You can't hurry love- no, you'll just have to wait

[You Can't Hurry Love, The Supremes]

A'ight, so most of my friends already know this, but there has been some curiosity as to what happened to my "love bog". I deleted it... I'm sure you want to know why, so I'll give ya the full story. This is long, but it's worth it, so read the whole thing!

When I first met Dusty, I was hesitant and cautious. I tried to be really careful because I have been saving all of me- my heart, my physical purity, my love- for one man. As I got to know him, though, it was clear that the Lord was bringing us together. Even in retrospect that is clear (and hindsight tends to be 20/20). However, I did make the mistake of assuming that not only was I to be in a relationship with him, but that he was "the one".

I went down a few weeks ago and met his family. It was amazing. It felt like home. Things were great. Every now and then I sensed that he wasn't saying all he wanted to say, but I thought that was normal- it's what guys do, I thought- for him to have a hard time putting all that was in his heart into words. I surprised myself with how sweet and cute and fun I was around him. I mean, I have those qualities, but I always hear about women being witches in relationships and I was scared that I would be one of those people. But even when he was horribly grouchy one day (not mean to me, per se, just grouchy and kind of whiny) instead of responding in my flesh and being all, "ME! Get over yourself and pay attention to ME!!", I found myself being cute and funny and reaffirming. That was my natural response- to focus on him, and bring joy to his life. I'm glad I learned that about myself :)

So after I got home he wrote me and said, basically, that he wanted to take me and make me his wife more than anything, but that God still hadn't told him whether that was in His (the Lord's) will yet. When I read that e-mail I realized, in my heart, that God hadn't spoken to me, either. Like I said- I assumed that because God did reveal that I was to be in a relationship with Dusty that he was also the one I would marry. It didn't make sense that I would meet someone that seemed so fit for me in every way, begin to fall for them, and then not spend my life with them.

I began to really seek the Lord's face. I searched His Word, allowing it to minister to my heart, and I prayed. I was bare, vulnerable, and honest before Him. He began to really work. I was waiting for a yes or no answer, but God simply said to me, "Trust Me. Seek Me. Rely on Me for every step, but keep walking in this relationship."

See, I am a very black and white person. All or nothing. For a year and a half in college I actually stopped watching all movies with a rating over PG because I convinced myself that it was ungodly to watch anything with a PG-13 or above rating. I stopped listening to any music that was not explicitly Christian- and that includes purely instrumental music- for nearly 3 years. You may think this sounds crazy, and you might be asking yourself, "Why?", right now. It's very simple- there are movies, and there is music, that would not be healthy for me, as a Christian to watch/hear. However, it's easier for me to have very strict, black-and-white, and legalistic rules for myself (notice- for myself- not necessarily set by the Lord) than to walk in the grey; that is, to seek the Lord each step of the way, keeping my heart open to Him saying, "This isn't my best for you; walk away."

With Dusty, I either wanted to leave the relationship completely, or know that I would marry Him. And the Lord, once I began to seek Him wholeheartedly, made it very clear: He wanted me to stay in the relationship, seeking Him each step of the way, being open and communicative with Dusty. You see, I just wanted to know the end result- would I marry this guy, or no? However, God is far more concerned with the process of working in me, internally transforming me into the image of Christ.

So, heeding the scriptures, I kept seeking the Lord. According to God's word, the key to effective prayer is this: Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened.(Matthew 7:7) As I sought Him, the Lord spoke. First, He told me to be open with my friends and family about what He was doing. I am afraid of being wrong and how that would look, so I didn't want to say anything to people from home (for those that don't know I'm from Washington state but moved to North Carolina to teach underprivileged students a year ago) until I knew if Dusty was the one or not. God said, "Be open with them. Involve them. Allow them to join you in prayer." So I wrote an e-mail, and I knew that people were joining me in prayer and supporting me. I have amazing people in my life that love me deeply and want God's best for me, and it was a joy to involved them in how God was working in me.

Then, a godly couple that I am close to from home wrote me and told me that they felt led by the Lord to share some concerns about doctrinal differences betwen Dusty and I (things such as speaking in tongues, beliefs in being "slain in the Spirit" (you know, where people just fall over because God literally blew them away), the idea that if you ever get sick it's because you don't trust the Lord to keep you healthy, and the notion that if you say scriptures about riches then God will make you financially wealthy; I disagree with all of these things, but Dusty believes in them). I had just assumed God would change my heart, since I thought Dusty was the one, to have the same beliefs, but as I began to pray and seek God He made it clear that He has built a foundation of truth into my life for a purpose, and that if I abandoned that truth I would bring spiritual death upon myself that would grow and eventually lead to me becoming very resentful- likely, of Dusty, because I would feel as though he forced it on me (even if I chose it for myself). I don't EVER want to become that person. But, when I tried to talk to Dusty about what I believe he got defensive and starting preaching at me- not discussing things, but literally preaching at me. In his defense, he is an ordained minister and he feels that everything he believes is truth.

It became more and more clear that his expectation was for me to be the one to abandon what I believe and to adhere to his doctrine and theology. The more I prayed the more I knew that I simply cannot do that. A married couple should be in harmony on God's Word, without room for a divisive spirit to come between them. To me, this is the single-most important facet of my future marriage. You can work out selfishness and personal differences, but Christ is what unifies you and if you can't be on the same page concerning who He is and how He works then you are setting yourself up for resentment, bitterness, and, ultimately, failure.

Beyond this, God really began to minister to my heart, and to show me that I am precious. He has had His hand on me my entire life and He has special plans for me. I began to realize that Dusty, though he thought he was supportive, was really expecting me to be his cheerleader, his support, and to be caught up in God's plans for him. He does have a calling on his life, but I need someone just as excited about God's plans for my life as he is about his own. That wasn't there with Dusty.

