When the lights go down and there's nothing left to be

[When the Lights Go Down, Faith Hill]

I love short weeks. Monday was a teacher workday, so two full days of work means that tomorrow is Thursday and not Wednesday.

Can I get A-MEN!!

I just have to say that I absolutely love American Idol. Simon can tend to be rather negative, I won't lie. But I think the producers tell him to do that for kicks (and ratings). I just love listening to amazing singers. Because I am just that cool, so far here are my faves:

Gals
Mandisa
Kellie Pickler
Paris

Guys
Elliot
Ace
Taylor
Chris

I won't lie... Elliot, Taylor, and Chris I love because of their voices. Ace... he makes me melt. Last year I never understood the whole Constantine sexy eyes thing. With Ace, I totally get it :) Plus, he has a pretty decent voice.

Other than that... just trying to stay awake in the day and enjoy life until the weekend. I don't really get a weekend because I have a training on Saturday from 8:30-3:30 (But I get a hundred bucks, yay!) and then Sunday's church and if I get invited home to my pastor's fam's house then I won't probably get home til like 4. That's all right though. I'm gonna try to get a ton of work done Saturday so that I can enjoy Sunday!

Is anyone watching this Carolina/State game? (For you non-North Carolinians Carolina vs. State equals UNC-Chapel Hill vs. NC State) It's awesome! I really need sleep but it's such a good game! I love living here... I doubt most of the country has this game televised but it's local for me ;) You know that's real.

Ok... off to print progress reports and tear myself away from the game so I can get a decent night's sleep. Leave love!

She keeps on buzzing just like neon

[Neon, John Mayer]

Due to the high traffic my blog gets from people that are searching for song lyrics, I am going to start putting the name and artist at the beginning of my entries, just like I did above.

Yesterday I went to Raleighwood for a training. It was actually a little more encouraging than I expected. I found out that only 15% of my kids passed the state test. Now, this said test was really hard, but I still was shocked because traditionally students only needed to get like a 60% to pass with a level 3.

Much to my quasi-joy I found out that they had to score an 84% to score a 3. EIGHTY-FOUR PERCENT just to pass. How the state came up with that ridiculously high scale, I don't know, but that's why only like ten of my kids passed. If the standard was still 60% to pass then I would have had 90% of my kids with threes and fours. 90%! Even if you get more stringent and make it 70% to pass with a three then 74% of my kids, considered to be some of the lowest in the state, would have passed.

The reason I feel better is, obviously, because my kids did all right, but also these scores won't be counted this year until the state realigns their standards for a three. 85% is ridiculous- in every other subject that's a level 4, the highest possible score. Social Studies is one of the hardest tests, too, because like English it is heavily focused on reading comprehension and my kids read at an average of a 5th or 6th grade level. With science and math kids are mostly tested on if they get the information, but my test really is assessing if they can read or not, and not necessarily if they "get" the content that they learned in my class.

So, though I drove home in tears Monday (primarily because of my heartache in having to tell my kids that they essentially failed, and then in part because I was extremely mistreated by another staff member) I am much better now.

That said, I have a lot of papers to grade because I was gone yesterday and I'd really like to get a ton done during my planning!

Dios le vendiga.

Disarm you with a smile

So there's this teacher at my school that I think is absolutely the cutest guy ever. He has completely different values (think utterly anti-establishment and has a problem with authority) but he's still essentially a Hottie with a capital H on purpose.

This morning when I got to school I was saying hi to everyone in the halls, doing my normal smiling routine. When I saw him, the same smile stayed on my face and I said a bright and cheery, "Good morning."

His eyes looked red and blurry, his posture screamed "Exhaustion!", and not even the promise of Friday seemed to put happiness into his weary demeanor.

But then I happened. Smile on my face, joy in my voice, full of life. I said two simple, but genuinely heartfelt words. And then...

The man's face lit up. Completely lit up.

That's nice with anyone, to know you put a little joy in their life, albeit for a brief moment. But when his gorgeous face shines bright it's absolutely worth it.

Two amazing things:

1) You'll never guess who broke up with his girlfriend.

2) Read this amazing quote by my lovely friend Darla in an e-mail to me:

"Sex is way overrated- it's LOVE that we really need to save for our spouses, and love is what makes sex good.

I'm not saying go have loveless sex, but it's even more important not to have a promiscuous heart."

