures back up the temptation [read: not really] to kill myself. Plus... last semester I meticulously wrote down every single grade and then entered it in the computer... this semester I realized that I could cut the process into about 1/3 of the time by just directly entering stuff.

And no, I didn't copy the grades from my jump drive (where they were saved) onto my laptop. I was going to after school got out and the gradebook was essentially complete. Now... I just get to hope I remember their grades and be lenient with what they can make up.

This is life hating material, kids, right here, right now. Barf.

That said, I realized earlier that I could be super angry or I could cry (or I could jump off a cliff) but really that wouldn't change things. The grades are still gone forever. So I can just suck it up, talk to each kid individually about where they were at (I know about 60 of them right off my head as far as letter grade goes, just not exact percentage, and there are about 15 where I need to figure out where they were) after I write out where I think each kid was. Good thing we have block scheduling and I have 75 kids instead of 150. Too bad that file had all of my grades from this entire year.

I will never, EVER again fail to copy my gradebook onto both my PC at home and my laptop.

Lessons learned, lessons learned.

Everyone knows I'm in over my head

2006-05-29T21:07:00.000-04:00

[Over My Head (Cable Car), The Fray]

I know this song has been my subject before, but I still love it.

Moving on... I have the sunburn of death in a strip down my back. Ode to joy, huh? That's my life. I am the whitest person ever. *sigh* This is why I very rarely spend time outside. So... today was an indoor kind of day. I watched some Arrested Development early on. Then I broke into my latest round of Netflix DVD's and I'm in the last half hour of the first season of Grey's Anatomy.

It's interesting because I wrote this show off as being purely about sex. I never watched it for that reason. But then somehow it crept onto my show list- and I am loyal to my shows. I have a few- Arrested Development, LOST, 24, and American Idol. I know that AD isn't new anymore... but, I have the first two seasons on DVD and will buy the third promptly upon its release. Anyway, about Grey's- it's a good thing I don't go looking for sex, because there's actually been very little of it on the show. I am not sure how I got the idea that it's always about sex... they talk about it, but so do those of us in my house :) It comes up in conversation from time to time.

Anyway, it's a chick show, obviously, but I like it. My favorite part is the relationship between Izzie, Meredith, and George at their house. The writers do a great job of making the three roommates and their relationships seem real. And... it's a good thing I am watching this first season because I don't dislike Meredith so much. She's less ridiculous in the first season. Plus, I understand her and "McDreamy" a little better.

That's really all I have to say about today. I cleaned a little, did laundry... that's about it. Yee-up. Big time, huh?

I'm not the jealous type who doesn't sleep at night

2006-05-28T13:12:00.000-04:00

[Air Dry, Teddy Geiger]

What a lovely weekend! Friday night I chilled, got to talk to Sho, and went to bed around one. Yesterday I woke up at 5... PM. Yah. I knew I was exhausted, but I didn't even wake up until 5 pm! I went to the bathroom around ten, and laid back down just to relax, assuming I'd get up in an hour or so. Nope. I fell back asleep. I slept for 16 hours! Goodness.

Last night we went to a big end of year bash at the boys' house. I mainly sat on the porch with Liz in rocking chairs. Talked shop about WWII with Joe for awhile... took a midnight swim... came home around 1:30 and played karaoke with Bec and Bailers. Slept from 3-10.

Now I just showered and am putting swimming clothes on to go back out on the dock with Bec, Liz, and Lisa. Liz and I are doing fun artsy projects. It's 80 degrees and GORGEOUS out there. I'm gonna finish my watercolor painting, swim, and just overall chill.

Hope you're all enjoying your Memorial Day weekend!

I am a driving rock star!!

2006-05-26T17:53:00.001-04:00

First, go read this article ranking the best to worst "driving smarts" states in the nation.

Washington (which will always be home, no matter where I live) ranked second, just barely behind Oregon by 2.4 points. There's a link within the article to the full state rankings... North Carolina, PS, came in at a lowly 32. Ouch.

But with Washington, Oregon, and Idaho coming in at 2, 1, and 4, respectively, the Northwest clearly has the smartest drivers. And Seattle was recently ranked 4th in big cities with courteous drivers.

There's also a link to go take the test. Wanna see my score? I copied and pasted the results below:

Thank you for taking the GMAC Insurance National Drivers Test. A score of 70% or better is considered passing on a state written drivers test. Based on your answers, you have the following score: 100.0
For tips to help you stay safe on the road, check out other areas of the GMAC Insurance website, as well as your state’s DMV website.

BAM!! And that was my first time- no retakes or cheating! I am an utter rock star. I amaze myself sometimes. I challenge y'all to go take it and reply with your score!

PS If you don't rock it as hard as I did, don't feel bad. I was certain I had missed a few and was rather shocked to see my score. But I also tend to overthink questions and second guess myself a lot.

PPS California ranked 14? Dirty, dirty lie. Or cover-up. Who tells dirty lies? Californians and Communists, that's who.

We come and we go

2006-05-25T10:40:00.000-04:00

[Trust Me, The Fray]

List day :)

Yay that Taylor won American Idol! Chris was my favorite, but I really couldn't stand Kat's voice. I am sure I have said that on here more than once ;) Plus, Taylor just really loves music... for him it's clearly not about the fame- just making the music he loves.
LOST... man, they have some smart writers. I don't know how they were able to answer so many questions and clean storylines up and yet leave me with even MORE intrigue and questions. That said, last night's wasn't shocking. I am curious about what will happen to Jack, Kate, and Sawyer (not to mention now John and Eko are doing), and I am obviously intrigued by the frozen Russians/woman on the phone at the end, but last season I was like, "AHHH!! I can't wait until September!! AHHHH!!".
On that note, I think I am going to buy the first season of LOST. Right now.
The first seasons of The Office and Grey's Anatomy came from Netflix yesterday. I am told by many that if I love AD (Arrested Development) then I'll quite enjoy The Office. As for Grey's, I never saw the first season. Maybe watching it will help me stop thinking that Meredith sucks.
Only 10 more "get-ups" for school left. Ya-frieking-hoo, I say ;)
I made a "Songs I Should Hate" playlist on iTunes. It's awesome. It includes pretty much any boyband song. I think the quintessential "SISH" track, however, is MMMbop by Hanson. I SHOULD hate it. But so long as I only hear it every now and then it just makes me want to smile and dance with my shoulders like all white people lacking dancing skills.
The end.

From the rising of the sun to the going down of the same...

2006-05-24T17:33:00.000-04:00

Finally, the promised pictures (as I discovered, posting photos doesn't work at school... ode to joy.)

Once again, if you want to save them, just click on them and it opens up a bigger version.

Sometimes I truly can't believe I live here. Amazing.

There are two roads to walk down, one road to choose

2006-05-23T21:26:00.000-04:00

[Thinking Over, Dana Glover]

Today we talked about Africa in my class. Not an easy topic to condense into a day, believe you me, but I was able to explain to them problems with famine, civil wars, AIDS, orphans, etc. It was really good to explain to them what AIDS is and how it works. One kid actually thought that people with HIV / AIDS drink Clorox to try and kill the disease. I explained that this would actually kill a person. Also, some kids thought that the virus dies as soon as it hits the air. I was able to explain that it can stay alive for hours afterward, and that they should NEVER handle blood without special equipment and precautions. So all of this was good.

I was also able to tell them that I will be sponsoring a child from Africa and that as soon as his information gets here I'll bring it so they can see his picture and learn about him and such. This was really exciting, because some of them thought it was a cool idea. Others think that we only ever see the worst of the situation and all it does is make them feel bad. I was reminded how crucial it is that I not only teach them about the truth of what's happening there but also that I empower them to help. Sponsoring a child is one example that shows them that normal people can make a difference.

Tonight I enjoyed watching American Idol with Bec and Liz. It was really fun to not watch it by myself for once- and Becca agreed with me that Kat does not have an incredible voice. When people say they love her voice I think to myself, "Do they actually hear her sing?". She seems like a nice person, and I hope her all the best, but I still do not think she should win AI. Taylor also wasn't amazing tonight, but I do think he's the better singer of the two. Also, I really appreciate that he's unique. There's no one out there right now that's like him. That could make or break him... he might be too different. But I see him appealing to more than just the tween crowd. I can see my mom buying his CD. I can't really see any mom buying Kat's CD unless they're like the mom on Mean Girls- just trying- in an absolutely disgusting way, ps- to impress her daughter. Anyway... tomorrow I'll actually watch LOST and then flip back and forth to Idol to see who wins.

Lastly, I know that like 98% of my pictures are of sunsets, but the sky was ON FIRE tonight. It was literally breathtaking. I ran- ran, I say- out to take pictures once I noticed it. Then, when I was putting pics on my comp so I could post them here for you guys I realized that I took a few equally amazing pics last weekend, only they're more purple than red. So I'll get to that soon enough (the posting, that is).

Random note: Did you know that there are only four commonly used words in the English language that don't have any rhyming words and three are colors? They are: orange, purple, silver, and month. Interesting. I told you this entry would be stupendous.

Pictures now. Don't forget that you can click on them to get a bigger version.

...

Ok, nevermind. Our flippin' $103 a month internet is FREAKING RETARDED and won't load the pictures. I'll try to load them at school tomorrow, though my school blogs all jpg/gif/png files, so we'll see if it will work.

Lame.

2006-05-22T23:36:00.000-04:00

Did I really never update today? Man, I suck. Tomorrow's shall be stupendous, I'm sure.

Interesting that stupendous is a synonym with words like incredible, awesome, and fantastic yet it sounds so much like stupid.

I miss my home and it feels like I'm a million miles away

2006-05-21T21:11:00.000-04:00

[San Angelo, Third Day]

I had a wonderful weekend. Friday after school Jenny and I took a trip to RoRap. We went out to dinner (may I just recommend the fried chicken salad at Applebee's right here? Well, I just did, so...), tried unsuccessfully to print some pictures off of her digi cam at Wal-Mart, and picked up some other random items (like workout clothes for me). Then we came home and watched Guess Who. Ashton Kutcher is, in my opinion, the most aesthetically beautiful man on earth. Don't worry, I am not trying to give Demi any competition- I just think he's the epitome of physical beauty in a man :) No lust there, just admission of his attractiveness.

