You have been more faithful than the morning sun; more faithful than knowing night will come

[More Faithful, Skillet]

I had the most incredible conversation with one of my students today.

Her name (not her real name) is Summer, and she stopped by around 4 because soccer's over and she just wanted to chat. We ended up talking about a lot of things, but a few stick out in particular.

For those who are close to me, you know that I had a bit of a rough time of it growing up. Multiple kinds of abuse, some level of neglect, and pretty much raising myself in a lot of ways since I was about 7. I also had some harsh church experiences- being told I'd burn in hell if not baptized, or that if I didn't speak in tongues then I wasn't saved (and one night at a camp 9-years-old me prayed desperately for three hours that I'd speak in tongues and be saved, like all the kids around me, but finally all the counselors gave up and I went to bed wondering why Jesus didn't want me)- that easily could have completely turned me away from all things Christ.

However, when I was 15 a friend kept inviting me to church. I always declined- I was fine. My life at home wasn't so great, and I was desperate for love, but I was fine. God has such perfect timing, because finally around Christmas of my sophomore year I agreed to go to youth group. It was perfect because, since it was Christmas, I knew most of the songs. This allowed people to notice my singing voice, and everyone was gushing to me about my voice. Just this small amount of love and acceptance was enough to make me want to come back. At this point, I thought I was a Christian.

Through Christ's grace I kept going to church, even though I hated it. I liked youth group on Wednesday nights but I was the kind of girl who took the voluntary math club / math class on Wednesdays, so I settled for church instead. I remember asking myself why the heck I went, but Gwen drove 40 miles every Sunday to take me, and it got me out of my fairly miserable home life (I love my parents, and I know I'm not the only teen who struggled with their family) for a few hours a week.

I eventually came to the realization that Jesus Christ loved me, ME, and died as me on the cross so that I could receive forgiveness and He could have a relationship with me. I received the gift of Life. Even still, I was desperate for love. I needed someone to make me whole, validate my existence. For as long as I can remember I always had a huge crush on one boy. In high school it was David (frosh year), then TJ (soph year), then Cody (junior year), then Tim (senior year and on into my frosh year of college), then Grayden (basically sophomore through senior years in college). I would always choose a guy that I knew would never like me back (not consciously, but on some level I knew I was doing this) because if he could somehow like me then it would REALLY validate me.

Now, despite my "crushes" (which, by senior year of high school had become "the one" from God) I made a commitment the summer before Junior year to God. I decided to not only be a virgin when I married, but also that I wanted to save ALL of myself and not date a boy (man) unless God was clearly telling me to do so. I had faith that God had "the one" for me, and that I would wait for him. I still ended up with crushes because at this point I was still searching for someone to love me and make all that I didn't like inside of me not seem so debilitating.

Throughout college, however, I was slowly able to embrace the Word of God and accept who He made me to be. It was hard for me to let go of my crush on the last guy (whom, by God's grace, is now amongst my better friends and will most likely marry one of my closest friends) because I liked Him throughout the period when I was growing so much in Christ and was sure that I couldn't have been wrong about him. But, finally, in the fall of my senior year I realized that I was wrong. I was finally able to see how NOT meant for one another we were. We make great friends, and that's God's best for us.

Now, I am in a place where I haven't liked anyone for over two and a half years. That's a REALLY long time. No one has been able to stir my heart since then. I've had silly crushes- you know, Tom Brady, Eric Kinne at Institute (T*FA thing) this summer, but they were just silliness. Tom Brady, actually, still is just silliness :) I know I won't marry them and the #1 most attractive thing about any man is his passionate pursuit of Jesus Christ. I want someone who can lead me spiritually- and I tend to be a strong woman no matter what I am doing, so he simply cannot be weak sauce. Even if he's 6'2" tall, with non-brown eyes, left handed, loves my same sports teams, can sing and melt me with his voice (especially if he plays guitar), drives a blue and brand new Acura TSX (and didn't have to go in debt to get it!), loves my music and always plays the perfect song, has a British accent, loves history, is amazing with children, has the perfect clothes, has passion for serving the poor, has a heart for short-term missions, has season tickets to Fenway park, and thinks I am the only woman in the world he ever wants to see / talk to / think about again- even if ALL that- if he's not passionately in love with Jesus Christ then he's got nothing. Jesus makes ordinary people beautiful and my man will be more than I ever dreamed to ask for.

I was able to share my testimony with Summer, and encourage her. She's seeking to be set apart for Christ at school, to love and witness to her peers around her. She's such a wonderful girl and I really want to be an encouragement and inspiration to her. She said that she doesn't want to be caught up in the pressures around her, and that she wants to live for Christ. She doesn't want to be in any relationships unless she is certain he's "the one" (her words, not mine). The words she clings to are "Good things come to those who wait". It was wonderful because I was able to tell her that no matter how impossible it may seem as she goes through the next three years of high school (she's a freshman) that in my own life I see God's faithfulness and have no doubt that, at 24, He is still ever faithful to me.

Moments like that make me so grateful I stayed the course. We watched The Patriot last week and in it the two main characters talk about the wife/mother always encouraging them to stay the course. When you know the right thing to do, no matter how weakened your resolve, never stray from it. Proverbs 23:23 says:

Buy truth, and do not sell it,
Get wisdom and instruction and understanding

The truth will always cost you something. But it's worth the price you pay, if you're willing to pay it. I have always known that God had big plans for how He wants to use me, and all that has happened in my life. I pray that I would never miss an opportunity. He is so faithful.

I can truly say that God is more faithful that the rising sun in the mornings, or of my assurance that it will set and night will follow on its heels. I have more faith in His presence, His hand in my life, than trust that tomorrow will come.

Can you say that, and mean it?