He's such a beautiful disaster

[Beautiful Disaster, Kelly Clarkson]

I'm in love.

That's right, I have found him.

Ever seen The Office? You know where I am going with this one- Jim. Adore him. Absolutely. Maybe because he doesn't have perfect looks. But the man has green eyes and is 6'3" which gets major points ;)

Ok, on a more serious note, I finally got around to watching the first season of The Office and I love it. I only saw the one with the purse lady before this and I didn't really get it. But by watching the whole show I totally got it :) I think that this summer I'll buy a season pass on iTunes and download the second season. Seriously- the show is SO funny. I totally recommend it. It pushes the envelope a little, but in a funny way. I think that's how our nation tends to deal with serious issues... humor in television. Which is kind of sad... but anyway, the show's awesome!

In other huge news [read: mundane and monotonous all at once. And I'm redundant.] today I got the A/C fixed on my car, got an oil change (I'm getting good at this every 3,000 miles thing), and had my tires balanced and rotated all for free, save for the parts I had to buy myself ahead of time. Also, my brakes were inspected and given a clean bill of health. Then I went and got my yearly inspection (not something I EVER had to do in Washington state... meh on North Carolina, I say) and it was a whopping... nine dollars and ten cents! Suh-weet! Tomorrow my cigarette charger will hopefully also get fixed- the guy said it's probably just a blown fuse but he didn't have time to check it out today. So my Ac (short for Acura. Get with the program, people) is all set for summer. Happy day!

Other than that... uh... not much happening. I am going to bed in like a half hour. It will be incredible. Seriously.

I can feel your heart beat faster

[Take Me Home Tonight (Be My Baby), Eddie Money]

Today I contemplated jumping off a cliff.

Ok, not really. But I did manage to magically erase my entire gradebook...

My computer crashed in the middle of saving my grades (which I do almost constantly when I am working on them). When I tried to open them, it said the file was corrupt. I got the genius idea to try and open a new gradebook and import the old grades. Only then I accidentally overwrote the corrupt file because in my frustration I clicked too many times. Despite saying "no" to saving it, when I figured out how to open the grade back-up file (which I didn't know existed, but I spent a long time trying to rescue the THREE FRIEKING THOUSAND ENTRIES) I discovered it, too, was already overwritten by the blank book.

Just remembering the frustration conjures back up the temptation [read: not really] to kill myself. Plus... last semester I meticulously wrote down every single grade and then entered it in the computer... this semester I realized that I could cut the process into about 1/3 of the time by just directly entering stuff.

And no, I didn't copy the grades from my jump drive (where they were saved) onto my laptop. I was going to after school got out and the gradebook was essentially complete. Now... I just get to hope I remember their grades and be lenient with what they can make up.

This is life hating material, kids, right here, right now. Barf.

That said, I realized earlier that I could be super angry or I could cry (or I could jump off a cliff) but really that wouldn't change things. The grades are still gone forever. So I can just suck it up, talk to each kid individually about where they were at (I know about 60 of them right off my head as far as letter grade goes, just not exact percentage, and there are about 15 where I need to figure out where they were) after I write out where I think each kid was. Good thing we have block scheduling and I have 75 kids instead of 150. Too bad that file had all of my grades from this entire year.

I will never, EVER again fail to copy my gradebook onto both my PC at home and my laptop.

Lessons learned, lessons learned.

Everyone knows I'm in over my head

[Over My Head (Cable Car), The Fray]

I know this song has been my subject before, but I still love it.

Moving on... I have the sunburn of death in a strip down my back. Ode to joy, huh? That's my life. I am the whitest person ever. *sigh* This is why I very rarely spend time outside. So... today was an indoor kind of day. I watched some Arrested Development early on. Then I broke into my latest round of Netflix DVD's and I'm in the last half hour of the first season of Grey's Anatomy.

It's interesting because I wrote this show off as being purely about sex. I never watched it for that reason. But then somehow it crept onto my show list- and I am loyal to my shows. I have a few- Arrested Development, LOST, 24, and American Idol. I know that AD isn't new anymore... but, I have the first two seasons on DVD and will buy the third promptly upon its release. Anyway, about Grey's- it's a good thing I don't go looking for sex, because there's actually been very little of it on the show. I am not sure how I got the idea that it's always about sex... they talk about it, but so do those of us in my house :) It comes up in conversation from time to time.

Anyway, it's a chick show, obviously, but I like it. My favorite part is the relationship between Izzie, Meredith, and George at their house. The writers do a great job of making the three roommates and their relationships seem real. And... it's a good thing I am watching this first season because I don't dislike Meredith so much. She's less ridiculous in the first season. Plus, I understand her and "McDreamy" a little better.

That's really all I have to say about today. I cleaned a little, did laundry... that's about it. Yee-up. Big time, huh?

I'm not the jealous type who doesn't sleep at night

[Air Dry, Teddy Geiger]

What a lovely weekend! Friday night I chilled, got to talk to Sho, and went to bed around one. Yesterday I woke up at 5... PM. Yah. I knew I was exhausted, but I didn't even wake up until 5 pm! I went to the bathroom around ten, and laid back down just to relax, assuming I'd get up in an hour or so. Nope. I fell back asleep. I slept for 16 hours! Goodness.

Last night we went to a big end of year bash at the boys' house. I mainly sat on the porch with Liz in rocking chairs. Talked shop about WWII with Joe for awhile... took a midnight swim... came home around 1:30 and played karaoke with Bec and Bailers. Slept from 3-10.

Now I just showered and am putting swimming clothes on to go back out on the dock with Bec, Liz, and Lisa. Liz and I are doing fun artsy projects. It's 80 degrees and GORGEOUS out there. I'm gonna finish my watercolor painting, swim, and just overall chill.

Hope you're all enjoying your Memorial Day weekend!

I am a driving rock star!!

First, go read this article ranking the best to worst "driving smarts" states in the nation.

Washington (which will always be home, no matter where I live) ranked second, just barely behind Oregon by 2.4 points. There's a link within the article to the full state rankings... North Carolina, PS, came in at a lowly 32. Ouch.

But with Washington, Oregon, and Idaho coming in at 2, 1, and 4, respectively, the Northwest clearly has the smartest drivers. And Seattle was recently ranked 4th in big cities with courteous drivers.

There's also a link to go take the test. Wanna see my score? I copied and pasted the results below:

Thank you for taking the GMAC Insurance National Drivers Test. A score of 70% or better is considered passing on a state written drivers test. Based on your answers, you have the following score: 100.0

For tips to help you stay safe on the road, check out other areas of the GMAC Insurance website, as well as your state’s DMV website.

BAM!! And that was my first time- no retakes or cheating! I am an utter rock star. I amaze myself sometimes. I challenge y'all to go take it and reply with your score!

PS If you don't rock it as hard as I did, don't feel bad. I was certain I had missed a few and was rather shocked to see my score. But I also tend to overthink questions and second guess myself a lot.

PPS California ranked 14? Dirty, dirty lie. Or cover-up. Who tells dirty lies? Californians and Communists, that's who.

We come and we go

[Trust Me, The Fray]

List day :)

• Yay that Taylor won American Idol! Chris was my favorite, but I really couldn't stand Kat's voice. I am sure I have said that on here more than once ;) Plus, Taylor just really loves music... for him it's clearly not about the fame- just making the music he loves.
  
• LOST... man, they have some smart writers. I don't know how they were able to answer so many questions and clean storylines up and yet leave me with even MORE intrigue and questions. That said, last night's wasn't shocking. I am curious about what will happen to Jack, Kate, and Sawyer (not to mention now John and Eko are doing), and I am obviously intrigued by the frozen Russians/woman on the phone at the end, but last season I was like, "AHHH!! I can't wait until September!! AHHHH!!".
  
• On that note, I think I am going to buy the first season of LOST. Right now.
• The first seasons of The Office and Grey's Anatomy came from Netflix yesterday. I am told by many that if I love AD (Arrested Development) then I'll quite enjoy The Office. As for Grey's, I never saw the first season. Maybe watching it will help me stop thinking that Meredith sucks.
• Only 10 more "get-ups" for school left. Ya-frieking-hoo, I say ;)
• I made a "Songs I Should Hate" playlist on iTunes. It's awesome. It includes pretty much any boyband song. I think the quintessential "SISH" track, however, is MMMbop by Hanson. I SHOULD hate it. But so long as I only hear it every now and then it just makes me want to smile and dance with my shoulders like all white people lacking dancing skills.
  
• The end.
  

From the rising of the sun to the going down of the same...

Finally, the promised pictures (as I discovered, posting photos doesn't work at school... ode to joy.)

Once again, if you want to save them, just click on them and it opens up a bigger version.



Sometimes I truly can't believe I live here. Amazing.

There are two roads to walk down, one road to choose

[Thinking Over, Dana Glover]

Today we talked about Africa in my class. Not an easy topic to condense into a day, believe you me, but I was able to explain to them problems with famine, civil wars, AIDS, orphans, etc. It was really good to explain to them what AIDS is and how it works. One kid actually thought that people with HIV / AIDS drink Clorox to try and kill the disease. I explained that this would actually kill a person. Also, some kids thought that the virus dies as soon as it hits the air. I was able to explain that it can stay alive for hours afterward, and that they should NEVER handle blood without special equipment and precautions. So all of this was good.

I was also able to tell them that I will be sponsoring a child from Africa and that as soon as his information gets here I'll bring it so they can see his picture and learn about him and such. This was really exciting, because some of them thought it was a cool idea. Others think that we only ever see the worst of the situation and all it does is make them feel bad. I was reminded how crucial it is that I not only teach them about the truth of what's happening there but also that I empower them to help. Sponsoring a child is one example that shows them that normal people can make a difference.

