All I go through- it leads me to You

[I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real]

I had the most amazing quiet time today. I've had a lot on my mind, much of it heavy. Not all bed, per se, but heavy. I haven't heard in a couple of days how she's doing, but last word on Jamie was that her brain was still seizing two days after the big episode, so she was being sedated, amongst other serious medical problems resulting from her seizures. I'm also concerned about the choices of a close friend of mine and it hurts to see him do this, yet I can't make his choices. Two of my better TF*A friends are basically going through a break-up, and my heart is heavy for them. I talked to my mamacita (not my mother, but basically my second mom) yesterday and she had good news about how God is working in her, which is a huge praise, but even though it's happy news it's still rolling around my mind. Then there's the realization that my first year in Tea*ch for Am*erica is nearly done, and though I feel like I have forever I need to really start praying about God's intentions for me after my two year commitment to T*FA. More on that later. There are other things, too, like my students, ICN, etc. I just feel like I have a lot going on in my mind right now.

So, for whatever reason, today I really felt led to read about trust in my quiet time. I tend to prefer to read through a book (or more than one) as opposed to topical studies, but today I just felt like I needed to lay my heart open before God and ask Him to increase my trust in Him. I found this verse in Romans 15:13, NIV:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I tend to prefer either the New American Standard, the New Living Translation, or the New King James Version to the NIV, but that just happens to be the Bible I had with me (I keep them all over the place, lol- in my car, at school, on my desk in my room, next to the place I usually sit in the den, etc.) and I like the way the NIV said it best.

I pray that I would trust God, and not rely on my own understanding of things. He truly is faithful to me. My favorite line in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is when the Pevensie children are told that Aslan (who represents Christ/God) is not a tame lion. Lucy then asks if he's safe, to which Mr. Beaver replies, "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he's not safe. But he's good." C.S. Lewis exeplified a stroke of genius here, because he was right on.

No, God is not safe. He doesn't keep us in little ticky tacky houses and give us perfect utopian lives. We experience pain, disappointment, suffering, loss, and even- at times- despair. But, this reminds me of my favorite line from The Two Towers where the sentiment is that Helm's Deep will fall, and all hope has been lost. Aragorn, in a line perfectly delivered by Viggo Mortensen, says with conviction to a young boy, "There is always hope."


I pray that as I seek to trust God with all of the situations on my mind- including, in particular, Jamie and God's future plans for me- that I would not just get through but that I would overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. It was really powerful in my quiet time because I had just read John 14&15 where Jesus promised that One just like Him would come after He was gone. To think that One just like Christ lives in me is overwhelming. It really puts things in perspective.

There is always hope.

Jamie knows Christ, as does her fiance (he proposed exactly one week before her seizure last Friday). No matter what happens, I can trust that God has a perfect plan for her. Even if His choice is painful for me, I know that He's good. I have been praying extensively for her mom, whom I don't believe knows the Lord. I pray that she would respond to God in this time. I pray that Jamie's friends- and church- would, as Esther, recognize that they can respond in such a time as this to reach out to Jamie's mother. I trust that God is good.

As for my future, speaking of LOTR earlier, I wouldn't mind a palandir so that I could look and see what is to come. I suppose that's part of why if I were a hobbit, I'd be Pip. I told myself I would stay here for 5 years. I never actually asked God His opinion- it just made sense to me. Long enough, I thought, to really make a difference in an impoverished area and also to help me get as out of debt as quickly as possible. I want to be free to spend money on things other than student loans and such.

Recently it has occurred to me that rural NC is not the only place with Title I schools. I began to realize last fall that I'd really enjoy living near Seattle (and no, not JUST because of the Seahawks and Mariners... but those are both a big plus :) )or Boston (and... yes, mainly because of the Red Sox and Patriots :) ). Then, once I felt that God was saying to go home for Christmas this year (only 7 months!) I felt excitement and joy that I haven't in a long time. It's not that I am unhappy here- I love where I am right now in life- but I just miss home sometimes. Just the fact that Washington is as much "home" to me now as it was before I left speaks volumes.

I was explaining to Becca last night that, though I've lived here for nearly a year- and until the last month or so had reconciled to myself that I'd stay here for five- I still think in terms of Pacific time. When I researched plane tickets I found myself adding three hours to figure out the east coast times, as opposed to subtracting three from what's supposed to be "my" time now. I watch Grey's Anatomy and my favorite parts of the show are always when they pan over Seattle's skyline. I've known for a long time that I don't believe I'll ever live in Spokane again, but I do feel drawn to the suburbs outside of Seattle, preferably within an hour and a half of the city... which is most of the Puget Sound :) Another draw is that I've been able to reconnect with people I'll call D & J of ICN (International Children's Network) and they are really excited to work with me... I told them in my last e-mail that I don't know God's plans for me but they're more than welcome to recruit me and twist my arm to come back home and help them out after TF*A.

Of course, one thing that I always come back to is that I can't fully plan ahead. I am single, with no love interests in my life. God could plan to have me meet him next week, which would most likely interrupt any carefully made plans that I may make. Or not. This is where a palandir would really be handy. So I know that I can't exactly plan out tomorrow. But I am praying and seeking God's face for what He wants for me. Plus, I am still here for at least one more year and I will press on to the finish line, no matter what God has next for me. I just want to be in the center of His will.

Of course He's not safe. But He's good.