Friday night I turned my alarm off so that I could just sleep until I woke up on my own, so yesterday I got up around 11. GUH-LORIOUS! Then... uh... I am not sure exactly what I did all day. I wrote the message for Nick to take to Jamie's memorial service that I posted (it's in the previous entry) and that actually made my heart heavy for most of the day. I also watched American History X... what an amazing movie. Though, I have to say... I don't think people with hatred rooted that deep just give it up in the course of 3-4 hours. But a good movie nonetheless. After that I finally showered (I know, right?) and Bec, Jenny, and I went to see The Sound of Music at Lakeland. A fellow teacher from my high school was Maria, and she was amazing. And, actually, a student (not one of mine) from school played Rolf, plus a few kids from church were in it as well. I was impressed at the quality of the show, considering the area and resources and such. After that I pretty much just watched SNL and went to bed.

Today I accidentally slept through church. I never turned my alarm back on, so it didn't go off, and I woke up at noon. Oops. But other than that it was a perfect day. I went out and swam for a little while, then laid in the sun for a little while (and by that I mean like 15 minutes... I am FAR too white to be in the sun for much longer than that. If I don't marry a man with some better pigment than mine then I will pretty much have to raise my children in the basement. I get sunburned just thinking about the sun.) After that I partook in a little Arrested Development... I LOVE that show. Seriously. It's just so funny all the time. I got a bit of work done and now I am getting myself mentally prepared for bed, though I've only been awake for 11 hours so I'm not really tired. Meh.

So... uneventful weekend. Uneventful post. But I feel rested and content. Hard to believe there are only two more weekends until school's out. Goodness. Where does time go? Honestly. But it's been a lovely weekend. Peaceful and calm. So that's nice.

PS Hope you all like the new theme. I was tired of my eyes having such a hard time adjusting to the white-on-black of my old one. Plus, the colors were sort of depressing. And... the main reason is that at the top my header wrapped around weird and I didn't like the way that looked. This is better. Hopefully I'll leave it for awhile, right? There's always hope ;)

And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter

2006-05-20T14:29:00.000-04:00

[Live Like You Were Dying, Tim McGraw]

I sent this to my friend Nick. If the Lord leads then He will read it at Jamie's memorial service Monday. I share it with you in honor of her memory.

I first met Jamie through Generation Christ in the summer of 2000. I remember thinking she seemed like a sweet girl, never expecting that she'd end up one of my better friends. That fall I was in my freshman year at Whitworth, and one weekend I was in downtown Spokane volunteering at the local food bank when she came up and asked me if we knew each other from somewhere. In the end, Jamie and I ended up exchanging phone numbers and promising to call each other sometime.

She, of course, called me first because she was always great about that kind of stuff- calling friends, keeping in touch, and letting people know how much they meant to her... that remains in my heart her greatest quality. Her ability to love freely and without hesitation. We ended up becoming very close throughout our freshman and sophomore years of college. She transferred from Gonzaga to Whitworth mainly because of the large quantities of time she spent with me on Whitworth's campus, where she found a much more Christ-centered atmosphere. One of my favorite memories of Jamie is when we decided that everytime she cussed she'd pay me a dollar, and everytime I started to talk about a boy that we both knew wasn't God's best for me then I had to pay her a dollar. I remain quite certain that money never actually passed hands, but the heart of the matter is that the Lord united us because we were two young women seeking His face.

By junior year we began to grow apart- I was extremely busy with both my church and campus leadership, and she had decided to move back home for awhile. We mostly lost touch up until a few months ago when Christ laid it on my heart to call her. She told me how great she was doing- how the Lord had brought her through a dark depression, and that she was so happy for the first time in a long time. She loved her classes at Central, had amazing friends, a renewed walk with God, and was in a great relationship with the love of her life, JJ.

My last e-mail from her was typical Jamie- joyful and sweet. As always, she made sure that I knew how much I meant to her. I learned so much from her about how to shed the chains of protection that normally guard my frail heart- to be vulnerable and never afraid to tell people how much they mean to me.

This morning I thought about relationships, and the way my precious Lord has carefully woven the tapestry that is my life. It is no coincidence that I bumped into a random Gonzaga student at the food bank six years ago. God intended to use Jamie in my life for a purpose. He gave me the awesome privilege of knowing her, and being able to love and be loved by her. Her threads in my life's tapestry are vibrant, bold, and beautiful. It breaks my heart that her threads in my life ended so soon, but I am all the more blessed because they are present.

Losing her has reminded me that life is a precious gift. I have no assurance of tomorrow, no promise that this won't be my last day before Christ calls me home to Him. I praise God that Jamie is in His presence in Heaven. I also pray that, per Jamie's example, I would embrace every day- never hesitating to tell others that I love them. Until that day when I, too, am in the presence of the Lord, I pray that I would live with no regrets.

And Jamie- I love you. You mean- not meant, but mean- so much to me. I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.

I'm on the right side with you

2006-05-19T10:20:00.000-04:00

[Another Kind of Green, John Mayer Trio]

Per his latest blog entry, and pretty much everything else about him, I'm pretty sure John Mayer is my soulmate. I mean, the man can sing, he's hilarious, he's over 6' tall, and he has my birthday. Except he was born in the 70's. He loses a few points there- 80's babies are rock stars, pure and simple. But... I'm pretty sure that Jesus Christ is not the passion of his life, ergo... I shall remain patient.

So today I realized that school gets out in 15 days. Well, 14.5 now. And really, the last two are half days, so even less than that. Goodness. But that realization helped me to kind of reflect on the fact that so much has changed in the last year. I'll write "A Year in the Life" at some point, going over the last year since I moved away from Spokangeles, but for now suffice it to say that I realized that for perhaps the first time I am content. I enjoy where I am at. I need not constantly try to figure out what's around the next corner- things will come as they will.

I would still love if God told me to move to the Seattle area (come on- it's the smartest city in the country- highest number of graduate and doctorate degrees per capita- and it ranked 4th on the list of the nation's most courteous drivers. Which, actually, is kind of sad- those other cities must really suck because driving in Seatown isn't my favorite activity. I-5 is like a death wish during rush hour.) and I would love to just be back in Washington. That said, I do still enjoy Boston, and Brendon is trying to convince me that the greater Portland metro area is calling my name :)

But... in December if you told me that I would absolutely love exactly where I am at in life by May- particularly where I live- I might have rolled my eyes. But now I do. I know that wherever I go, so long as I go with my God, I will love it. Jamie's death this week really caused me to step back and evaluate life. I want to live with no regrets. Tomorrow is not an assurance. I want to redeem the time, walking circumspectly- not as a fool would, but in wisdom. So I can rest in God's plan and know that no matter where I am, so long as I seek His face, it will be His best for me.

So seek His face I shall.

Happy Friday... you all are rock stars. Of the highest quality. If your friendships were records you'd all be multi-platinum!

All the Heavens cannot hold You in

2006-05-18T10:02:00.000-04:00

[All the Heavens, Third Day]

It's amazing how loss makes you so much more grateful for what you do have.

I needed to print some pictures off of my digital camera to put on the Wall of Fame (for students that get 80% or above on their weekly quizzes), and I came across some pictures from my house from about a month ago that I forgot about.

This one's my favorite:

I have rock star friends.

In other news, my favorite pants are falling off.

The good news is my favorite pants are falling off.

The bad news is my favorite pants are falling off.

You win some, you lose some I guess.

I still thought about Jamie a lot today. But the Lord has been continually gracious to me, and He has ministered to my heart. All I go through is for the purpose of leading me to Him, and I pray that I will continue to respond accordingly.

Broken Inside

2006-05-17T20:17:00.000-04:00

[I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real]

Today I received word that Jamie went home to the Lord last night around midnight.

To those who have been praying, thank you. Please continue to pray for her fiance (JJ), her family, and her friends.

A fellow teacher covered my fourth block so that I could come home. On the drive home I had a wonderful conversation with a friend that knew Jamie as well; he was there last night when she passed.

I decided to watch a movie and get my mind off of things... for some ridiculous reason I chose The Butterfly Effect. Watching the director's cut of that movie when you just lost a friend is a horrible idea.

But... in a way it was a small miracle, I suppose, because somehow the floodgates were able to open. I sometimes worry about myself because I don't cry easily... I just hold it in and feel nothing. Movies and hearing about other people's pain both make me cry fairly easily, but my life just... doesn't. But today, the tears flowed. I thought I had said good-bye yesterday, and thought I was at peace with everything. But for whatever reason I just began to cry. And cry. And cry.

I can't explain it. I'm not angry at God. I really do feel such peace about Jamie. I know she's in the Lord's presence, and I agree with Paul, in that I am well pleased to know Jamie's absence from her body means her spirit is in God's presence, per II Corinthians 5:8. But still... it hurts. I just hurts. So I went out by the water and cried.

The tears, the wind, the water, the sun, and the occasional bird reminded me that life is a gift. A precious gift. Jamie was only 23. We can never assume we have tomorrow. I am reminded of a wonderful song by Joy Williams called Every Moment. I want to share the lyrics here.

We laughed out loud ‘til we cried
And the tears were sweet
Midnight melted to morning
A moment faded to memory
All these days
They just slip away through our fingers
So…

CHORUS
Don’t let go
Hold onto every moment
Always know
Hold onto every moment that You can

We move on with no regrets to our destiny
Held by the hands of the Father
We share His love and He leads us through
All these days
They just slip away through our fingers
So…

CHORUS

Running through yesterday into tomorrow
Don’t let it just drift away
Forget about tying the hands of time
Give every minute to the One who gave us today

CHORUS

I recommend you go buy it- iTunes or what have you. I only hope that I would continually remember to live out its message.

I know now You're my only hope

2006-05-17T09:18:00.000-04:00

[Only Hope, Switchfoot]

Today and tomorrow we're watching Schindler's List. It's heavy. Thus far I am impressed with my kids' level of understanding and compassion. I'm planning to do current world issues next week, so this is a good warm-up because next week's stuff is pretty heavy as well.

On the agenda are AIDS, poverty, civil wars, child prostitution, and a short documentary-type film called The Shadow of Hate, which chronicles the history of racism and bigotry in the United States.

I think my kids are ready to tackle these issues. I refuse to let them get to college, as I did, not knowing that Japanese Americans were sent to internment camps, that the Holocaust affected more than just Jews, or that genocides occurred in Rwanda, Albania, Cambodia, etc. We'll also talk about Vietnam, because I knew nothing about it other than that a lot of vets were messed up mentally as a result of fighting there, including my step-grandfather.

