Time to face the truth

Travelling reveals the truth in a person.

Tear away the mundane daily life, the extravagant moments, the hopes and desires for what could be, and go somewhere. See different places, new people, the great and the small. Then, set yourself on the road home.

I completely revamped my facebook profile tonight. Here's what I wrote for part of it, in the About Me section:

Te*ach for Ame*rica...
What I am doing is totally necessary and worthwhile (teaching impoverished, majority African-American, and tragically undereducated students) but can I do this forever? Is it totally selfish and wrong to admit that what I really want is to settle with my middle-class husband and 2.5 kids in the suburbs someday? With someday being preferably sooner than later?

And I really meant it. Being in upstate NY, and now Cleveland, is showing me that I am not really happy with my NC life. Miserable? No. But I am not sure that the five years at WC*HS thing is going to work. I'm aiming for three right now. And maybe next year (or next semester even) I will fall in love with my life. But I dread the thought of getting in Becca's car on Saturday and going back there. And it's not just because I think I need to be filthy rich and not have to work ; )

The fact is, whenever I went on a trip my favorite part was always going home, and no matter how amazing the trip was (and let's admit, I've had some incredible ones) I always loved getting back to Spokane. That stretch where, if you are on I-90 headed east, you first go start the descent into Spokane with the city laid out before you always gave me a warm comfort inside and I could rest knowing I was home.

Now, the truth I have to face is that I don't feel that way about NC. Is being there a mistake? No. This time in my life has it's purpose and I have no regrets. But it's not home. Nor is the issue going back to Spokane- that's not what I sense is the answer either. The pull to New England is ever stronger. Probably because the Lord's plan for me is to marry Tom Brady I jest... but in all seriousness, this trip has been a revelation.

I have looked truth in the eyes and beheld both its beauty and its scars. From here I can only pray and trust my God to make clear the path before me as the days unfold into months and years. Facing the truth was easy. Now it's simply how to live it out. Many decisions lie in wait...

Run, Forrest, run!!

It's Thursday. It's 11 a.m. That means that two hours I will be FREE LIKE A BIRD! I am supposed to stay until 2 but Becca and I have to haul in the kayaks, put the Christmas tree outside, and I have to finish up packing. So at 1 I am heading out :)

We're watching Forrest Gump. I love this movie. Some parts are heartbreaking (Pretty much everything in Jenny's life, and Lt. Dan, and Bubba), and much of it's unrealistic, but it's a good movie.

So... I have had sickness problems with my stomach, and general body aches (headaches, sore muscles, etc) but I haven't had a cold since last spring. Guess who is definitely getting sick right now, with the stuffy nose and constant sneezing and coughing? Yeah. Bite me.
On that note, I just want to say Merry Christmas! In the words of *Nsync

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays

New York, here I come!!

Tomorrow comes, sorrow becomes his soulmate

Check it:

Only five more "get ups" until Christmas break- yay! School's much better than the last few weeks were, but I still have no problem with a ten day break. Then I only have two weeks of school before another week off, and during that week Sharon is coming for four days! I can't believe her two years in Siberia have gone by so quickly. I am such a different person from when she left, yet I feel closer to her now than when we were roommates. I love how that works out when the Lord is involved in your life.

Since I am a slacker, here's a cut and paste update with minor modifications:

Ok, new commitment. Instead of talking about what's frustrating or what annoys me, like getting blown off by my principal because he's too busy to do his job, I am going to focus on what's good. What's positive? What can I celebrate? What can I give praise for? What brings me joy? How can I bring, or how have I brought, joy to the world around me?

So... praise: I have dug deep and found new energy for teaching. No more giving them work and sitting at my desk. The whole period I am in charge and involved. No more removing myself. Yesterday we tried something I am calling "Stop and Go". Instead of saying "Read pages 121-133 and answer all 15 questions, including how you got your answer" and then sitting at my desk grading papers I am doing this: The workbook gives 3-4 paragraphs of text, then asks 1-3 higher order thinking questions (This means they have to grasp the info and analyze it to get an answer, instead of just going back and copying the sentence or definition of something, if that makes any sense). So anyway, I give them about 5 minutes to work with 1-2 other people, reading the page and discussing the question and the text. Then we come back together as a whole, I ask what answer they got (it's multiple choice), and make people explain their answer. Then I ask clarifying questions from the text to make them explain the concepts and material to me. Then we go onto the next page. It worked SO well, and they get it better. Plus I don't feel like a crappy teacher.