Tonight I enjoyed watching American Idol with Bec and Liz. It was really fun to not watch it by myself for once- and Becca agreed with me that Kat does not have an incredible voice. When people say they love her voice I think to myself, "Do they actually hear her sing?". She seems like a nice person, and I hope her all the best, but I still do not think she should win AI. Taylor also wasn't amazing tonight, but I do think he's the better singer of the two. Also, I really appreciate that he's unique. There's no one out there right now that's like him. That could make or break him... he might be too different. But I see him appealing to more than just the tween crowd. I can see my mom buying his CD. I can't really see any mom buying Kat's CD unless they're like the mom on Mean Girls- just trying- in an absolutely disgusting way, ps- to impress her daughter. Anyway... tomorrow I'll actually watch LOST and then flip back and forth to Idol to see who wins.

Lastly, I know that like 98% of my pictures are of sunsets, but the sky was ON FIRE tonight. It was literally breathtaking. I ran- ran, I say- out to take pictures once I noticed it. Then, when I was putting pics on my comp so I could post them here for you guys I realized that I took a few equally amazing pics last weekend, only they're more purple than red. So I'll get to that soon enough (the posting, that is).

Random note: Did you know that there are only four commonly used words in the English language that don't have any rhyming words and three are colors? They are: orange, purple, silver, and month. Interesting. I told you this entry would be stupendous.

Pictures now. Don't forget that you can click on them to get a bigger version.

...

Ok, nevermind. Our flippin' $103 a month internet is FREAKING RETARDED and won't load the pictures. I'll try to load them at school tomorrow, though my school blogs all jpg/gif/png files, so we'll see if it will work.

Lame.

Did I really never update today? Man, I suck. Tomorrow's shall be stupendous, I'm sure.

Interesting that stupendous is a synonym with words like incredible, awesome, and fantastic yet it sounds so much like stupid.

I miss my home and it feels like I'm a million miles away

[San Angelo, Third Day]

I had a wonderful weekend. Friday after school Jenny and I took a trip to RoRap. We went out to dinner (may I just recommend the fried chicken salad at Applebee's right here? Well, I just did, so...), tried unsuccessfully to print some pictures off of her digi cam at Wal-Mart, and picked up some other random items (like workout clothes for me). Then we came home and watched Guess Who. Ashton Kutcher is, in my opinion, the most aesthetically beautiful man on earth. Don't worry, I am not trying to give Demi any competition- I just think he's the epitome of physical beauty in a man :) No lust there, just admission of his attractiveness.

Friday night I turned my alarm off so that I could just sleep until I woke up on my own, so yesterday I got up around 11. GUH-LORIOUS! Then... uh... I am not sure exactly what I did all day. I wrote the message for Nick to take to Jamie's memorial service that I posted (it's in the previous entry) and that actually made my heart heavy for most of the day. I also watched American History X... what an amazing movie. Though, I have to say... I don't think people with hatred rooted that deep just give it up in the course of 3-4 hours. But a good movie nonetheless. After that I finally showered (I know, right?) and Bec, Jenny, and I went to see The Sound of Music at Lakeland. A fellow teacher from my high school was Maria, and she was amazing. And, actually, a student (not one of mine) from school played Rolf, plus a few kids from church were in it as well. I was impressed at the quality of the show, considering the area and resources and such. After that I pretty much just watched SNL and went to bed.

Today I accidentally slept through church. I never turned my alarm back on, so it didn't go off, and I woke up at noon. Oops. But other than that it was a perfect day. I went out and swam for a little while, then laid in the sun for a little while (and by that I mean like 15 minutes... I am FAR too white to be in the sun for much longer than that. If I don't marry a man with some better pigment than mine then I will pretty much have to raise my children in the basement. I get sunburned just thinking about the sun.) After that I partook in a little Arrested Development... I LOVE that show. Seriously. It's just so funny all the time. I got a bit of work done and now I am getting myself mentally prepared for bed, though I've only been awake for 11 hours so I'm not really tired. Meh.

So... uneventful weekend. Uneventful post. But I feel rested and content. Hard to believe there are only two more weekends until school's out. Goodness. Where does time go? Honestly. But it's been a lovely weekend. Peaceful and calm. So that's nice.

PS Hope you all like the new theme. I was tired of my eyes having such a hard time adjusting to the white-on-black of my old one. Plus, the colors were sort of depressing. And... the main reason is that at the top my header wrapped around weird and I didn't like the way that looked. This is better. Hopefully I'll leave it for awhile, right? There's always hope ;)

And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter

[Live Like You Were Dying, Tim McGraw]

I sent this to my friend Nick. If the Lord leads then He will read it at Jamie's memorial service Monday. I share it with you in honor of her memory.

I first met Jamie through Generation Christ in the summer of 2000. I remember thinking she seemed like a sweet girl, never expecting that she'd end up one of my better friends. That fall I was in my freshman year at Whitworth, and one weekend I was in downtown Spokane volunteering at the local food bank when she came up and asked me if we knew each other from somewhere. In the end, Jamie and I ended up exchanging phone numbers and promising to call each other sometime.

She, of course, called me first because she was always great about that kind of stuff- calling friends, keeping in touch, and letting people know how much they meant to her... that remains in my heart her greatest quality. Her ability to love freely and without hesitation. We ended up becoming very close throughout our freshman and sophomore years of college. She transferred from Gonzaga to Whitworth mainly because of the large quantities of time she spent with me on Whitworth's campus, where she found a much more Christ-centered atmosphere. One of my favorite memories of Jamie is when we decided that everytime she cussed she'd pay me a dollar, and everytime I started to talk about a boy that we both knew wasn't God's best for me then I had to pay her a dollar. I remain quite certain that money never actually passed hands, but the heart of the matter is that the Lord united us because we were two young women seeking His face.

By junior year we began to grow apart- I was extremely busy with both my church and campus leadership, and she had decided to move back home for awhile. We mostly lost touch up until a few months ago when Christ laid it on my heart to call her. She told me how great she was doing- how the Lord had brought her through a dark depression, and that she was so happy for the first time in a long time. She loved her classes at Central, had amazing friends, a renewed walk with God, and was in a great relationship with the love of her life, JJ.

My last e-mail from her was typical Jamie- joyful and sweet. As always, she made sure that I knew how much I meant to her. I learned so much from her about how to shed the chains of protection that normally guard my frail heart- to be vulnerable and never afraid to tell people how much they mean to me.

This morning I thought about relationships, and the way my precious Lord has carefully woven the tapestry that is my life. It is no coincidence that I bumped into a random Gonzaga student at the food bank six years ago. God intended to use Jamie in my life for a purpose. He gave me the awesome privilege of knowing her, and being able to love and be loved by her. Her threads in my life's tapestry are vibrant, bold, and beautiful. It breaks my heart that her threads in my life ended so soon, but I am all the more blessed because they are present.

Losing her has reminded me that life is a precious gift. I have no assurance of tomorrow, no promise that this won't be my last day before Christ calls me home to Him. I praise God that Jamie is in His presence in Heaven. I also pray that, per Jamie's example, I would embrace every day- never hesitating to tell others that I love them. Until that day when I, too, am in the presence of the Lord, I pray that I would live with no regrets.

And Jamie- I love you. You mean- not meant, but mean- so much to me. I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.

I'm on the right side with you

[Another Kind of Green, John Mayer Trio]

Per his latest blog entry, and pretty much everything else about him, I'm pretty sure John Mayer is my soulmate. I mean, the man can sing, he's hilarious, he's over 6' tall, and he has my birthday. Except he was born in the 70's. He loses a few points there- 80's babies are rock stars, pure and simple. But... I'm pretty sure that Jesus Christ is not the passion of his life, ergo... I shall remain patient.

So today I realized that school gets out in 15 days. Well, 14.5 now. And really, the last two are half days, so even less than that. Goodness. But that realization helped me to kind of reflect on the fact that so much has changed in the last year. I'll write "A Year in the Life" at some point, going over the last year since I moved away from Spokangeles, but for now suffice it to say that I realized that for perhaps the first time I am content. I enjoy where I am at. I need not constantly try to figure out what's around the next corner- things will come as they will.

I would still love if God told me to move to the Seattle area (come on- it's the smartest city in the country- highest number of graduate and doctorate degrees per capita- and it ranked 4th on the list of the nation's most courteous drivers. Which, actually, is kind of sad- those other cities must really suck because driving in Seatown isn't my favorite activity. I-5 is like a death wish during rush hour.) and I would love to just be back in Washington. That said, I do still enjoy Boston, and Brendon is trying to convince me that the greater Portland metro area is calling my name :)

But... in December if you told me that I would absolutely love exactly where I am at in life by May- particularly where I live- I might have rolled my eyes. But now I do. I know that wherever I go, so long as I go with my God, I will love it. Jamie's death this week really caused me to step back and evaluate life. I want to live with no regrets. Tomorrow is not an assurance. I want to redeem the time, walking circumspectly- not as a fool would, but in wisdom. So I can rest in God's plan and know that no matter where I am, so long as I seek His face, it will be His best for me.

So seek His face I shall.

Happy Friday... you all are rock stars. Of the highest quality. If your friendships were records you'd all be multi-platinum!

All the Heavens cannot hold You in

[All the Heavens, Third Day]

It's amazing how loss makes you so much more grateful for what you do have.

I needed to print some pictures off of my digital camera to put on the Wall of Fame (for students that get 80% or above on their weekly quizzes), and I came across some pictures from my house from about a month ago that I forgot about.