Part of next week will, hopefully, include showing them a video of a boy named Eric from Uganda. D from ICN asked me if I'd like to sponsor a child from Uganda, and I do, so even though I can't do my project with these kids I can tell them that I'll have a child by the time they come back next year and they are more than welcome to come by and see any letters and such I get from him/her. I am really excited about it! I just have to be patient and wait for Eric's DVD to get here. I really want to empower my students to do their part in helping out the world around them.

Also, no word on Jamie yet. When I hear I'll let you guys know.

On fire, burning up, in these mysteries...

2006-05-16T21:42:00.000-04:00

... You're a mystery

[On Fire, Switchfoot]

This is, quite possibly, one of the best songs ever written.

I received an e-mail a couple of hours ago telling me that my friend Jamie is not expected to live through the night.

The friend gave me his phone number in the e-mail and I went out to the dock to call him. After we hung up I just stood there for awhile, watching the sunset. The air was still, and the water gently rippled, reflecting the pinks, purples, and oranges of the setting sun. And I kept standing there, on the upper deck, leaning over the edge, gazing out. Just... alive.

When Nick's e-mail came, iTunes had chosen to play Consuming Fire by Third Day.

Our God- He is a consuming fire and the flames burn down deep in my soul.
Yes, our God, He is a consuming fire and He reaches inside
and He melts down this cold heart of stone.

I thought of how, after a decision on my part my junior year of college to put some necessary space into an unhealthy relationship, I kind of lost touch with Jamie. I never stopped caring, but I created some healthy distance that ended up causing us to lose touch. Then, after two and a half years, I felt prompted to give her a call a couple of months ago.

Since then we've talked a little in quick e-mails. She included me on her list of close friends that she let know about her engagement on Cinco de Mayo. I still have an e-mail in my inbox that I haven't archived yet because I need... needed... to reply.

When a friend first told me Saturday that she was in the hospital, I never assumed it was this serious. I envisioned her surrounded by friends and family, nervously laughing about how extreme her latest "weird feeling" was (that's what she called the mini-seizures she would sometimes have). Not essentially comatose and covered in wires and tubes... it all seems like something from a movie.

So I stood on the dock, grateful that God encouraged me to pick up the phone (or flip open the cell, I suppose) and call. I am thankful that I chose to obey, and though it's selfish, I feel a peace about not having to live with the regret of always wishing I had called when God prompted. I praised Him for preparing me this morning in His word to trust Him, to rest in His mysteries.

There were some tears. I'm not really one to cry extensively, so they were quiet and simply slipped off my cheeks and into the lake. I thought about when she and I were close- we spent time together almost every day in the fall of our Freshman year of college. She actually transferred to Whitworth as a result of spending so much time there wtih me.

I thought of those days when she had to pay me a dollar everytime she cussed. I had to pay her a dollar everytime I started to talk about the guy from her hometown that I was making myself get over. I smiled thinking of our drives to Seattle, singing at the top of our lungs in her little silver Mazda Protege. Those trips home with her caused me to begin to fall in love with the landscape and climate of western Washington.

I recalled the awkwardness of getting frustrated with her, and basically calling her dumb because she got lost coming to my dorm for like the 20th time on a trip that included- literally- four turns. That's when she told me about her childhood bike accident that caused severe brain trauma. She never felt "normal" after that, struggling to remember simple things, having to study ten times as much as she had before the accident, and occasionally having "weird feelings", or mini-seizures that tended to last anywhere from a few seconds to a minute or two.

Most of all, though, I rejoiced for her. Nick said almost exactly the conclusion I came to about loving and losing someone. If indeed she never wakes up, and there is no tomorrow on Earth for her, she was deliriously happy for the last week. She was so in love with JJ. I only hope he can embrace that. Her last days were filled with love and joy, mostly because of him. He allowed her to finally feel normal.

And then I envied her. She has a relationship with Jesus Christ, and I don't doubt for one second that she is going home to Him.

I'm listening to Take this Life by one of my favorite Christian artists, Shawn McDonald, and it's making me feel emotional again. But it's precious, because whenever that moment comes that Jamie does pass from this world to the Spirit world- no matter when God's timing is- I know that she will be whole- never again to go through the darkness of depression, no more struggling with her frustration at not being able to remember things, not one more weird feeling. Just completion in Christ.

It still all seems so surreal. We're still so young. Just kids in so many ways.

I choose to rest in the supremacy of God. Of course He's not safe- but He's good.

This one's for you, Jamie.

All I go through- it leads me to You

2006-05-16T10:12:00.000-04:00

[I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real]

I had the most amazing quiet time today. I've had a lot on my mind, much of it heavy. Not all bed, per se, but heavy. I haven't heard in a couple of days how she's doing, but last word on Jamie was that her brain was still seizing two days after the big episode, so she was being sedated, amongst other serious medical problems resulting from her seizures. I'm also concerned about the choices of a close friend of mine and it hurts to see him do this, yet I can't make his choices. Two of my better TF*A friends are basically going through a break-up, and my heart is heavy for them. I talked to my mamacita (not my mother, but basically my second mom) yesterday and she had good news about how God is working in her, which is a huge praise, but even though it's happy news it's still rolling around my mind. Then there's the realization that my first year in Tea*ch for Am*erica is nearly done, and though I feel like I have forever I need to really start praying about God's intentions for me after my two year commitment to T*FA. More on that later. There are other things, too, like my students, ICN, etc. I just feel like I have a lot going on in my mind right now.

So, for whatever reason, today I really felt led to read about trust in my quiet time. I tend to prefer to read through a book (or more than one) as opposed to topical studies, but today I just felt like I needed to lay my heart open before God and ask Him to increase my trust in Him. I found this verse in Romans 15:13, NIV:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I tend to prefer either the New American Standard, the New Living Translation, or the New King James Version to the NIV, but that just happens to be the Bible I had with me (I keep them all over the place, lol- in my car, at school, on my desk in my room, next to the place I usually sit in the den, etc.) and I like the way the NIV said it best.

I pray that I would trust God, and not rely on my own understanding of things. He truly is faithful to me. My favorite line in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is when the Pevensie children are told that Aslan (who represents Christ/God) is not a tame lion. Lucy then asks if he's safe, to which Mr. Beaver replies, "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he's not safe. But he's good." C.S. Lewis exeplified a stroke of genius here, because he was right on.

No, God is not safe. He doesn't keep us in little ticky tacky houses and give us perfect utopian lives. We experience pain, disappointment, suffering, loss, and even- at times- despair. But, this reminds me of my favorite line from The Two Towers where the sentiment is that Helm's Deep will fall, and all hope has been lost. Aragorn, in a line perfectly delivered by Viggo Mortensen, says with conviction to a young boy, "There is always hope."

I pray that as I seek to trust God with all of the situations on my mind- including, in particular, Jamie and God's future plans for me- that I would not just get through but that I would overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. It was really powerful in my quiet time because I had just read John 14&15 where Jesus promised that One just like Him would come after He was gone. To think that One just like Christ lives in me is overwhelming. It really puts things in perspective.

There is always hope.

Jamie knows Christ, as does her fiance (he proposed exactly one week before her seizure last Friday). No matter what happens, I can trust that God has a perfect plan for her. Even if His choice is painful for me, I know that He's good. I have been praying extensively for her mom, whom I don't believe knows the Lord. I pray that she would respond to God in this time. I pray that Jamie's friends- and church- would, as Esther, recognize that they can respond in such a time as this to reach out to Jamie's mother. I trust that God is good.

As for my future, speaking of LOTR earlier, I wouldn't mind a palandir so that I could look and see what is to come. I suppose that's part of why if I were a hobbit, I'd be Pip. I told myself I would stay here for 5 years. I never actually asked God His opinion- it just made sense to me. Long enough, I thought, to really make a difference in an impoverished area and also to help me get as out of debt as quickly as possible. I want to be free to spend money on things other than student loans and such.

Recently it has occurred to me that rural NC is not the only place with Title I schools. I began to realize last fall that I'd really enjoy living near Seattle (and no, not JUST because of the Seahawks and Mariners... but those are both a big plus :) )or Boston (and... yes, mainly because of the Red Sox and Patriots :) ). Then, once I felt that God was saying to go home for Christmas this year (only 7 months!) I felt excitement and joy that I haven't in a long time. It's not that I am unhappy here- I love where I am right now in life- but I just miss home sometimes. Just the fact that Washington is as much "home" to me now as it was before I left speaks volumes.

I was explaining to Becca last night that, though I've lived here for nearly a year- and until the last month or so had reconciled to myself that I'd stay here for five- I still think in terms of Pacific time. When I researched plane tickets I found myself adding three hours to figure out the east coast times, as opposed to subtracting three from what's supposed to be "my" time now. I watch Grey's Anatomy and my favorite parts of the show are always when they pan over Seattle's skyline. I've known for a long time that I don't believe I'll ever live in Spokane again, but I do feel drawn to the suburbs outside of Seattle, preferably within an hour and a half of the city... which is most of the Puget Sound :) Another draw is that I've been able to reconnect with people I'll call D & J of ICN (International Children's Network) and they are really excited to work with me... I told them in my last e-mail that I don't know God's plans for me but they're more than welcome to recruit me and twist my arm to come back home and help them out after TF*A.

Of course, one thing that I always come back to is that I can't fully plan ahead. I am single, with no love interests in my life. God could plan to have me meet him next week, which would most likely interrupt any carefully made plans that I may make. Or not. This is where a palandir would really be handy. So I know that I can't exactly plan out tomorrow. But I am praying and seeking God's face for what He wants for me. Plus, I am still here for at least one more year and I will press on to the finish line, no matter what God has next for me. I just want to be in the center of His will.

Of course He's not safe. But He's good.

All that you need will surely come

2006-05-15T17:27:00.000-04:00

[Truly Madly Deeply, Cascada]

Per my promise (particularly for those who replied) here are my thoughts on the whole loving and losing love situation.

Have you ever seen the What Hurts the Most video by Rascal Flatts? That's what I am scared of feeling, that devastation. Losing the love of your life (they're teens, but you know) affects so many aspects. The time you spent with him, the way you relate to your friends, the way you see the places you were together so differently once he's no longer there... it all just seems so painful. To look at your future, where you always saw him, and now it just seems... empty.

I felt that way at first when I started thinking about all of this. How much I'd hurt, how I could try to live on and love, how I could pick up the pieces, how I could try to let the Lord heal me. Then it hit me that there's just way too much "I" in all of that.

