Due to recent concerns for my own privacy and safety, I have made the rather difficult choice to stop posting on this blog and to start a new one. I know I have a decent number of faithful readers, so if you would like to know where you can find my new blog just e-mail me at:

menodoxa@gmail.com

Then I will tell you the address of the new site.

I appreciate you guys :)

People all over the world- join hands- start a love train, a love train

[Love Train, The O'Jays]

Church today was SUCH a blessing. Bible study with the other young adults was refreshing. There's something unique and special about studying God's Word among one's peers. I also love the couple that leads us. She's so tender-hearted and sweet, and she always applies scripture to life. He's dedicated to studying out the truth and he always has pages of notes because he's a diligent worker who prepares ahead of time. I really admire them and am so grateful that God has placed me where I am able to get to know them.

The service itself was also a blessing. One reason is because even though my church here is pretty much hymn-driven, today I knew almost every song we sang. I'm not saying hymns are bad, just that I didn't grow up in the church and I don't know many hymns which can make it hard for me to really center in on Christ and just worship. Usually I'm trying to figure out the words and where the note's at, etc. But today I could really just worship in song and it was wonderful!

The other great thing was that the sermon really spoke to me. It was out of Genesis 16, and the main thing I walked away with is that often when God speaks I take things into my own hands. I heard His promise, so I try to work it out. This is not an uncommon mistake- Sarah and Abraham did the exact same thing. God promised them that they would bear a son, and they took matters into their own hands by utilizing the servant Hagar.

The beauty of God is that even though everyone involved sinned (Abraham and Sarah for not believing God; Hagar for her attitude toward Sarah once she conceived; Sarah for her treatment of Hagar; Abraham for not keeping his wife in check and giving her free reign to mistreat Hagar) He still worked it out for His glory. He still gave Abraham and Sarah the promised son. He protected Hagar and was El Roi to her- the God Who Sees. He still blessed the son that Abraham ought not have ever fathered, as opposed to allowing Ishmael to shrivel away. The entire Arab race can trace their heritage back to Ishmael- and, ultimately, Abraham.

I'm not sure why this never struck me before, but I find great beauty in this truth: God fulfilled his promise to Abraham and Sarah by allowing her to give birth to Isaac. This was, however 14 years- 14 LONG years, I am sure- after the birth of Ishmael, and we don't know how much time elapsed between God's promise to Abraham and the birth of Ishmael. Therefore we don't know exactly how long Abraham and Sarah had to wait for God to come through on His Word. It was, however, at least 14 years. This is over half of my lifetime. It's a long time in many respects.

Frequently I know God has promised me something, so I expect quick payout. This isn't how He operates. I constantly remind myself that God is concerned with the process of working out His glory in me far more than He is with the end result. Without the refining process the end would never be reached.

I pray I would always wait on the Lord. Though He may choose to tarry, I will wait.

I need you so much closer... so come on

[Transatlanticism, Death Cab for Cutie]

This is something Darla pointed me to, and you should check it out:

Click this link

I think that the genocide of American Indians / Native Americans / First Peoples is the single most ugly scar in our nation's history, save for the ugly brutalities of slavery (to me, both are horrid). The tragedy is that many of the problems on reservations today can be traced back to the efforts to essentially wipe out an entire race, and to strip the culture and humanity from those who remained.

Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce is one of the bravest men in history, in my opinion, yet very few children ever learn his name. What child never learns about Abraham Lincoln, Paul Revere, Samuel Adams, or FDR? They are lauded, among countless others, as heroes, yet a man like this chief of the Nez Perce fought to save his people with the same qualities of leadership. He, however, was forced to surrender a group of primarily the elderly, women, and children because his warriors were killed in battle, and the remaining people were starving, sick, and dying in droves as a result of their attempt to escape the US troops and find exile in Canada.

This Native leader's famous speech should be taught with the same fervor as Revere's midnight ride, the Gettysburg Address, or FDR's famous "day of infamy" speech following Pearl Harbor.


In case you don't know it, I want to share it with you here:

I WILL FIGHT NO MORE FOREVER

(Surrender Speech)

by Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce

I WILL FIGHT NO MORE FOREVER -

I am tired of fighting.

Our chiefs are killed.

Looking Glass is dead.

Toohulhulsote is dead.

The old men are all dead.

It is the young men who say no and yes.

He who led the young men is dead.

It is cold and we have no blankets.

The little children are freezing to death.

My people, some of them,

Have run away to the hills

And have no blankets, no food.

No one know where they are-

Perhaps they are freezing to death.

I want to have time to look for my children

And see how many of them I can find.

Maybe I shall find them among the dead.

Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired.

My heart is sad and sick.

From where the sun now stands

I will fight no more forever.

When he surrendered the Chief was led to believe he would eventually return with his people to the lands of his ancestry; instead they spent years in Kansas, and then Oklahoma. He finally returned to the Pacific Northwest, but to a reservation in northern Washington state as opposed to his ancestral homes in northeastern Oregon.

The greatest tragedy is that Chief Joseph died a lonely and broken man, still denied the right to go home, from what his doctor diagnaosed as "a broken heart".

I pray that those who learn the truth would never forget it, and allow compassion into their hearts before they judge and label Native Americans.

Sometimes you can't make it on your own

[Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own, U2]

WARNING: HARRY POTTER SPOILER AHEAD

If you haven't read all the way through the six released Harry Potter books, then don't read this entry because it will spoil things, but a lot of people have read them and I have got to talk about it.

I was upset with J.K. Rowling for killing Sirius. But... Dumbledore? I just cried like a little girl. I kept waiting for him to wake up, get up, say Fawkes' tears saved him, or that he and Snape already worked it out and he wouldn't actually be killed when the death curse was put on him. It's so sad. I feel so bad for Harry.

I know they're just books, but I seriously feel like a real friend just died. And I thought I was upset with Rowling allowing Voldemort to kill Cedric Diggory... and then Sirius. Boo on her, that's all I can say.

It's been released (Rowling said this, at least) that two people will die in the last book. I, personally, really hope that it's Voldemort and Snape, but it seems that at least one person we love would have to die. I just hope it's not Harry, Hermione, or any of the Weasleys. And I feel sorry for Draco Malfoy, which I didn't think was possible. *sigh*

Silly good books anyway.

I got victory- HALLELUJAH- over the enemy - GLORY, GLORY

[Free at Last, DC Talk]

Well hello world.

It's 7:50 and I got up at 7:14. AM!! Yes!!

The bad news is I barely got 6+ hours of sleep, which my body totally crashes on. I need at least 8, preferably 9.

I would be quite happy to regulate sleeping to more like 1-9 am, but last night I didn't sleep well; I tossed and turned, woke up constantly, had no concept of what time it was, etc. I actually had this deep fear in my heart that it was actually 1:14pm and not 7:14am when I tried to look at my alarm clock this morning, and that my plan was shot all to pieces.

