Letting of my pain and all my fears

[Letting Go, Jeremy Camp]

So the roomies (Bec, Jen, and Liz) and I just watched Never Been Kissed. You know, dorky dweeby Drew Barrymore goes back to high school and falls in love with her teacher, Michael Vartan.

If ever I question maturing in the last 10 or so years (Frick. I just realized that ten years ago I was graduating eighth grade and gearing up to start high school. Kill me now.) I need only to remember my reaction to the movie today. Ok, so I don't question whether I've grown up since I was 14, but... it sounded nice to say.

I digress... so, I realized about 20 minutes into the movie that my feelings about the Josie/teacher relationship are WAAAAAAYYYYYYY different. When I first saw the movie as a Junior in high school I was, 1) in love with Mr. Coulson, and 2) caught up in how beautiful and romantic the progressing relationship was.

Watching the movie today as a teacher? I was FUH-REAKED out. I understand the whole "Well, she's actually 25 and he sees her soul and is trying to not let himself fall for her...' argument, but nonetheless- to the best of his knowledge, she's 17 and his student. End of story. I just can't get over the fact that he's her teacher, no matter how "soul connected" they are. Watching it as a teacher I was, 1) ok, still sort of in love with Mr. Coulson, but 2) totally ill over the WRONG WRONG WRONGNESS of the progressing relationship.

I pointed out how skeeved out I was and everytime there were scenes with Coulson giving Josie "that look" all four of us would audibly show our disgust. It's still a really cute movie but I don't think it'll ever be the same for me again.

Ok... people are over from the boys' house (plus others) upstairs for dinner so I should leave my cave of a room and be social- my laptop's still not fixed, so to access the net I have to use my desktop. It's a 2 year old Dell, yet it feels so antiquated. Regardless of it's age, it removes me from our guests, so... upstairs I go. But I just had to share my story with y'all. Feel free to leave your thoughts.

So all your words get noticed

[Brand New Day, Forty Foot Echo]

Today was nice. I woke up with a nasty headache (sometimes I swear I have a brain tumor) right behind my eyes, especially my right eye. I tried to get up, but sitting up sent a huge wave of pain through my entire head that rippled down to my toes.

So... I stayed in bed til almost noon. Then I showered, read my book (A Time to Kill- I first read it early in high school but it's amazing and I highly recommend it) out on the balcony and listened to the ocean (and froze my "honky tonk badonkadonk" off), went to a meeting, chilled with friends, and went out with friends (they got drinks, I had water and watched the NFL draft- Go Seahawks and Patriots!!).

Yesterday I won tickets as a door prize to this Crystal Coast Jamboree thing. It was... interesting. Jenny and I went, and it was like country music heaven. Except I don't really like country music. There were a lot of old people there. That should tell you about what it was like. So we went to dinner. I had prime rib for the first time- yum! But there was SO much food... we both left with the majority of our food still leftover and yet ate a ton. 'Twas lovely.

I will share some pics of our good times when I get home. For now just play pretend.

One last thing... so, someone from Waltham, MA keeps showing up on my site meter. It says you're getting on from Brandeis University. You're a total rock star because you use Firefox, ps. My site meter is a little bit like a stalkerazzi tool, sorry. But I am just curious who you are. In a perfect world you'd be Tom Brady and in love with me because of my glorious wit and way with words, plotting how you're going to make me your wife ;). In reality you're probably some bored college student who wants to make fun of me. But if you read this, could you go back to an old entry and leave a comment telling me who you are? I'm sane and normal (well, mostly) and I'd love to make a new friend from New England (because if you read this enough you know I love it!!). So come on out, let's make nice and be friends :)

TOO FUNNY

These are my favorite Jack Handy quotes from SNL*:


1--One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

2--When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

I can't stop laughing.

Literally.

Can't.

Stop.

Laughing.

*If you don't know what SNL is then stop reading my blog because I don't like you.

Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious!!

Just one more day - one more day

[A Little More, Skillet]

Two things:

1) I have a conference this weekend for new teachers at the beach. It will be my first time seeing the actual Atlantic Ocean (well, I saw it when I went to Boston from plane, but that doesn't count). I've seen/been to the Gulf of Mexico along most of the Gulf Coast, and I've seen/been to the Caribbean from Honduras, but not the actual, technical Atlantic Ocean. So this will be happy :)

2) I have recently been able to really get in better touch with a friend named Melissa. Our moms were pregnant with us together and were best friends then, so we were raised pretty much like sisters. She's amazing and I was disheartened that we totally fell out of touch in college. But in the last few months we've been able to really reconnect.

I mentioned (ok, overanalyzed- come on, this is ME we're talking about. Long-winded, detail oriented, and analytical sometimes to a fault) how interesting it was that we were so competitive and such when we were younger. It was spurred in a lot of ways from being raised so close and being like sisters. I said her name at 18 months old :) But I was always trying to be smarter and better at things than her, and vice versa. She always beat me in the smart department- the woman is brilliant!

Anyway, she wrote something back that was up there for the most meaningful things anyone has ever said to me, and I want to share it with y'all.