A while back a friend and I were talking about relationships. I've changed a lot since my "Notice me- love me- validate me" years. I have determined that I don't want to waste a second on a guy unless he's "the one". I just don't want to let anyone even remotely close to my heart unless he's the man God has prepared for me- and prepared me for. I remember when I was a teenager, and I had this vision of sorts (maybe you remember this, Darla; it was actually on our trip back from Camp Utmost). I imagined that the Lord took all of my emotions and thoughts and love (and physical purity) that females normally spend on a man (or boys) and He put them in a heart shaped box, and locked it. He then held onto the key. I understood that only the man to whom Christ gives the key to my heart will unlock all of those things.

Since then I've tried to put my heart out there once or twice. Well, twice actually. I tried to be like, "Look!! I'm pretty sure you have the key!!" But the Lord was faithful to guard my heart and kept those two guys a safe distance away.

I remain convinced that one man will one day have access to all of the love I have in me. I am a treasure. I am to be honored and loved. I spent so much time trying to get those guys to fall in love with me, but I only want one man to ever have any of my energies focused on him that way again, and I will marry him. It's absolutely crucial that this man pursues me- that he's absolutely amazed that a woman like me exists. That he's not sure how his life was complete before he found me. I'm not saying that I think I am the most incredible woman in the world, but my man will. I feel really weird saying all of that, but I know it's true.

So, that said, I realized something- the man I am in love with will be so happy that he found me, and feel so blessed that God intended me for him. He'll have insurmountable happiness. Together we'll be able to serve our Christ in a way that we could not when we were single. The Lord will use us. And if for any reason God's will is for my "one" to die young, then even though I will hurt in the ensuing years, I'll always know that he died after living a life of joy and filled with blessings because I was in it.

That's my conclusion- it's not about me. When that incredibly, wonderful man that my God intends to unite me with comes into my life, I need to love him fiercely and never take a moment for granted, dying to myself and putting him first, whether we have five years or fifty to spend together.

I don't know what it feels like to be in love, but I still think Alfred Lord Tennyson got it right when he said:

Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

That's really all I have to say about that. Reply at will.

I think of the things that I wish I had said when you were still around

2006-05-15T11:11:00.000-04:00

[When the Lights Go Down, Faith Hill]

Well, thankfully the fire alarm only went off once :) And... it's 3p.m. which means Monday's all but over! Which means... only 18 days left. Man. I can hardly believe it.

About the fire alarm- so, I am pretty sure some kid decided to pull it so that class (which starts at 8) would be "pushed back". After we'd been back for about 10 minutes, the receptionist came over the intercom and said, "Please be reminded that they are working on the fire alarms today, so do not leave if the alarms go off." [Click... and then buzz...] "Please do not leave if the alarms go off unless we tell you to."

Let's just tear this one apart, shall we?

Please be reminded...

Uh, reminded? Did I miss that memo? Apparently.

...that they...

They, huh? See, it seems to me that if someone were actually here working on the fire alarms we could come up with something a little more concrete than "they". Like... "there are workers here working on the fire alarms". Something super-specific, ya know?

...are working on the fire alarms today...

Funny, because last time some punk kid(s) pulled the fire alarm three times in one day it was suddenly announced that our belovedly illusive "they" were here "working" on the fire alarms. So when it went off at 7:56, might this have been a preemptive strike against wannabes and copycats? Seems mighty coincidental... call me a conspiracy theorist, if you must.

...so do not leave if the alarms go off.

Oh, really? Well that's great. Because if there's a real fire, we should all just risk burning alive. I mean, I hate wasting class time- a very colorful sign at the front of my room proclaims "NOT A MOMENT TO WASTE"- but I also tend to value my life, and the lives of my students. Just a little, you know?

Click out. The end.

Oh, the lovely nerves-on-a-cheese-grater buzz before every announcement... wait for it...

Please do not leave if the alarms go off unless we tell you to.

Well, redemption has been found then, huh? I mean, it's cool. Lets just sit around as the fire alarms scream and sniff for smoke as we continue on with the lesson, because the students are SO able to pay attention. Plus, at the rate important information actually gets to teachers at my school, I'm SURE they'd let us know there was an actual fire before our lives were in mortal danger. Just like they always let us know ahead of time then there are mandatory meetings and stuff. Except for they don't. So nevermind about that.

Just another manic Monday...

2006-05-15T08:02:00.000-04:00

[Manic Monday, Bangles]

The fire alarm went off at 7:56 a.m. here at my lovely and wonderful school.

So that's how it's going to be, huh?

Hello Monday.

In only a moment truth was seen

2006-05-14T14:08:00.000-04:00

[This Man, Jeremy Camp]

Watching Good Will Hunting has had something consistently on my mind. I was thinking, for whatever reason, about the possibility of meeting my soulmate and then losing him (i.e. him dying) while we're both still young.

There's a part where Will (Matt Damon) asks Sean (Robin Williams), basically, if he regrets meeting his wife. For anyone who hasn't seen the movie, Sean was deeply in love with his wife and losing her to cancer all but ruined him.

So I started thinking about the idea. What if I met my match, "the one", if you will, next week. We could have 3-5 wonderful, gloriously happy years together. That's long enough to be settled into our lives together, but young enough that we still feel like our entire lives are ahead of us. Then, in a tragic accident, he would die and be gone just like that.

If I, today, knew that's what would happen, would I still choose to meet him? Assuming that once I chose yes, I'd forget all about what would happen- obviously I wouldn't want to live for 5 years knowing he'd die soon. But from where I stand now, would I choose 3-5 years of insurmountable happiness only to have it all ripped from me and devastate me?

I have no idea who I'll marry, but I have no doubt that he's absolutely amazing. The kind of guy that everyone else is just like, "Where did you find him?", and, "I didn't know guys like this existed!!". I'm not saying I think I deserve someone like that. I just know he's that way. Sometimes you just know things, and this is one of those things that I just know.

Could my heart handle the excruciating pain of knowing him- loving him, being loved by him- and then losing him? Wouldn't it just be easier to just never know him? But then would it be worth it to live having never known the true love that he and I would have had?

I seriously can't stop thinking about this. I am not sure why it's so heavy on my heart. Maybe in part because of Jamie and JJ. I haven't heard any more word on how she's doing, and that's been weighing on me ever since yesterday afternoon. And maybe in part because I've never been in love and on some level it scares me to death to be that connected to someone. What if I finally find him- the only man I will have ever kissed, ever said "I love you" to, ever really known, ever given my heart to, ever loved and been loved by- and then I lose him? Like Elisabeth Elliot- she and Jim waited a LONG time to finally be together, and then with the throwing of a spear he was gone. Am I as strong as her to rely on Christ to survive- and even thrive- after that?

What about you guys? What do you think? I have an idea, but I am curious what you all have to say. For yourselves, I mean. And for me, I suppose. Most of you that read my blog loyally are either already falling in love with your "one", or you're already married to him/her. I would like your thoughts on the subject. You can reply here or e-mail me.

I've been waiting for a chance to let you in

2006-05-13T21:32:00.000-04:00

[Breathe, Michelle Branch]

I am SO glad I stayed home. I got first and third period's grades done (only one class left, and it'll take like 10 minutes, tops). I watched the first three hours of Band of Brothers and am going to start the fourth in a coupla minutes. Then I went upstairs and worked out for an hour and a half (DDR- Dance Dance Revolution- 'tis the way to go! I burned over 600 calories and had such great fun doing it ;) Seriously, someone should pay me for these shameless endorsements).

Post workout I was as sweaty as... someone who's really sweaty. So I took a nice, long, cool shower. Then I plucked my eyebrows- and we all know that plucking my eyebrows always makes me feel better about life :) I swear that my brain releases endorphins when I take a tweezer to the brow area of my face.

Pluckin' the eyebrows allowed me to be reminded how incredibly boring my eye color is. Seriously- there is not a more dull shade of brown out there. But, such is life. Van Morrison sang about his brown-eyed girl, so there's some level of redemption. Staring at my eye area in the mirror for 10 minutes was just a reminder that my eyes are boring. Well, the color at least.

Why am I wring about such lameness? I am a tool. That said, I need to get back to BoB (which, in acronym form, totally makes me want to watch What About Bob? except that's WAB? in acronym form. So nevermind.) and finish my last bit of grade entering. If I were a rock star I'd get some lesson plans done, but... there's always tomorrow. So long as I don't die tonight and/or Jesus doesn't come back. Both of which are totally possible, but maybe not probable. Though I suppose Jesus wouldn't be coming back- He'd be on the clouds and the rapture would occur but the whole returning to Earth thing wouldn't happen until seven years of tribulation took place. So nevermind about that, too.

I just realized that I haven't eaten anything since like 1 pm. Oops. But after all that working out there's NO WAY I am eating ANYTHING! Plus, it's 9:40 which means it's past my 7pm rule. Even though it's only 6:40 pm Pacific time which will always be the true time in my heart... why am I SO RANDOM tonight? Goodness. This is where any of my roommates would say, "What are we going to do with you, Tami?".

On a serious note- I'll stop being such a tool- a good friend of mine from college had a pretty serious seizure and, last I heard, is in critical condition. Please pray for her- she just got engaged a week ago, so pray for her fiance as well. Her name is Jamie, and his is JJ. I've been praying for them all day, and it would mean a lot to me if you lift them up to the Lord as well.

Stay- right here in the light- so that you won't walk away

2006-05-13T15:38:00.000-04:00

[Stay, Jeremy Camp]

In case you're wondering, yes, those lyrics from the Jeremy Camp song in my title are where I got the name of my blog. When I started my first blog- nearly two years ago- I couldn't get the lyrics out of my head because they captured my heart.

Switching gears...

When I was in Boston for Spring Break last month, some of the natives I spent time with were shocked to hear that I was such a fan of the city (and the local sports teams :) ) yet had never seen Good Will Hunting. So I Netflixed it and I just watched it. As everyone promised, I loved it. On every level. The acting, the city (I have much love for Boston), the personal drama, the opening up of someone with a haunting past, the moving descriptions of true love- all of the above were amazing. I will buy this movie. The language was a little edgy, but it's kind of like how I feel about war movies- the language was real, just like the language in war movies is real.
Plus, because I am a female, at the end when he says [SPOILER HERE, so if you've never seen it but plan to then skip the next few lines] "I had to go see about a girl" put a smile on my face- and a little flutter in my heart; I'm a sap, so what?- (which was good, because when his buddies went to his empty house I totally saw it coming but it still made me cry). I can really relate to the Will character. My life wasn't quite as bad as a child and I'm certainly no genius anywhere near his level, but I can relate to being the hurting and messed up kid with talent and potential who needs to get out. Only, in my life Christ healed the past.