Wednesday night I went to a Bible study with other teachers (T*FA) from the high school here, and then one teaching middle school in Hender*son. The 6 of us (all female- I LOVE all female Bible studies- so much more honesty and freedom than when guys are around) discussed Ephesians 6 and I was incredibly blessed to find that all of them are serious about knowing and following Christ. It was such a blessing. I was very encouraged and am excited to keep going. I am also more serious about keeping my own spiritual life straight. Honestly, I have let school sort of take over. It was so refreshing to just enjoy the Lord, and dig into His word with others who love Him.

Also, today is day 4, and I have stuck to my 1,800 calories. I didn't walk last night because it was raining like crazy. One of the girls in the Bible study, Melinda, offered to walk around the school with me (our school's huge, so... ) since it's too cold outstide and the weather bites. I want to try and do some DDR and use weights to tone. And, crazy enough, it actually sounds appealing to do so. I actually want to eat right and exercise. When you just want to lose weight it's ridiculously hard, but when you want to actually do the steps required to losing weight it's easier. I can't wait for my clothes to start getting loose!

So... I am teaching better, getting right with my relationship with Christ, eating well and exercising, and you know what?

I feel so much better about life. Actually, better than I have felt in a long, long, LONG time.

To that I say a hearty "Praise Jesus!".

Tis the season, right?

*sigh*

I feel kind of like a jerk.

The roommates went out tonight and got a tree. They asked if I was ok with it, and I said sure. I don't have a problem with it. I just struggle to get hyped about Christmas.

I am not one of those Christians that doesn't "do" Christmas. I just feel drained during the season. It feels like it has nothing to do with Jesus anymore. When you're a kid it's all right because you look forward to presents, but as an adult it's hard. I see a nation where it's politically incorrect to say "Merry Christmas" and everything's about the "Holidays" and the "Season".

Not to mention that it's hard to get excited about a season that's all about family when mine's 3,000 miles away. And even if I somehow got lots of great presents that can't replace the meaning of being at home with the family. I don't mean to say that I am not grateful for the chance to go Becca's (a roomie from upstate NY) and I am so blessed that her family would welcome in a stranger. It's just hard to get excited about a "season" that has nothing to do with my Lord's birth especially when I can't share it with my own family.

I look forward to having my own family some day. We can still enjoy decorating and presents and cookies, but the holiday will be solidly based on how the Lord and Master of our home came into the world. He won't be the afterthought, or the one pushed to the backburner. He'll be at the forefront and the gifts and such will be extras. But for now I'll try to tell my roommates that the tree is really pretty, and even let myself enjoy it. I am sure it will be pretty enough. And it already smells nice.

I just hope they don't ask me to pay for it ;)

Beauty from ashes

So my life isn't quite ashes, but last week I took some more pictures outside out of respect for the beauty surrounding my home. I'll post a whole bunch of them. I have to ask you to forgive me... there's a lot of the neighbor's dock, but I just love the way it looks :) Some are of my own dock, and all are taken out behind my house with a simple Olympus 3.1 megapixel camera. Each picture has a little caption beneath it.
























This is our dock. I just love the way the chair looks, like it's waiting for someone.
















This is our dock from farther away, taken from our deck, actually.

















I love the way the trees look so majestic, rising over the way the world pauses at sunset.



















Doesn't it feel like the world goes on forever?



















Once again, this feels like it goes on forever, as though the dock is a launching pad into Neverland.



















Simplicity. Beautiful.



















I know it's very similar to that first one I posted a couple weeks ago, but I love the way the colors seem to chase each other into a lazy, yawning nap.



















The darkness in this one, with subtle hues seeping through, enraptures me and I could stare for hours!