This one's my favorite:

I have rock star friends.

In other news, my favorite pants are falling off.

The good news is my favorite pants are falling off.

The bad news is my favorite pants are falling off.

You win some, you lose some I guess.

I still thought about Jamie a lot today. But the Lord has been continually gracious to me, and He has ministered to my heart. All I go through is for the purpose of leading me to Him, and I pray that I will continue to respond accordingly.

Broken Inside

[I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real]

Today I received word that Jamie went home to the Lord last night around midnight.

To those who have been praying, thank you. Please continue to pray for her fiance (JJ), her family, and her friends.

A fellow teacher covered my fourth block so that I could come home. On the drive home I had a wonderful conversation with a friend that knew Jamie as well; he was there last night when she passed.

I decided to watch a movie and get my mind off of things... for some ridiculous reason I chose The Butterfly Effect. Watching the director's cut of that movie when you just lost a friend is a horrible idea.

But... in a way it was a small miracle, I suppose, because somehow the floodgates were able to open. I sometimes worry about myself because I don't cry easily... I just hold it in and feel nothing. Movies and hearing about other people's pain both make me cry fairly easily, but my life just... doesn't. But today, the tears flowed. I thought I had said good-bye yesterday, and thought I was at peace with everything. But for whatever reason I just began to cry. And cry. And cry.

I can't explain it. I'm not angry at God. I really do feel such peace about Jamie. I know she's in the Lord's presence, and I agree with Paul, in that I am well pleased to know Jamie's absence from her body means her spirit is in God's presence, per II Corinthians 5:8. But still... it hurts. I just hurts. So I went out by the water and cried.

The tears, the wind, the water, the sun, and the occasional bird reminded me that life is a gift. A precious gift. Jamie was only 23. We can never assume we have tomorrow. I am reminded of a wonderful song by Joy Williams called Every Moment. I want to share the lyrics here.

We laughed out loud ‘til we cried
And the tears were sweet
Midnight melted to morning
A moment faded to memory
All these days
They just slip away through our fingers
So…

CHORUS
Don’t let go
Hold onto every moment
Always know
Hold onto every moment that You can

We move on with no regrets to our destiny
Held by the hands of the Father
We share His love and He leads us through
All these days
They just slip away through our fingers
So…

CHORUS

Running through yesterday into tomorrow
Don’t let it just drift away
Forget about tying the hands of time
Give every minute to the One who gave us today

CHORUS

I recommend you go buy it- iTunes or what have you. I only hope that I would continually remember to live out its message.

I know now You're my only hope

[Only Hope, Switchfoot]

Today and tomorrow we're watching Schindler's List. It's heavy. Thus far I am impressed with my kids' level of understanding and compassion. I'm planning to do current world issues next week, so this is a good warm-up because next week's stuff is pretty heavy as well.

On the agenda are AIDS, poverty, civil wars, child prostitution, and a short documentary-type film called The Shadow of Hate, which chronicles the history of racism and bigotry in the United States.

I think my kids are ready to tackle these issues. I refuse to let them get to college, as I did, not knowing that Japanese Americans were sent to internment camps, that the Holocaust affected more than just Jews, or that genocides occurred in Rwanda, Albania, Cambodia, etc. We'll also talk about Vietnam, because I knew nothing about it other than that a lot of vets were messed up mentally as a result of fighting there, including my step-grandfather.

Part of next week will, hopefully, include showing them a video of a boy named Eric from Uganda. D from ICN asked me if I'd like to sponsor a child from Uganda, and I do, so even though I can't do my project with these kids I can tell them that I'll have a child by the time they come back next year and they are more than welcome to come by and see any letters and such I get from him/her. I am really excited about it! I just have to be patient and wait for Eric's DVD to get here. I really want to empower my students to do their part in helping out the world around them.

Also, no word on Jamie yet. When I hear I'll let you guys know.

On fire, burning up, in these mysteries...

... You're a mystery

[On Fire, Switchfoot]


This is, quite possibly, one of the best songs ever written.

I received an e-mail a couple of hours ago telling me that my friend Jamie is not expected to live through the night.

The friend gave me his phone number in the e-mail and I went out to the dock to call him. After we hung up I just stood there for awhile, watching the sunset. The air was still, and the water gently rippled, reflecting the pinks, purples, and oranges of the setting sun. And I kept standing there, on the upper deck, leaning over the edge, gazing out. Just... alive.

When Nick's e-mail came, iTunes had chosen to play Consuming Fire by Third Day.

Our God- He is a consuming fire and the flames burn down deep in my soul.
Yes, our God, He is a consuming fire and He reaches inside
and He melts down this cold heart of stone.

I thought of how, after a decision on my part my junior year of college to put some necessary space into an unhealthy relationship, I kind of lost touch with Jamie. I never stopped caring, but I created some healthy distance that ended up causing us to lose touch. Then, after two and a half years, I felt prompted to give her a call a couple of months ago.

Since then we've talked a little in quick e-mails. She included me on her list of close friends that she let know about her engagement on Cinco de Mayo. I still have an e-mail in my inbox that I haven't archived yet because I need... needed... to reply.

When a friend first told me Saturday that she was in the hospital, I never assumed it was this serious. I envisioned her surrounded by friends and family, nervously laughing about how extreme her latest "weird feeling" was (that's what she called the mini-seizures she would sometimes have). Not essentially comatose and covered in wires and tubes... it all seems like something from a movie.

So I stood on the dock, grateful that God encouraged me to pick up the phone (or flip open the cell, I suppose) and call. I am thankful that I chose to obey, and though it's selfish, I feel a peace about not having to live with the regret of always wishing I had called when God prompted. I praised Him for preparing me this morning in His word to trust Him, to rest in His mysteries.


There were some tears. I'm not really one to cry extensively, so they were quiet and simply slipped off my cheeks and into the lake. I thought about when she and I were close- we spent time together almost every day in the fall of our Freshman year of college. She actually transferred to Whitworth as a result of spending so much time there wtih me.

I thought of those days when she had to pay me a dollar everytime she cussed. I had to pay her a dollar everytime I started to talk about the guy from her hometown that I was making myself get over. I smiled thinking of our drives to Seattle, singing at the top of our lungs in her little silver Mazda Protege. Those trips home with her caused me to begin to fall in love with the landscape and climate of western Washington.

I recalled the awkwardness of getting frustrated with her, and basically calling her dumb because she got lost coming to my dorm for like the 20th time on a trip that included- literally- four turns. That's when she told me about her childhood bike accident that caused severe brain trauma. She never felt "normal" after that, struggling to remember simple things, having to study ten times as much as she had before the accident, and occasionally having "weird feelings", or mini-seizures that tended to last anywhere from a few seconds to a minute or two.

Most of all, though, I rejoiced for her. Nick said almost exactly the conclusion I came to about loving and losing someone. If indeed she never wakes up, and there is no tomorrow on Earth for her, she was deliriously happy for the last week. She was so in love with JJ. I only hope he can embrace that. Her last days were filled with love and joy, mostly because of him. He allowed her to finally feel normal.

And then I envied her. She has a relationship with Jesus Christ, and I don't doubt for one second that she is going home to Him.

I'm listening to Take this Life by one of my favorite Christian artists, Shawn McDonald, and it's making me feel emotional again. But it's precious, because whenever that moment comes that Jamie does pass from this world to the Spirit world- no matter when God's timing is- I know that she will be whole- never again to go through the darkness of depression, no more struggling with her frustration at not being able to remember things, not one more weird feeling. Just completion in Christ.

It still all seems so surreal. We're still so young. Just kids in so many ways.

I choose to rest in the supremacy of God. Of course He's not safe- but He's good.

This one's for you, Jamie.

All I go through- it leads me to You

[I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real]

I had the most amazing quiet time today. I've had a lot on my mind, much of it heavy. Not all bed, per se, but heavy. I haven't heard in a couple of days how she's doing, but last word on Jamie was that her brain was still seizing two days after the big episode, so she was being sedated, amongst other serious medical problems resulting from her seizures. I'm also concerned about the choices of a close friend of mine and it hurts to see him do this, yet I can't make his choices. Two of my better TF*A friends are basically going through a break-up, and my heart is heavy for them. I talked to my mamacita (not my mother, but basically my second mom) yesterday and she had good news about how God is working in her, which is a huge praise, but even though it's happy news it's still rolling around my mind. Then there's the realization that my first year in Tea*ch for Am*erica is nearly done, and though I feel like I have forever I need to really start praying about God's intentions for me after my two year commitment to T*FA. More on that later. There are other things, too, like my students, ICN, etc. I just feel like I have a lot going on in my mind right now.

So, for whatever reason, today I really felt led to read about trust in my quiet time. I tend to prefer to read through a book (or more than one) as opposed to topical studies, but today I just felt like I needed to lay my heart open before God and ask Him to increase my trust in Him. I found this verse in Romans 15:13, NIV:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I tend to prefer either the New American Standard, the New Living Translation, or the New King James Version to the NIV, but that just happens to be the Bible I had with me (I keep them all over the place, lol- in my car, at school, on my desk in my room, next to the place I usually sit in the den, etc.) and I like the way the NIV said it best.

I pray that I would trust God, and not rely on my own understanding of things. He truly is faithful to me. My favorite line in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is when the Pevensie children are told that Aslan (who represents Christ/God) is not a tame lion. Lucy then asks if he's safe, to which Mr. Beaver replies, "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he's not safe. But he's good." C.S. Lewis exeplified a stroke of genius here, because he was right on.