So... I am supposed to go to this big formal end-of-year shindig tonight in Raleigh, but I think I am going to stay home. I am sure 52 TF*A'ers are going to be like, "Where were you? We missed you!" and I'll feel a little bad, but I feel like I haven't had a day to myself in 98 years. Which is rough, since I am only 24. And a half.

The agenda, then, includes getting my grades done (I usually have them done every Friday so I can give out progress reports every Monday, but yesterday I forgot my jump drive at home, which is what I keep my grades on. I actually only have to enter them since everything's corrected.) and watching all ten hours of Band of Brothers. I plan to show some clips to my kids so I want to pick out the best ones. I own the set, so if I don't finish it all today I can watch the rest tomorrow.

That's me. Happy Saturday :)

When you feel the world is crashing all around your feet...

2006-05-12T18:07:00.000-04:00

... come running headlong into my arms, breathless

[Breathless, Better than Ezra]

My heart is beating SO fast right now.

We won our softball game- 16-1 in only three innings. It's 75 and sunny- perfect driving with the windows down / sunroof open weather. Plus, my AC doesn't work, remember? But I was driving... a little fast. You know, 65 in a 55. Nothing crazy.

So there's a lumber mill-esque place just after you turn off of 158 and there's always lots of debris in the road. So I saw one piece in particular in the middle and made a mental note to not hit it. Only then I realized that it was MOVING. It was a FREAKING SNAKE! And I realized I was going to hit it, and then I had this horrible vision of my front driver's side tire flinging it up through my window so it could sink its fangs into the juicy flesh of my neck. (Not realistic at ALL, I know, but this all happened in the span of like 1/1000 of a second). I screamed from the bottom of my stomach- seriously- the muscles at the bottom of my abodomen were clenched, I screamed so hard.

So then, like a mile before the turn onto Happ*y Va*lley (the road that leads to my subdivision, Ri*ver For*est) there's a road called Ep*worth that provides a shortcut we always take when we're going to Little*ton. I know it can be a little hard to see if anyone's coming when you're turning right, which is why you have to come to a complete stop and look (which you should always do anyway. I am not saying I never pull a California Roll... but still.). So... I was cruising, belting out Michelle Branch's Everywhere along with the radio when I realized that a big ol' SUV was VEEEERRRRRRY slowly pulling out from Epw*orth, with a jet ski on a trailer in tow.

I had to SLAM my brakes. Not just hit them- SLAM them. Have you ever stopped so fast that everything crashed to the floor and you could feel your heart and lungs crash against your ribs? It was bad. The only time I have ever been that close to an accident I was able to swerve into the other lane. This time there was a car stopped in the other lane, waiting to turn left. I hit my horn for like 5 full seconds. Count to five, slowly. That's a long time.

Suffice it to say, I am grateful that today wasn't the Lord's timing to take me home. That didn't occur at first- at first I was extremely angry at the idiot driver (a woman, no less. And my friends say I drive like a guy- in a good way, with decent skills and confidence- so I feel licensed to talk smack.) who could have A) Cost me my life and B) Hurt my beloved Ac (Acura). Then I realized that the Lord didn't allow an accident to happen (or the snake to fly through my window) and anger would solve nothing. I've been reading about what it is to truly love the Father, and other people, in I John and even though I feel like the lady was driving like an idiot, I am certain she wasn't trying to be a tool. Even so, had I been in an accident and my world come crashing down, I can run to my Father, breathless, and He'll take me up in His arms. That's not what Better than Ezra meant, I can assume, when they wrote the song, but that's what it means to me and I can rest in that.

Ok, my adrenaline's still pumping (telling the roomies revved me up and my heart is STILL beating a little fast, twenty minutes later) but You and Me by Lifehouse just came on (way to be, iTunes) and it has an amazing effect on me. Even if it does quicken my heart to think of someone feeling that way about me someday :)

There's something about you now that I can't quite figure out...

EDIT: Here's a little PS aimed mainly at you, Grayden- the vehicle in this case was a light metallic blue (it was about a 2004 Ford Expedition. How many girls would know that? I am a rock star), so our white autos causing accidents theory is shot. Or at least doesn't apply here. But the jet ski and trailer were primarily white. So our theory holds in part.

Just the world's greatest

2006-05-12T09:06:00.000-04:00

[The World's Greatest, R. Kelly]

Last night

I finished my grant application
Becca had the NW Hali second years over (In TF*A you commit to two years, so we call all of the corps members in their first year "first years" and people in their second year "second years". And actually, people who stay for a third year are called "third years". Then it's pretty much just "TF*A alum". Not super creative, I know. But it works.) because it's second-year appreciation week. That was good times, though I was mostly working in the basement the whole time :)
Jenny, Becca, Peter and Kit jumped in the lake last night. At like 9. I heard screaming (shrieking?) and just knew that's what they were doing. Word was that it was rather chilly.
The Red Sox won!! At Yankee Stadium. Suck it, Yankee fans.
Sharon called to tell me that Wednesday night Jason proposed!!
Something cool happened but I can't remember what it was
I stayed up late talking to Jenny (which is totally unfair because she took today off. Smoo.) about a plethora of topics, though most revolved around her Joseph-- and he's coming tonight, which is exciting. I like that kid. One thing we talked about is the length of engagements. I, personally, don't think it would be wise for me to ever be engaged for more than 6 months, tops. I've pretty much done nothing physically, so once the door to touching a man I am in love with is open I think I'll have a really hard time "holding back". I think this is one reason why Christians / people waiting for marriage to have sex tend to shudder at the thought of a long engagement. I can't say I definitely would, I think that if I were engaged for a year or more it would be setting myself up to sin physically. That said (switching gears back to Jenny) I really hope that she and Joe get married someday. They are so good for each other. It's fun to watch people who are in love-- and since basically all of my closest friends are engaged / married (Well, closest girl friends.) I get to learn a lot about relationships by observing them. I tend to be fairly perceptive (my main spiritual gift is discernment) so I rather enjoy it! My friends and I in college (mostly Sharon, Shiona, and Rachael) used to wonder who would be first and who would be last to fall in love. I feel like it's still a ways off for me, and I am honestly 100% ok with that. I like my life! And I get to do cool things like share with a girl from first period about the fact that I have chosen not to date, that I enjoy who I am, and that I don't feel like a man will ever fulfill me. I look forward to falling in love/getting married/having a family, but I don't feel like I am incomplete without it. She got the HUGEST smile on her face and seemed pretty inspired, so that made me happy in my heart!
I tend to ramble.

Today

My first period kids were horrified that I don't know the electric slide. So they showed me. I have a picture that I'll post... sometime. Still too busy!!
I am going to do a read-aloud for a kid taking his biology test. I've never done that before so I hope I do a good job!
My grumpiness has lifted. I don't know WHAT was wrong with me Monday-Wednesday, but I am back to my cheerful self.
I am leaning toward waiting until next weekend to go see The Sound of Music simply because I just want to go home!! Plus, since we'll have people over tonight I'll want some down time in between the softball game and people coming over. That and I am SO TIRED. Oh, and another "and" is that Jenny can't go tonight and she won't want to go alone so I don't mind waiting until next weekend.
I forgot my jump drive at home in my other computer, so I can't get my grades done. I want to punch myself in the face. Which makes me think of Strongbad, for some reason. Which makes me think of my brother Clinton saying, "Burninating the peasants" in a horribly wonderful Mexican accent. And that makes me smile.
I finally quit procrastinating and called an Acura dealer so that I could order the part to get my AC fixed-- methinks that July in North Carolina without air conditioning would be DEATH. It was under $60, and the school mechanic will do the labor free. Oh, happy day.

Randomosity

I had two friends get engaged in a span of six days. Both times in my head I heard, "dun-dun-dun another one bites the dust". In fact, the song was so stuck in my head that I bought it last night. I just keep thinking "and another one down, another one down- another one bites the dust!" --- Does this make me a bad person?

I can see you- your brown skin shining in the sun

2006-05-11T19:08:00.000-04:00

[The Boys of Summer, Don Henley]

I am so excited.

There's a local education fund that offers minigrants to teachers who apply. As aforementioned in my previous entry I spent most of my day writing my grant. I had planned to do a project on the Holocaust- in part because I am so passionate about educating my kids about it, and in part because I know so much about it.

I don't really know why, but Africa has crept into my conscience. Since I spent a summer in China my heart has been primarily on that people group. Plus, it seems that everyone thinks of Africa when they think of places that need aid and missions. That's a huge turn-off for me- I never want to just do what everyone else is in to.

Honestly, I think my interest in Africa began to grow when I came here to NC, where 90% of my students are of African-American descent. Once I realized that they know almost nothing about what's happening there right now- famine, war, AIDS, extreme poverty- my heart began to soften more and more to Africa. Also, the book Speak Rwanda really made an impact on me in college, and watching Hotel Rwanda a few months back really brought a lot of my emotions/dealings with the Rwandan genocide back to the surface. This paired with the current situations in places like Uganda and Sudan has had my mind on Africa.

So today when I was finally settling down to write my grant I realized that, while the Holocaust is certainly a worthy topic of study, I really want to do something that would hit closer to home for my kids. I've had multiple frustrating conversations where I have tried to help my kids understand the poverty and suffering that exist in the world and they simply don't get it. (In case you don't remember, I came to the conclusion that compassion cannot be taught- it can only be learned. It's in this entry.) I've been considering sponsoring a child through an organization I recently discovered called International Children's Network. Their mission is solid, and they seem to have finances based on integrity.

I got the idea to create a project called "Giving Hope A Name". I would sponsor a child, and my students would be able write letters to him/her, and when he/she writes us all of my students could share in it. Then we would study the causes and effects of poverty, hunger, war, and AIDS (P-H-W-AIDS) in Africa. After we study these in class, the students would choose from a list of African countries and, in teams, create a PowerPoint presentation on P-H-W-AIDS in their country. They also would need to research non-profit organizations that are providing aid directly to the people to address these issues in that country and choose one that they think is doing a commendable job.