God also- very clearly- said, "Pay attention to how he treats you, Tami. You are precious in My sight. A jewel to be treasured. You deserve a man who will fight for you, who will love you and give himself for you as Christ gave himself for the church." Literally the same day I had a conversation with Dusty in which he lashed out at me for hurting him. He basically told me I was a cold and cruel person with no concern for the feelings of others. After this conversation I prayed, and I realized that I had been wrong to say the thing I had said which had hurt him. I apologized and asked his forgiveness, and told him I was completely wrong to say what I had. He said he forgave me, but then went on to say that, essentially, I deserved what I got because that's how he reacts to being hurt. And then he told me again that I have no regard for the feelings of others.

As a reaction to this, I shared the situation with a friend. She surprised me with her strong reaction- she told me that is absolutely not who/how I am, and that it made her literally angry that anyone would ever say something like that to me, let alone the man who said he wanted to spend his life with me. Then, another incident happened in which Dusty was very self-absorbed again and basically was sarcastic and hurtful when I told him that God was laying things on my heart and that we really needed to talk.

Then, suddenly, I woke up. I realized that somehow, I- one of the strongest and most confident women I know- was becoming a girl who let her boyfriend mistreat her. Not just mistreat her, but be mean and rude to her, dehumanizing her. And I was letting him, trying to support him and show him that I cared for him and wanted to work it all out. See, I always made everything about him. How could I support him, love him, care for him, make him happy. That's how I seem to work in a relationship; and that's not bad, but only if he is equally attentive to me, and how to love, support, and care for me. But it wasn't like that with Dusty- for him, it was always about him, and it simply wasn't healthy because I realized I was setting myself up for a long life of misery if I kept on in that manner with him.

So I stood up for myself. I told him I deserved his respect, not his sarcasm, and I told him that we needed to talk. Eventually, when we did talk, I explained to him that I deserve a man that will fight for me- a man that, when he meets me, will not rest until he makes me his wife. Plus, the man I marry deserves for me to be in awe of who he is and what he does, and I knew I wasn't right for Dusty because I read a Bible study he wrote and it consistently made me uncomfortable due to what, in my heart of hearts, I believed to be false doctrine and skewed theology. He deserves a wife who will read his studies and be amazed that she could be in love with someone that could write something so wonderful- and that woman isn't me.

I know that I will be consistently in awe of who my man is. I know our idiosyncracies will at times drive each other mad- and that my habit of always saying exactly what I think won't always be refreshing- but when all is said and done, I know that I'll wake up some mornings and just stare at him, wondering how I could be so blessed as to get the privilege of building a life together with such an incredibly marvelous man. I also know that- by a true miracle- he'll feel the same way about me. Chivalrous as it may sound, he'll be the first and last one standing when it comes to defending my honor, and, like I said, he'll fight for me. He'll fight for our marriage, and for our life together.

Dusty didnt' fight. He responded by being selfish and even more hurtful when I tried to tell him how he was treating me. I realized, as I was talking to him, that we hurt the ones we love more deeply than anyone else. We're human, and it happens, no matter how much we hate it. But what matters is how we react to realizing we have hurt someone we love; that reveals whether or not we have a healthy relationship. Dusty's reaction of trying to make me feel bad, and like it was my fault since I hurt him first, showed me that he simply was wrong for me. God brought back to mind that He had told me to pay attention to how I was treated... and I came to see that I deserve much better.

Now, before you go hating this "Dusty" guy that you know exists out there somewhere, know that when we talked he admitted that he hated what he was doing. In his heart he was shutting me out and pushing me away. He did apologize, and did become very real and honest. There's more, but that's all you need to know. And for a moment I thought maybe we could make it work. But then, it came back down to the doctrine. I simply can't marry someone that I don't agree with on such an important part- the most important part- of my life. Plus, I know in my heart that he wants to stay in his life here in North Carolina. I dread the thought of never leaving here. As I said in a previous entry, I feel drawn back to the PacNW, to Seattle.

So I suppose I broke up with him. I came into the conversation with the instinct that I'd leave it a single (free!!) woman, so though it was a mutual agreement, essentially I broke up with him. I don't feel bad at all- I learned SO much, about myself and relationships in general. I was excited and blessed to see that God worked so much. Dusty... well, I don't think he's faring as well. He tried to tell me I was perfect and he couldn't have asked for a more perfect wife (save for the doctrinal differences). I think he wanted me to say that I felt the same about him, but I don't. He's a nice guy, but he's got some growing up to do, some serious soul-searching ahead, methinks.

As for me- I have never been so excited to be single! My deepest fear has been that I would marry the wrong man, that I'd fall for the first guy to show me any love, and then end up in a loveless, dead marriage someday. Seeing God work and how I reacted to this relationship- particularly, seeing that I can stand up for myself and hold out for what I know I really need and want (not to mention the ability to wait for the man God has for me)- showed me that my fear is completely unfounded. I am a strong woman of God- He has a LOT more to work on in me, mind you!!- and I can rest assured that when the right man comes along I'll seek Christ and refuse to be out of His will.

Also, just marriage in general has been like a weight lifted off my chest. I realized that I have gifts and talents- teaching, working with youth, being an inspiration and mentor to teen girls, singing- and God wants to use me to affect this world. My sole purpose is not to become a wife and mother. Not being married by 25 doesn't mean I am unlovable. When God brings a man to interrupt my life, the man that I simply can't go on without, then hallelujah. But until then, I can rejoice in my freedom and be used by my Lord to be a world changer, a history maker. I've never felt so excited in my life, honestly.

All I can say is watch out, world ;)