I was always so jealous of the friends you had - you had/have so much natural energy and sparkle and charisma that people were/are drawn to you. (As a side note, I can't wait to see/hear about which wonderful guy is pulled in by those God-given traits and vows he must make you his wife.)

It meant tons even without the part about the guy at the end- just the part about energy/sparkle/charisma smarted my eyes a little. What meaningful words. It really blessed me.

I actually have to add a third thing here, since I was thinking about how I AM so stinking analytical. So...

3) There's this guy that I had a huge crush on in high school (and a bit of my frosh year of college before I wisened up and let go) and I had pretty much forgotten that he existed, to be honest. Then I stumbled across him on myspace, and I always admired him as a friend regardless of my foolish heart in those days. I was so excited and added him as a friend and sent him a big, "Oh, happy day!!" message.

Presumptuous me assumed he'd be just as amped and add me / write back right away. I am that way with people that I haven't seen for 5-6 years because it's just so exciting to me to hear where they're at in life now. But... he didn't respond. Hasn't yet. It's been a few days. So then I, of course, overanalyze.

"Is he just really busy? Maybe just doesn't have time to respond fully so he's putting it off until he can?" "Maybe he doesn't actually recognize me and thinks I am some random psycho pretending to know him... it does say I live in North Carolina now... that is probably pretty misleading." "Oh, I bet he is just like 'She was so annoying when she had a crush on me- NO WAY am I picking up contact with her.' " "He probably just is like, 'Oh, yeah. That girl. Um... I'll get around to it.'" "Maybe it's the whole, 'Don't seem to desperate for friends and add her right away. Like the whole never-answer-the-phone-on-the-first-ring thing.' Oh, or maybe it's the don't-seem-too-into-myspace thing, like you have nothing better to do with your life than be on the internet."

Honestly. Can I just NOT BE A TOOL FOR ONCE? He was a fun guy. I'd love to reconnect. If not, why be so ridiculously retarded about the whole thing? If he writes back, wonderful. If not, my life was perfectly fine until I came across his profile so I am sure I'll still be perfectly fine. It's not like I don't have a quadrillion friends that I keep up with from home already, not to mention everyone here (and not to mention my students!). So hopefully I will just let it go.

Here's to hope, eh? If not, I seriously am going to join overanalyzers anonymous. I'm sure Brittney and/or Becca know where the good meetings are.

"My name is Tami Hii'mawesome and I am an overanalyzer."

Together we sing; everyone sing

[Holy is the Lord, Chris Tomlin]

I thought about it.

I realized that everyday I am in the valley, working with those in need of assistance before they can climb the mountain of success. Yeah, that was cheesy. I know. But it's true.

I actually like working in the trenches. Currently, the thought of teaching [predominantly white] kids in the suburbs, 12 steps ahead of my own students, literally makes my stomach turn. And it breaks my heart. So many of my kids dream of college and stable lives, out of poverty. I can't tell you how many of them wrote something to the effect of "I don't want my own children to live through what I have had to" in their "In Ten Years" papers.

Snap. Tears and Rain just came on my Windows Media playlist and I feel a little emotional. That's ok. I was thinking about Lilly*. Remember the entry about the girl forced to have an abortion? If not, go read it here. In her Ten Years paper she wrote that she hopes her mom is still alive then and that Lilly would be able to see her sometimes, that her dad is really happy wherever he is, and that she can live near her brothers and sisters because she never gets to see them. People that have totally and completely broken her heart are people she desires to be happy.

Amazing. On my myspace page I list my students under "Heroes". I meant it.

Today first period got the April incentive (a DDR/Karaoke/Dessert party) for having the highest percentage of A's & B's and the highest percentage averaging over 80% on the weekly quizzes. Then, in third and fourth blocks I let them play for about 20 minutes, to get a taste of how fun it is so it might inspire them more to earn the party at the end of May.

They loved karaoke, except they were mad that I kept beating them. "It's not fair Ms. T*K-- You can sing." And- I wish there was a way to make you able to hear this-- "uh-OH- Ms. T*K can siiii-iiing." lol... They're fun :)

My absolute favorite moment was when I said to David, who has a very DEEEEEEEP voice, "I bet you're a bass. Something just tells me that." In his low rumble he replied, "In ninth grade I was a tenor." All of us just busted UP. It was so funny... I wish you could have been there. He's a sophomore, so I guess a lot can change in a year. But Summer told me that he was singing MJ's Beat It, and got up there pretty high, so... more power to him :)

Ok. Enough gushing about my beloved students. I want to share some pictures of them with you. The fist three are from first period, the second three from third period, and the last four from fourth period.

If you click on the pic you can look at a bigger sample. And if you pay close attention you can see stuff around my classroom. Some unlazy day I'll put up some pics of my actual classroom, but... not today.










































































Ok, does that last one not just make you want to bust out laughing? I can't even remember what was so funny but that's the perfect picture.

I absolutely adore them. They each are so precious, both to me and their God. This weekend is Prom... if you are a Christian, please pray for them.

*All of my students' names are always changed for the protection of their identities.