Imagine, for you normal sleepers, staying up all night, getting four hours of sleep from like 2-6am, staying up for eight hours after that until 2 pm and then making your new sleeping hours from 2 in the afternoon until 10 at night and keeping those new hours. It would kick your... you know... and most people probably couldn't do it.

I'm only on step one of the journey, because I feel like crud today and the true test will be if I can make it until tonight to sleep and not take any naps. My eyes are all bloodshot, my head hurts, and I'm hungry as heck because I've eaten like 300 calories in the last 30 hours (oops). And I've been sick (I was feeling much better. WAS.) and the whole not sleeping thing has sort of relapsed me.

But it's worth it because a person with no self-control is like a defenseless city with no walls and I don't want to be one of those people! I need to get this sleep cycle in line or I will be MISERABLE when I start having to be up by 5:30-6:00am when school gets back into gear. My goal this year, actually, will be to leave my house by 6:45am every day.

Gotta love the life of a teacher :)

Would you want me when I'm not myself?

[Not Myself, John Mayer]

I had a three and a half hour heart-to-heart with one of my best friends today. It was a much needed phone convo, being as we hadn't spoken for nearly 3 weeks... we've been playing the world's worst game of phone tag for over a week now. It was a blessing and I am so grateful for having the world's greatest friends ever.

I knew he was going to call at 4, so I had to take some intense (and intentional) measures- you see, my sleeping schedule has slowly morphed into one in which I sleep from 9am-5pm. I know, not awesome. I tried to rectify this by staying up all night and then I would be so exhausted, I thought, that I'd to do bed by like 8 the next night. Wrong- I couldn't make it past 10 am.

So then I tried going to bed at 8 am and setting my alarm for noon the next day. In my sleep I turned the alarm off.

Next I tried the same schedule by setting my alarm AND setting my cell phone alarm to go off repeatedly on the other side of my room. Going to bed I was CERTAIN this would get me up. WRONG... my sleepy self just turned both off.

The problem is that my conscious mind gets overrruled by my subconscious mind unless my conscious mind is saying there's something that I HAVE to get up for. So unless it's a place I have to be, I can't get my subconscious mind to obey. I had actually been considering getting sleeping pills because I try going to bed earlier but I just can't fall asleep.

Today, though, I knew Brendo would be calling around 4pm, so I made myself stay up until noon. I wouldn't not want to get up to talk to him, so I set my cell on its highest setting (praise God no one else called!) and went to bed around... ok, at exactly... 12:17 and was out almost immediately. Brendo called at 4:13 so it was perfect.

Now it's 8:30 and I'm SO tired :) I basically stayed up all night with a 4 hour nap. I'm going to spend some time in God's word, then read Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince, and hopefully be asleep by ten... and in a perfect world up by 8-9 tomorrow.

Here's to hope, huh?

Oh, and I think Adam Morrison's hair is sexy :) The 'stache not so much, but the hair I love!

Happy 22nd birthday, Adam Morrison!!

I'll stay with you-- walls will fall before we do

[Stay With You, Goo Goo Dolls]

Sometimes my song lyrics in my posts are utterly random. Sometimes they are quite intentional. The lyrics to this entry are of the latter.

This is a tribute to my friends.

I was thinking tonight about what makes someone a friend. When you think about it, we each come across millions of people in our lifetimes. What is it that causes some of us to become bonded for life, while others simply continue to head down another path?

At the end of the day, I realize that I am blessed. For whatever reason, God has allowed the most incredible people to be a part of my life. Not only that, but I get the blessing of sharing in their lives. Names and faces jump to mind... childhood friends, high school friends, college friends, church friends, TF*A friends... people from each phase of my life. It's amazing that I have people in my life that I've known for nearly 25 years- my ENTIRE LIFE- that still love me and are excited to know me still. People that have seen me at my absolute worst and yet they continue to love me.

These friends are people that love me even though they know my faults and shortcomings. They see my talents and have experienced the blessings that come along with my character and personality and yet I know they wouldn't love me even a minute fraction less were those "good" parts of me to disappear. We've been through the dark times together; we've been in the valleys, we've climbed the mountains, and we've enjoyed the exhiliration of the highs that come at the top.

Scriptures jump to mind-

... as iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens the countenance of his friend (Proverbs 27:17)

... the heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense (Proverbs 27:9)

... there are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24)

... wounds from a friend are better than many kisses from an enemy (Proverbs 27:6)


I have amazing friends that challenge me and push me to be all that I can be- both as a woman and as a child of God. They support me and refuse to let me remain the same. They counsel me, they are loyal, and they say the hard words even when that's not what I want to hear. Sometimes, I slip up because I am human, and I hurt them. Sometimes- because they, too, are human- my friends hurt me. But because many of us are united in Christ, we forgive one another and let bygones be bygones.

Proverbs 9:11 says, " A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." We are wise enough to be patient with one another; I've learned the hard way that it's of great detriment to any relationship if those involved can't overlook offenses. Relationships in college primarily took me around the ringer on that [painful] lesson!

Jesus Christ is truly my best friend, the lover of my soul, and the one my identity rests in. No matter what anyone says, His is the only opinion of me that matters. He tells me I am precious; I am a daughter of the King; He delights in me; one glance of my eyes ravishes His heart. I have denied Christ full access to my heart and soul and in essence "offended" Him far more than any single person in my life, yet His response is always to take me back with open arms. He loves me with unconditional love- agape love- and in the stillness of my heart I rest in Him.

Even if no one ever thought I was funny again, if everyone told me I was a horrible writer, that I was ugly and fat and stank, if people said I had a terrible singing voice, if everyone said I had never done a single thing of worth in this lifetime, that I was a worthless teacher, and if every single friend preferred someone other than me I would still have peace in who Jesus Christ says I am because that is all that matters. Granted, if everyone in the world said I was a horrible person and unbearable to be around you'd have to assume that if EVERYONE was saying it then there must be some element of truth; I'd certainly have some work cut out for me in being the love of Christ to the world. But that will never happen because despite my imperfections I know my heart is always to love others and to be as Christlike as possible in their lives.

A friend said something to me awhile back that blessed me beyond words; I'm not saying who it was because they know who they are. But I want to share it because it's an example of the amazing people God has chosen to weave into the tapestry that is my life:

I have had a small handful of friends in this lifetime who continuously and consistently amaze me with their growth, attitude, and humility -- the kind of person who always or almost always performs above my expectations, beyond what I give him or her credit for. You are one of those friends. You are so much more mature than the Tami I knew even a year and a half ago that it humbles me, and I feel blessed beyond words that you choose to make me a part of your life. Thanks Tam. I love you, hermana.

I am blessed.

To my friends, particularly those of you that I know in "real" life beyond the internet-- whether I say it enough or not, I love you. It is a theme in my life to consistently thank my God upon every remembrance of you, and I know that God will continue the work He has begun in every single one of you until it is brought to fruition upon Christ's return. This is truth.

