On fire, burning up, in these mysteries...

... You're a mystery

[On Fire, Switchfoot]


This is, quite possibly, one of the best songs ever written.

I received an e-mail a couple of hours ago telling me that my friend Jamie is not expected to live through the night.

The friend gave me his phone number in the e-mail and I went out to the dock to call him. After we hung up I just stood there for awhile, watching the sunset. The air was still, and the water gently rippled, reflecting the pinks, purples, and oranges of the setting sun. And I kept standing there, on the upper deck, leaning over the edge, gazing out. Just... alive.

When Nick's e-mail came, iTunes had chosen to play Consuming Fire by Third Day.

Our God- He is a consuming fire and the flames burn down deep in my soul.
Yes, our God, He is a consuming fire and He reaches inside
and He melts down this cold heart of stone.

I thought of how, after a decision on my part my junior year of college to put some necessary space into an unhealthy relationship, I kind of lost touch with Jamie. I never stopped caring, but I created some healthy distance that ended up causing us to lose touch. Then, after two and a half years, I felt prompted to give her a call a couple of months ago.

Since then we've talked a little in quick e-mails. She included me on her list of close friends that she let know about her engagement on Cinco de Mayo. I still have an e-mail in my inbox that I haven't archived yet because I need... needed... to reply.

When a friend first told me Saturday that she was in the hospital, I never assumed it was this serious. I envisioned her surrounded by friends and family, nervously laughing about how extreme her latest "weird feeling" was (that's what she called the mini-seizures she would sometimes have). Not essentially comatose and covered in wires and tubes... it all seems like something from a movie.

So I stood on the dock, grateful that God encouraged me to pick up the phone (or flip open the cell, I suppose) and call. I am thankful that I chose to obey, and though it's selfish, I feel a peace about not having to live with the regret of always wishing I had called when God prompted. I praised Him for preparing me this morning in His word to trust Him, to rest in His mysteries.


There were some tears. I'm not really one to cry extensively, so they were quiet and simply slipped off my cheeks and into the lake. I thought about when she and I were close- we spent time together almost every day in the fall of our Freshman year of college. She actually transferred to Whitworth as a result of spending so much time there wtih me.

I thought of those days when she had to pay me a dollar everytime she cussed. I had to pay her a dollar everytime I started to talk about the guy from her hometown that I was making myself get over. I smiled thinking of our drives to Seattle, singing at the top of our lungs in her little silver Mazda Protege. Those trips home with her caused me to begin to fall in love with the landscape and climate of western Washington.

I recalled the awkwardness of getting frustrated with her, and basically calling her dumb because she got lost coming to my dorm for like the 20th time on a trip that included- literally- four turns. That's when she told me about her childhood bike accident that caused severe brain trauma. She never felt "normal" after that, struggling to remember simple things, having to study ten times as much as she had before the accident, and occasionally having "weird feelings", or mini-seizures that tended to last anywhere from a few seconds to a minute or two.

Most of all, though, I rejoiced for her. Nick said almost exactly the conclusion I came to about loving and losing someone. If indeed she never wakes up, and there is no tomorrow on Earth for her, she was deliriously happy for the last week. She was so in love with JJ. I only hope he can embrace that. Her last days were filled with love and joy, mostly because of him. He allowed her to finally feel normal.

And then I envied her. She has a relationship with Jesus Christ, and I don't doubt for one second that she is going home to Him.

I'm listening to Take this Life by one of my favorite Christian artists, Shawn McDonald, and it's making me feel emotional again. But it's precious, because whenever that moment comes that Jamie does pass from this world to the Spirit world- no matter when God's timing is- I know that she will be whole- never again to go through the darkness of depression, no more struggling with her frustration at not being able to remember things, not one more weird feeling. Just completion in Christ.

It still all seems so surreal. We're still so young. Just kids in so many ways.

I choose to rest in the supremacy of God. Of course He's not safe- but He's good.

This one's for you, Jamie.