No, God is not safe. He doesn't keep us in little ticky tacky houses and give us perfect utopian lives. We experience pain, disappointment, suffering, loss, and even- at times- despair. But, this reminds me of my favorite line from The Two Towers where the sentiment is that Helm's Deep will fall, and all hope has been lost. Aragorn, in a line perfectly delivered by Viggo Mortensen, says with conviction to a young boy, "There is always hope."


I pray that as I seek to trust God with all of the situations on my mind- including, in particular, Jamie and God's future plans for me- that I would not just get through but that I would overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. It was really powerful in my quiet time because I had just read John 14&15 where Jesus promised that One just like Him would come after He was gone. To think that One just like Christ lives in me is overwhelming. It really puts things in perspective.

There is always hope.

Jamie knows Christ, as does her fiance (he proposed exactly one week before her seizure last Friday). No matter what happens, I can trust that God has a perfect plan for her. Even if His choice is painful for me, I know that He's good. I have been praying extensively for her mom, whom I don't believe knows the Lord. I pray that she would respond to God in this time. I pray that Jamie's friends- and church- would, as Esther, recognize that they can respond in such a time as this to reach out to Jamie's mother. I trust that God is good.

As for my future, speaking of LOTR earlier, I wouldn't mind a palandir so that I could look and see what is to come. I suppose that's part of why if I were a hobbit, I'd be Pip. I told myself I would stay here for 5 years. I never actually asked God His opinion- it just made sense to me. Long enough, I thought, to really make a difference in an impoverished area and also to help me get as out of debt as quickly as possible. I want to be free to spend money on things other than student loans and such.

Recently it has occurred to me that rural NC is not the only place with Title I schools. I began to realize last fall that I'd really enjoy living near Seattle (and no, not JUST because of the Seahawks and Mariners... but those are both a big plus :) )or Boston (and... yes, mainly because of the Red Sox and Patriots :) ). Then, once I felt that God was saying to go home for Christmas this year (only 7 months!) I felt excitement and joy that I haven't in a long time. It's not that I am unhappy here- I love where I am right now in life- but I just miss home sometimes. Just the fact that Washington is as much "home" to me now as it was before I left speaks volumes.

I was explaining to Becca last night that, though I've lived here for nearly a year- and until the last month or so had reconciled to myself that I'd stay here for five- I still think in terms of Pacific time. When I researched plane tickets I found myself adding three hours to figure out the east coast times, as opposed to subtracting three from what's supposed to be "my" time now. I watch Grey's Anatomy and my favorite parts of the show are always when they pan over Seattle's skyline. I've known for a long time that I don't believe I'll ever live in Spokane again, but I do feel drawn to the suburbs outside of Seattle, preferably within an hour and a half of the city... which is most of the Puget Sound :) Another draw is that I've been able to reconnect with people I'll call D & J of ICN (International Children's Network) and they are really excited to work with me... I told them in my last e-mail that I don't know God's plans for me but they're more than welcome to recruit me and twist my arm to come back home and help them out after TF*A.

Of course, one thing that I always come back to is that I can't fully plan ahead. I am single, with no love interests in my life. God could plan to have me meet him next week, which would most likely interrupt any carefully made plans that I may make. Or not. This is where a palandir would really be handy. So I know that I can't exactly plan out tomorrow. But I am praying and seeking God's face for what He wants for me. Plus, I am still here for at least one more year and I will press on to the finish line, no matter what God has next for me. I just want to be in the center of His will.

Of course He's not safe. But He's good.

All that you need will surely come

[Truly Madly Deeply, Cascada]

Per my promise (particularly for those who replied) here are my thoughts on the whole loving and losing love situation.

Have you ever seen the What Hurts the Most video by Rascal Flatts? That's what I am scared of feeling, that devastation. Losing the love of your life (they're teens, but you know) affects so many aspects. The time you spent with him, the way you relate to your friends, the way you see the places you were together so differently once he's no longer there... it all just seems so painful. To look at your future, where you always saw him, and now it just seems... empty.

I felt that way at first when I started thinking about all of this. How much I'd hurt, how I could try to live on and love, how I could pick up the pieces, how I could try to let the Lord heal me. Then it hit me that there's just way too much "I" in all of that.

A while back a friend and I were talking about relationships. I've changed a lot since my "Notice me- love me- validate me" years. I have determined that I don't want to waste a second on a guy unless he's "the one". I just don't want to let anyone even remotely close to my heart unless he's the man God has prepared for me- and prepared me for. I remember when I was a teenager, and I had this vision of sorts (maybe you remember this, Darla; it was actually on our trip back from Camp Utmost). I imagined that the Lord took all of my emotions and thoughts and love (and physical purity) that females normally spend on a man (or boys) and He put them in a heart shaped box, and locked it. He then held onto the key. I understood that only the man to whom Christ gives the key to my heart will unlock all of those things.

Since then I've tried to put my heart out there once or twice. Well, twice actually. I tried to be like, "Look!! I'm pretty sure you have the key!!" But the Lord was faithful to guard my heart and kept those two guys a safe distance away.

I remain convinced that one man will one day have access to all of the love I have in me. I am a treasure. I am to be honored and loved. I spent so much time trying to get those guys to fall in love with me, but I only want one man to ever have any of my energies focused on him that way again, and I will marry him. It's absolutely crucial that this man pursues me- that he's absolutely amazed that a woman like me exists. That he's not sure how his life was complete before he found me. I'm not saying that I think I am the most incredible woman in the world, but my man will. I feel really weird saying all of that, but I know it's true.

So, that said, I realized something- the man I am in love with will be so happy that he found me, and feel so blessed that God intended me for him. He'll have insurmountable happiness. Together we'll be able to serve our Christ in a way that we could not when we were single. The Lord will use us. And if for any reason God's will is for my "one" to die young, then even though I will hurt in the ensuing years, I'll always know that he died after living a life of joy and filled with blessings because I was in it.

That's my conclusion- it's not about me. When that incredibly, wonderful man that my God intends to unite me with comes into my life, I need to love him fiercely and never take a moment for granted, dying to myself and putting him first, whether we have five years or fifty to spend together.

I don't know what it feels like to be in love, but I still think Alfred Lord Tennyson got it right when he said:

Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

That's really all I have to say about that. Reply at will.

I think of the things that I wish I had said when you were still around

[When the Lights Go Down, Faith Hill]

Well, thankfully the fire alarm only went off once :) And... it's 3p.m. which means Monday's all but over! Which means... only 18 days left. Man. I can hardly believe it.

About the fire alarm- so, I am pretty sure some kid decided to pull it so that class (which starts at 8) would be "pushed back". After we'd been back for about 10 minutes, the receptionist came over the intercom and said, "Please be reminded that they are working on the fire alarms today, so do not leave if the alarms go off." [Click... and then buzz...] "Please do not leave if the alarms go off unless we tell you to."

Let's just tear this one apart, shall we?

Please be reminded...

Uh, reminded? Did I miss that memo? Apparently.

...that they...

They, huh? See, it seems to me that if someone were actually here working on the fire alarms we could come up with something a little more concrete than "they". Like... "there are workers here working on the fire alarms". Something super-specific, ya know?

...are working on the fire alarms today...

Funny, because last time some punk kid(s) pulled the fire alarm three times in one day it was suddenly announced that our belovedly illusive "they" were here "working" on the fire alarms. So when it went off at 7:56, might this have been a preemptive strike against wannabes and copycats? Seems mighty coincidental... call me a conspiracy theorist, if you must.

...so do not leave if the alarms go off.

Oh, really? Well that's great. Because if there's a real fire, we should all just risk burning alive. I mean, I hate wasting class time- a very colorful sign at the front of my room proclaims "NOT A MOMENT TO WASTE"- but I also tend to value my life, and the lives of my students. Just a little, you know?

Click out. The end.

Oh, the lovely nerves-on-a-cheese-grater buzz before every announcement... wait for it...

Please do not leave if the alarms go off unless we tell you to.

Well, redemption has been found then, huh? I mean, it's cool. Lets just sit around as the fire alarms scream and sniff for smoke as we continue on with the lesson, because the students are SO able to pay attention. Plus, at the rate important information actually gets to teachers at my school, I'm SURE they'd let us know there was an actual fire before our lives were in mortal danger. Just like they always let us know ahead of time then there are mandatory meetings and stuff. Except for they don't. So nevermind about that.

Just another manic Monday...

[Manic Monday, Bangles]

The fire alarm went off at 7:56 a.m. here at my lovely and wonderful school.

So that's how it's going to be, huh?

Hello Monday.

In only a moment truth was seen

[This Man, Jeremy Camp]

Watching Good Will Hunting has had something consistently on my mind. I was thinking, for whatever reason, about the possibility of meeting my soulmate and then losing him (i.e. him dying) while we're both still young.

There's a part where Will (Matt Damon) asks Sean (Robin Williams), basically, if he regrets meeting his wife. For anyone who hasn't seen the movie, Sean was deeply in love with his wife and losing her to cancer all but ruined him.

So I started thinking about the idea. What if I met my match, "the one", if you will, next week. We could have 3-5 wonderful, gloriously happy years together. That's long enough to be settled into our lives together, but young enough that we still feel like our entire lives are ahead of us. Then, in a tragic accident, he would die and be gone just like that.

If I, today, knew that's what would happen, would I still choose to meet him? Assuming that once I chose yes, I'd forget all about what would happen- obviously I wouldn't want to live for 5 years knowing he'd die soon. But from where I stand now, would I choose 3-5 years of insurmountable happiness only to have it all ripped from me and devastate me?