Students would, in addition to their team presentations, keep a journal about how they personally are affected by what they learn (when I teach about the issues facing Africa I will use a lot of videos, webquests, and virtual tours so they can actually see the faces of those affected, in addition to their connection to our sponsored student). There would be an option to post these thoughts in a blog, which would help integrate use of technology.

Back to the presentations- we would have them in class, and we would invite other staff, the administration, and the Warr*en Education Fund (the group that provides the minigrants) to assess them using a rubric. Then, the scores of all who viewed the presentations (including the other students) would be used to determine the best two presentations per class.

The best 6 (I have three classes) would then prepare for an evening called "Giving Hope A Name". We would have a few practices, and then a dress rehearsal in which the local Board of Education (aka school board) would be invited to see the presentations and offer any insights/suggestions/feedback. Then the actual event would be open to the community. Each class would be given a $50 marketing budget to find ways to creatively advertise the night.

At the "Giving Hope A Name" night judges (staff, perhaps a parent or two, etc.) would be there to use the rubric again to choose the best three presentations. These three teams would receive $100 each to donate to their aid organization.

So that's my idea. That's what I wrote out all day (in even more detail, if you can imagine that). I really hope they approve, because I get so excited just thinking about it.

Also, I did talk to my student that wants to have a baby today. She has it rough. Please pray for her... she listened, but didn't necessarily see the light. She's on birth control- and is having sex- so pray for her to be wise, and to seek Christ. She really needs to know she's loved, and only the pure and unconditional love of Jesus Christ will meet the deep needs and desires of her heart.

Before she burns away

2006-05-11T10:49:00.000-04:00

[Neon, John Mayer]

I don't really have time to write this. I have this mess of a project where my homeroom students checked off their classes for next year (only none of them did it right despite multiple efforts to correct their ways) and I have to fill out bubble sheets. Oh, how I LOVE bubble sheets. (If sarcasm could drip, it would have right there.)

I use too many parenthetical phrases.

I also have to get my minigrant done- I assumed I could do it this weekend because it's due Monday the 15th, but I found out last night I have to get it signed and sent off basically yesterday :) I'll finish it, get it signed by my principal first thing tomorrow, and sent off to the central office to get signed by the superintendent in tomorrow's school mail. I'll tell y'all about my actual minigrant idea in a later entry.

I also have to write tomorrow's quiz, and you might think that's easy to do but writing good assessments takes time. Plus I have tutoring tonight until 5, and then I am supposed to go to a community dinner at Hardware (Cafe... really cute place. Wa*rren County's finest.) at 6 but I am just not sure that I'll make it. It depends on how much I get done between now and then.

I also have a long list of stuff to do-- I love making lists. It makes me feel better about life to get it all organized onto paper, and then putting lines through completed items puts joy in my heart. I think lists and plucking my eyebrows are my two favorite feeling-better-about-life things. That and quiet times, which I JUST realized I didn't have today. I hate it when I get so busy that I don't even notice that I didn't have one. No matter how busy I feel I will have a quiet time at lunch.

Snap. I just realized that even if I don't go to dinner there will be people at my house for a poker night (or whatever Becca planned for the NW Hali people.) So I will at least have to make an appearance- but I like those people so I'll probably want to hang out. Boo on my life.

This weekend will be busy- last softball game tomorrow afternoon, hopefully going to see The Sound of Music at Lakeland (I know many in the cast, including the Maria who is actually a science teacher- and T*FA alum- here at my school), and having a *hopefully* small gathering of people over to chill after the play.

Saturday's the big T*FA end of year celebration. It's formal. I refuse to go buy a dress, so I'll wear my nicest slacks and such. I hate formals. At least it's not til 6 (but it's in Raleigh- LAME) so I'll have some semblance of a weekend tomorrow. Sunday will almost definitely include dinner with the boy's (and probably at their house this weekend because they just got a hot tub. I don't like hot tubs, either. Meh. But Peter really wants to cook us dinner since we always have them to our house... and by "us" and "our" I mean my four roomies and I.) and I haven't been to church in three weeks (I was flying home from Boston one weekend, driving home from Atlantic Beach- that conference I went to- the next, and last weekend was the headache of death that immobilized me pretty much all day). I miss church and need to be there, so I am really looking forward to Sunday.

Ugh. This message is fragmented and true to Tami tradition (I almost said form, but tradition kept with the alliteration) it's long and is 58% parenthetical phrasing. Bite me.

One happy day- I got my laptop back- two motherboards and a new hard drive later- and I can finally listen to my beloved iTunes at school. But the bell for third period just rang. Those ten minutes I just took to write this were nowhere near enough.

I promise to sound less frazzled on my next entry. Promise.

But there doesn't seem to be anyone around

2006-05-10T09:03:00.000-04:00

[Brand New Day, Forty Foot Echo]

Go read this:

Officials: Second-grader sexually assaulted by 12 boys

How do first and second graders even know how to do these things?

One of my TF*A friends had a little boy that came in with anatomically correct female breasts drawn on his arm, his own "artwork"- she teaches first grade.

She also intercepted a note (I may have mentioned this before) written from one of her boys to his kindergarten girlfriend:

Dear ________,
I love you baby.
We is gonna have sex.
I like your backpack.

Things like this make me really wonder what I'll choose to do when my kids are school age. I usually lean toward public education for a plethora of reasons. For one, it's an excellent mission field. Secondly, I don't want my children to lack vital social skills that you oft see in students that have been homeschooled. Also, though I fully intend to raise godly offspring, there's a level at which you need to be able to walk with those who don't know Christ in order to share Him with those people. That's why I teach in the public sector, as opposed to a private Christian school.

I am not a proponent of a private Christian school unless I fully believe that 1) the Truth is taught according to God's Word and 2) that on all levels- students to staff- people honestly seek to know and pursue Christ. There's a school at home called Northwest Christian and this year at the state basketball tournament people on some message boards were saying that the students from NWC were cursing more and behaved far worse than the fans and students from the non-Christian schools. I know Christians are human, and not perfect, but I also won't knowingly send my kids to a school filled with hypocrisy on those levels. It's a personal choice on my part, but I'd rather have my children in school with those who don't know Christ as opposed to those who act like the world but attach Jesus' name to it.

I do have to note here that a lot of this depends on my kids. I don't use the "Well, I went to public school and I'm fine" argument because I'm me, and I don't expect my children someday- or anyone else- to be just like me. But stories like the one from the article above make me... unsettled, to say the least.

Another thing: today I intercepted a note. A lot of my girls write notes all the time- I understand because I totally did, too. That said, I don't let them get away with it. This one I decided to read because it's a student that I sometimes worry about. Here are some excerpts:

*"... this might sound stupid but I wanna have a baby and yes I wanna have it now after I get my car and everything but I really wanna baby... I want someone to love me for me and someone to give me a reason to stay out of trouble."

*"I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like no one loves me. Sometimes I hate everything about me. Everything. It's like no one wants to be around me like they used to."

She then compared herself to someone that she does think people want to be around and said she feels ugly compared to that girl. What's sad is this girl is gorgeous- and I am not just biased. She's absolutely beautiful. Girls starve themselves to have a figure like hers, and she has a soft yet striking face. And, though it makes me sick, she's what my black students call "light skinned", meaning she's black but with lighter skin. Apparently "light skinned" is highly preferable to "dark skinned"- calling someone "dark skinned" is an insult. Interestingly enough, only the black students use these terms- no white student would dare point out differences in skin tones of the black students.

It absolutely breaks my heart- this is a freshman in high school willing to admit to a friend that she's desperate for unconditional love and that the only place she expects to find it is having a baby. I am going to talk to her tomorrow. She needs to understand that no baby will ever help her love herself- and she needs that first. People cannot fulfill her. If you think to, pray for this student. Her name (again, not her actual name, but the Lord knows) is Kenzi.

I am not sure how this got so long. It's sort of heavy stuff. But I think about things like this often- education, school, my students- so it's not abnormal for all of these things to swirl around in my head.

The crown that showed no dignity He wore

2006-05-09T21:46:00.000-04:00

[This Man, Jeremy Camp]

I am one blessed woman. There was an awkward situation with the roommates- one in which I was 85% wrong, at the very least; 100% wrong on some points- and it sort of just blew over, and we were all cool like it never happened. I wanted to talk about it with one roomie in particular but the conversation just felt like it would have been forced and the time was never right.

Earlier I just sat here with it eating at me, so I went to talk to her. It was such a great conversation- so redeeming. I love being secure enough in Christ to be able to admit when I am wrong and still not feel like I am losing my worth. It's amazing how life is abundant when I am willing to die to myself. Plus, she's amazing and gracious and while I didn't expect her to apologize for anything, she did. That was just such a blessing on every level.

In other news... it was a chill day. I was in such a bad mood in class today (and yesterday) and I really don't know why. I don't know what was wrong with me. Yesterday I told a student in fourth period that if he didn't stop what he was doing I was going to hurt his feelings. I thought Anna's face was going to be permanently plastered to the floor- she was in such shock. Normally I NEVER say things like that. I was able to talk to him later and reassure him that I DO like him, but this kid is so desperate for attention that he does really ridiculous things and some days I just can't handle him. All the more of a reason I need to love him. In retrospect, the situation was kind of funny. I love my kids, don't get me wrong. There are just some days that are less stellar than others.

And then there's this curious phenomenon with the boys in third and fourth period. I have Play-Doh so that during notes and conversations the high-maintenance kids have something to do with their hands. I, for example, despite my usually high academic performance, can never sit still (I'm totally tapping my right foot currently, now that I think about it) and I actually listen far better if my hands are busy. Somehow I am better able to focus if I'm doing something. Thus, the Play-Doh. Only... many of the boys are obsessed with making phallic forms. WHAT IS THIS? I don't get it. Girls don't do that. But the boys? They're all about the phallus, and they try to make it in a disguised way ("What?? It's a microphone, Ms. T*K.") So they make them. That and poop. Ugh. Boys. Oh, and if you don't know what a phallus is, I recommend you use a dictionary site without pictures to look it up. But by now you can probably guess...

Another thing: Tonight I was looking at some pictures from high school (Darla inspired me) and perusing my poetry and prose and such from then. I read a story I wrote when I was sixteen- I was impressed with my vocabulary at the time. People oft make fun of shows with teens using big words, but I knew my way around the linguistic block. The pictures were fun, too- I found one of my brother and I (Clinton) from when I came home for break during my first year of college. I miss him so much it physically hurts sometimes. We were pretty out of touch there for awhile and I literally felt like an important part of me was dying. We're doing better with communication now and I honestly feel much better about life. I read a story today about a girl who lost her brother in a car crash, and while I know I would make it, I think that if I ever lost Clinton like that I'd be pretty devastated. I can't think about it. Need to move on...