Once again, I love the darkness but what makes this picture one of my favorite is the way the lights streak onto the water, like they're in a race to our back yard.

She must and shall go free

Today is better. New days (particularly new days that start with an F, an R, and and I) seem to alleviate the previous day's frustrations. The fact is, I can't change the system overnight. The fact is, schools don't want to lose their money. The fact is, test scores matter.

The problem, really, doesn't start with my school officials. It begins with the legislation. No child left behind is actually in many ways a good idea in theory because there IS a huge education gap and our educational system serves some well while shutting out others.

That said... it's not the middle- and high- class schools that are in danger of closing due to test scores. I wish I had statistics, but I have no doubt that many of the nation's most impoverished schools are those under the pressure. When I student taught (in a fairly wealthy Spokane suburban school district) the teachers were stressing that only about 75% of our students were passing the big test (in Washington it's called the WASL). Here, we don't even have 40% passing. I don't think the solution is to say, "Pass tests or else."

The solution is in equipping schools to provide quality educations to children. Getting quality teachers and administrators into the struggling schools. At the end of the day, while poverty is a factor in learning, it's mainly an excuse. Inner-city kids can still be high achievers despite the gangs, the drugs, the crime, etc. Same with rural students. But let's be honest- I am a decent teacher. Great? Not now, though I hope to be. But if the decent teachers get chased out of these schools, how do they ever expect to attract and keep great ones? And money isn't the only solution. Though we already make among the lowest starting teacher salaries in the nation where I am, the fact is that they could offer more money here but the system is so frustrating that it would be a lot easier to teach for less in a better district. The irony, though, is that those better districts probably pay better.

Anyway... I appreciate T*FA for their efforts, and I am glad to be a part of the movement. But there is a lot of work to be done. I am up to it, but there will probably be more days every bit as frustrating (if not more than) yesterday. Here's to the long haul.

And, for added emphasis, guess who came by at the end of first period? You guessed it. The curricu*lum speci*alist. Her question?

"So are you giving the History test Monday?"

I know. Ridiculous, right?

I just replied, "Yes." What else was there to say?

Oh, the irony.

Lessons learned, lessons learned.

Jaded... complicated...

So I was starting to feel ok. Like things were getting better. Less frustrated with things. Just a fraction less tired. I was feeling like I could get through the next two weeks and I felt good that we're actually doing ok- I have three more weeks of instructional time before we review like crazy for three days and then take the E*OC (En*d of Cour*se test... aka the big deal test scores that the state bases school performance, and thus how much money they give us, on). This is perfect because I have three more objectives to hit on and we're doing all right cramming one in per week (for example all of WWI was an objective (8), the 20's and 30's is "Prosperity and D*epression" (9), and next week WWII is objective (10).)

So I should be feeling good, right? My kids are driving me slightly less crazy. I have been able to cram in the 50+ terms and the 20 "main ideas" of the 20's and 30's in this week. I have been busting my you-know-what all week to get this stupid 13 and a half weeks test done (it's a ton of work because I had to cut and paste- literally- up old tests to get 100 questions by carefully choosing the best ones, then copy that, then match up the objectives to each question (though the other USH teacher did half), then physically white out all the numbers and write in 1-100, then copy that, then go through for each question and type up a study guide... ugh. It took for-ev-ver.). But despite all that work, it's done. I turned it into our person the school uses to cover their you-know whats in the event of lame test scores again this year curric*ulum spec*ialist, and was all set to give it next Friday, by somehow cramming all of WWII into four days on Monday through Thursday.

So then I see the curric*ulum spec*ialist who stops me to make sure I turned in the test. This was only 30 minutes after she essentially reamed me because we weren't working "be*ll to be*ll", because it was the last 4 minutes of class and most kids weren't working. We had just finished going over their study guides and they were supposed to be studying, and I tried to explain that we had done the corrections differently this time and it went faster than I expected, and they were supposed to be studying but I didn't have time to be going around getting them on task because I had all sorts of business I was supposed to be taking care of with some of them (for example, giving back an assignment done incorrectly before grading it so they had a chance to do it right, but I had to re-explain how to do it right). So she mentioned she had been in once before where they weren't working right up until the bell. Her reason for why this is important? Not, "I am worried that they aren't maximizing class time to learn all the information." No. It was, "Because you know, if a LE*APP team member (the state te*am that's basically checking up on us to see if we need an actual assigned st*ate team next year to get our test scores up) comes and sees that... well, we just need to be working be*ll to be*ll in case they come in."