I have no idea who I'll marry, but I have no doubt that he's absolutely amazing. The kind of guy that everyone else is just like, "Where did you find him?", and, "I didn't know guys like this existed!!". I'm not saying I think I deserve someone like that. I just know he's that way. Sometimes you just know things, and this is one of those things that I just know.

Could my heart handle the excruciating pain of knowing him- loving him, being loved by him- and then losing him? Wouldn't it just be easier to just never know him? But then would it be worth it to live having never known the true love that he and I would have had?

I seriously can't stop thinking about this. I am not sure why it's so heavy on my heart. Maybe in part because of Jamie and JJ. I haven't heard any more word on how she's doing, and that's been weighing on me ever since yesterday afternoon. And maybe in part because I've never been in love and on some level it scares me to death to be that connected to someone. What if I finally find him- the only man I will have ever kissed, ever said "I love you" to, ever really known, ever given my heart to, ever loved and been loved by- and then I lose him? Like Elisabeth Elliot- she and Jim waited a LONG time to finally be together, and then with the throwing of a spear he was gone. Am I as strong as her to rely on Christ to survive- and even thrive- after that?

What about you guys? What do you think? I have an idea, but I am curious what you all have to say. For yourselves, I mean. And for me, I suppose. Most of you that read my blog loyally are either already falling in love with your "one", or you're already married to him/her. I would like your thoughts on the subject. You can reply here or e-mail me.

I've been waiting for a chance to let you in

[Breathe, Michelle Branch]

I am SO glad I stayed home. I got first and third period's grades done (only one class left, and it'll take like 10 minutes, tops). I watched the first three hours of Band of Brothers and am going to start the fourth in a coupla minutes. Then I went upstairs and worked out for an hour and a half (DDR- Dance Dance Revolution- 'tis the way to go! I burned over 600 calories and had such great fun doing it ;) Seriously, someone should pay me for these shameless endorsements).

Post workout I was as sweaty as... someone who's really sweaty. So I took a nice, long, cool shower. Then I plucked my eyebrows- and we all know that plucking my eyebrows always makes me feel better about life :) I swear that my brain releases endorphins when I take a tweezer to the brow area of my face.

Pluckin' the eyebrows allowed me to be reminded how incredibly boring my eye color is. Seriously- there is not a more dull shade of brown out there. But, such is life. Van Morrison sang about his brown-eyed girl, so there's some level of redemption. Staring at my eye area in the mirror for 10 minutes was just a reminder that my eyes are boring. Well, the color at least.

Why am I wring about such lameness? I am a tool. That said, I need to get back to BoB (which, in acronym form, totally makes me want to watch What About Bob? except that's WAB? in acronym form. So nevermind.) and finish my last bit of grade entering. If I were a rock star I'd get some lesson plans done, but... there's always tomorrow. So long as I don't die tonight and/or Jesus doesn't come back. Both of which are totally possible, but maybe not probable. Though I suppose Jesus wouldn't be coming back- He'd be on the clouds and the rapture would occur but the whole returning to Earth thing wouldn't happen until seven years of tribulation took place. So nevermind about that, too.

I just realized that I haven't eaten anything since like 1 pm. Oops. But after all that working out there's NO WAY I am eating ANYTHING! Plus, it's 9:40 which means it's past my 7pm rule. Even though it's only 6:40 pm Pacific time which will always be the true time in my heart... why am I SO RANDOM tonight? Goodness. This is where any of my roommates would say, "What are we going to do with you, Tami?".

On a serious note- I'll stop being such a tool- a good friend of mine from college had a pretty serious seizure and, last I heard, is in critical condition. Please pray for her- she just got engaged a week ago, so pray for her fiance as well. Her name is Jamie, and his is JJ. I've been praying for them all day, and it would mean a lot to me if you lift them up to the Lord as well.

Stay- right here in the light- so that you won't walk away

[Stay, Jeremy Camp]

In case you're wondering, yes, those lyrics from the Jeremy Camp song in my title are where I got the name of my blog. When I started my first blog- nearly two years ago- I couldn't get the lyrics out of my head because they captured my heart.

Switching gears...

When I was in Boston for Spring Break last month, some of the natives I spent time with were shocked to hear that I was such a fan of the city (and the local sports teams :) ) yet had never seen Good Will Hunting. So I Netflixed it and I just watched it. As everyone promised, I loved it. On every level. The acting, the city (I have much love for Boston), the personal drama, the opening up of someone with a haunting past, the moving descriptions of true love- all of the above were amazing. I will buy this movie. The language was a little edgy, but it's kind of like how I feel about war movies- the language was real, just like the language in war movies is real.
Plus, because I am a female, at the end when he says [SPOILER HERE, so if you've never seen it but plan to then skip the next few lines] "I had to go see about a girl" put a smile on my face- and a little flutter in my heart; I'm a sap, so what?- (which was good, because when his buddies went to his empty house I totally saw it coming but it still made me cry). I can really relate to the Will character. My life wasn't quite as bad as a child and I'm certainly no genius anywhere near his level, but I can relate to being the hurting and messed up kid with talent and potential who needs to get out. Only, in my life Christ healed the past.

So... I am supposed to go to this big formal end-of-year shindig tonight in Raleigh, but I think I am going to stay home. I am sure 52 TF*A'ers are going to be like, "Where were you? We missed you!" and I'll feel a little bad, but I feel like I haven't had a day to myself in 98 years. Which is rough, since I am only 24. And a half.

The agenda, then, includes getting my grades done (I usually have them done every Friday so I can give out progress reports every Monday, but yesterday I forgot my jump drive at home, which is what I keep my grades on. I actually only have to enter them since everything's corrected.) and watching all ten hours of Band of Brothers. I plan to show some clips to my kids so I want to pick out the best ones. I own the set, so if I don't finish it all today I can watch the rest tomorrow.

That's me. Happy Saturday :)

When you feel the world is crashing all around your feet...

... come running headlong into my arms, breathless

[Breathless, Better than Ezra]

My heart is beating SO fast right now.

We won our softball game- 16-1 in only three innings. It's 75 and sunny- perfect driving with the windows down / sunroof open weather. Plus, my AC doesn't work, remember? But I was driving... a little fast. You know, 65 in a 55. Nothing crazy.

So there's a lumber mill-esque place just after you turn off of 158 and there's always lots of debris in the road. So I saw one piece in particular in the middle and made a mental note to not hit it. Only then I realized that it was MOVING. It was a FREAKING SNAKE! And I realized I was going to hit it, and then I had this horrible vision of my front driver's side tire flinging it up through my window so it could sink its fangs into the juicy flesh of my neck. (Not realistic at ALL, I know, but this all happened in the span of like 1/1000 of a second). I screamed from the bottom of my stomach- seriously- the muscles at the bottom of my abodomen were clenched, I screamed so hard.

So then, like a mile before the turn onto Happ*y Va*lley (the road that leads to my subdivision, Ri*ver For*est) there's a road called Ep*worth that provides a shortcut we always take when we're going to Little*ton. I know it can be a little hard to see if anyone's coming when you're turning right, which is why you have to come to a complete stop and look (which you should always do anyway. I am not saying I never pull a California Roll... but still.). So... I was cruising, belting out Michelle Branch's Everywhere along with the radio when I realized that a big ol' SUV was VEEEERRRRRRY slowly pulling out from Epw*orth, with a jet ski on a trailer in tow.

I had to SLAM my brakes. Not just hit them- SLAM them. Have you ever stopped so fast that everything crashed to the floor and you could feel your heart and lungs crash against your ribs? It was bad. The only time I have ever been that close to an accident I was able to swerve into the other lane. This time there was a car stopped in the other lane, waiting to turn left. I hit my horn for like 5 full seconds. Count to five, slowly. That's a long time.

Suffice it to say, I am grateful that today wasn't the Lord's timing to take me home. That didn't occur at first- at first I was extremely angry at the idiot driver (a woman, no less. And my friends say I drive like a guy- in a good way, with decent skills and confidence- so I feel licensed to talk smack.) who could have A) Cost me my life and B) Hurt my beloved Ac (Acura). Then I realized that the Lord didn't allow an accident to happen (or the snake to fly through my window) and anger would solve nothing. I've been reading about what it is to truly love the Father, and other people, in I John and even though I feel like the lady was driving like an idiot, I am certain she wasn't trying to be a tool. Even so, had I been in an accident and my world come crashing down, I can run to my Father, breathless, and He'll take me up in His arms. That's not what Better than Ezra meant, I can assume, when they wrote the song, but that's what it means to me and I can rest in that.

Ok, my adrenaline's still pumping (telling the roomies revved me up and my heart is STILL beating a little fast, twenty minutes later) but You and Me by Lifehouse just came on (way to be, iTunes) and it has an amazing effect on me. Even if it does quicken my heart to think of someone feeling that way about me someday :)

There's something about you now that I can't quite figure out...

EDIT: Here's a little PS aimed mainly at you, Grayden- the vehicle in this case was a light metallic blue (it was about a 2004 Ford Expedition. How many girls would know that? I am a rock star), so our white autos causing accidents theory is shot. Or at least doesn't apply here. But the jet ski and trailer were primarily white. So our theory holds in part.

Just the world's greatest

[The World's Greatest, R. Kelly]

Last night

• I finished my grant application
• Becca had the NW Hali second years over (In TF*A you commit to two years, so we call all of the corps members in their first year "first years" and people in their second year "second years". And actually, people who stay for a third year are called "third years". Then it's pretty much just "TF*A alum". Not super creative, I know. But it works.) because it's second-year appreciation week. That was good times, though I was mostly working in the basement the whole time :)
• Jenny, Becca, Peter and Kit jumped in the lake last night. At like 9. I heard screaming (shrieking?) and just knew that's what they were doing. Word was that it was rather chilly.
  