Earlier I clicked on one of my many Firefox homepages and discovered- to my elation- that the Red Sox spanked the Yankees. Like 14-3. When I first checked it was 10-2. But that feels really good :)

Also, according to some John Mayer fan, whom I am sure is cursing her parents for not better planning her day of entry into the world, I am "so luky!!" that I have the same birthday as John Mayer. I am not sure what it means to be "so luky!!" but if ever I find out you'll all be among the first to know.

Tomorrow we're watching All Quiet on the Western Front. I wish someone would do a modern remake of this movie, because while it's awesome, my kids totally miss the significance due to an inability to get past the fact that it's 70+ years old. I was straight up with them about the quality, though, and they still voted to watch it, so watch it tomorrow we shall. At least I won't have the opportunity to be grouchy :) Maybe it's this whole losing weight thing. Does getting healthy mean I have to be a jerk? I hope not. I think I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and mean. Tough choice there. Hopefully I was just tired! I don't think I could ever consistently be a jerk, even if I wanted to. It's just not in me.

More randomosity- being that I spend abnormal amounts of time on ESPN.com (well, not really, but it sounded cool to say) I noticed that the Seahawks are moving their headquarters to Renton. Also, the Sonics are considering building their new stadium there. My good friend Melissa lives there, and she loves it. Tonight I was thinking about how much I miss home. I like North Carolina, but I will always be a west coast girl at heart. I've long thought that I will settle down in either the Seattle or Boston areas. Watching the Seahawks games was a little like death for me- and not just because I was surrounded by Steelers fans (I really, really don't like the Steelers. Never have. I am abstaining from using the word "hate" here, but it's a deep dislike.) the whole time. But I just wished I was in that stadium, surrounded by Washingtonians. Out here I am the lone Washington girl. One girl went to Gonzaga (though she was from Oregon), but she was actually killed in a car accident last September. Losing her was hard anyway, to say the least, but it was also difficult to lose my one connection to home.

I really feel like Washington is such a special place. Most people out here (North Carolina, and/or the east coast) think of California when I say "west coast". At first I was offended, but now I am glad. It's a pretty well kept secret that Washington is amazing- yet anyone I talk to that's been there can't get over how beautiful it is :) I've said it before, but I am grateful that people think Seattle gets 800 feet of rain a year, or that Spokane doesn't exist. (Did you know that most all of the major eastern seaboard cities get more precipitation per year than Seattle? I bet you didn't!) I sort of resent all of the Californians that are migrating to my beloved home state. But I am glad that east coast-ers don't know about it because I kind of want it to stay just like it is.

I am still pretty unsure of the Lord's will for my life pertaining to location, but I think I'd really like to live somewhere in the suburban areas around Seattle. Far enough to be out of the city, but close enough that I could feasibly still teach in a Title I school. That's where my heart is- though I adore places like Mt. Spokane and the Mead School District I am just not sure that I can ever go back to teaching in areas of privilege. My heart is with the underdogs. But, again, I know not the plan for my life. I will go wherever I am sent.

This is long and I am getting tired of typing. Tis time for bed. But to all of you lurkers (Grayden, Clinton, Melissa, Sharon, etc.... Darla and Sho do a decent job, so you two are off the hook) feel free to leave comments. You don't have to sign up or anything if you don't have an account, but you guys are my friends and I appreciate your input.

So few come and don't go

2006-05-08T13:00:00.000-04:00

[Look After You, The Fray]

I cannot stop listening to this song. Seriously- go find it now. Use itunes or what have you.

Speaking of itunes, Friday I downloaded LOST from itunes (since I slept through it on Wednesday... oops...). Well, that's a lie. I downloaded it Thursday, but I watched it Friday. At the end I literally sat up in my bed (I had been lying down) and yelled "HOLY CRAP!!!" at my computer screen. It was just that intense. I feel like they (ABC?) have been yanking us around all season with a new episode every fourth week, and to be honest I was having a hard time sticking with it. This is reason #179 why DISHNetwork sucks- I can't use my TiVo- long story, but generally just sucky :( I am like Miranda on Sex and the City- TiVo is better than any boyfriend!!

I feel so blech today. Maybe because it's rainy day #2 in a row, with a high of 58, and STILL the AC is on in my classroom. Maybe because my throat hurts. I feel like I should be depressed but don't really know why. Do you ever have those days where you just feel so blah? I can't even put words to it. And I really need to do tomorrow's lesson plan and I REALLY don't feel like it. It's WWI- I LOVE WWI and WWII. Love them. Love teaching them, and learning more about them myself. But I have zero motivation. And as for the gray rainy day, I love the rain, too. So what the heck is wrong with me? Plus I just want to eat and eat and eat for no apparent reason, but I don't let myself, so then I feel miserable because I can't eat. UGH!!!

LAME.

Will you take what's left of me?

2006-05-06T22:54:00.000-04:00

[What's Left of Me, Nick Lachey]

What a lovely day. I woke up to my alarm at 8:30 but I couldn't fall back asleep (that NEVER happens. It's uber rare!) so I laid there til about 9. Then I cooked a little salsa-egg-burrito around 10. Chilled with the roommates.

Lovely Liz discovered that the lake is warm enough to swim in. So we went swimming (and shorts that totally didn't fit this winter had EXTRA ROOM in them! Oh, happy day!) and then I did another thing that I never do- I just laid out in the sun (with some sunscreen, of course) and chilled. Then I came in, showered, and was inspired by Becca the rock star to clean my room. It's like 98% clean and I am getting my laundry done on Saturday!! I normally do it on Sunday.

Then, somehow it was 7 by then so I made some spaghetti (with yummy healthy spinach noodles, and the best sauce ever- with lots of onions, sundried tomatoes, and LOTS of garlic!) for Bec and I. Then we all (Bec, Jen, Liz, and I) watched Just Like Heaven. It was cute. Cheesy to the max, and predictable at every turn, but pretty cute. Now I am choosing to forego SNL and get to bed. I'm sleepy.

Lame entry, I know. But it was a fairly uneventful day- in a good way. Tomorrow shall, I hope, be equally uneventful, save for church and dinner with the boys. I've been too busy lately :)

Someone who loves you despite your faults

2006-05-05T20:31:00.000-04:00

[Must Be Nice, Lyfe Jennings]

Tonight I missed the bus to my softball game.

I got caught up in work and totally forgot.

Praise God that I did.

Tonight the high school had its first annual Poetry Slam. Students performed their works.

Hearts. Minds. Souls. On display.

Of the 10 performers, I have/had 7 in my classroom. These are my kids.

We were supposed to go by the Chicago slam rules- cheering and such.

I could only clap.

Clap and cry.

They dared to be real. No room for faux under the spotlight.

I've never been more proud. Never.

First prize was a laptop.

You've never seen someone more excited. Never.

She's in eighth grade. Has two children. Is written off as lost. Finished. Done.

She never dreamed of her own laptop. Never.

These are my kids.

Mine.

Mine.

And I will fight for them.

Reason #82,956 why my students are awesome

2006-05-05T16:42:00.000-04:00

Quote from someone's "In Ten Years..." paper (yeah, this one came in a little late):

At the time I'm 25 I will be ready to get married to my girlfriend, Hillary. If not, then never mind about that.

Tell me that's not hilarious. Seriously. I laughed out loud and had to put it on here.

You have been more faithful than the morning sun; more faithful than knowing night will come

2006-05-04T18:28:00.000-04:00

[More Faithful, Skillet]

I had the most incredible conversation with one of my students today.

Her name (not her real name) is Summer, and she stopped by around 4 because soccer's over and she just wanted to chat. We ended up talking about a lot of things, but a few stick out in particular.

For those who are close to me, you know that I had a bit of a rough time of it growing up. Multiple kinds of abuse, some level of neglect, and pretty much raising myself in a lot of ways since I was about 7. I also had some harsh church experiences- being told I'd burn in hell if not baptized, or that if I didn't speak in tongues then I wasn't saved (and one night at a camp 9-years-old me prayed desperately for three hours that I'd speak in tongues and be saved, like all the kids around me, but finally all the counselors gave up and I went to bed wondering why Jesus didn't want me)- that easily could have completely turned me away from all things Christ.

However, when I was 15 a friend kept inviting me to church. I always declined- I was fine. My life at home wasn't so great, and I was desperate for love, but I was fine. God has such perfect timing, because finally around Christmas of my sophomore year I agreed to go to youth group. It was perfect because, since it was Christmas, I knew most of the songs. This allowed people to notice my singing voice, and everyone was gushing to me about my voice. Just this small amount of love and acceptance was enough to make me want to come back. At this point, I thought I was a Christian.

Through Christ's grace I kept going to church, even though I hated it. I liked youth group on Wednesday nights but I was the kind of girl who took the voluntary math club / math class on Wednesdays, so I settled for church instead. I remember asking myself why the heck I went, but Gwen drove 40 miles every Sunday to take me, and it got me out of my fairly miserable home life (I love my parents, and I know I'm not the only teen who struggled with their family) for a few hours a week.

I eventually came to the realization that Jesus Christ loved me, ME, and died as me on the cross so that I could receive forgiveness and He could have a relationship with me. I received the gift of Life. Even still, I was desperate for love. I needed someone to make me whole, validate my existence. For as long as I can remember I always had a huge crush on one boy. In high school it was David (frosh year), then TJ (soph year), then Cody (junior year), then Tim (senior year and on into my frosh year of college), then Grayden (basically sophomore through senior years in college). I would always choose a guy that I knew would never like me back (not consciously, but on some level I knew I was doing this) because if he could somehow like me then it would REALLY validate me.

Now, despite my "crushes" (which, by senior year of high school had become "the one" from God) I made a commitment the summer before Junior year to God. I decided to not only be a virgin when I married, but also that I wanted to save ALL of myself and not date a boy (man) unless God was clearly telling me to do so. I had faith that God had "the one" for me, and that I would wait for him. I still ended up with crushes because at this point I was still searching for someone to love me and make all that I didn't like inside of me not seem so debilitating.