Laying all these questions down- You've answered what I need

[Restored, Jeremy Camp]

Today as I was driving home I was thinking three things:

1) I love the rain

2) I hate it when people go FORTY MILES PER HOUR IN A FIFTY-FIVE ZONE (don't worry- I passed them and there was no road rage involved. Though I did pass on the double yellow line. But I know my rural Warr*en County roads puh-retty darn well.)

3) I need to stop talking/writing/thinking about love and marriage. There's a lot more to life and someday I will wish I was single, 24, and out to conquer the world again.

So then I got home, popped onto someone's blog (some guy that's in the middle of major roommate drama. Fun to read.) and he had a site posted that features a photo gallery from Chernobyl. Today is the 20 year anniversary. As I looked through the photos it took me back to last Tuesday when I was at the Holocaust Museum in DC. Heavy stuff. Take the time to pause and go through this. Remember the suffering that exists in our world:

http://www.pixelpress.org/chernobyl/index.html

I was perusing through old entries of mine and one started with stuff about how I cried and was in absolute shock... it was about Gonzaga losing in the Sweet 16. Granted, I do love them... but come on. Today I shared with my kids a few snippets of the horrors of the Holocaust, like in The Sunflower where the German recounts his story of burning down the building with the Jews inside, and then the soldiers shooting anyone that tried to escape through a window. The people whose job was to cut the gold out of victims' teeth and to search body cavities for any valuables. Those are only two examples of the thousands of images I have in my head after taking my Holocaust and Genocide class at Whitworth.

So to cry and lie in my bed in grief over basketball is absolutely ridiculous in comparison. Sometimes I suck. Nonetheless... hopefully we'll see less lameness and more focus in my entries. And my thoughts.

It's so wonderful just to be here now

[Open Skies, David Crowder Band]

Well helloooooo Wednesday! It's not even hump day for me because I am going to a conference for first year teachers in Atlantic Beach this weekend and I get Friday off! I am pretty sure we don't have to be there until like 7 and I totally don't need the day off but they offered it so I'm taking it!

Plus all of my roommates will be gone tonight at a free Guster concert at Duke (Guster=luh-ame in my book, so I am not going) and I'll have the house all to myself :) Happy day. Just as long as they don't wake me up when they get in at one!

PLUS there's a SAVE/SADD assembly today in the gym- 9th and 10th during first period, 11th and 12th during second. Since I have all 9th graders first period and second period planning I just have to go be a teacher presence from 10:45-11:10 (plus check in my 11th graders uber fast in homeroom; the little five minute time after first period, and send them off) in the gym. So from 8-10:45 I get SUPER LONG PLANNING! YAY! Normally having a morning planning means you get screwed out of it ALL THE TIME but for once that's not true.
EDIT: Ok, nevermind. It's 8:50 and they just sent everyone back. After they said that they'd hold all 9th and 10th graders until the end of first period. Seriously... idiots. Absolute idiots. Sooo... good thing we have about 30 minutes of the movie left.

Ok. Off of why I am having such a lovely day. I wanted to say this in yesterday's post but absolutely forgot. One reason I was thinking about love and marriage and stuff was because of my students. Over spring break last week their assignment was a 150-word paper on what they want their lives to look like in ten years. They had to address ideal careers (and not just say, "I want to be rich."), whether they had gone to or were in college, where they hope to live, their ideal family set-up, etc.

The papers were fun to read. One really interesting thing I noticed was that the majority of my kids want to be married. The majority of my students are black and most of them, sadly, do fall into the stereotype of being raised by either by a single mother or their grandmother. Yet about 90% said they want to be married. I want that for them, too, and it breaks my heart to know that statistically speaking it will be rare for it to happen. I pondered this and wondered where the breakdown comes- how do they know what they want and yet settle for something so far from it? The numbers are over 90% for females that have a baby in their teens and then never get out of poverty. And you have to assume that most of the 10% that don't stay in poverty are the 18&19 year olds that are already out of school, maybe even married.

The biggest thing that prompted my thoughts about lasting love was what one of my students said. It was something along the lines of, "As for marriage, I am not sure. It seems like too much to ask in today's world to find someone that I could spend the rest of my life with." He put it a little more poignantly than that because he's a pretty decent writer, but my heart kind of broke inside when I read that.

He's an absolutely amazing kid and I am so excited to get the privilege of coming alongside him (and his family) to help spur him onto success post-high school. He's so mature for his age and is surrounded by the silliness that often permeates high school (not to mention foolishness) so maybe here he feels like he could never find someone. Plus, he's a child of divorce so maybe that's why he feels like love can't last a lifetime. I hope he someday will meet a woman who will change that perception.

Nonetheless, I wrote on his paper, "No, it's not too much to ask. It just requires patience." I think one reason that the breakdown of family values happens here is because so many of these kids are from broken homes so they jump too fast and too hard into these relationships begging for someone to love them and validate them. Isn't that what we all want? At the core we have some level of assumption that if even one person can just love us totally and unconditionally then we can rest in knowing we really are special, important, and most of all loved.

