Will you take what's left of me?

[What's Left of Me - Nick Lachey]

Tomorrow we truly begin the Big Dance. Yeah, some no-name Monmouth/Hampton game went down, but it doesn't count. In 24 hours I'll know if my beloved Zags passed the first round. If we don't make it past the second round I will throw myself off a cliff.

Ok, not really. I am melodramatic.

Sometimes, however, my life does have real drama. An issue heavy on my heart as of late has been love lost. Not romantic love, but the love of (from and for) a sibling. There used to be a friend in my life that was like the brother I never had, but somewhere along the line he decided I'm not worth loving anymore. Painful enough to deal with, but I'm ok. Sometimes that's just life.

Funny how you can lose someone so important and find that the gaping whole left has somehow become mostly filled, slowly but surely, by a different somebody. I am grateful, because this one was a pretty tough fit to morph into, but I am blessed with incredible people like that in my life.

So this incredibly morphing chamo of mine and I had a wonderful conversation last night. Part of it included discussion about love and such. I became such a stickler to this whole "Never date ever" philosophy, and was convinced that it was for everyone because it was for me. I have slowly been deciding that maybe that's not so. The fact is, sometimes you have to make mistakes to learn lessons about issues you never would have had to even deal with before. The issues were always there, but can you truly learn to be selfless in love when you've never had the opportunity to be selfish?

Some people need the experience of a relationship to learn from their mistakes. For me personally, I don't feel the need for falling in love unless he's the one I'll spend the rest of my life with. It will be my first time for everything, and I mean everything, and that's ok for me. Sometimes I start to lose faith that he's out there somewhere, but he is and I'll wait.

Switching gears... I finally got a new wallet (and purse!) last weekend and just now got around to doing the full switch of the wallets (the purse will come later... got the essentials transferred, but it's all about the baby steps, Bob. You're so hot if you got that one). As I realized that my Safeway, Alberston's, and Fred Meyer member cards wouldn't be making the switch, my heart jerked a little. Then it was the Spokane Public Library card, the voter's registration card for 8424 N Nevada, Spokane WA, then my Bank of America debit card, and then my last college student ID... I cried. Not a lot, just misty eyed. I couldn't bring myself to throw it all away, so I just put it back in the old wallet.

I looked at that last college ID for awhile. It was taken over a year and a half ago, and as I looked at the unassuming smiling face of a girl completely content to live in Spokane forever I realized that I am not her. I hardly recognize her. She's cute and innocent and looking no farther ahead than student teaching. I, on the other hand, am drawing near to my last quarter in my first year of teaching. I live on the opposite coast, in a completely different demographic.

She's 22 and completely comfortable in the life she's surrounded with. I am 24 (nearly 24 and a half... how many people past 11 still count in half-years? I know, right?) and seeking to change the lives around me, comfortable only with who I am but hungry to be better and more. A better teacher, more in love with Christ. A better friend, more willing to take risks.

She's a girl.

I'm a woman.

On that note... I heard What's Left of Me by Nick Lachey today and somehow it suddenly became the song I immediately downloaded and am listening to on repeat. Yeah, it's purely pop. You know what? I am not ashamed. This woman be rockin' the Lynrd Skynrd, rollin' with Dem Franchise Boys, and doing a little sway to Nick Lachey. If you don't like it, read another blog.

I'm just fine with me. You wouldn't feel the same about me if I weren't, and you know that's right.