Is that truth, or is that truth?

Awake in the infinite cold

I have this problem.

You see, I am a planner. I like to know what's coming. I know, I know- it's utterly hypocritical since I wrote that whole entry about actually living the moment and not just always looking for the next big thing.

But... I am committed to T*FA for two years. I would like to stay more, for a plethora of reasons running the gamut from selfish to selfless. On the "me" end, it would behoove me to stay for 5 years and get 1/4 of my student loans completely forgiven. There's also the possibility of my school considering paying for master's degrees for T*FA teachers who commit to stay for x-number of years. In this equation rumor has it that the x is equivalent to 5. That is in response to the problem of great teachers coming in, working for two years, and then leaving, setting the school back at square one when it comes to whatever that teacher taught.

That very reason is on the "others" end of my scale. You see, I love these kids. They are full of so much potential and I want to see them overcome their circumstances and excell in life. Plus, if the goal of TF*A is the long-term solution of closing the education gap between the haves and have-nots in this country, then great teachers that move on to a more "comfortable" life setting isn't really helping. [Ok, that's a huge can of worms, because some people go into other sectors and still serve the have-nots, such as health and law, the political sphere, etc. Nonetheless... some just move on to a comfortable little upper-middle class lifestyle and the education gap continually widens. I fear becoming the latter.]

But, because I am honest to a fault... the fact is that if I stay here for 5 years then I will be 28 and a half when I finish. Nearly 28 and three-quarters. My life goal has long been to marry and raise godly offspring, with career a distant second. I live in the middle-of-nowhere'sville and I just don't foresee meeting "him" here. I can't count that out, of course, because maybe he's in my area somewhere. But the pickin's here are slim, and I absolutely refuse to meet "him" on the internet if I can help it. I always intended to be married for at least 3 years before having children, so that means even if I moved and met the guy immediately upon arrival to Boston or Seattle (currently the two places I'd like to live... and likely still to be what I want when I do move on from N*C) then you have to assume we wouldn't get married for at least a year. So then if I got pregnant exactly 3 years later I'd be almost 33. Yikes. I don't want to have babies in my mid- to late-thirties.

So these are the things that run through my head. The good news is that, despite being the absolutely detail oriented overanalyzer that I can tend to be, I am gently reminded that I am not in charge of my life. My Christ has a plan for me that I can't see. As Brendo pointed out there is a chance that I could meet someone and be married in a year, though I least expect it. Once again, however, these things are towards the front of my plate this week and thus I tell you about it.

Feel free to tell me I am a nutso and that 30 isn't old. I'll remind you that you're wrong, but we'll still be friends.

Super Bowl of a Steaming Pile

Ok. After a couple of days to allow my frustration to settle, if not slightly dissipate, I am ready to post an entry on my feelings about the Super Bowl.

I'll keep it simple. Seattle fans are absolutely furious with the officials. Pittsburgh is complaining because everyone is "cheapening" their win. The vast majority of football fans, regardless of who their team was, admit that the officiating was absolutely ridiculous.

The fact is, it's not fair. Numerous columnists at ESPN.com and SI.com (Sports Illustrated) have written about how obviously one-sided the calls were. No one, not even the most rabid Steelers fan, could rewatch that game and not admit that, indeed, there were unfair calls, all aimed at Seattle (who, btw, had I think the second-lowest number of penalties/penalty yards in the entire NFL up to the Super Bowl). Every time Seattle had a big play it was somehow being called back on a questionable flag. Seattle fans had little to celebrate after the second quarter. Joe Young stated on ESPN after the game that Seattle got beat by 15 men on the field, not 11. Four were clearly wearing zebra stripes.

(Note: Some fans gripe about the location, the fact that 90% of the crowd was pro-Pitt because it was 300 miles from Pitt and that it wasn't neutral, especially since it's Jerome Bettis' hometown. But the site is decided way ahead of time and Pittsburgh just got lucky. So that's a moot point)

One person (who didn't really care which team won) wrote on ESPN.com that in the second quarter they had a terrible feeling that Seattle simply wouldn't win the game no matter what they did. Another wrote that the refs should have just handed Jerome Bettis the trophy when he came out of the tunnel and not even bothered with the whole "play a football game" idea. Numerous neutral fans across the nation have rallied to say the Seahawks were absolutely robbed.