In I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real says:

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then cool is just how far we have to fall
And I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth
I need to confess
I'm not alright
I'm broken inside- broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to You
Leads me to You

At the end of the day, that's what it all comes down to- we're desperate to impress, hoping that somehow it will get us that love which heals our broken hearts. Yet the point is that our Maker, the God of all, allows us to feel that deep need because all we go through is meant to send us into His arms. To rest in His love. In this I have peace. For this reason I am patient to wait on love, not overly concerned that I won't find it in this world.

I have experienced agape love- perfect, holy love- from Jesus Christ and in that I can rest. I pray for the same for my students.

You found me when no one else was looking-

- How did you know just where I would be?

[You Found Me, Kelly Clarkson]

I've heard this song a few times, and it's a catchy tune, but I never really listened to it. At some point today I actually paid attention to the lyrics.

I made a commitment to wait on God for His timing to have a relationship when I was 16. At times it hasn't been easy. As I've said before, I've never been in love. I hear the songs, see the movies, observe the friends, all oozing love and love lost and I sing along, wait expectantly for the moment when they realize they're in love, and provide the words of encouragement and sometimes the shoulder to cry on but I have no idea what falling/being in love actually feels like.

To be fair, I have never met the right guy. And I am not worried about meeting someone. Some may scoff, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the One who formed me and has walked with me through my life has someone in the wings, but it's not time yet for him to walk out onto the stage and into the spotlight of my life. Nevermind the cynics who say maybe God's plan for me isn't marriage- it is, I have no doubt, but life is about timing and mine's not here. I'm perfectly fine with that.

Today I was talking with one of my best friends from high school (by some act of grace I have been able to reconnect with some of those friends, especially these two incredible women, and for that I extremely grateful) via a great e-mail relay, and memories flooded back. I remember when she and I would talk about that Great Love which we knew awaited us. We were sure that, if we laid our desires before Christ and truly sought Him, one day we'd end up in a marriage in which we'd continually fall deeper and deeper in love. Our life partner. Soulmate. Nothing is more beautiful than the old man that looks across a room full of people and the most beautiful woman in his line of sight is his equally aged wife of his youth. The sparkle in his eye means far more than a few great nights in bed when they were young (and, don't get me wrong- we all know how much I am looking forward to THAT.)

My parents have that. Granted, they aren't Christians, but they have been blessed with great love. My mom has lost a ton of weight, and I remember how my dad (who's pretty handsome) would go up behind her in the kitchen (or laundry room or living room or yard...), put his arms around her, whisper in her ear, and make sure she knew that she was not only the most beautiful woman in the world but the only one he wanted- even when she was very heavy. In some ways I couldn't understand it- of all the women he could have had, he chose someone that by the world's standards wasn't up to par. Or was far beyond it, as the case may be. Yet, she had something that no other woman had- she was his match. Their 20 year anniversary is next March. (He's my stepdad, ps.)

I'm waiting for that. The one that finds me when no one else is looking. The one who sees what no one else sees. I want to be the woman who comes alongside her man and is not only his helpmate, but his greatest encourager and supporter. I don't want to question his decisions or try to manipulate and demasculinize him (is that even a word? meh.) or do any of those annoying wife things. It will be work, because I've been my own support system since I was about 6 years old. Entirely trusting someone else will be a process, but when that day comes I look forward to the death to self I will experience.

I'll end with what I just wrote to the one I call my "darling" (her name's Darla and my nickname for her used as a joke a couple of times back in high school just stuck.) Plus, because I'm me, I'll throw in a little something else as well.

Remember our talks when we held fast to the idea of falling in love with someone that we will wake up next to at 50 and say, "God, how did I find him? And how am I the woman he loves?", all the while knowing that by some miracle he feels the same way about us? I firmly believe it's absolutely possible. When Christ is at the center of your marriage you will still experience your rough patches, but I trust that in 25 years (frick, we're old!) you will find that no man in the world could ever be him, and that he's all that you want or need.

As for my own man, baby, you're welcome to find me. Until then, you can trust me to stay in the center of our Lord's will for my life. You're worth waiting for.

I'm not alright

[I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real]

Last night my stomach was killing me.

This morning it still clearly was engaged in a battle to the death with, seemingly, all other internal organs.

In the shower for some dang reason I started thinking about this new mayo that I bought. It smelled really bad and it made the tuna that I mixed up smell like feet. I just assumed it was because it's reduced fat.

These thoughts caused me to get violently ill.

I went to school anyway.

I went to tell the head softball coach that I didn't think I'd be able to go to today's game, and as I tried to tell her about how just the thought of that nasty mayonnaise made my stomach turn my eyes started watering and my gag reflex literally caused me to choke on my own words before I could get anywhere. At least she could tell I wasn't lying. Even now thinking of that mayonnaise makes my beyond empty stomach churn like when they open the gates at Grand Coulee Dam.

I tried hard to convince myself that I could make it through the day. But... there was just no way. So I found a teacher with third, and one with fourth, period planning to cover my class. We've been watching The Patriot, anyway, so it's not hard core for the sub. I still spent over an hour writing stuff out to ensure it all goes over smooth... well, hopefully. I am way too controlling of my classroom. I just hate to not be in there with my kids if I can help it.