Greater love [agape] has no one than this- that they lay down their life [psuche- mind, will, and emotion] for their friends. I pray that I would always set aside my thoughts, my desires, and my feelings in order to show each of you my love. And in those times that I don't, I pray I would be quick to humble myself before you and seek your forgiveness.

Finally, I pray we would all live our lives as defined by these immortal words of Jim Elliot:

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.

A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me

[No Scrubs, TLC]

I've said it once, but I'll say it again- I love ESPN :)

I'm pretty sure that 9 times out of 10, if you turn my TV on it will be already on ESPN. I love SportsCenter, PTI, Around the Horn... love it! My favorite thing lately has been a short series called "My Wish" in which ESPN teamed up with Disney and professional athletes to grant the wishes of sick children. Most of these children have diseases that have nearly taken their lives-- and for some of them their illnesses still may kill them (heart defects, cancer, sickle cell, etc). These are such sweet, innocent kids that deserve so much. I get teary-eyed every single time one of these kids get their wish.

Speaking of... I feel a little weird sharing this, but something kind of crazy happened to me yesterday. I was sick (I'm still not feeling 100%) and watching randomosity on... what else?... ESPN, when a movie trailer came on. It's called World Trade Center by Oliver Stone. I suppose five years is enough time now that different movies and such will start coming out.

Anyway, the weird part is that I was watching this movie trailer and all of a sudden my body was racked with sobs. Just sixty seconds into a TRAILER about September 11th and I lost it. I know it's weird. I really don't know where it came from. I still can't decide how I feel about it. It does appear to be a tribute to courage and bravery of real men as opposed to just a movie trying to play our emotions, but still. I'm torn. That said, I will probably see it, though maybe not in the theater.

I have the trailer here... let me know what you think.

'Cuz everybody know the game don't stop

[Soul Survivor, Akon & Young Jeezy]

I have a friend that things went kind of sour with. They blame me and though I've apologized they still say it's all my fault and refuse to own up to their end of things. Which is totally fine with me, in that I can't make them do what they don't want to do. I also can't make them want to understand my point of view or work things out. I'd love to reconcile, or at least be able to walk away without hard feelings but the other person clearly doesn't want that.

What really makes me mad is that they are just shutting down. Ignoring e-mails and such. Now, you may be thinking that I'm a loser for trying to get in touch with them. It's a double-edged sword. On the one hand, the Bible makes it clear that if you've sinned against someone you should go to them and be reconciled before you try to go before the Lord. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, but the person at hand did think I was sinning against them and I feel that it's my responsibility, in Christ, to be humble and work it out with them. Even if they never own up to their actions that wounded me, I still feel I should be humble before them and apologize for hurting them.

Also, I've been trying to get in touch with them because we both have stuff of the other's from various times spent together that needs to be returned. I don't know their address, and they said they'd send my stuff but it's been awhile and, alas, no stuff of mine has come. It's frustrating to be ignored when if they would just send me my stuff and give me their address then I could send their stuff back and though it would frustrate me to leave things without healing the rift I'd have to accept that they don't want it. THAT was a mouthful, but maybe it gives you a sense of everything swirling around in me.

Ugh. I hate this situation. On the one hand, I want to tear my hair out because the other person once professed to care about me so much (as well as loving Christ and always seeking to do what He would do) and now they are being completely juvenile and immature. The last time I remember ignoring someone to make a point was SECOND GRADE. It's also 1 of only 2 times I ever got in serious trouble at school.

Ok, story insert here: Yah, they sent me to the principal's office for literally turning my back to my best friend because she ticked me off. (Remember that, M? ) Mrs. Carlton, I think, was her name... please tell me you remember when this happened! The only other time was in 7th grade when I called a girl a masturbater. I know, not awesome. But there were rumors about her and hot dogs going around and I was unsaved and insecure and she made fun of me on the playground. What makes it REALLY horrible is that I lied to the principal and said that I called her a "Master Baiter" because my family made me go fishing every weekend and I hated it SO much that to me it was the ultimate insult. And I got away with it! On the one hand I want to hang my head in shame, but on the other hand I kind of want to giggle because... well, that's creative and funny :)

So ANYWAY, I'm frustrated with being ignored. I want to say, "Ok, they're being a jerk and no matter how much you cared about them just get your stuff back and move on." Yet at the same time it really bothers me that someone won't accept my apology (not to mention they basically accused me in an e-mail of not even walking with God-- this is back when they still were talking to me). I've been quietly dealing with it and going on with my everyday life but I'm ready to BURST.

Grrrr.

I've said it a thousand times but I'll say it again- I hate head games. Abhor them. I can handle the loss of a close friend I once respected, and hope for the best for them even if they shut me out. The head games just really get to me. Especially with this person beause they always swore throughout our relationship that they hate it when people ignore others and they would never do that to anyone.

SO FRUSTRATED.

Ok, end of vent.

Don't let your life pass you by...

... weep not for the memories

[I Will Remember You, Sarah McLachlan]

Today is July 17, 2006. The significance of this day is that my good friend from college, Jamie Shara, would have turned 24 today.

Instead, last May, the Lord chose to allow brain seizures to overtake her and bring her home to Himself. This was painful for all of us that knew her, but she died surrounded by friends and family holding hands and lifting her up in prayer.

Rarely does a day go by that she still doesn't come to mind; the pain right now is nearly as fresh as it was last May when I was caught totally by surprise by news of her being struck with seizures; she had gotten engaged exactly one week before.

I will always love her, and always wonder who she might have become. I'll never know; but I do rest in knowing that she had a growing relationship with her Lord Jesus Christ and she is with Him today.

I wrote a tribute to her when she died last May (it still kills me a little inside to use the word "die" and it's various conjugations), and you can, if you so choose, read it here:

In Memory of Jamie

Quote of the Day

This is hijacked from VH1's Best Week Ever; it's from the "What Your Summer Movie Choice Says About You" segment:

If you refuse to see the movie Superman Returns what you're really saying is, "I heart al-Qaeda".

Hahaha.

So many things that I wanna say

[Your Love, The Outfield]

I just wrote this e-mail to the Sports Guy (Bill Simmons. ESPN.com. Page 2. If you don't already know that I don't know why I'm friends with you.)

So, Bill, I kind of hate Skip Bayless. He has a knack for ripping my favorite sports teams to shreds (namely the Seahawks, and then Ammo when he was still playing for Gonzaga).

I've loved the 'Hawks since I was a little girl. I was barely a year and a half old when they were shut out of the Superbowl by the Raiders in '83. They sucked basically throughout my entire childhood... and teenage years... and early twenties. Hopefully we're on an upward trend now. But the point is, I love them and always have, even when they sucked. So Skip really hit a nerve when he pulled his high and mighty complex crap and essentially called them worthless last winter.

Then there's Gonzaga. I. LOVE. GONZAGA. Loving them is like having a boyfriend that will rip my heart to pieces and crush my spirit every March. And yet I live for every November when he comes back into my life with such promise-- I just KNOW that it will be different this time. Skip was treading on very sacred ground when he discounted my boy Ammo (you GOTTA know what that stands for... even if you don't,who else could I mean?) saying that he wouldn't be hyped if he were black. Grrr.