Let's be honest- the Locklear holding call? No holding there. The Hasselbeck below-the-waist block call? Um, hello, professional men in the black and white stripes get paid big bucks to recognize the difference between a block and a tackle. There were others, but is anyone surprised that the offensive pass interference call (the biggest bunch of bologna ever) was made by a ref whose hometown is PITTSBURGH??? Are you kidding me? Does no one stop to check these things? I would be the first to say if a ref had been from Seattle to not let them officiate the game. Duh.

So... yes, we were "absolutely robbed". That said... we also missed opportunities. We didn't do a good job of working the clock in the fourth quarter. Hasselbeck ran one of the worst two-minute drills I have ever seen and he had a few passes throughout the game that were overthrown (not to mention the crazy ridiculous interception). Stevens not only dropped like four crucial passes but once clearly ran the wrong route. We let a hole open up one time that allowed for a 75 yard run because the D-line clearly didn't meet their blocking assignments. That said, though, we still played a better game that Pitt. We simply couldn't overcome the bad calls. And even though they were bad calls and absolutely atrocious, we still should have capitalized on more opportunities and overcome them.

Finally, I have to say that really we all lose in this situation. Seattle fans are downright enraged and demoralized all at once. Pittsburgh's victory will forever be tainted as "the one the refs handed them" and they will have to listen to everyone tell them they didn't really win fair and square. And the rest of the country had to put up with a terrible game. Seattle (the actual team) has a lot to overcome to not carry a chip on their shoulder into next season. That said, however, I am so proud of them for carrying their heads high and not whining. Remember all the Joey Porter junk-talk after the Steelers flipped out and said that refs were trying to hand the game to Indianapolis? You won't see that from the 'Hawks. They won't sink to that level and our calls were far worse than the controversial Randle El call.

(Note: If I hear "one for the thumb" one more time I will seriously jump off a cliff. Has anyone else noticed that when Roethlisberger has a good game you don't hear about the thumb, but as soon as he does the typical "Big Ben Crumbling Under Pressure" bit it's because of his hurting thumb? Mmm-hmm. Worst winning quarterback rating EVER. So take that, you money-hungry, shaving- endorsement-craving sellout.)

So... I am such a tool, because this almost made me cry, but go check this out:

Why the Seahawks rock your face off

It's all about 12.

Seahawk love.

P.S. The Seahawks are far favored in the odds for next season over Pitt, sandwiched between #1 Indy and #3 Pats. Suck it, Steelers! So my top three fave teams are the top three favorites for next year, though I only like Indy because of David Letterman and Peyton Manning :)

But Indy is classy (usually, though Peyton let his mouth run a little this year post-Pitt loss) and I respect that. But I love the Pats and the 'Hawks, so I can't wait until August!!

You don't know how long I have waited

So last season on American Idol (the first one I really watched) I liked Carrie Underwood from her audition. I actually liked her from the commercials they showed of her audition long before her episode ever aired.

My favorite Carrie song was when she sang Alone by Heart. I was alive in the 80's (well, starting towards the end of '81) and I vaguely remember their songs. Hearing Carrie sing Alone certainly wasn't my first time, but she rocked it so well that I fell in love with the song.

It came on my DJ (the Dell equivalent of an iPod) this morning as I was driving to school and I heard a part that I had never thought about before, yet it sums up my feelings exactly:

Til now, I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
But now it chills me to the bone

I posted something along these lines awhile back, but I have never had a boyfriend. I had the whole sixth-grade "We're going out" and never talk to each other experience, but nothing really since I was old enough to have an actual relationship involving real emotions (not to mention physical experiences). A lot of people think it's utterly insane, but really, I am ok. Better than ok- I can honestly say that I love who I am. Like your average woman I'd like to eat healthier and take better care of my body, read more books, fall more in love with Jesus, be a more dependable friend, and to overall just become a better at loving people. But overall, I like who I am. How many people can honestly say that there's no one else in the world they'd rather be?

With that said, I am all the more reminded that I am content with life now. But someday I know I will meet that guy that makes me realize I never really cared about being alone until he happened. Then the thought of life without him will seem cold and empty. In my youth, brimming with foolishness (yes, even as recently as two years ago), I thought I had met "the one" once or twice and staked much of my life on convincing him that I was amazing and all he ever needed or wanted. Yet looking back neither of those guys could ever hold a candle to all that I know my man will be.