Now I am going to go set up residence on the couch, finish up the first season of the Laguna Beach DVD's, and then start Entourage season 1.

Netflix is fan-freaking-tastic.

Midnight melted to morning; a moment faded to memory

[Every Moment, Joy Williams]

I'm home!

For the first time since I've lived in North Carolina, returning from a trip truly felt like coming home. That's a good feeling to have. I feel pretty settled into who I am, and my purpose in being here. I feel, too, like I am finally doing what it takes to teach well. That said... tomorrow we're watching The Patriot, but that's because we're learning about revolutions against European domination of the 17th-19th centuries.

I absolutely loved Boston (I really wouldn't mind living there, or in the general vicinity 0f, someday.) but I realized that toward the end of the trip I was starting to have a rebellious spirit against being dragged around to meet all of Becca's family and friends. I couldn't figure out why since I loved getting to catch up with her cousin and I absolutely adored her aunt that I met. All of her friends were really nice and fun, and I enjoyed the opportunity to meet them.

Today, driving home, it hit me- I was right when I knew that the problem had nothing to do with them. The problem was that on some level I was just tired of being introduced to and hanging out with someone else's friends and family because I would really love to be with my own friends and family.

This all came together because there's a pretty real possibility that I'll be able to go home for Christmas this year. Tickets are actually reasonably affordable and by then all of my abroad friends that will return to Spokane will be home. There are other reasons (possible weddings, seeing the newborn child of a friend, etc) but overall I started to get really excited about the prospect of going home. I didn't really realize how much I miss it until I could foresee a possible return. And now I am REALLY excited. So long as it's affordable to do both I will probably go even if the possible wedding doesn't happen until next spring, or what have you.

So yay for friends and family. Yay for vacations, but also yay for finally enjoying being exactly where I am. As much as I want to know what will happen in my future (How long will I stay here in NC? Where will I end up after that? Will I ever meet that man that I can't live without?) I am fully content to be exactly where- and who- I am in this moment. Praise God for that.

All of that said... it's 11 and I have to get up at six. Shoot me now, right?

Hate me not

The roommate and her college friends are playing cribbage. I have no problem with that, but I've nothing better to do since the couch is my bed (uh, and by that I mean the only better thing than this that I could do is sleep) so here's this survey.

1. Where were you when the ball dropped for 2006?
Sleeping in my bed. We (Becca and I) had driven home from Cleveland that day and I was tired.

2. How did you get the idea for your profile name?
From the Jeremy Camp song Stay. He says, "Come on now stay, right here in the light so that you won't walk away." It's meant to be like the Lord telling His child to rest in Him, stay put, trust in His truth, and don't deter from His plan.

3. What song are you playing now, or wish you were?
Well, now I wish I were listening to Stay, by Jeremy Camp. Big surprise, huh?

4. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
Yeah. Like watching the Grammy's or something where they talk about the person's legacy. Or for some reason, when Kirby Puckett died. Sports figures count as celebrities, right?

5. What color underwear are you wearing?
Yellow

6. Do you want a baby?
Tomorrow, no. Any time in the relatively near future, no. Someday when I have been married for a little while, yes. Multiple babies.

7. What did you do this morning?
Woke up around 9:30, showered and dressed and such, went to downtown Boston and went on a duck tour. Fell in love with our duck tour guide.

8. What does your dad do for a living?
Head maintenance supervisor for F***** County Community Services.

9. Where do you work?
Wa*rr*en Cou*nty High School

10. What are your plans for the weekend?
Friday night - That's tonight. We went to dinner at Lisa's parents house in... Hingham, or something like that.
Saturday - Not entirely sure. There's an invite out to dinner with Ben's parents, but Becca and I are also supposed to meet up with her aunt and uncle. My requirements are that I need to have some authentic New England Clam Chowdah and I've never had lobster so what better place than here in Beantown? (I know the origin of that name now- in the days of the Puritans they couldn't cook anything on Sundays and baked beans hold heat well, so they'd leave them simmering all day on weekends and when foreign sailors would come into the harbor (hahr-bah) it would smell of the beans. Thus, Beantown.)
Sunday - Chill morning, I assume. Fly home.

11. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number?
home: 27; cell: 19

12. What was the last concert you attended?
Uh... wow. I used to go to concerts all the time... maybe Third Day/Toby Mac/Warren Barfield like two years ago.

13. Who was with you?
I wanna say Melanie. And we met up with Rachael because her dad had the... uh, sweet suite.

14. What was the last movie you watched?
Actually, I think it was Ice Age 2 with Becca at the theater.

15. Who do you dislike at the moment?
How sore my legs are from walking all the time all week.

16. What food do you crave right now?
Authentic New England Clam Chowdah

17. Did you dream last night?
Yes. All humans always dream. I just don't remember mine.

18. What was the last TV show you watched?
That 70's show. Apollo 13's on in the background right now.

19. What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
My Chinese symbol necklace that means "faith" from Hong Kong.

20. What is to the left of you?
An end table with a lamp and a whole bunch of Lisa's stuff (keys, credit/debit cards, empty glass, cell phone, etc.)