So... these things have stewed in my overanalystic mind for months. Lord only knows the things he's probably said about the Mariners, Red Sox, and Patriots. (Yes. I love Seattle and Boston teams. Weird. But true.) I (secretly) hope Skip's on your list of ESPN'ers you'd (secretly) like to fight.

Can ya give me some advice on how to get him fired?

Oh, and some advice on how to convince Tony Reali to marry me?

;)

***

I know, I'm awesome. I hope he replies to it in his next Mailbag installment.

And I was wrong... I was barely a year and one quarter when the 'Hawks lost to the LA Raiders in '83. My bad.

Gettin' close to September...

I want to either start or join a fantasy football league on ESPN.

Anyone interested?

Nothing but love for Charlie Bucket

I went to college with this guy... he's SO FUNNY. Go read this:

Charlie Bucket

Darla- he's totally on Facebook. We have got to figure out how to get you on there.

It's far away from me

[Beside Me, Forty Foot Echo]

Normally I would never do this, but there's this band I have loved for ages (or like... 3 years... you know- like, totally forever. Kidding ;) ).

ANYway, the point is they're called Forty Foot Echo and they're awesome but hardly anyone has heard of them. So I'm just putting this out there for you all- go check them out. You can listen to four of their songs on their MySpace page linked below:

http://www.myspace.com/fortyfootecho

Brand New Day is literally in my top 5- no, make that top 3- favorite songs of all time. I love it that much. I was going to try and recommend one other song, but honestly the other three are all equally as good as Brand New Day. Give them all a shot.

I'd tell you what their sound is, but I say you go figure it out for yourself :)

Also, you can buy the album Forty Foot Echo on iTunes for $9.99 so that's always an option, too.

Sweet

Ok, I love iTunes. Hands down, it's awesome.

Already they're awesome, but check this out:

Today I got an e-mail saying I was incorrectly charged twice for a purchase (which I didn't even notice, PS). Not only is iTunes crediting the overcharge back to my debit card, but they also gave me a code for a free song. How awesome is that?

Nice job, Apple ;)

Gimme three steps mister

[Gimme Three Steps, Lynyrd Skynyrd]

I've got to hand it to my daddy- he built some solid musical tastes into me :) I totally remember rocking out to this song in the car, our trusty ol' 88 Civic Hatchback. Love it!

I also remember listening to The Kinks, The Doobie Brothers, .38 Special, Eric Clapton, The Eagles, and Mike and the Mechanics, among others. I actually was downloading Tom Petty and the Heartbreaker's Greatest Hits album the other day and realized that I could hum the chorus to every single song. I loved that CD and I remember painstakingly recording it onto a 90 minute tape so I could listen to it again and again circa middle school.

Anyway... random discovery of the day.

If you want to curb America's obesity epidemic, just put really hot people in position as cashiers at grocery stores. I think I'm embarking on yet another round of PMS, and all I want to do is eat horribly terrible junk foods and be angry at the world. Today I had selected Fritos and cheesy con queso dip (and yes, I know that queso means cheese. But I call it cheesy con queso dip, so bite me.). I was all set to check out when I realized that the guy I think is absolutely gorgeous at the local Food Lion was on shift. I looked at my selections, remembered my commitment to losing weight, and went and bought canteloupe and a salad. I am not. Even. Kidding.

Another recent finding is that I don't think my life would be complete without ESPN. I don't know how I lived so long without it. Oh, and I want to marry Tony Reali. He's the host of Around the Horn and he frequents PTI (Pardon the InterruPTIon). But he's a very small reason for my love of ESPN-- I just really love sports.

I've got a video here for ya all, as an example of my sports love.
PS Darla, this is the guy where I was like, "I really like this guy named... actually, I don't know his name." He's the guy in the King Tut hat ;)

Excuse me while I hang myself.

Ok, worry not- I have zero plans to kill myself. But I just read a bulletin on MySpace. The criteria? Put an X by the things that apply to you, then multiply the X's by 5, and that shows you how "white" you are.

Some might roll their eyes and/or laugh this off... it simply sickens me. Read the following that supposedly make you "white".

1. You went to a private school.
2. You watch the show Laguna Beach.
3. You watch the show American Idol.
4. You watch the show O.C
5. You don`t cheat on almost anything in school.
6. You live in the suburbs.
7. You know what a poncho is.
8. You have heard a song from Panic! At The Disco.
9. You shop at American Eagle/Aeropostale/Hollister/A&F
10. You have/had a dog that is NOT a pitbull.
11. You have owned more than 1 dog.
12. You bend the bill of your hat.
13. You own a pair of DC`s/etnies/vans.
14. You would get jumped if you said the "N" word.
15. You have lived in more than one house.
16. Your neighborhood is considered to be very nice.
17. You have nice hair.
18. You say the word DUDE a lot.
19. Your mom went to college.
20. You think cops are good.
21. You have absolutely no idea what twista is saying when he raps.
22. You have or have had a river/beach house.
23. You listen to rock.
24. You know who willie nelson is.
25. Your grandparents are over the age of 60.
26. Your parents give you money when you ask.

I don't even know where to begin with how horrific that is.
16, 17, & 19 are particularly horrifying.

Plus, assuming a white person wrote this... um, 26 x 5 = 130.

130%?

Regardless, not only is this sickening in and of itself, but the fact that people actually fill it out and pass it on makes me ill. I can't even find words to explain how angry and depressed I feel all at once.

This- THIS- is why I teach.

I want to be holy like You are

[Wholly Yours, David Crowder Band]

I'm getting excited for next school year. I've been thinking about the changes in my life, and the way my Lord has been recentering my focus on Him, and I am excited at the privilege and opportunity to serve my students.

The truth is, despite being well-intentioned, the leadership in my school (from local administration up to the upper echelon of ranking officials) is subpar. Enough so that I can't say whether I will stay past my two year commitment to Tea*ch for Amer*ica. I'll certainly finish out my commitment, but staying for a third year will simply depend on how next year goes. This is not to mention time spent in prayer, seeking where God would have me go. Here's to hope that He'll send me to Seattle :)

There were times last year when I really wondered if it was all worth it- leaving my friends, family, and beloved PacNW (Pacific Northwest) to live in the middle of nowhere, in a culture that often baffles me (trust me... the south is sometimes like living in a foreign country. But at least in China I could understand their accents when speaking English!!), and working in a school system where it seemed that my 90 hour workweeks had far less impact and meaning than the latest "life is all about riches and sex" hip-hop song. The endless optimist in me was courted- and nearly swept away- by Sir Cynicism.

At the end of the day, however, I am reminded of my passion-- my kids. They deserve my best. I would give them the world, if I could. They are so smart, and have so much potential, but 10 years of less than exemplary (to put it nicely) teaching have left them far behind their peers. By the third grade children in impoverished areas (primarily urban and rural settings) are an average of 3 years behind their suburban peers. My students are a prime example of this statistic- the average reading level in my high school is about fifth grade; writing is likely closer to third. I wish I were exagerrating.

