In only a moment truth was seen
[This Man, Jeremy Camp]
Watching Good Will Hunting has had something consistently on my mind. I was thinking, for whatever reason, about the possibility of meeting my soulmate and then losing him (i.e. him dying) while we're both still young.
There's a part where Will (Matt Damon) asks Sean (Robin Williams), basically, if he regrets meeting his wife. For anyone who hasn't seen the movie, Sean was deeply in love with his wife and losing her to cancer all but ruined him.
So I started thinking about the idea. What if I met my match, "the one", if you will, next week. We could have 3-5 wonderful, gloriously happy years together. That's long enough to be settled into our lives together, but young enough that we still feel like our entire lives are ahead of us. Then, in a tragic accident, he would die and be gone just like that.
If I, today, knew that's what would happen, would I still choose to meet him? Assuming that once I chose yes, I'd forget all about what would happen- obviously I wouldn't want to live for 5 years knowing he'd die soon. But from where I stand now, would I choose 3-5 years of insurmountable happiness only to have it all ripped from me and devastate me?
I have no idea who I'll marry, but I have no doubt that he's absolutely amazing. The kind of guy that everyone else is just like, "Where did you find him?", and, "I didn't know guys like this existed!!". I'm not saying I think I deserve someone like that. I just know he's that way. Sometimes you just know things, and this is one of those things that I just know.
Could my heart handle the excruciating pain of knowing him- loving him, being loved by him- and then losing him? Wouldn't it just be easier to just never know him? But then would it be worth it to live having never known the true love that he and I would have had?
I seriously can't stop thinking about this. I am not sure why it's so heavy on my heart. Maybe in part because of Jamie and JJ. I haven't heard any more word on how she's doing, and that's been weighing on me ever since yesterday afternoon. And maybe in part because I've never been in love and on some level it scares me to death to be that connected to someone. What if I finally find him- the only man I will have ever kissed, ever said "I love you" to, ever really known, ever given my heart to, ever loved and been loved by- and then I lose him? Like Elisabeth Elliot- she and Jim waited a LONG time to finally be together, and then with the throwing of a spear he was gone. Am I as strong as her to rely on Christ to survive- and even thrive- after that?
What about you guys? What do you think? I have an idea, but I am curious what you all have to say. For yourselves, I mean. And for me, I suppose. Most of you that read my blog loyally are either already falling in love with your "one", or you're already married to him/her. I would like your thoughts on the subject. You can reply here or e-mail me.
posted by Tam @ 2:08 PM
3 Comments:
To answer your question-- we all know we're going to lose our love someday, and we choose yes anyway.
I thought about this alot during our first year of marriage. I would make myself cry so hard just imagining not feeling his chest rise up and down under my head in the middle of the night.
Then God told me to snap the hell out of it and that he was hurt I thought he'd do something like that to me.
That made me feel better.
Of course I know Daryn's not invincible but I have to trust my Father to guard our lives and to usher in peace if/when Daryn does leave this earth. If he dies, it will be on God's terms and it won't be for nothing.
That said, I still take a moment to listen to his heart beating, to feel him breathe in the dark, late night. I try to imprint these small miracles on my mind, knowing that someday, whether it's next week or at the age of 80, I won't have the luxury to do so anymore.
What I wonder though--- is it more painful to lose a love young or old? If I lost Daryn tomorrow I would mourn our three years together, but it's only been three years, out of 24 that I've known him. I would more deeply mourn what could have been, our dreams, our children, our adventures. If I lose Daryn at 85, I will have had 65 beautiful years filled with memories, trials, joys, discoveries. . . and I can't imagine being able to function without him at that point. Undoubtedly I would chose to lose him at 85 than 25, but how would the mourning, the pain, how would it all be different? At 25 I'd be more likely to find another love---- how would Daryn fit into that picture?
Darla-
I am with you on all that you said. And you make a great point that when you commit to someone you know that you will most likely lose them someday- or they'll lose you. Sometimes I worry about my parents because they are just so comfortable with one another, and I'm not sure how they'd do if one or the other died. It's scary, the thought that I could lose my mom or dad. I don't like to think about it, to be honest.
I'll post what I've been thinking but I want to give people a little more time to respond. Thank you, though. And I think it's really precious that you sleep with your head on his chest :) It must be really hard to sleep when he's out of town.
Wow- 6 years is a long time! But I commend you for supporting him enough to let him do what he's always dreamed and not trying to bend him to your will.
I think you are right, though- recognizing that tomorrow is not a promise allows us to more effectively appreciate today. I never really thought about it that way, but I agree with you.
I do think it's been good for me to think about this as well. I talked with one of my best friends last night and one topic was this stuff. He really likes a girl and we felt so grown up and adult talking about these topics. I don't think that I would have been so serious about it all when I was 15... but at 24 it's so real. Falling in love seems exciting- it's such a leap of faith. Kind of scary, but real.
I suppose that's where life truly lies- in that which strikes a chord of fear in us, ignites exhiliration in our hearts, and is simply real, no matter how stark.
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