Satan's Spawn

Beloved blog reader, meet my friend, the spawn of Satan.

Spawnie, meet blog reader.

Who is this detestable reject of heaven, you ask?

Just your average, ordinary, non-spectacular, run of the mill copy machine.

In the beginning God created all things. At some point Lucifer took his sinful pride, and one-third of all the angels, to hell. At this time he began plotting how he would curse the world. He started with blocks used in the late ninth-century in the far east (China), and kept inspiring the technology until the mid-fifteenth century when Gutenberg started developing European equivalents for what was already in use in other areas (most notably Korea, India, and the Arab world).

When the first printing press was built in Venice in 1469 it was auspiciously marketed as a tool for mass production of Bibles. Oh how the world was fooled. The bright and morning star, long since fallen, could cackle at the supposed "wisdom" of man.

Today we see the full-flung effects of Satan's most effective weapon in turning otherwise decent and kind homo sapiens into wretched blackmarks of humanity. The number one target? Teachers. You ask why, but it's obvious that educators are light-years ahead of the masses in piety and all things good and even holy. Pshaw.

Daily the well-intended inspirational leaders of this world we inhabit are led astray by the Devil's contemptible quasi-antichrist. A good and pure teacher painstakingly creates lessons and activities for his/her beloved students. This same instructor arrives at the workplace early, nearly before the first yawnings of the sunrise, ready to simply produce 80 or so of their carefully wrought plans. Smiling, joyful, and all-together far too unassuming the man/woman approaches the beast.

The process is carefully followed: Carefully load the paper. Meticulously align the edges of the master to the guides on the plate so as to avoid cutting off any edges. With much tenderness enter the number of copies needed. Only after an extremely heartfelt prayer infused with both worship and petition, gently press the print button.

It is at this point that the teacher experiences Job's wife reincarnate. All copiers are of her same essence, in that they are best known for exhorting the afflicted teacher to curse God and die in the midst of adversity. Copy machines should be known as jamming machines, error machines, kick-me-and-just-maybe-you'll-get-two-copies machines, death by ink on the fingers machines. Copying is the antithesis of all actual copy machine functions.

To say "copy" machines are the bane of my existence is an understatement.

Don't even get me started on printers.