It breaks my heart to read things written by my ninth graders like, "My goals in this class is get a A so I can be luwyar". So I press on- my kids will know the curriculum (and they know that I would feel like a failure at life if they couldn't say how this nation came to exist, or recall immediately that Spain is in Europe and not South America!!) but in addition they will be better readers, better writers, and better thinkers.

I am a very relationship driven teacher. It's simply who I am. My classroom motto is "daring to be REAL" and I do my best to be authentic before my students. When I am grouchy, sarcastic, and short tempered I apologize and admit they deserve a better teacher. When I don't know an answer, I admit it. When I am wrong, I make sure to correct myself. These students deserve to see an adult who can accept that she is not perfect; I strive to be a living example before them.

When a sense of dread at the impending work ahead of me creeps into the perimeter of my heart and mind, I remind myself of my students- truly they are, after Christ, the loves of my life. I see Summer's face glowing when she would come in before and after school because she knew I would be excited to see her, and that I would ask and genuinely care about how things were going. I see Charity stopping in to give me a prom picture. I see Dave's face absolutely beaming when I told him that he had amazing potential and that I would do whatever it takes to ensure that he is sufficiently prepared to excell in college. I think of Helen, and the tears in her eyes when she told me that, because of me, she would wait to get pregnant, and that I was the first person in her life that made her feel truly loved. I see Max's shy smile of happy surprise when I happened to see him at Wal-Mart last week. I hear the numerous excited shouts I encounter in public of, "Ms. T*K!!!" (oft said in various other forms, including but not limited to, "Whaddup, T-KAY!!", and, "Yo, T-Kizzle!!", and, "Ah, I see T*K's rockin' the Ac" [short for Acura, of course], and, "Holla, T*K!"). I recall all of the above, and my heart is full.

In the upcoming weeks my plans include reading this year's Te*ach for Ameri*ca materials that the newbies poured over at Institute, and trying to nail down exactly what I'll be teaching so I can begin mapping out next year. This could be tricksie, since I was switched from World History to US History two days before school started last year, and then back to World History when we started the new semester (I teach on a block schedule, so we get all new classes and I- ode to joy- was able to start new curriculum as well). When school ended my principal had pretty much no idea what I'll be teaching next year. Sweet.

Nonetheless- here's to my kids. I'm preparing even now because they deserve my very best. Here's one of my favorite pics of them:

Tami Hii'mawesome is currently watching the All-Star Home Run Derby.

Go Big Papi!!

One love, one life

[One, U2]

Have I mentioned recently that I love sports? Because I absolutely do.

The Hurricanes sucked me into becoming a hockey fan. Before now, I was always fairly ambivalent toward soccer... but, thanks to the FIFA World Cup, I am now officially a soccer fan.

I, of course, pull for the U.S.A. in any sporting event on a world stage. They sort of sucked it up (is "sort of" an understatement?). Next, I tend to pull for England and then Germany (nations of my heritage). I'm usually happy to see any African team win in anything.

Per the World Cup final... it was amazing, as I was watching it, to realize that over one billion people were watching the exact same events at the exact same time as I was. It's simply unfathomable for me; impossible to try and wrap my mind around. One billion people.

I have discovered a man that is going to be giving Tom Brady some tough competition for man I'd like to marry ;) His name is Fabio Cannavaro, and he's an absolute stud on the soccer pitch. He's also absolutely gorgeous!!

See for yourself--



Now, sports lover that I am, I'm watching ESPN's Portraits of Courage: Best of ESPY's Ashe Award. It tells the stories of athletes of incredible courage, who not only shine in their sports abilities, but also as human beings. It's made me cry about every ten minutes, but it's inspirational.

In closing- yay Italy (I was rooting for them) and have a wonderful evening!!

Favorites List

#1 - Hearing a suburban white girl that's not yet in middle school, without make-up and in thick ol' glasses saying, "Pimped".

Thank you, Pimp My Ride!

#2 - Phone conversations with American friends in Japan... you rock, Sho!

#3 - Ten cent music downloads

#4 - Honest people who are comfortable with who they are!!

#5 - iTunes. 'Nuff said.

#6 - New friends to go out with! Crystal and I went to dinner and then the drive-in last night; normally I think people that like the drive-in are pretty hokey, but we had so much fun! Plus, Cars was a really cute movie, and X Men III was good (though I haven't seen the first two) because she explained everything to me :)

#7 - The old school Super Mario Bros. song... doot-doot-doodoo-doot-da-doot !!

#8 - Sleep

#9 - Being single, sexy, and self-confident!

#10 - My awesomely incredible super-rock-star-alicious friends :)

You can't hurry love- no, you'll just have to wait

[You Can't Hurry Love, The Supremes]

A'ight, so most of my friends already know this, but there has been some curiosity as to what happened to my "love bog". I deleted it... I'm sure you want to know why, so I'll give ya the full story. This is long, but it's worth it, so read the whole thing!

When I first met Dusty, I was hesitant and cautious. I tried to be really careful because I have been saving all of me- my heart, my physical purity, my love- for one man. As I got to know him, though, it was clear that the Lord was bringing us together. Even in retrospect that is clear (and hindsight tends to be 20/20). However, I did make the mistake of assuming that not only was I to be in a relationship with him, but that he was "the one".

I went down a few weeks ago and met his family. It was amazing. It felt like home. Things were great. Every now and then I sensed that he wasn't saying all he wanted to say, but I thought that was normal- it's what guys do, I thought- for him to have a hard time putting all that was in his heart into words. I surprised myself with how sweet and cute and fun I was around him. I mean, I have those qualities, but I always hear about women being witches in relationships and I was scared that I would be one of those people. But even when he was horribly grouchy one day (not mean to me, per se, just grouchy and kind of whiny) instead of responding in my flesh and being all, "ME! Get over yourself and pay attention to ME!!", I found myself being cute and funny and reaffirming. That was my natural response- to focus on him, and bring joy to his life. I'm glad I learned that about myself :)

So after I got home he wrote me and said, basically, that he wanted to take me and make me his wife more than anything, but that God still hadn't told him whether that was in His (the Lord's) will yet. When I read that e-mail I realized, in my heart, that God hadn't spoken to me, either. Like I said- I assumed that because God did reveal that I was to be in a relationship with Dusty that he was also the one I would marry. It didn't make sense that I would meet someone that seemed so fit for me in every way, begin to fall for them, and then not spend my life with them.

I began to really seek the Lord's face. I searched His Word, allowing it to minister to my heart, and I prayed. I was bare, vulnerable, and honest before Him. He began to really work. I was waiting for a yes or no answer, but God simply said to me, "Trust Me. Seek Me. Rely on Me for every step, but keep walking in this relationship."