• The Red Sox won!! At Yankee Stadium. Suck it, Yankee fans.
  
• Sharon called to tell me that Wednesday night Jason proposed!!
• Something cool happened but I can't remember what it was
• I stayed up late talking to Jenny (which is totally unfair because she took today off. Smoo.) about a plethora of topics, though most revolved around her Joseph-- and he's coming tonight, which is exciting. I like that kid. One thing we talked about is the length of engagements. I, personally, don't think it would be wise for me to ever be engaged for more than 6 months, tops. I've pretty much done nothing physically, so once the door to touching a man I am in love with is open I think I'll have a really hard time "holding back". I think this is one reason why Christians / people waiting for marriage to have sex tend to shudder at the thought of a long engagement. I can't say I definitely would, I think that if I were engaged for a year or more it would be setting myself up to sin physically. That said (switching gears back to Jenny) I really hope that she and Joe get married someday. They are so good for each other. It's fun to watch people who are in love-- and since basically all of my closest friends are engaged / married (Well, closest girl friends.) I get to learn a lot about relationships by observing them. I tend to be fairly perceptive (my main spiritual gift is discernment) so I rather enjoy it! My friends and I in college (mostly Sharon, Shiona, and Rachael) used to wonder who would be first and who would be last to fall in love. I feel like it's still a ways off for me, and I am honestly 100% ok with that. I like my life! And I get to do cool things like share with a girl from first period about the fact that I have chosen not to date, that I enjoy who I am, and that I don't feel like a man will ever fulfill me. I look forward to falling in love/getting married/having a family, but I don't feel like I am incomplete without it. She got the HUGEST smile on her face and seemed pretty inspired, so that made me happy in my heart!
• I tend to ramble.
  

Today

• My first period kids were horrified that I don't know the electric slide. So they showed me. I have a picture that I'll post... sometime. Still too busy!!
• I am going to do a read-aloud for a kid taking his biology test. I've never done that before so I hope I do a good job!
• My grumpiness has lifted. I don't know WHAT was wrong with me Monday-Wednesday, but I am back to my cheerful self.
• I am leaning toward waiting until next weekend to go see The Sound of Music simply because I just want to go home!! Plus, since we'll have people over tonight I'll want some down time in between the softball game and people coming over. That and I am SO TIRED. Oh, and another "and" is that Jenny can't go tonight and she won't want to go alone so I don't mind waiting until next weekend.
• I forgot my jump drive at home in my other computer, so I can't get my grades done. I want to punch myself in the face. Which makes me think of Strongbad, for some reason. Which makes me think of my brother Clinton saying, "Burninating the peasants" in a horribly wonderful Mexican accent. And that makes me smile.
  
• I finally quit procrastinating and called an Acura dealer so that I could order the part to get my AC fixed-- methinks that July in North Carolina without air conditioning would be DEATH. It was under $60, and the school mechanic will do the labor free. Oh, happy day.
  

Randomosity

• I had two friends get engaged in a span of six days. Both times in my head I heard, "dun-dun-dun another one bites the dust". In fact, the song was so stuck in my head that I bought it last night. I just keep thinking "and another one down, another one down- another one bites the dust!" --- Does this make me a bad person?

:)

I can see you- your brown skin shining in the sun

[The Boys of Summer, Don Henley]

I am so excited.

There's a local education fund that offers minigrants to teachers who apply. As aforementioned in my previous entry I spent most of my day writing my grant. I had planned to do a project on the Holocaust- in part because I am so passionate about educating my kids about it, and in part because I know so much about it.

I don't really know why, but Africa has crept into my conscience. Since I spent a summer in China my heart has been primarily on that people group. Plus, it seems that everyone thinks of Africa when they think of places that need aid and missions. That's a huge turn-off for me- I never want to just do what everyone else is in to.

Honestly, I think my interest in Africa began to grow when I came here to NC, where 90% of my students are of African-American descent. Once I realized that they know almost nothing about what's happening there right now- famine, war, AIDS, extreme poverty- my heart began to soften more and more to Africa. Also, the book Speak Rwanda really made an impact on me in college, and watching Hotel Rwanda a few months back really brought a lot of my emotions/dealings with the Rwandan genocide back to the surface. This paired with the current situations in places like Uganda and Sudan has had my mind on Africa.

So today when I was finally settling down to write my grant I realized that, while the Holocaust is certainly a worthy topic of study, I really want to do something that would hit closer to home for my kids. I've had multiple frustrating conversations where I have tried to help my kids understand the poverty and suffering that exist in the world and they simply don't get it. (In case you don't remember, I came to the conclusion that compassion cannot be taught- it can only be learned. It's in this entry.) I've been considering sponsoring a child through an organization I recently discovered called International Children's Network. Their mission is solid, and they seem to have finances based on integrity.

I got the idea to create a project called "Giving Hope A Name". I would sponsor a child, and my students would be able write letters to him/her, and when he/she writes us all of my students could share in it. Then we would study the causes and effects of poverty, hunger, war, and AIDS (P-H-W-AIDS) in Africa. After we study these in class, the students would choose from a list of African countries and, in teams, create a PowerPoint presentation on P-H-W-AIDS in their country. They also would need to research non-profit organizations that are providing aid directly to the people to address these issues in that country and choose one that they think is doing a commendable job.

Students would, in addition to their team presentations, keep a journal about how they personally are affected by what they learn (when I teach about the issues facing Africa I will use a lot of videos, webquests, and virtual tours so they can actually see the faces of those affected, in addition to their connection to our sponsored student). There would be an option to post these thoughts in a blog, which would help integrate use of technology.

Back to the presentations- we would have them in class, and we would invite other staff, the administration, and the Warr*en Education Fund (the group that provides the minigrants) to assess them using a rubric. Then, the scores of all who viewed the presentations (including the other students) would be used to determine the best two presentations per class.

The best 6 (I have three classes) would then prepare for an evening called "Giving Hope A Name". We would have a few practices, and then a dress rehearsal in which the local Board of Education (aka school board) would be invited to see the presentations and offer any insights/suggestions/feedback. Then the actual event would be open to the community. Each class would be given a $50 marketing budget to find ways to creatively advertise the night.

At the "Giving Hope A Name" night judges (staff, perhaps a parent or two, etc.) would be there to use the rubric again to choose the best three presentations. These three teams would receive $100 each to donate to their aid organization.

So that's my idea. That's what I wrote out all day (in even more detail, if you can imagine that). I really hope they approve, because I get so excited just thinking about it.

Also, I did talk to my student that wants to have a baby today. She has it rough. Please pray for her... she listened, but didn't necessarily see the light. She's on birth control- and is having sex- so pray for her to be wise, and to seek Christ. She really needs to know she's loved, and only the pure and unconditional love of Jesus Christ will meet the deep needs and desires of her heart.

Before she burns away

[Neon, John Mayer]

I don't really have time to write this. I have this mess of a project where my homeroom students checked off their classes for next year (only none of them did it right despite multiple efforts to correct their ways) and I have to fill out bubble sheets. Oh, how I LOVE bubble sheets. (If sarcasm could drip, it would have right there.)

I use too many parenthetical phrases.

I also have to get my minigrant done- I assumed I could do it this weekend because it's due Monday the 15th, but I found out last night I have to get it signed and sent off basically yesterday :) I'll finish it, get it signed by my principal first thing tomorrow, and sent off to the central office to get signed by the superintendent in tomorrow's school mail. I'll tell y'all about my actual minigrant idea in a later entry.

I also have to write tomorrow's quiz, and you might think that's easy to do but writing good assessments takes time. Plus I have tutoring tonight until 5, and then I am supposed to go to a community dinner at Hardware (Cafe... really cute place. Wa*rren County's finest.) at 6 but I am just not sure that I'll make it. It depends on how much I get done between now and then.

I also have a long list of stuff to do-- I love making lists. It makes me feel better about life to get it all organized onto paper, and then putting lines through completed items puts joy in my heart. I think lists and plucking my eyebrows are my two favorite feeling-better-about-life things. That and quiet times, which I JUST realized I didn't have today. I hate it when I get so busy that I don't even notice that I didn't have one. No matter how busy I feel I will have a quiet time at lunch.

Snap. I just realized that even if I don't go to dinner there will be people at my house for a poker night (or whatever Becca planned for the NW Hali people.) So I will at least have to make an appearance- but I like those people so I'll probably want to hang out. Boo on my life.

This weekend will be busy- last softball game tomorrow afternoon, hopefully going to see The Sound of Music at Lakeland (I know many in the cast, including the Maria who is actually a science teacher- and T*FA alum- here at my school), and having a *hopefully* small gathering of people over to chill after the play.

Saturday's the big T*FA end of year celebration. It's formal. I refuse to go buy a dress, so I'll wear my nicest slacks and such. I hate formals. At least it's not til 6 (but it's in Raleigh- LAME) so I'll have some semblance of a weekend tomorrow. Sunday will almost definitely include dinner with the boy's (and probably at their house this weekend because they just got a hot tub. I don't like hot tubs, either. Meh. But Peter really wants to cook us dinner since we always have them to our house... and by "us" and "our" I mean my four roomies and I.) and I haven't been to church in three weeks (I was flying home from Boston one weekend, driving home from Atlantic Beach- that conference I went to- the next, and last weekend was the headache of death that immobilized me pretty much all day). I miss church and need to be there, so I am really looking forward to Sunday.