Throughout college, however, I was slowly able to embrace the Word of God and accept who He made me to be. It was hard for me to let go of my crush on the last guy (whom, by God's grace, is now amongst my better friends and will most likely marry one of my closest friends) because I liked Him throughout the period when I was growing so much in Christ and was sure that I couldn't have been wrong about him. But, finally, in the fall of my senior year I realized that I was wrong. I was finally able to see how NOT meant for one another we were. We make great friends, and that's God's best for us.

Now, I am in a place where I haven't liked anyone for over two and a half years. That's a REALLY long time. No one has been able to stir my heart since then. I've had silly crushes- you know, Tom Brady, Eric Kinne at Institute (T*FA thing) this summer, but they were just silliness. Tom Brady, actually, still is just silliness :) I know I won't marry them and the #1 most attractive thing about any man is his passionate pursuit of Jesus Christ. I want someone who can lead me spiritually- and I tend to be a strong woman no matter what I am doing, so he simply cannot be weak sauce. Even if he's 6'2" tall, with non-brown eyes, left handed, loves my same sports teams, can sing and melt me with his voice (especially if he plays guitar), drives a blue and brand new Acura TSX (and didn't have to go in debt to get it!), loves my music and always plays the perfect song, has a British accent, loves history, is amazing with children, has the perfect clothes, has passion for serving the poor, has a heart for short-term missions, has season tickets to Fenway park, and thinks I am the only woman in the world he ever wants to see / talk to / think about again- even if ALL that- if he's not passionately in love with Jesus Christ then he's got nothing. Jesus makes ordinary people beautiful and my man will be more than I ever dreamed to ask for.

I was able to share my testimony with Summer, and encourage her. She's seeking to be set apart for Christ at school, to love and witness to her peers around her. She's such a wonderful girl and I really want to be an encouragement and inspiration to her. She said that she doesn't want to be caught up in the pressures around her, and that she wants to live for Christ. She doesn't want to be in any relationships unless she is certain he's "the one" (her words, not mine). The words she clings to are "Good things come to those who wait". It was wonderful because I was able to tell her that no matter how impossible it may seem as she goes through the next three years of high school (she's a freshman) that in my own life I see God's faithfulness and have no doubt that, at 24, He is still ever faithful to me.

Moments like that make me so grateful I stayed the course. We watched The Patriot last week and in it the two main characters talk about the wife/mother always encouraging them to stay the course. When you know the right thing to do, no matter how weakened your resolve, never stray from it. Proverbs 23:23 says:

Buy truth, and do not sell it,
Get wisdom and instruction and understanding

The truth will always cost you something. But it's worth the price you pay, if you're willing to pay it. I have always known that God had big plans for how He wants to use me, and all that has happened in my life. I pray that I would never miss an opportunity. He is so faithful.

I can truly say that God is more faithful that the rising sun in the mornings, or of my assurance that it will set and night will follow on its heels. I have more faith in His presence, His hand in my life, than trust that tomorrow will come.

Can you say that, and mean it?

Oh, snap

2006-05-04T00:14:00.000-04:00

It's 12:17 AM.

I took at nap starting at 5:07 PM.

Set my alarm for 7:15 PM.

Was out in mere minutes.

And... uh...

I just woke up 10 minutes ago.

Quote from fourth period...

2006-05-03T15:00:00.000-04:00

Me: "You know it's been quite the day when Summer wets her pants, Thomas breaks his head, and David cries."

Everyone knows I'm in over my head

2006-05-03T11:14:00.000-04:00

[Over My Head (Cable Car), The Fray]

I love this song. I first heard it about two months ago... I feel slightly ahead of the game since it's just now becoming a big (and soon to be overplayed) hit.

What a day. It's one of those where the circumstances are seemingly against me, but I just can't get over how wonderful my Christ is, and I feel so blessed.

On adverse circumstances... my school (without warning, mind you) extended first period and squandered half my planning time away. Then I was given a guilt trip for choosing to back out of something, but I was intentional to get the information ahead of time and I was misled- even if it was unintentional on their part to give me wrong information I can't follow through-- but the person was pretty rude to me. The good thing is that I just let it go and tried to make sure to apologize and set things straight.

One thing that is still frustrating was third period. We are learning about the French Revolution, so today we discussed the death penalty. You know- should it exist and if it does what crimes are worthy of receiving it, etc. In third period we got on the tangent of rape, and one of the boys said, "Well what if you're raping her but then she starts to get really into it." I was so angry. In a calm way- not screaming- but I couldn't believe anyone would say that. And he wasn't just looking for a reaction- he meant it, but not in a sincere "what if" way. I dare not think of what his fantasies might me. For the first time ever I said, essentially, that he wasn't allowed to be a part of the conversation unless the words out of his mouth weren't ignorant.

It was a little harsh, I admit this much. But who says that?

Here's to fourth period... may it go much better than third.

Hold on to that feeling

2006-05-01T23:42:00.000-04:00

[Don't Stop Believin', Journey]

I love the Red Sox!!

Did you see Papi's 3 run blast over Damon's head? It made me happy in my heart :) And the Mariners won- total rock stars, all around!

I couldn't help but have a twinge of sadness, however, watching all those fans in their Red Sox gear, rockin' Fenway without me.

My future husband, I am all the more convinced, is a 6'2", non-brown eyed British man (though a Bostonian transplant) in love with Jesus... and in possession of Red Sox season tickets. Could you imagine getting to go to a Yankees game at Fenway? I shudder at the mere thought.

Moooving on...

Last night I had the most incredibly wonderful conversation with Brendo. How I love that boy. Do you ever take a step back and wonder how you were so blessed with the friends you have? I am going through this- well, hopefully not just a phase- where I've been blessed to reconnect with friends, both from college and high school. I have had so many amazing people in my life- I refuse to just selfishly let those relationships die. Rather, I selfishly am going to keep them going. My life has been incredibly blessed by four people recently:

1- Darla. We somehow undid the four years of college where we completely grew apart and are in many ways almost closer than we were in high school, mostly due to just maturity in general. You're a rock star, "Darling"!

2- Melissa. She's been mentioned before, but come on- how many people have a friend that they've literally known since the womb? We'd be stupid to just let that relationship die, and I'd like to think we're both pretty smart :) I know she is! You read this, too, so Melissa, you also get the much coveted title of rock star. You know that's right.

3- My "BOB"- Burn Out Buddy from when I was an RA in college (BJ love, right Darla? Most people think I am utterly lewd right now, but you know the greatness that is Baldwin-Jenkins). She's serving the Lord in Peru and I am so blessed by her diligence to seek the Lord; the fact that she's just as impressed by what I am doing to serve Him here stateside is astounding, but I am grateful for her love nonetheless.

4- My buddy Brendo! We once had the, "How the heck are we not in love with each other?" conversation, because we mesh so well and yet it's completely fileo love- friendship. But he's just... awesome. We can just be real with one another, encouraging and challenging and supportive. And, unlike most guys, he's totally unafraid of telling me how much I mean to him. Most guys, no matter how healthy the friendship, worry that telling a girl that she matters will ruin everything. Brendon knows me well enough and is so comfortable that he just says what he thinks- and if "You are amazing" comes to mind then he says it. And vice versa from me to him. It just doesn't get any better than that!

Others should be on this list, but it stops at four because some evil person made it midnight. So much for my ten pm bedtime :) But I was looking back at entries from November and December and they are pretty sad- I was in a rough place. Frustrated with school, teaching (trust me- two TOTALLY different things), who I was, etc. I am grateful to Christ for getting my perspective back and opening my eyes to all that is wonderful around me- and in me.

I love my life. I sincerely want to be no one else- no matter how beautiful or rich or who they're married to (not even the evil woman of whom we do not speak; aka Tom Brady's girlfriend. Smoo on her anyway). I love being me.

Praise God for that!

2006-05-01T18:15:00.001-04:00

I want to marry a British man.

Legal Heroin? Are you kidding me?

2006-05-01T13:12:00.000-04:00

Read this article:

Legalized Drugs in Mexico?

Are you kidding me? Number one, it's a horrible idea. Number two, who will carry around such small amounts? How will this ever be enforced?

I wonder how many of those legislators have ever seen and held a crack baby. How many have spent time in a home where the children live off of food and clothing from the local food bank yet the parents can somehow, in their poverty, afford a flow of drugs to feed their habits? What number have daughters that have been date-raped as a consquence of their drink being laced with Ecstasy?

If this is actually brought to fruition the political fallout with the US will be very interesting, to say the least. Might we have problems with people crossing the border the other way to get a legal fix? It doesn't seem too far fetched. I am just grateful that I'm a couple thousand miles away from the border because my students (they're the ones that brought my attention to this) were WAY too excited about the idea.

Letting of my pain and all my fears

2006-04-30T17:44:00.000-04:00

[Letting Go, Jeremy Camp]

So the roomies (Bec, Jen, and Liz) and I just watched Never Been Kissed. You know, dorky dweeby Drew Barrymore goes back to high school and falls in love with her teacher, Michael Vartan.

If ever I question maturing in the last 10 or so years (Frick. I just realized that ten years ago I was graduating eighth grade and gearing up to start high school. Kill me now.) I need only to remember my reaction to the movie today. Ok, so I don't question whether I've grown up since I was 14, but... it sounded nice to say.

I digress... so, I realized about 20 minutes into the movie that my feelings about the Josie/teacher relationship are WAAAAAAYYYYYYY different. When I first saw the movie as a Junior in high school I was, 1) in love with Mr. Coulson, and 2) caught up in how beautiful and romantic the progressing relationship was.

Watching the movie today as a teacher? I was FUH-REAKED out. I understand the whole "Well, she's actually 25 and he sees her soul and is trying to not let himself fall for her...' argument, but nonetheless- to the best of his knowledge, she's 17 and his student. End of story. I just can't get over the fact that he's her teacher, no matter how "soul connected" they are. Watching it as a teacher I was, 1) ok, still sort of in love with Mr. Coulson, but 2) totally ill over the WRONG WRONG WRONGNESS of the progressing relationship.

I pointed out how skeeved out I was and everytime there were scenes with Coulson giving Josie "that look" all four of us would audibly show our disgust. It's still a really cute movie but I don't think it'll ever be the same for me again.

Ok... people are over from the boys' house (plus others) upstairs for dinner so I should leave my cave of a room and be social- my laptop's still not fixed, so to access the net I have to use my desktop. It's a 2 year old Dell, yet it feels so antiquated. Regardless of it's age, it removes me from our guests, so... upstairs I go. But I just had to share my story with y'all. Feel free to leave your thoughts.