See, I am a very black and white person. All or nothing. For a year and a half in college I actually stopped watching all movies with a rating over PG because I convinced myself that it was ungodly to watch anything with a PG-13 or above rating. I stopped listening to any music that was not explicitly Christian- and that includes purely instrumental music- for nearly 3 years. You may think this sounds crazy, and you might be asking yourself, "Why?", right now. It's very simple- there are movies, and there is music, that would not be healthy for me, as a Christian to watch/hear. However, it's easier for me to have very strict, black-and-white, and legalistic rules for myself (notice- for myself- not necessarily set by the Lord) than to walk in the grey; that is, to seek the Lord each step of the way, keeping my heart open to Him saying, "This isn't my best for you; walk away."

With Dusty, I either wanted to leave the relationship completely, or know that I would marry Him. And the Lord, once I began to seek Him wholeheartedly, made it very clear: He wanted me to stay in the relationship, seeking Him each step of the way, being open and communicative with Dusty. You see, I just wanted to know the end result- would I marry this guy, or no? However, God is far more concerned with the process of working in me, internally transforming me into the image of Christ.

So, heeding the scriptures, I kept seeking the Lord. According to God's word, the key to effective prayer is this: Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened.(Matthew 7:7) As I sought Him, the Lord spoke. First, He told me to be open with my friends and family about what He was doing. I am afraid of being wrong and how that would look, so I didn't want to say anything to people from home (for those that don't know I'm from Washington state but moved to North Carolina to teach underprivileged students a year ago) until I knew if Dusty was the one or not. God said, "Be open with them. Involve them. Allow them to join you in prayer." So I wrote an e-mail, and I knew that people were joining me in prayer and supporting me. I have amazing people in my life that love me deeply and want God's best for me, and it was a joy to involved them in how God was working in me.

Then, a godly couple that I am close to from home wrote me and told me that they felt led by the Lord to share some concerns about doctrinal differences betwen Dusty and I (things such as speaking in tongues, beliefs in being "slain in the Spirit" (you know, where people just fall over because God literally blew them away), the idea that if you ever get sick it's because you don't trust the Lord to keep you healthy, and the notion that if you say scriptures about riches then God will make you financially wealthy; I disagree with all of these things, but Dusty believes in them). I had just assumed God would change my heart, since I thought Dusty was the one, to have the same beliefs, but as I began to pray and seek God He made it clear that He has built a foundation of truth into my life for a purpose, and that if I abandoned that truth I would bring spiritual death upon myself that would grow and eventually lead to me becoming very resentful- likely, of Dusty, because I would feel as though he forced it on me (even if I chose it for myself). I don't EVER want to become that person. But, when I tried to talk to Dusty about what I believe he got defensive and starting preaching at me- not discussing things, but literally preaching at me. In his defense, he is an ordained minister and he feels that everything he believes is truth.

It became more and more clear that his expectation was for me to be the one to abandon what I believe and to adhere to his doctrine and theology. The more I prayed the more I knew that I simply cannot do that. A married couple should be in harmony on God's Word, without room for a divisive spirit to come between them. To me, this is the single-most important facet of my future marriage. You can work out selfishness and personal differences, but Christ is what unifies you and if you can't be on the same page concerning who He is and how He works then you are setting yourself up for resentment, bitterness, and, ultimately, failure.

Beyond this, God really began to minister to my heart, and to show me that I am precious. He has had His hand on me my entire life and He has special plans for me. I began to realize that Dusty, though he thought he was supportive, was really expecting me to be his cheerleader, his support, and to be caught up in God's plans for him. He does have a calling on his life, but I need someone just as excited about God's plans for my life as he is about his own. That wasn't there with Dusty.

God also- very clearly- said, "Pay attention to how he treats you, Tami. You are precious in My sight. A jewel to be treasured. You deserve a man who will fight for you, who will love you and give himself for you as Christ gave himself for the church." Literally the same day I had a conversation with Dusty in which he lashed out at me for hurting him. He basically told me I was a cold and cruel person with no concern for the feelings of others. After this conversation I prayed, and I realized that I had been wrong to say the thing I had said which had hurt him. I apologized and asked his forgiveness, and told him I was completely wrong to say what I had. He said he forgave me, but then went on to say that, essentially, I deserved what I got because that's how he reacts to being hurt. And then he told me again that I have no regard for the feelings of others.

As a reaction to this, I shared the situation with a friend. She surprised me with her strong reaction- she told me that is absolutely not who/how I am, and that it made her literally angry that anyone would ever say something like that to me, let alone the man who said he wanted to spend his life with me. Then, another incident happened in which Dusty was very self-absorbed again and basically was sarcastic and hurtful when I told him that God was laying things on my heart and that we really needed to talk.

Then, suddenly, I woke up. I realized that somehow, I- one of the strongest and most confident women I know- was becoming a girl who let her boyfriend mistreat her. Not just mistreat her, but be mean and rude to her, dehumanizing her. And I was letting him, trying to support him and show him that I cared for him and wanted to work it all out. See, I always made everything about him. How could I support him, love him, care for him, make him happy. That's how I seem to work in a relationship; and that's not bad, but only if he is equally attentive to me, and how to love, support, and care for me. But it wasn't like that with Dusty- for him, it was always about him, and it simply wasn't healthy because I realized I was setting myself up for a long life of misery if I kept on in that manner with him.

So I stood up for myself. I told him I deserved his respect, not his sarcasm, and I told him that we needed to talk. Eventually, when we did talk, I explained to him that I deserve a man that will fight for me- a man that, when he meets me, will not rest until he makes me his wife. Plus, the man I marry deserves for me to be in awe of who he is and what he does, and I knew I wasn't right for Dusty because I read a Bible study he wrote and it consistently made me uncomfortable due to what, in my heart of hearts, I believed to be false doctrine and skewed theology. He deserves a wife who will read his studies and be amazed that she could be in love with someone that could write something so wonderful- and that woman isn't me.

I know that I will be consistently in awe of who my man is. I know our idiosyncracies will at times drive each other mad- and that my habit of always saying exactly what I think won't always be refreshing- but when all is said and done, I know that I'll wake up some mornings and just stare at him, wondering how I could be so blessed as to get the privilege of building a life together with such an incredibly marvelous man. I also know that- by a true miracle- he'll feel the same way about me. Chivalrous as it may sound, he'll be the first and last one standing when it comes to defending my honor, and, like I said, he'll fight for me. He'll fight for our marriage, and for our life together.

Dusty didnt' fight. He responded by being selfish and even more hurtful when I tried to tell him how he was treating me. I realized, as I was talking to him, that we hurt the ones we love more deeply than anyone else. We're human, and it happens, no matter how much we hate it. But what matters is how we react to realizing we have hurt someone we love; that reveals whether or not we have a healthy relationship. Dusty's reaction of trying to make me feel bad, and like it was my fault since I hurt him first, showed me that he simply was wrong for me. God brought back to mind that He had told me to pay attention to how I was treated... and I came to see that I deserve much better.