21. What was the last thing you ate?
A piece of Godiva chocolate

22. ???

23. Who last IM'd you?
Good question. I get tons so I can't remember.

24. Are you on any medication?
Nope.

25. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
My bed's a twin, so... the middle. In a bigger bed, I tend to go left.

26. What color shirt are you wearing?
A Red Sox hoodie! Dark blue, with Red Sox in the traditional red outlined in white letters (sewn on kind... what's the official word for that?)and then the pair of red sox to the left of the hands pouch.

27. What color is your razor?
aquamarine and white... traditional Venus razor.

28. What is your favorite frozen treat?
Godiva chocolate cheesecake ice cream. Or Coldstone. But they don't have those in rural NC. They really don't have much of anything in rural NC...

29. How many tattoos/piercings do you have?
Two holes in each earlobe.

30. What's your favorite store?
Costco, by far. Then, electronics stores like Best Buy and such.

31. Are you thirsty right now?
Yes, actually.

32. Can you imagine yourself ever getting married?
Sort of. I do essentially plan on it for someday, but I've never been in love nor have I met anyone I could see myself in love with so I can't really envision myself actually married.

33. Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss?
Pretty much everyone from home. My family, Sharon, Shiona, Rachael, Melanie, Kathy, Brendon, Clinton, all of em.

34. What did you do last night?
Watched the Red Sox game in a bar across the street from Fenway while the actual game was played in the park. It was AWESOME.

35. Do you care what people think about you?
Yes and no. Like anyone, I want to be loved and valued, but at the same time I won't change who I am to make that happen. This is me, take it or leave it. I'm always seeking to grow and be a better friend, teacher, mentor, daughter, sister, roommate, etc, but still... that doesn't involve completely changing who I am.

36. Have you ever done something to instigate trouble?
I am sure I must have at some point. Nothing comes to mind though.

37. Do you like your ears?
Mostly. I think they're just a smidge too big, and the left lobe is thicker than the right.

38. What color is your bedroom?
The walls are plain old cream. Not my choice. But my bedspread is pink and brown and olive green and my pictures are black and white.

39. When was the last time you worked out?
Intentional working out was forever ago playing DDR, but unintentionally I've been getting tons of exercise walking all around Boston and DC this week.

40. What are your font colors on AIM?
I dunno. I change them all the time.

41. Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?
My mom, aunts, grandma's, etc. My cousin and I experimented kissing when we were little, but other than that, never like an actual KISS kiss to a female.

42. where do u live?
On Lake Gas*ton in NC

43. Are you an aggressive driver?
To the extent of intentionally irking others, no. To look out for myself, like passing people and stuff, yes.

44. Who is your cell phone carrier?
Verizon

45. Do you like the person who posted this last?
Yeah. She's fun to work with and a great "sixth roommate".

46. What is across the room from you?
A fireplace with candles set up inside. Some DVD's and such on the matle, and a big painting of a flower.

47. What is the biggest thing you'd want to change about yourself?
My weight. Needs to be less. I never let people take pictures of me because I hate the way I look.

49. What do you smell like right now?
My hoodie smells new still. I just got it yesterday.

50. What is your favorite color?
Pretty much any variation of blue. Pink's all right, too. I tend to prefer the lighter, icier shades.

I heart Boston!

Hello from Boston! Well, Somerville to be more specific. Tonight we watched the Red Sox game at Cask'n'Flagon (or some variation of spelling format there) right next to Fenway! It was awesome. Then we walk ONE MILLION MILES to catch the T at Park Station. After walking literally for 9 hours nearly nonstop in DC on Tuesday walking all night wasn't my idea of a great time but it was actually a pretty nice walk. Perfect cool night air. And we walked through Boston Commons which was beautiful.

Today Bec and I actually didn't do a ton. We basically went to the mall (albeit unintentionally) and Fenway. Tomorrow we're going on a Duck Tour- I am unashamed to say I am super excited for it! I want to do the Freedom Trail but my feet and legs are killing me from walking 200 million miles in the last two days. But I'm not complaining- I've been losing weight and I definitely haven't been eating according to my healthy routine for the last coupla days since I've been travelling. So walking for an hour tonight was a good thing :)

I love watching people on the T. There's the couple clearly dreading the stop when she gets off and he rides on to his own separate exit. The young teenagers who go to the very front of the cab because it's obviously the cool part. The guy that stares at me. The people who avoid eye contact. The masses of Red Sox fans, in full team garb, making their way home, still fairly exuberant despite the loss.

My personal favorite was the man who clearly was my soul mate. He was at the T station taking random pictures- the "Do Not Enter" sign on broken stairs, down the dark trainless tunnel. On the subway he was listening to an ipod, tap-tap-tapping his feet to what must have been an incredible song with his beautiful black shoes at the end of perfectly worn blue jeans, leading up to his gray hoodie with the hood on his head. He took some random pictures on the train, like of the little reader board that tells you what the next stop is in flashing red letters. Only he took the picture when there weren't any red letters to proclaim the stop. He did, however, get off at our stop, at Davis Square. So maybe if I lived here someday I would run into him again. Hopefully I'll be cuter then.

