Awake in the infinite cold

I have this problem.

You see, I am a planner. I like to know what's coming. I know, I know- it's utterly hypocritical since I wrote that whole entry about actually living the moment and not just always looking for the next big thing.

But... I am committed to T*FA for two years. I would like to stay more, for a plethora of reasons running the gamut from selfish to selfless. On the "me" end, it would behoove me to stay for 5 years and get 1/4 of my student loans completely forgiven. There's also the possibility of my school considering paying for master's degrees for T*FA teachers who commit to stay for x-number of years. In this equation rumor has it that the x is equivalent to 5. That is in response to the problem of great teachers coming in, working for two years, and then leaving, setting the school back at square one when it comes to whatever that teacher taught.

That very reason is on the "others" end of my scale. You see, I love these kids. They are full of so much potential and I want to see them overcome their circumstances and excell in life. Plus, if the goal of TF*A is the long-term solution of closing the education gap between the haves and have-nots in this country, then great teachers that move on to a more "comfortable" life setting isn't really helping. [Ok, that's a huge can of worms, because some people go into other sectors and still serve the have-nots, such as health and law, the political sphere, etc. Nonetheless... some just move on to a comfortable little upper-middle class lifestyle and the education gap continually widens. I fear becoming the latter.]

But, because I am honest to a fault... the fact is that if I stay here for 5 years then I will be 28 and a half when I finish. Nearly 28 and three-quarters. My life goal has long been to marry and raise godly offspring, with career a distant second. I live in the middle-of-nowhere'sville and I just don't foresee meeting "him" here. I can't count that out, of course, because maybe he's in my area somewhere. But the pickin's here are slim, and I absolutely refuse to meet "him" on the internet if I can help it. I always intended to be married for at least 3 years before having children, so that means even if I moved and met the guy immediately upon arrival to Boston or Seattle (currently the two places I'd like to live... and likely still to be what I want when I do move on from N*C) then you have to assume we wouldn't get married for at least a year. So then if I got pregnant exactly 3 years later I'd be almost 33. Yikes. I don't want to have babies in my mid- to late-thirties.

So these are the things that run through my head. The good news is that, despite being the absolutely detail oriented overanalyzer that I can tend to be, I am gently reminded that I am not in charge of my life. My Christ has a plan for me that I can't see. As Brendo pointed out there is a chance that I could meet someone and be married in a year, though I least expect it. Once again, however, these things are towards the front of my plate this week and thus I tell you about it.

Feel free to tell me I am a nutso and that 30 isn't old. I'll remind you that you're wrong, but we'll still be friends.