Now, before you go hating this "Dusty" guy that you know exists out there somewhere, know that when we talked he admitted that he hated what he was doing. In his heart he was shutting me out and pushing me away. He did apologize, and did become very real and honest. There's more, but that's all you need to know. And for a moment I thought maybe we could make it work. But then, it came back down to the doctrine. I simply can't marry someone that I don't agree with on such an important part- the most important part- of my life. Plus, I know in my heart that he wants to stay in his life here in North Carolina. I dread the thought of never leaving here. As I said in a previous entry, I feel drawn back to the PacNW, to Seattle.

So I suppose I broke up with him. I came into the conversation with the instinct that I'd leave it a single (free!!) woman, so though it was a mutual agreement, essentially I broke up with him. I don't feel bad at all- I learned SO much, about myself and relationships in general. I was excited and blessed to see that God worked so much. Dusty... well, I don't think he's faring as well. He tried to tell me I was perfect and he couldn't have asked for a more perfect wife (save for the doctrinal differences). I think he wanted me to say that I felt the same about him, but I don't. He's a nice guy, but he's got some growing up to do, some serious soul-searching ahead, methinks.

As for me- I have never been so excited to be single! My deepest fear has been that I would marry the wrong man, that I'd fall for the first guy to show me any love, and then end up in a loveless, dead marriage someday. Seeing God work and how I reacted to this relationship- particularly, seeing that I can stand up for myself and hold out for what I know I really need and want (not to mention the ability to wait for the man God has for me)- showed me that my fear is completely unfounded. I am a strong woman of God- He has a LOT more to work on in me, mind you!!- and I can rest assured that when the right man comes along I'll seek Christ and refuse to be out of His will.

Also, just marriage in general has been like a weight lifted off my chest. I realized that I have gifts and talents- teaching, working with youth, being an inspiration and mentor to teen girls, singing- and God wants to use me to affect this world. My sole purpose is not to become a wife and mother. Not being married by 25 doesn't mean I am unlovable. When God brings a man to interrupt my life, the man that I simply can't go on without, then hallelujah. But until then, I can rejoice in my freedom and be used by my Lord to be a world changer, a history maker. I've never felt so excited in my life, honestly.

All I can say is watch out, world ;)

Everything changes...

So they aren't in order, per se, but here's a photo album that chronicles the last year of my life. You don't have to be a Facebook user to see it, so click the link below, click on the first pic to make it larger, and enjoy!

A Year in the Life

PS Feel free to come back here and leave comments :)

You look so beautiful tonight

[City of Blinding Lights, U2]


Today I did something unprecedented. It started with dropping off a modem for a friend who had to move but the offices of her cable company were closed. I had a hunger for adventure, so I threw caution to the wind and ignored my carefully printed MapQuest directions. After getting a little lost but eventually dropping off the goods, I decided to go to The Evil Empire (aka Wal-Mart) to buy some huge jugs of water because I'm a water snob and hate water from the tap. I feel like I'm drinking from a pool.

I digress... anyway, I realized that I also wanted to get milk, but that about a mile from T.E.E. there is a theater. I've been saying that I'd go to a movie by myself, but I just haven't. Today I decided to get over myself, and I followed my heart. I bought my ticket to see The Devil Wears Prada (and it's actually a good movie, so ya know!), and realized I had an hour until it started and I hadn't eaten anything all day (I get up late...), so I walked about a half-mile or so to a Sonic, sat out at the tables (it's a drive-in, with tables you can order from under an awning outside), and splurged on what I actually wanted to eat. After the movie I went and got my water and milk, and came home feeling completely at peace with who I am.

My adventures today inspired me to say this to you all-- especially you ladies:


A burger, onion rings, and a banana split: $8.65

One movie ticket: $5.00

Feeling single, sexy, and self-confident: Priceless


:)

And I'ma try not to trouble nobody

[Trouble Nobody, Akon]

It was yet another spectacular day in my life. I spent the Fourth alone, in my apartment. I know, kinda pathetic. But... there's not really much to do when you live in the sticks like I do (thank you for that, T*FA) and on another day I might have felt enough spunk to go out and explore but I just decided I didn't feel like it. So I didn't.

I did, however, finish Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban last night, so I watched the movie today. Yah, I own all the movies yet hadn't read the books yet. I'm awesome.

I also caught the Germany vs. Italy World Cup game starting at 86-ish minutes. Yeah, I know- awesome timing. So I saw the two overtimes, including Italy's two sudden goals. And I had a realization. Two, actually.

1 - Soccer players are hot.
2 - German men are hot.

And that's all I have to say about that *wink*

Then I watched Glory Road. I had never seen it, yet I bought it because I knew I'd love it. Come on- put sports and overcoming racial inequity, easily my two biggest passions after Christ, in a movie and I know I'll love it. My only complaint is that I felt like Disney was trying a little too hard to do Remember the Titans: The Basketball Version. The theme music at the end was seriously a remix of the Titans theme song. And that's boo, but meh.

So I just tried to search for Remember the Titans on iTunes and it asked me if I meant "Remember the Tetanus".

And no, I didn't spell anything wrong.

Wow.

Random awesome quote of the day, posted on a MySpace dedicated to the Red Sox / Yankees rivalry:

I went to a ballgame in Mariners stadium last year where Red Sox and Yankee fans got into fistfights. In freakin' SEATTLE. Somebody must've forgotten to order decaf in their latte or something.

Can I just say... HAHAHA. That's AWESOME! Although, the man is kind of a tool because it's not called "Mariners stadium"- it's called Safeco Field. Some people just aren't cool enough to know that, I guess.

So yeah... on that note... I'm going to get back to organizing all of the pictures on my computer. It's kind of sickening how ridiculously messed up they are. An hour of work and I haven't even finished the subfolder for my students from this last year. Ack.

Have a lovely night/morning/afternoon-- whatever.

I like you.

And they say that a hero can save us...

[Hero, Chad Kroeger]

I just want to take this opportunity, on our nation's recognized 230th birthday, to thank all of our soldiers.

Regardless of how you feel about the war, these young men and women deserve our respect and heartfelt gratitude. Daily they lay down their lives to ensure the freedom of a nation that oft takes that freedom for granted.

I, for one,want to take a moment to say:

Thank you.

Sweet like candy to my soul

[Crash, Dave Matthews Band]

Last night I never went to bed.

I went to bed this morning (well, now yesterday morning) at 7 am. I can't really explain why... I've had a lot on my mind, and that was a pretty big reason. Details to come most likely in a week or so. But.... I'm just a tool, I suppose. And then I woke up all groggy around 3. In the afternoon. Completely forgot to run an errand for a friend (because I'm cool like that) and realized that tomorrow is the Fourth of July, ergo I can't run the errand til Wednesday. I hope she still likes me.

Yesterday I watched The Notebook, all by myself in my living room. How cool is that? Yah, I know, not really. Then tonight I watched Friday Night Lights, in my living room, and- you guessed it- all by myself. It's ironic that a month ago I was trying to cram in all the "one last time"-s with friends before summer, and trying not to stress about all the work I had to do. Now I would literally sit and stare at the wall if I didn't have the good 'ol inet to keep me busy.