Ugh. This message is fragmented and true to Tami tradition (I almost said form, but tradition kept with the alliteration) it's long and is 58% parenthetical phrasing. Bite me.

One happy day- I got my laptop back- two motherboards and a new hard drive later- and I can finally listen to my beloved iTunes at school. But the bell for third period just rang. Those ten minutes I just took to write this were nowhere near enough.

I promise to sound less frazzled on my next entry. Promise.

But there doesn't seem to be anyone around

[Brand New Day, Forty Foot Echo]

Go read this:

Officials: Second-grader sexually assaulted by 12 boys

How do first and second graders even know how to do these things?

One of my TF*A friends had a little boy that came in with anatomically correct female breasts drawn on his arm, his own "artwork"- she teaches first grade.

She also intercepted a note (I may have mentioned this before) written from one of her boys to his kindergarten girlfriend:

Dear ________,
I love you baby.
We is gonna have sex.
I like your backpack.

Things like this make me really wonder what I'll choose to do when my kids are school age. I usually lean toward public education for a plethora of reasons. For one, it's an excellent mission field. Secondly, I don't want my children to lack vital social skills that you oft see in students that have been homeschooled. Also, though I fully intend to raise godly offspring, there's a level at which you need to be able to walk with those who don't know Christ in order to share Him with those people. That's why I teach in the public sector, as opposed to a private Christian school.

I am not a proponent of a private Christian school unless I fully believe that 1) the Truth is taught according to God's Word and 2) that on all levels- students to staff- people honestly seek to know and pursue Christ. There's a school at home called Northwest Christian and this year at the state basketball tournament people on some message boards were saying that the students from NWC were cursing more and behaved far worse than the fans and students from the non-Christian schools. I know Christians are human, and not perfect, but I also won't knowingly send my kids to a school filled with hypocrisy on those levels. It's a personal choice on my part, but I'd rather have my children in school with those who don't know Christ as opposed to those who act like the world but attach Jesus' name to it.

I do have to note here that a lot of this depends on my kids. I don't use the "Well, I went to public school and I'm fine" argument because I'm me, and I don't expect my children someday- or anyone else- to be just like me. But stories like the one from the article above make me... unsettled, to say the least.

Another thing: today I intercepted a note. A lot of my girls write notes all the time- I understand because I totally did, too. That said, I don't let them get away with it. This one I decided to read because it's a student that I sometimes worry about. Here are some excerpts:

*"... this might sound stupid but I wanna have a baby and yes I wanna have it now after I get my car and everything but I really wanna baby... I want someone to love me for me and someone to give me a reason to stay out of trouble."

*"I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like no one loves me. Sometimes I hate everything about me. Everything. It's like no one wants to be around me like they used to."

She then compared herself to someone that she does think people want to be around and said she feels ugly compared to that girl. What's sad is this girl is gorgeous- and I am not just biased. She's absolutely beautiful. Girls starve themselves to have a figure like hers, and she has a soft yet striking face. And, though it makes me sick, she's what my black students call "light skinned", meaning she's black but with lighter skin. Apparently "light skinned" is highly preferable to "dark skinned"- calling someone "dark skinned" is an insult. Interestingly enough, only the black students use these terms- no white student would dare point out differences in skin tones of the black students.

It absolutely breaks my heart- this is a freshman in high school willing to admit to a friend that she's desperate for unconditional love and that the only place she expects to find it is having a baby. I am going to talk to her tomorrow. She needs to understand that no baby will ever help her love herself- and she needs that first. People cannot fulfill her. If you think to, pray for this student. Her name (again, not her actual name, but the Lord knows) is Kenzi.

I am not sure how this got so long. It's sort of heavy stuff. But I think about things like this often- education, school, my students- so it's not abnormal for all of these things to swirl around in my head.

The crown that showed no dignity He wore

[This Man, Jeremy Camp]

I am one blessed woman. There was an awkward situation with the roommates- one in which I was 85% wrong, at the very least; 100% wrong on some points- and it sort of just blew over, and we were all cool like it never happened. I wanted to talk about it with one roomie in particular but the conversation just felt like it would have been forced and the time was never right.

Earlier I just sat here with it eating at me, so I went to talk to her. It was such a great conversation- so redeeming. I love being secure enough in Christ to be able to admit when I am wrong and still not feel like I am losing my worth. It's amazing how life is abundant when I am willing to die to myself. Plus, she's amazing and gracious and while I didn't expect her to apologize for anything, she did. That was just such a blessing on every level.

In other news... it was a chill day. I was in such a bad mood in class today (and yesterday) and I really don't know why. I don't know what was wrong with me. Yesterday I told a student in fourth period that if he didn't stop what he was doing I was going to hurt his feelings. I thought Anna's face was going to be permanently plastered to the floor- she was in such shock. Normally I NEVER say things like that. I was able to talk to him later and reassure him that I DO like him, but this kid is so desperate for attention that he does really ridiculous things and some days I just can't handle him. All the more of a reason I need to love him. In retrospect, the situation was kind of funny. I love my kids, don't get me wrong. There are just some days that are less stellar than others.

And then there's this curious phenomenon with the boys in third and fourth period. I have Play-Doh so that during notes and conversations the high-maintenance kids have something to do with their hands. I, for example, despite my usually high academic performance, can never sit still (I'm totally tapping my right foot currently, now that I think about it) and I actually listen far better if my hands are busy. Somehow I am better able to focus if I'm doing something. Thus, the Play-Doh. Only... many of the boys are obsessed with making phallic forms. WHAT IS THIS? I don't get it. Girls don't do that. But the boys? They're all about the phallus, and they try to make it in a disguised way ("What?? It's a microphone, Ms. T*K.") So they make them. That and poop. Ugh. Boys. Oh, and if you don't know what a phallus is, I recommend you use a dictionary site without pictures to look it up. But by now you can probably guess...

Another thing: Tonight I was looking at some pictures from high school (Darla inspired me) and perusing my poetry and prose and such from then. I read a story I wrote when I was sixteen- I was impressed with my vocabulary at the time. People oft make fun of shows with teens using big words, but I knew my way around the linguistic block. The pictures were fun, too- I found one of my brother and I (Clinton) from when I came home for break during my first year of college. I miss him so much it physically hurts sometimes. We were pretty out of touch there for awhile and I literally felt like an important part of me was dying. We're doing better with communication now and I honestly feel much better about life. I read a story today about a girl who lost her brother in a car crash, and while I know I would make it, I think that if I ever lost Clinton like that I'd be pretty devastated. I can't think about it. Need to move on...

Earlier I clicked on one of my many Firefox homepages and discovered- to my elation- that the Red Sox spanked the Yankees. Like 14-3. When I first checked it was 10-2. But that feels really good :)

Also, according to some John Mayer fan, whom I am sure is cursing her parents for not better planning her day of entry into the world, I am "so luky!!" that I have the same birthday as John Mayer. I am not sure what it means to be "so luky!!" but if ever I find out you'll all be among the first to know.

Tomorrow we're watching All Quiet on the Western Front. I wish someone would do a modern remake of this movie, because while it's awesome, my kids totally miss the significance due to an inability to get past the fact that it's 70+ years old. I was straight up with them about the quality, though, and they still voted to watch it, so watch it tomorrow we shall. At least I won't have the opportunity to be grouchy :) Maybe it's this whole losing weight thing. Does getting healthy mean I have to be a jerk? I hope not. I think I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and mean. Tough choice there. Hopefully I was just tired! I don't think I could ever consistently be a jerk, even if I wanted to. It's just not in me.

More randomosity- being that I spend abnormal amounts of time on ESPN.com (well, not really, but it sounded cool to say) I noticed that the Seahawks are moving their headquarters to Renton. Also, the Sonics are considering building their new stadium there. My good friend Melissa lives there, and she loves it. Tonight I was thinking about how much I miss home. I like North Carolina, but I will always be a west coast girl at heart. I've long thought that I will settle down in either the Seattle or Boston areas. Watching the Seahawks games was a little like death for me- and not just because I was surrounded by Steelers fans (I really, really don't like the Steelers. Never have. I am abstaining from using the word "hate" here, but it's a deep dislike.) the whole time. But I just wished I was in that stadium, surrounded by Washingtonians. Out here I am the lone Washington girl. One girl went to Gonzaga (though she was from Oregon), but she was actually killed in a car accident last September. Losing her was hard anyway, to say the least, but it was also difficult to lose my one connection to home.

I really feel like Washington is such a special place. Most people out here (North Carolina, and/or the east coast) think of California when I say "west coast". At first I was offended, but now I am glad. It's a pretty well kept secret that Washington is amazing- yet anyone I talk to that's been there can't get over how beautiful it is :) I've said it before, but I am grateful that people think Seattle gets 800 feet of rain a year, or that Spokane doesn't exist. (Did you know that most all of the major eastern seaboard cities get more precipitation per year than Seattle? I bet you didn't!) I sort of resent all of the Californians that are migrating to my beloved home state. But I am glad that east coast-ers don't know about it because I kind of want it to stay just like it is.

I am still pretty unsure of the Lord's will for my life pertaining to location, but I think I'd really like to live somewhere in the suburban areas around Seattle. Far enough to be out of the city, but close enough that I could feasibly still teach in a Title I school. That's where my heart is- though I adore places like Mt. Spokane and the Mead School District I am just not sure that I can ever go back to teaching in areas of privilege. My heart is with the underdogs. But, again, I know not the plan for my life. I will go wherever I am sent.

This is long and I am getting tired of typing. Tis time for bed. But to all of you lurkers (Grayden, Clinton, Melissa, Sharon, etc.... Darla and Sho do a decent job, so you two are off the hook) feel free to leave comments. You don't have to sign up or anything if you don't have an account, but you guys are my friends and I appreciate your input.