Yeah. Nice motives.

So then, off that tangent, when I later saw her she got my test out of her box (I was making copies in the mailroom) she started to get worked up because the objectives weren't written next to each problem and I pointed out that I had typed them up (all 100) and stapled it to the back. Then she asked when I am giving it. I said I would give out the study guide tomorrow and give the test next Friday.

"Oh...", she says. "Well, you're supposed to give it by the 14th."
"Right," I reply, "Isn't Friday the 14th?"
"No, I think it's Thursday [she goes and gets a calendar]. Oh, no, it's Wednesday."
"I honestly thought it was Friday. I really can't give it before then because it's not fair to give it to them Monday before they've had time to study [I am a realist. Maybe 15% will study over the weekend], and I can't give it in the middle of the week because we'll be studying WWII and it would really mess with their learning to learn WWII for two days, then take a huge stressful test, then review for a WWII test and take it afterward."
"Oh. Well... when's Ms. Sm*ith [the other USH teacher] giving it?"
"I don't know."
"Oh. Well I guess I'll have to talk to her... oh, well she's out... maybe...[incoherent mumbling to herself]."
"Well, it really works best to give it Friday. I'm so sorry that I didn't realize that Wednesday is the 14th, but I want them to have the time to study for it and really know the information. Plus, it honestly would just really mess them up to give it in the middle of a different unit."
"Oh. Well... that will work then."
***This isn't to mention the part of the conversation where she didn't know if the scantron (like in college, where you fill in bubbles and a machine then grades and collects data on tests... saves HOURS of time) is fixed yet even though I was promised a month ago that she was told by the principal to physically go to a store and buy one if need be. Yeah. Nice, huh?

So Friday it was. No big deal. So then she comes to my classroom, where I am trying to get going on the stack of 500 papers that need to be graded and entered by Monday (and I refuse to take them home over the weekend. Simply refuse.) but she seems to think this is a good time to engage in conversation.

"Well, it's just not going to work to give the test on Friday, " she says. "Your window is through the 14th."
I say nothing. I am clearly frustrated.
"Um. Do you know when Ms. Sm*ith is giving hers?"
"No. I don't know."
"Oh. Because you're supposed to give them on the same day. Um, so you don't know what day she's giving hers?"
"No. I didn't even realize the deadline for all this was coming up, so she came to me and asked when we could get together to make the test but there weren't any times that both of us could do it so I told her to just give me her materials and I would make it. We didn't discuss when we'd give it."
"Oh. Well, in your department meeting, I remember, you all decided as a department to give it the ninth."
"I don't remember that."
"Oh. Well, your department... I remember, I was there. It was... well, I think... well because the math department is behind and they haven't reached all their objectives but they have benchmarks [tests that the county makes up for the teachers to give, so that the teachers have to focus on objectives and not just teach to the test. It's a really good idea, actually. But they don't do it for history. Nice again, huh? And their idea for getting this for history? For us to come in and the summer and write them ourselves [we'd get a stipend, but still]] and Friday is ok for them but you said... well, your department... well I think you... You just have to give it by the 14th. So can you give it Wednesday?"
"No. That won't work."
"Oh. Well why were you giving it Friday? Are you behind?"
"No. But we're studying WWII and it's not going to work to stop in the middle of the week and try to give a test and then go back to what we were doing."
"Oh. Well do you know when Ms. Sm*ith is giving it?"
[I am starting to get exasperated. I was already frustrated. Now I started to get that cold edge in my voice when I am really ticked.] "No. I don't know when she's giving hers. I haven't seen her."
"Oh. So you have to give it by Wednesday. That's the window. So can you give it Tuesday or Wednesday?."
"No. It will only work to give it Monday or Friday. That gives the kids no chance to make sure they understand the material with me, but since you changed your mind about Friday I will give it Monday."
"Oh. Well, you can give it in the middle of the week so they have more time."
"I'll give it Monday. I'm not going to confuse them by giving it in the middle of a different unit."
"Oh. Well do you know if Ms. Sm*ith is going to give it Monday."
"No. I don't know when she's going to give it."
"Oh. Well ok then."

