Broken Inside

[I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real]

Today I received word that Jamie went home to the Lord last night around midnight.

To those who have been praying, thank you. Please continue to pray for her fiance (JJ), her family, and her friends.

A fellow teacher covered my fourth block so that I could come home. On the drive home I had a wonderful conversation with a friend that knew Jamie as well; he was there last night when she passed.

I decided to watch a movie and get my mind off of things... for some ridiculous reason I chose The Butterfly Effect. Watching the director's cut of that movie when you just lost a friend is a horrible idea.

But... in a way it was a small miracle, I suppose, because somehow the floodgates were able to open. I sometimes worry about myself because I don't cry easily... I just hold it in and feel nothing. Movies and hearing about other people's pain both make me cry fairly easily, but my life just... doesn't. But today, the tears flowed. I thought I had said good-bye yesterday, and thought I was at peace with everything. But for whatever reason I just began to cry. And cry. And cry.

I can't explain it. I'm not angry at God. I really do feel such peace about Jamie. I know she's in the Lord's presence, and I agree with Paul, in that I am well pleased to know Jamie's absence from her body means her spirit is in God's presence, per II Corinthians 5:8. But still... it hurts. I just hurts. So I went out by the water and cried.

The tears, the wind, the water, the sun, and the occasional bird reminded me that life is a gift. A precious gift. Jamie was only 23. We can never assume we have tomorrow. I am reminded of a wonderful song by Joy Williams called Every Moment. I want to share the lyrics here.

We laughed out loud ‘til we cried
And the tears were sweet
Midnight melted to morning
A moment faded to memory
All these days
They just slip away through our fingers
So…

CHORUS
Don’t let go
Hold onto every moment
Always know
Hold onto every moment that You can

We move on with no regrets to our destiny
Held by the hands of the Father
We share His love and He leads us through
All these days
They just slip away through our fingers
So…

CHORUS

Running through yesterday into tomorrow
Don’t let it just drift away
Forget about tying the hands of time
Give every minute to the One who gave us today

CHORUS

I recommend you go buy it- iTunes or what have you. I only hope that I would continually remember to live out its message.