Ok, about FNL- it's such a good movie. I kept offensive football stats (and special teams) in high school, and was actually recruited by the coaches last year where I teach (I teach high school; this summer I'm gearing up for year two ;) ) to do the same for our team. It was great- I love sports. Especially high school sports, because you know those kids. It was great to cheer Ra-Ra (Raheem) down the field on Friday nights in our stadium, flourescent lights glaring off the roughed up helmets and exposed pads, and then to teach him in class Monday afternoon.

I also love the way it gave me an "in" for relationships- I'm HUGE on relationships as a teacher, because I'm not just here to teach; I'm here to see lives changed and I could be in some plush suburban school making better money but I chose to join the movement of Tea*ch for Ame*rica to work with students that the rest of the nation could care less about. So I volunteered 5-10 hours on Friday nights in part because then in class I could rib CJ about when he'd make those big plays. Plus, in the halls I have the respect of the football players, and trust me- you want them boys on your side when you teach in a high school like mine.

But... I also LOVE. SPORTS. Particularly football. I love the explosion of helmets crashing into one another, the grunts of boys becoming men, the ebb and flow of emotion in the crowd, the jumping and screaming, the slumped shoulders of loss, the glory and the defeat. I get so excited for fall, for the creeping chill in the air that sends the death heat of summer on its way.

Here's to fall, and to football :)

I'll stay with you

[Stay with You, Goo Goo Dolls]

Sad day. Last night I was so careful to make sure that my alarm was set so I'd be able to get up and go to church today. I know that I won't wake up on time without it, so I needed ensure it would go off.

It didn't.

It's a "smart" alarm clock that has some microchip that knows what day of the week and date it is, and the time (including when Daylight Savings Time happens... it just automatically does it). Only, apparently it somehow decided that today was Thursday, June 29. So since my alarm was on "weekend" it never went off.

Grrr.

So, no church for me.

Today I realized that I really, really want to live in Seattle.

[Insert: MMMbop by Hanson just came on my iTunes. It's on my "Songs I Should Hate" playlist. Because I'm awesome. Only I'm going to skip it. Ahhh... Everything Changes by Staind. Amazing song. Amazing song.]

So yeah... I really want Seattle to be home. It keeps coming back to mind... I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I'm not sure when or how I would end up there, but I want that to be where I say I'm from when people ask. I want that to be where my children grow up. I want to go to Seahawks and Mariners games, go to the annual "Battle in Seattle" that Gonzaga always has as a tribute to their fans/alumni that live on what we Washingtonians call "the west side", referrring to the western side of the Cascade Mountains. I want to find an awesome church that does ministry to the greater Seattle metropolitan area, work in a Title I school, and live out my life there. I want my children to grow up as Seahawks/Mariners fans (with special room for the Patriots and Red Sox, of course), watching loads of games on Fox Sports Northwest.

I was talking to someone about the fact that the PacNW (Pacific Northwest) is the most beautiful part of the country. I've been to exaclty half the states, and actually have driven through most of them. Landwise I'm sure I've been to much more than half, since the western states are so much more spread out and I've been all over everything west of (and including) Colorado. But seriously- you have not lived until you have been to the Puget Sound... especially the islands. It's absolutely beautiful. Breathtakingly so.

*sigh*

Can anyone else tell I'm homesick?

My hands release you

[Run, baby, Run, Jason Upton]

I can't stop listening to this song. You can buy it on iTunes. Do. It. Now.

In other news... I went to NBC.com earlier and watched "Lazy Sunday". Still abso-freaking-lutely hilarious. Oh, so funny.

Today I watched Lord of War. What a tragically great movie. Watch it if you've never seen it. It's based on real facts. I almost cried at the end when it said that the largest munitions dealers in the world- the U.S., U.K., Russia, China, and France- are also the five permanent members of the U.N. Security Council. I mean, I knew that about the UN (the permanent security council members were the five victorious "free" world powers after WWII), but just the connection between "freedom" and arming the poor nations, like Africa, makes me literally feel like I might throw up. This world breaks my heart. My response is come quickly, Lord Jesus.

Today I discovered radio and podcasts on iTunes. I just hadn't really messed with it all before, I guess. My first podcast subscription? Homestarrunner :) I think I really do need to save up and hold out for the 60 gig iPod. I just remind myself of how good it will feel to finally get it, after saving so diligently for... however long it will take. I could go buy one tomorrow but I've worked darn hard to get a savings! I plan to keep making it larger and larger.

I remember once when I went to the bank and someone had left their receipt in the little slot. I took it to crumple up and toss in the trash receptacle in my car, but not before noticing that they had circa twenty grand in their checking account. Twenty. Thousand. Dollars. But... I plan, Lord willing, to have a savings like that. I live by a pretty careful budget now, and am consistently saving. It feels really good, to be honest. I actually feel way better about this than I felt when I had credit cards and went into stores and just bought pretty much whatever I wanted. Then I only had lots of crap and little self-respect. Now I have the inner peace that comes from self-control.

It's nice :)

Closing thoughts- Dani California by Red Hot Chili Peppers is a great song. Check that one out, too.

And, random... RHCP sing about California a lot. Under the Bridge (all about the "City of Angels", aka Los Angeles), Californication, and now Dani California all jump to mind right away.

Interesting.

I personally think California kind of sucks.

Wish List

1. I wish that the people on The Office were real.

2. I wish that I could marry Jim Halpert. And that he were real.

3. I wish I were a little bit taller.

4. I wish I was a baller.

5. I wish I had a girl that looked good, so I could call her. Ok, not really.

6. I wish I could be a hobbit. And live in the Shire. And be friends with Gandalf. Really.

7. I wish my car was 14 years newer. And blue.

8. I wish I could find a cure for AIDS / war / poverty / hunger

9. I wish I were funnier. Ok, not really. When you're funny like I am there's no where to go but down from here.

10. I wish I could sprout wings and fly.

11. I wish I looked like Jessica Alba.

12. I wish I could have the summer off with nothing to do. Oh, wait, GOT THAT!

13. I wish it were possible to be jealous of myself, because then I would be.

14. I wish I could go home and visit my friends and family.

15. I wish I knew what my future holds.

16. I wish I lived in Seattle.

17. I wish my savings account was about 100 times larger. I'm not sure what I'd do with $60,000 dollars in savings, but it would be hot.

18. I wish I had a special card where I could go to Costco and get whatever I want and just run the card and the money never runs out. And that includes free gas :)

19. I wish there was a special drink so that I could eat whatever I wanted and then I'd drink this drink and I'd always be a perfectly toned and fit size 6.

20. I wish I could always be 24 but not have to die in order for that to happen.

21. I wish my boyfriend were here.

22. I wish I didn't have to pee right now.

23. I wish I had an iPod.

24. I wish I were skinny dipping with my roommates in our backyard (aka our lake) right now.