It's still a fun msytery to me... will he be funny? I sure hope so. But will it be dry wit? Sarcastic but charming? Will he be tall? I REALLY hope so. At least 6'2" ;) What kind of music will he like? Will he think I am funny? Ok, that one's ridiculous because everyone knows I am hilarious. What will his spiritual gifts be? Will he love sports? Well, he has to. That's a requirement. I could never be with a guy whose dream date doesn't include something along the lines of watching the game, be it at home or live in an arena/on a field/ in a stadium, whatever. But will he be able to sing? What kind of father will he be? What color will his eyes be? Will he be the kind of guy that everyone loves, or more aloof? I am pretty sure he'll be the former because I just can't see myself with a guy that's not more amiable and gregarious than I am... though I suppose that's tough to match ;) I think he'll be the kind that's comfortable enough in his own skin to always put people at ease, to just relax in his company. Not necessarily raucous like me!

Anyway... that's a fun game. I assume he's alive, being that if he's not I will be 24 years his senior. Ewww! I am all about the five-year rule- he has to be within either five over or five under, so he can range from current ages of 19-29. Tom Brady barely makes the cut on that one! He'll be 29 in August. I hate that I know that. Not really. Anyway, still... I am excited for the day when I can look him in his eyes and say, "You know, I always did all right, just me and God. It never really mattered that much that I was, in essence, alone. Then I met you and knew that you were him, "the one", my ineffable joy. I have not been, and never will be, the same again. I love you, baby."

I hope his love language is words of affirmation because I'll be all over that ;) In case you are like, "What the h is a love language?", other than the name itself being semi self-explanatory, check this out: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Ok. This was mushy, right? I know. But it was on my mind, and since it's my blog... well, you get the idea. So there you have it.

P.S. Glycerine by Bush = another good song

Crashing like a tidal wave

Do you find yourself always looking forward to something? Maybe you woke up this morning thinking, "LOST and American Idol tonight!" (then you were crushed when you found out LOST is a ANOTHER STINKING RERUN). Perhaps you thought, "Hump day! Only two more get-ups til the weekend!". Then the bigger picture... if you have some Seahawks love then it's fair to assume you are thinking about the big game on Sunday. The win a week and a half ago was nice, but that's done. Now we're just getting through the next 4 days, right?

I spent most of my life this way, always looking forward to the "next big thing". Our society is partially responsible for this. We grow up excited to finally start school. Can't wait to lose our first tooth. Then, school itself isn't enough and we want to be the oldest in our school. Then of course, we don't really enjoy sixth grade for the sake of sixth grade- we're too excited to get to go on to middle school. Then it's high school. Then, of course, it's just about not being freshmen. Then getting a license, going to our first prom, turning 18 and being able to vote (or smoke cigarettes legally). Leaving for college, or at least getting out of the parents' house. Then it's 21, being able to drink (legally), go to Vegas and play slots, whatever.

Next we "can't wait" to finish college and join the "real world" out there. Of course we then expect to make the big bucks and find 'the one' and settle down. Have babies. Hear their first word. See them walk for the first time. Get potty trained. Start pre-school... that's when the cycle starts all over and each "next big thing" is wrapped up in our kids. We still have some of our own, right? Getting our first "brand new" car. First house. Better brand new car. Bigger and better house in a safer neighborhood. The fastest, shiniest, smallest, best new gadgets. Retirement. Winters in Arizona.

Why is it so hard to enjoy the moment? This, right now? Even Christians fall prey. We try to enjoy God right now, but we "can't wait" for so-and-so to get saved. Sitting on the edge of our seats to see someone overcome their strongholds. All wrapped up in how great it will be when we ourselves overcome certain areas of addiction. But we miss the here and now, the process. What a beautiful thing to be a part of the process of someone coming to know Jesus Christ, seeing their worldview be transformed, watching as they metamorphisize. What an amazing experience to walk with someone through that dark valley of shadows, to savor the sweetness when they emerge victorious. And the exhilaration of ourselves finding that we have stepped out of the gauntlet? It's incapable of being described by words.

If we could stop waiting for the next big thing and enjoy the process we might actually get to relish the results. Otherwise, all we dreamed becomes reality but we're too caught up in expectation of what might be next.

I, for one, am done with that way of living. Care to join me?