Time will tell.

On one last note, being here makes me wish I lived here. I couldn't help but watch the bands of friends in their Red Sox gear hanging out together loving life and wish that I lived here with my own band of Sox buddies, just going out to the game to enjoy each other and our team.

So will I end up here someday? I dunno. Once again...

Time will tell.

Forget the urgency but hurry up and wait

[Look After You, The Fray]

I don't have a super long time because I am supposed to be working hard from 3-5 so that I can pack at 5, load up Bec's car, and be ready to leave for Washington, DC by 6. It's 3:16 and all I've done is open a lesson plan that I need to alter :) Such is life. We should be back by 6 or 7 at the very latest on Sunday so I'd have plenty of time to work, but... still. I can enjoy the trip more if my work is done.

So here's my Spring Break game plan:

Tonight:
Drive to DC

Tomorrow:
Sleep in a bit (til like 8 or 9)
Meet up with Jenny and her mom to walk around and see all the sights in DC, taking a
gazillion pictures
Around dinner time meet up with Bec to eat and then watch her college's play

Wednesday:
Go to the Holocaust museum with Bec in the morning
Drive down to Richmond, VA from DC
Fly to Boston!

Thursday-Saturday:
Do whatever we feel like around Boston. Will definitely include going by Fenway park, walking the Freedom Trail (I think that's what it's called- it's all the cool stuff from the Revolution), eating lobster for the first time, etc.

Sunday:
Probably do something cool in the morning, fly back to Richmond around 1pm I think
Drive back home from Richmond
See the roommates and swap Spring Break stories :)

So that's the agenda... I am excited. Just gotta get some work done now :) Leave love, huh? I probably won't have internet access over break so it would be happy to come home to all sorts of loving left by y'all to welcome me back!

-TK

PS I had a wonderful Easter yesterday with Becca and my pastor's family. It was nice to just eat good food and chill and have fellowship. God is good, and faithful. I hope you all were blessed and enjoyed your holiday as well.

PPS Clint- we also had broccoli. It was scrumptious.

Going on with you gone still upsets me

[What Hurts the Most, Rascal Flatts]

I am one of those people that when an idea gets into my head it has to happen. It will. Always does.

With T*FA I just knew from the first time I heard of it that it was right for me. That I'd be accepted and that I'd end up on the east coast. I didn't know until after the fact that it's a difficult program to get into. Last year of 17,000+ applicants only 2,500 were accepted. Maybe had I known that I wouldn't have been so confident. But I just knew it was right, and I did get in and here I sit in North Carolina posting for you.

So recently I decided I want a video ipod. I never wanted one and then last weekend a friend got one and I realized that it's awesome. Thus, I will get one. It will be my treat to myself for working this summer and making extra money. Plus a roomie is interested in buying my Dell DJ so that will take some of the bite out... I want the 60 gig one and those are $400. I know, right? :)

The other random thing is that I recently decided I am going to start liking some country music. I am not really sure where that idea came from. I just randomly was like, "I want to like country music." I've always hated it, and made fun of it even. It won't ever be my favorite genre, but I today I watched the What Hurts the Most video (Rascal Flatts' latest single) and it made me sob. Literally sob. It struck a chord in me. I am not sure exactly why it dug so deep, but it did. So little by little I'll like country a bit more. Not too much though, because I am not sure I can ever like twang. There's very little twang to the Rascal Flatts songs I have heard, which is why they are appealing.

Tomorrow's Easter. Bec and I will go to church, and then go to dinner at my pastor's fam's house afterwards. I plan to watch The Passion of the Christ tomorrow night. That's my own personal Easter tradition. I can't really watch it more often than that.

I'm tired of typing so I'm gonna go now.

Cool is just how far we have to fall

[I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real]

I love that line.

Cool is just how far we have to fall.

Really think about it. Let it sink in.

Cool is just how far we have to fall.

Think about how much people are willing to give to be cool. They puff and prop themselves up, trying to attain the allusive "cool" factor. What people really want is to be loved, and wanted. They think being cool will ensure them of feeling needed and worthwhile.

One of my students has a story that would bring tears to your eyes. Abandoned by her mother, she was left to her father's care. One day he decided he didn't want her or her brothers anymore so he called the police to take them away. Social services came to get the kids, and she hid behind the shed sobbing and hoping they'd leave and let her stay. Once found, she begged and pleaded with her "father" to not get rid of her. He did not acquiesce to her request.

She was put into foster care. A boy she "talks with" finally made her feel loved and wanted, so she gave him what he loved and wanted. She became pregnant, and upon telling her foster mother was told that she had a choice to make. Then she was told she'd be taken to get an abortion on Friday, or else be kicked out of the house. The boy she'd been talking to (and clearly a lot more) told her if she got an abortion they would be over. Her own emotions ebbed and flowed into a raging torrent pulling her back and forth.