So few come and don't go

[Look After You, The Fray]

I cannot stop listening to this song. Seriously- go find it now. Use itunes or what have you.

Speaking of itunes, Friday I downloaded LOST from itunes (since I slept through it on Wednesday... oops...). Well, that's a lie. I downloaded it Thursday, but I watched it Friday. At the end I literally sat up in my bed (I had been lying down) and yelled "HOLY CRAP!!!" at my computer screen. It was just that intense. I feel like they (ABC?) have been yanking us around all season with a new episode every fourth week, and to be honest I was having a hard time sticking with it. This is reason #179 why DISHNetwork sucks- I can't use my TiVo- long story, but generally just sucky :( I am like Miranda on Sex and the City- TiVo is better than any boyfriend!!

I feel so blech today. Maybe because it's rainy day #2 in a row, with a high of 58, and STILL the AC is on in my classroom. Maybe because my throat hurts. I feel like I should be depressed but don't really know why. Do you ever have those days where you just feel so blah? I can't even put words to it. And I really need to do tomorrow's lesson plan and I REALLY don't feel like it. It's WWI- I LOVE WWI and WWII. Love them. Love teaching them, and learning more about them myself. But I have zero motivation. And as for the gray rainy day, I love the rain, too. So what the heck is wrong with me? Plus I just want to eat and eat and eat for no apparent reason, but I don't let myself, so then I feel miserable because I can't eat. UGH!!!

LAME.

Will you take what's left of me?

[What's Left of Me, Nick Lachey]

What a lovely day. I woke up to my alarm at 8:30 but I couldn't fall back asleep (that NEVER happens. It's uber rare!) so I laid there til about 9. Then I cooked a little salsa-egg-burrito around 10. Chilled with the roommates.

Lovely Liz discovered that the lake is warm enough to swim in. So we went swimming (and shorts that totally didn't fit this winter had EXTRA ROOM in them! Oh, happy day!) and then I did another thing that I never do- I just laid out in the sun (with some sunscreen, of course) and chilled. Then I came in, showered, and was inspired by Becca the rock star to clean my room. It's like 98% clean and I am getting my laundry done on Saturday!! I normally do it on Sunday.

Then, somehow it was 7 by then so I made some spaghetti (with yummy healthy spinach noodles, and the best sauce ever- with lots of onions, sundried tomatoes, and LOTS of garlic!) for Bec and I. Then we all (Bec, Jen, Liz, and I) watched Just Like Heaven. It was cute. Cheesy to the max, and predictable at every turn, but pretty cute. Now I am choosing to forego SNL and get to bed. I'm sleepy.

Lame entry, I know. But it was a fairly uneventful day- in a good way. Tomorrow shall, I hope, be equally uneventful, save for church and dinner with the boys. I've been too busy lately :)

Someone who loves you despite your faults

[Must Be Nice, Lyfe Jennings]

Tonight I missed the bus to my softball game.

I got caught up in work and totally forgot.

Praise God that I did.

Tonight the high school had its first annual Poetry Slam. Students performed their works.

Hearts. Minds. Souls. On display.

Of the 10 performers, I have/had 7 in my classroom. These are my kids.

We were supposed to go by the Chicago slam rules- cheering and such.

I could only clap.

Clap and cry.

They dared to be real. No room for faux under the spotlight.

I've never been more proud. Never.

First prize was a laptop.

You've never seen someone more excited. Never.

She's in eighth grade. Has two children. Is written off as lost. Finished. Done.

She never dreamed of her own laptop. Never.

These are my kids.

Mine.

Mine.



And I will fight for them.

Reason #82,956 why my students are awesome

Quote from someone's "In Ten Years..." paper (yeah, this one came in a little late):

At the time I'm 25 I will be ready to get married to my girlfriend, Hillary. If not, then never mind about that.

Tell me that's not hilarious. Seriously. I laughed out loud and had to put it on here.

You have been more faithful than the morning sun; more faithful than knowing night will come

[More Faithful, Skillet]

I had the most incredible conversation with one of my students today.

Her name (not her real name) is Summer, and she stopped by around 4 because soccer's over and she just wanted to chat. We ended up talking about a lot of things, but a few stick out in particular.

For those who are close to me, you know that I had a bit of a rough time of it growing up. Multiple kinds of abuse, some level of neglect, and pretty much raising myself in a lot of ways since I was about 7. I also had some harsh church experiences- being told I'd burn in hell if not baptized, or that if I didn't speak in tongues then I wasn't saved (and one night at a camp 9-years-old me prayed desperately for three hours that I'd speak in tongues and be saved, like all the kids around me, but finally all the counselors gave up and I went to bed wondering why Jesus didn't want me)- that easily could have completely turned me away from all things Christ.

However, when I was 15 a friend kept inviting me to church. I always declined- I was fine. My life at home wasn't so great, and I was desperate for love, but I was fine. God has such perfect timing, because finally around Christmas of my sophomore year I agreed to go to youth group. It was perfect because, since it was Christmas, I knew most of the songs. This allowed people to notice my singing voice, and everyone was gushing to me about my voice. Just this small amount of love and acceptance was enough to make me want to come back. At this point, I thought I was a Christian.

Through Christ's grace I kept going to church, even though I hated it. I liked youth group on Wednesday nights but I was the kind of girl who took the voluntary math club / math class on Wednesdays, so I settled for church instead. I remember asking myself why the heck I went, but Gwen drove 40 miles every Sunday to take me, and it got me out of my fairly miserable home life (I love my parents, and I know I'm not the only teen who struggled with their family) for a few hours a week.

I eventually came to the realization that Jesus Christ loved me, ME, and died as me on the cross so that I could receive forgiveness and He could have a relationship with me. I received the gift of Life. Even still, I was desperate for love. I needed someone to make me whole, validate my existence. For as long as I can remember I always had a huge crush on one boy. In high school it was David (frosh year), then TJ (soph year), then Cody (junior year), then Tim (senior year and on into my frosh year of college), then Grayden (basically sophomore through senior years in college). I would always choose a guy that I knew would never like me back (not consciously, but on some level I knew I was doing this) because if he could somehow like me then it would REALLY validate me.

Now, despite my "crushes" (which, by senior year of high school had become "the one" from God) I made a commitment the summer before Junior year to God. I decided to not only be a virgin when I married, but also that I wanted to save ALL of myself and not date a boy (man) unless God was clearly telling me to do so. I had faith that God had "the one" for me, and that I would wait for him. I still ended up with crushes because at this point I was still searching for someone to love me and make all that I didn't like inside of me not seem so debilitating.

Throughout college, however, I was slowly able to embrace the Word of God and accept who He made me to be. It was hard for me to let go of my crush on the last guy (whom, by God's grace, is now amongst my better friends and will most likely marry one of my closest friends) because I liked Him throughout the period when I was growing so much in Christ and was sure that I couldn't have been wrong about him. But, finally, in the fall of my senior year I realized that I was wrong. I was finally able to see how NOT meant for one another we were. We make great friends, and that's God's best for us.

Now, I am in a place where I haven't liked anyone for over two and a half years. That's a REALLY long time. No one has been able to stir my heart since then. I've had silly crushes- you know, Tom Brady, Eric Kinne at Institute (T*FA thing) this summer, but they were just silliness. Tom Brady, actually, still is just silliness :) I know I won't marry them and the #1 most attractive thing about any man is his passionate pursuit of Jesus Christ. I want someone who can lead me spiritually- and I tend to be a strong woman no matter what I am doing, so he simply cannot be weak sauce. Even if he's 6'2" tall, with non-brown eyes, left handed, loves my same sports teams, can sing and melt me with his voice (especially if he plays guitar), drives a blue and brand new Acura TSX (and didn't have to go in debt to get it!), loves my music and always plays the perfect song, has a British accent, loves history, is amazing with children, has the perfect clothes, has passion for serving the poor, has a heart for short-term missions, has season tickets to Fenway park, and thinks I am the only woman in the world he ever wants to see / talk to / think about again- even if ALL that- if he's not passionately in love with Jesus Christ then he's got nothing. Jesus makes ordinary people beautiful and my man will be more than I ever dreamed to ask for.

I was able to share my testimony with Summer, and encourage her. She's seeking to be set apart for Christ at school, to love and witness to her peers around her. She's such a wonderful girl and I really want to be an encouragement and inspiration to her. She said that she doesn't want to be caught up in the pressures around her, and that she wants to live for Christ. She doesn't want to be in any relationships unless she is certain he's "the one" (her words, not mine). The words she clings to are "Good things come to those who wait". It was wonderful because I was able to tell her that no matter how impossible it may seem as she goes through the next three years of high school (she's a freshman) that in my own life I see God's faithfulness and have no doubt that, at 24, He is still ever faithful to me.

Moments like that make me so grateful I stayed the course. We watched The Patriot last week and in it the two main characters talk about the wife/mother always encouraging them to stay the course. When you know the right thing to do, no matter how weakened your resolve, never stray from it. Proverbs 23:23 says:

Buy truth, and do not sell it,
Get wisdom and instruction and understanding

The truth will always cost you something. But it's worth the price you pay, if you're willing to pay it. I have always known that God had big plans for how He wants to use me, and all that has happened in my life. I pray that I would never miss an opportunity. He is so faithful.

I can truly say that God is more faithful that the rising sun in the mornings, or of my assurance that it will set and night will follow on its heels. I have more faith in His presence, His hand in my life, than trust that tomorrow will come.

Can you say that, and mean it?