And I sat there in silence and she left. I was seething inside and I know I had a bit of an attitude with her but I was flat out angry. And no, you didn't accidentally scroll up to the first conversation- she just asked me the same questions 52 frieking times.

I am so... ugh. Now I know why teachers get fed up and quit. Pair that with kids in third period telling me that if you can't make money off of something it's not valuable (therefore to them the vast majority of history is of zero value so they don't want know why they have to know it. Education for the purpose of education is worthless to them. I know that happens all the time but today was not the day to tell me this.) Plus, whether my kids value their education or not the fact is I care that they get a good one. Yet the school only cares about getting our test scores up for the sake of not getting in trouble from the state, not because of what is best for actual student learning.

So much for my eternal optimism. If finances weren't a factor at this point (I could not pay the bills if I had no job)I don't know that I would want to come back next semester, let alone next year. Good thing I have never quit on any major commitments before. I am not a quitter. But still.

Is the problem the actual circumstances or my attitude?

All these truths can sometimes be deceiving

This is about two weeks old but I have been wrestling with it ever since:

Some days are harder than others.

I work relentlessly to teach my students compassion, to get them to a place where they are willing to spend a moment in someone else's skin, to see through their eyes. To understand why a person in the absolute pit of desperate poverty in Mexico would want to illegally come to the US, work under the table, have no insurance, pay no taxes, and either bring their family here or send money home. Is this right? I am not here to answer that. What I DO want is for my kids to see through another's eyes, to develop a level of empathy and compassion. I am not here to deliver answers, rather to mold the minds that find answers on their own.

My kids, however, only see through an extremely opaque and egocentric lens. The doors of America should be shut to everyone unless they are "Asian and coming to be a doctor or make society better". Money should not be sent to tsunami, earthquake, hurricane, or AIDS relief if it's for another country. All money should be spent on Americans, and every American should have as much money as possible.

My kids espouse their hatred of racism yet talk about Mexicans (their favorite target) in a way that reveals in clarity how inferior they are perceived to be. (Remember, 70 of 79 students I teach are Black) They blame everyone but themselves for the inability to get a job. Everything is always everyone else's fault. Literally, it's the white people. It's the fact that their daddy and his family never went to college so why should they try in school. Everyone's out to get them. (These were all literally said in my class today, and have been said in the past numerous times.)

The same ones that cannot afford $6 a week to buy lunches daily wear $100 Air Forces (shoes), $80 jeans, expensive name brand shirts and jackets...Nelly's Apple Bottoms and Kimora Lee Simmons' Baby Phat make bank off these kids, among other costly clothing lines. Plus they tote $60 monthly cell phone plans, lots of bling (faux or not), and their families all have cable. One "impoverished" student has a mother spending $1100 a month on car payments for her and her brother, plus paying for insurance and gas. Yet they don't have $25 a month for lunch. Not when the government will give it for free.

So tell me the difference between that and a Mexican immigrant who comes illegally and drives up costs due to not paying taxes and not getting insurance, since the government will take care of them if it comes right down to it. Why spend the money if you can get away with not spending it? I see no difference. My kids say the difference is that they are Americans and thus it's ok. It's ok to lie, cheat, and steal from the government as long as you're a citizen.

It all makes me sick.

Am I bridging the education gap? My kids are learning history, sure. Their reading skills are improving some, yeah. They analyze and think critically on levels that statistically they should not be able to.

But is knowledge without compassion true education?

Since posting that (it was on my other blog... I am a two-timing blogger, I can't lie) I have come to this conclusion:

Compassion cannot be taught. It can only be learned.