It became clear that she had no actual choice in the matter when the school "guidance" counselor preached abortion at her for a half hour. Then her foster mother showed up and took her to the abortion clinic yesterday. Tuesday. No warning, no time to deal with issues at hand, or sort out her own feelings. Just pulled her out of school to scrape the life out of her uterus. Now she will have to hope the ghosts won't haunt her for the rest of her life.

She's 15. A freshman in in high school. Fifteen.

Cool is just how far we have to fall.

Cool is just how far we have to fall.

I can't hold on to what you see

[Save Me, Forty Foot Echo]

I like bullets. Ergo, bullets you shall receive.

*My laptop has recently decided that working at all (aka turning on, or in the event that it does turn on, not freezing after two seconds) is just the way it shall roll.

Computers ruin life.

*Spring break is only three teaching days away. I am pretty passive about it. Yay for a break, but I am not desperate or anything.

*Despite what I just said, my school district is filled with idiots. And I am talking about the adults.

*Today I didn't shower or wash my face or anything. Well, I brushed my teeth and put on clean clothes. The point here is that I just touched my face and it's not all greasy and oily regardless of (well, actually with regard to) not showering.

Mommy, can it be? Might I finally have grown past my pubescent years?

*I am suddenly on a myspace kick. I've had it for around a year, but I guess because friends are catching on from home and stuff I feel the need to check it out. Though, with the laptop out of commission (it will most likely be shipped off to HP tomorrow, via my school district since they provided it) I have to use my desktop and I am never in my room. Except I am right now.

*I'm tired, it's an hour past my bedtime, and I'll write something more when I feel like it.

But lately I've been jaded... life got so complicated

[With You, Jessica Simpson]

I got an e-mail from my brother, who recently moved to Spokane, saying that he ran into our biological father. I haven't seen the man for 15 years, and 13 years ago my testimony sent him to prison.

Fascinating that I lived Spokane for nearly 5 years and never saw him, and my brother lives there a week and just runs into some guy on crutches that someone called Charles, and the rest just falls into place.

I don't know much about the convo, other than it was short. It was long enough, however, for Chuck (as I knew him... well, I knew him as dad until I was nine. Then it was just Chuck.) to tell my brother that nothing I ever said about what he did to me was true.

My brother now questions if anything really happened to him or if he was just making stuff up to sound like what I had said happened to me. He honestly can't remember. I remember. My first memories of my existence are of Chuck abusing me.

Interestingly enough, my brother said, "Wouldn't God want you to forgive him?". I have forgiven him. I don't hold anything against Chuck. He's a very sick man, and I know that. I am not opposed to him receiving Christ and being completely transformed. Maybe he already has. But regardless of all of the above, forgiving him does not entail also having a relationship with him. I have a Father, the only one able to heal me of all that happened to me, and He's also blessed me with a dad, Dale, and that's enough. Forgiveness doesn't mean putting yourself back into compromising situations. Chuck lost all privilege of claiming me as a daughter over 24 years ago when he first laid hands on me in a way a father should never touch his daughter. And yes, you did the math right... I am nearly 24 and a half.

As for all of this... to be honest I felt numb today. Unsure of how to proceed. Trying to figure out if there are things coming to the surface that I have to deal with, or if everything's been dealt with and I need not be caught up in anything from the past. As I sat there, ruminating, I realized that I have never cried over what happened to me. Not once. Not for the actual abuse, nor for the childhood and innocence lost. Were it someone else, and they had my story, I would hurt for them and flood my face with tears. But for myself... nothing. I am not sure how I feel about that.

Am I just that strong? Sometimes I get tired of being strong. I'm always so competent and together and strong. Never have I failed at something I really wanted, never have I fully depended on someone else... is that a good thing? Or do I need to let myself open up emotionally, let myself need someone else?

Clearly, there is much to think about.

I was not the answer so forget you ever thought it was me

[Here is Gone, Goo Goo Dolls]

Nice weekend. I did a TON of work. Blech. I am still working, actually, but I got most of my stuff done so that's massively happy. Today I was inspired to finally sort through the 5 DVD's worth of music that I burned from my desktop to put some onto my lappy. Good golly gee, I say!

Um, I actually never say good golly gee. Except for just a second ago. Meh.

Anyway, I got a bunch of my Christian music onto my laptop and suddenly realized just how much I miss worship time at home. I have a wonderful church here but it's very old school in terms of just hymns and a piano and an organ. I never feel like I am able to worship- I am just trying to sing the song right. The words are usually inspiring but I can't just worship- just sing out to God with all that's in my heart- like I could at home. I am not complaining, it's just sort of sad. So I had a mini-worship session outside (it was PERFECT weather today! I even walked in the lake, but the water's still really cold) on the deck. That was very needed :)

I also rocked out to some Sanctus Real and Third Day, among others. I just didn't have much Christian music going on here with the ol' lappy, so I am glad I spent the time to put stuff on here.

I also made the video for my classes explaining some incentives for this semester (I am pretty sure I mentioned those before) and that was good times. Then the boys and Bailey came over for dinner, and Josh's friend Marty from Minnesota (where Josh is from) came as well. That was also swell. We had dinner out on the deck and then just chilled and watched the sunset for a wee bit. That's all I feel like writing for now.